how much more can i take.
this ch has cost me nearly evrything. i fight back hard but i am very tired.
my wife vina has left me and is already dating as she so proudly told me tonight. my attacks are literally killing me i am sure and no one outside of here even gives a shit.
i am so broke bankruptcy may be needed soon.
i need to have fun again, since my wife before she left went, and spread lies that attack my integrety and  standing.  my ,work  church friends. i gave that woman 11 years of of real love home every night and let her do most everythig  she wanted.
now the va is giving me tranquilizers,
i search for beuty and pure,  peace and rest. companship
i hhave no car now and am sleeping on the floor. i have a great home for now but it is so empty.
my attacks come and i do nothing to help myself  i watch tv  preachers on sunday's.
i have to beg for a ride to get groceries.
the ch has people at workking i  am a freak.
i am also supposed to have surgery on the left arm, no one to help me. that woman turned everyone against me.
isnt this enoughplus my ever present  demon.
i just dont care anymore.
i try to help others when i can so why is it that i dance alone.

dear  god this pain is beyond words (ch) why would  woman even want me.
is this apethy yes it is. i long for people to talk with me
i feel like a shell of a man and a medicine cabinet.  i am losing my compassion and i want it back.
i am so tired my friends it is hard to laugh.
what use am i on this planet, why carry on what purpose do i serve.
my nights are filled with demon dancing, fans in the room for the sweating (i even shaved my head to see if it helped)
i must say that phil & jen, george,John,linda are rock stars for me.
and i am looking foward to the new puppiy phil & jen are giving me and getting to meet them.

sorry to dump on you all, none of you deserve it. but  i have non my  where else to go that can understand what this shit is in my head that offers no reprive. the standing in in the winter air at 2 in the morning. the shots and pills, the dr's, work judgmentand just wondering how it will end .
even writig this is an excercise in futility .
please somebody rescue me. [smiley=smokin.gif]

wrote on Dec 28^th, 2008 at 4:47am:

and i am looking foward to the new puppiy phil & jen are giving me and getting to meet them

Look forward, mate.

Look only forward.

Brother,

There will be a tomorrow. And while tomorrow may offer you many of the same events, you have an opportunity to take what you've experienced today and look at them differently. You've experienced far more than most should have to. But as a CH'ers  you are toughened and polished by this stuff.

If you can withstand the pain you have withstood so far, what makes you believe that that ability just goes away. Yes, there will be times when it feels like it is "used up" - it is not. Have faith. It is replenished.

Breathe. Go outside again and breathe and pray and breathe again. What sucks today will one day be a memory and inspiration for tomorrow. Have faith.

Scott

Karl, I know how difficult this has been for you.  I also know how strong and resourceful you are.  Remember what you've already overcome.  Remember what you've already faced and beaten.

Get some sleep if you can.  I won't be reachable during the day today, but call me tonight.  Or I'll call you.  Doesn't matter.

George

When it seems your life has hit bottom, there is only one way to go, and that is up.

I think it's fantastic that you're going to meet Phil & Jen and you're getting a new puppy!!  Animals mean the world to me, as mine have helped me through some of the roughest patches in my life.

Just keep telling yourself, you can DO this!

:)mel

Karl you have to keep moving forward.  I know it's easier said than done.  Rely on the deep faith that you have.  God never gives us more than we can handle.  You know this.

You have Phil's number and both of our emails.  Use them anytime.  Phil is pretty much always available unless he's wrestling with the beast.  He will call you back ASAP.  With me you know it's hit or miss with my work schedule.

Here's a little something to cheer you up:
START PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGESTART PRINTPAGEMultimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or END PRINTPAGE

You need a serious fishing trip with the Swedish Bikini Team.
dammit Karl dont fall in that trap. To hell with her and her jaws. You will find that your mutual acquaintances will see that your silence is golden and her speaking out on personal matters is not appropriate. No one is without merit and you my friend have many. Call anytime Karl.
anytime
the bb

Hey Karl,

No great words of wizdom here.  Just vibes and hopes for a better tomorrow.  

Keep fighting my brother.  You will climb back out of this hole.  

Remember, you are one tough sob...

-Dennis-

The VA is giving you tranquilizers???? Get your butt into neuro and DEMAND O2!!! If they don't want to deal with you -- go to Patient Advocate and keep going till they DO work with you!!! Write your damn Congressman if you have to, but GET HELP!!!

Now get off the floor and get a plan together -- get your rear to the VA and get some O2 and get those damn headaches under control and take CHARGE of your life.  

Whew.... I haven't kicked anyone's rear in a while... ;)  Was it good for you?  :)  

Ok, we've all been right where you are (at least I have) and it ain't fun, but the only way is UP... trust me on that one. We're a lot tougher than we look and we ARE survivors...

I'm really serious about the VA -- they WILL work with you if they have the RIGHT incentative, but sometimes ya just gotta get their attention. I spent a lot of time gettin' their attention when my husband was there and I know it ain't easy, but it can be done.  Just keep yelling and they will pay attention.

Read everything on this site and go to the neuro armed with info. They'll go along with you if you know what you're talking about. When my hubby first went to the VA we didn't get what I thought was "proper" attention so I got a Senator involved - after that we got all kinds of "nice" treatment.

A new year is coming up -- time to make some resolutions -- get up - dust yourself off and get back in the race (didn't Frank Sinatra say something like that?).

And remember - I love ya so what the hell else do you need! :-*

Hugs BD

i must say that phil & jen, george,John,linda are rock stars for me.
and i am looking foward to the new puppiy phil & jen are giving me and getting to meet them.

sorry to dump on you all, none of you deserve it.


Don't look at the bad things so much, look at the good things. Your new puppy will need you as much as you need him - concentrate on your friends who sound like they care about you.  We've all been there and some are still there, and as you can see, more people care than you think.
I would be a very sad person to know if it weren't for my dogs who need and love me without reservations, they all need love back. I'm not known as the maddoglady for nothing you know...  
Please 'dump on me' a photo of your new baby if you can [smiley=thumbsup.gif]
sheena

well everyone;
things arent better but at least i have an old truck to get around in now,and a bed to sleep on besides the floor, i still feel a pit in my gut and the va is doing well for me, i was already on o2 25lpm with non rebreather and my own imitrex private stock, the verapamil does help but the nightime is the worst, i feel the most alone and in pain. my dog toby is waiting for his new pal as i am too.
my house seems so quiet and desolate but i am going to start going back to church and changing things in the house (the way i want it).
John called me and in a loving way chewed on me to snap myself out. i will john i promise.
i have read all your post and am amazed that somebody actually gives a shit whether i excist or not.  i wont tell you just close to not i was especially when the 8-10's come.
i am not out of woods yet but i love the Lord to much to do something stupid.   it just hurts ya all !!!!!

it just hurts ya all !!!

Boy don't that sum it up. :'(

Hang in there, this apple is too big to eat whole, just take it one bite at a time. Keeping you in my family's prayers.

Joe

if your wife left you in this condition then she isn't worth shit! bragging about how shes already dating somebody >:( WTF your better off by a long shot with that kinda bitch out of your life. you tell her to kiss your fuking ass >:(

all this is not your fault

there's no doubt about it brother this is some really bad shit. all you can do is face the music and accept the fact that you will have to endure this extreme pain. you will get through this as i'm sure you have in the past. this will only kill you if you let it.

your not the first person to dump off here. believe me there's nothing more satisfying than being human and helping out a fellow sufferer so dump away.

i'm already dating somebody. wtf >:(

check your pms. i'm up all night. please please call if needed.

Hey Karl. Joe is so right. One step at a time and one day at at time. You are a clusterhead. You can handle this. You are a believer. He can handle that too.

You can't MAKE anyone love you. If she has fallen out of love for you during this time. It is what it is. And THAT hurt will get better.

It is time to think what is best for you. Never think that we on here don't care when we see someone going down in the water. Heck, we are struggling to keep our head above water as well and so when we see someone slowly sinking, WE CARE, because we know it could be any of us.

If you feel overwhelmed again, reach out to someone or post your thoughts here. You will get a response and quickly. :)

Glad to hear from you Karl.  

Appreciate your PM, and will be looking forward to your phone call tomorrow.

Plenty of folks here who care what happens to you, my friend.

All the best,

George

Karl, As much as it seems like it you are NOT alone.  Please lean on us.  We'll be here to lift you up, make you laugh, give you a kick in the pants (humor) or anything you need.

When you get a new phone number, please PM it to me.  I tried calling you but wasn't able to get through due to your changing your number.

I want to talk to you, O.K.?   We all care deeply about you.  The people who have left you that you called friends...weren't.

Linda

all right here is my new number.  1-208-413-6515.
i am just coming down from a hit, that damn pit in my gut is still there though. and the next hit will be here soon
thank you all i was drowning and crying out best i could and you all heard me.
i got hit at the store yesterday and didnt have my trex (my wife usually carried it for me).
it scares me to think just how close i came to saying screw it and check out. something tolld me to vent to you all and you responded, thank you!!!!!!!!!!
oh how i would love to meet you all but i ask the glorious king and saviour Jesus to bless you all and  what work is being done here.
i have a tendandcy to hide the pain and crap in my head till it threatens to overtake me.  being chronic thats alot. even now i am trying to make things look better.
oh how i wish i could meet you  all.

I truely wish i could say something deep, and spiritual, and full of life changeing wisdom to you Karl, but,,, alas,,,, all I have to offer are prayers,,,and maybe,,, just maybe,,,, ..................they will WORK!!!!!!  Have Faith Karl, and remember,,,YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!  Tuck

Joe and I are here for you too, I will keep you in my prayers! In regards to the wife...she is not much of woman if you ask me, sounds pretty self centered! Think about number one and that is you; let's get you on the right track...
Joe just started on O2 this week and it took his hits from lasting 1 1/2 hrs to to 5-10 mins and it was all thanks to the wonderful people on this site! Don't know what we would do without this site and the beautiful people who are here!
Lots of love,
Joe and Monica

O2...O2...O2!!!! It ROCKS!!

i wanted to thank everyone for the responces and wisdom shared.
things are still real messed up and my hits keep coming but the o2 and trex save me most of the time.
several people have called and written which was very appreciated, i would like to say im out of the woods but i would be lying however soon ch-hell and flipperlips are coming to see me and bring me a new puppy and i cannot tell you how so much i am looking foward to this , it gives me something to look foward to,  i am also seeing my neuro that i found on o.u.c.h on 2/10/09. work is trying to medical retire me which i am not fighting. i have worked hard since i was 12 and i have had enough.
all my fight is reserved for the daily dances.
i am feeling better and seeking counseling and working with a pastor. i also have a bed now and a pick up(jalopy) but it runs good.
i will promise all of you that i will stay in touch with you and will not give up even though i want too so bad. :'(
i only hope i can help here someday like you all help me.
i give you all my appreciated and sincere thanks.
Linda,Johnny,John,George,phil,jen  you are all rock stars in this game. 8-)

Ya Karl, dont sell your fishing pole just yet.
the bb

now way man not till i can go fishing with you and george. ;D

I hate fishing Karl....but I'll join you and read a book on the banks of the river, watching it slowly drift by...music in the back-ground playing "Moon River" and birds soaring over-head singing their wonderous songs


...Aw Jeeze Kevin's mind has just taken residence in my head...LOL


You're gonna make it jest fine buddy.   :)   One day at a time...

No way I'm going to miss that fishing trip, Karl.   :)

Hang tough, buddy.  Better days ahead.

(We'll get Linda in the boat.  Betcha.  LOL.)

All the best,

George

yea we will get her in the boat with jen.
well just i got an old truck to get around in it is broke down i am now mechanic , near as i can tell something is draining the battery.
i can't win right now [smiley=deal2.gif]

Wooohooo Linda, let's go fishin'   ;)  No seriously, I'm not that big into fishin' either.  I like your idea of sitting on the bank reading a good book and soaking up the sun.

Sorry to hear your truck broke down Karl.  Hang in there, the only way to go is up  ;)

Your little puppy is doing so great.  I'm sure going to miss him when we bring him to you.  He's got personality plus.  He is very entertaining and I have no doubt that you will just love it.  Since we're leaving for St. Louis tomorrow he is being looked after by one of my friends from work.  She got one of his brothers and when we left they were having a great time playing together.

thanks for the squirt update, you two go have fun at the convention and give everyone a heartfelt hug from me.  lyg

BarbaraD wrote on Dec 29^th, 2008 at 10:33am:

The VA is giving you tranquilizers???? Get your butt into neuro and DEMAND O2!!! If they don't want to deal with you -- go to Patient Advocate and keep going till they DO work with you!!! Write your damn Congressman if you have to, but GET HELP!!! Now get off the floor and get a plan together -- get your rear to the VA and get some O2 and get those damn headaches under control and take CHARGE of your life.

Stay as far away from the VA as you can. The patients advocate is nothing more than the directors lacky. No one there is held responsible for their actions.

Aside from that I hope you catch a well deserved break so you can get your life back in order. Some of the best things to happen to me in my life came from some of the worst. I truly believe this statement.