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        Supporter's Corner >> Supporter's Corner >> Going out with a CH sufferer??
        
(Message started by: loislauren on Sep 25^th, 2003, 4:09pm)

Title: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by loislauren on Sep 25^th, 2003, 4:09pm

I went out with my ex-boyfriend Marc from when I was 20 to 23 years old--Marc had been suffering from cluster headaches ever since he was 12/13...and was then 24.I didn’t have anyone to talk to at the time, and frankly was too busy looking after him to be prepared—that, as his girlfriend, it affected me emotionally and contributed to my insecurity and stress in the relationship, even when he was well and free from his episodes. For anyone who is involved with someone who suffers from these excruciating headaches–there will be people you confide in who will get on your case to give up...that you shouldn’t let yourself be dragged into a situation like this when you’re not even married etc. DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. Be strong for him, and never lose sight of one thing–even when he tries to drive you away..... he needs someone there during those trying times. You don’t need to say anything, do anything..stay quiet, refill his icepacks, turn off his phone etc..oh, and don’t touch him if he’s not expecting it...you don’t know how much pain he is in at that moment. But be there. It is really tough going out with someone who can’t play the role of boyfriend as you would expect them to.....it tears your heart out to see him suffer...and you know what? Someone suffering from such immense pain cannot not be expected to look after YOUR feelings and your emotional needs. Don’t be selfish...the only way to be there effectively for him is to cast away your own feelings and needs temporarily and focus on him. Don't let him cry...he already has enough to deal with. I used to feel lonely sometimes when Marc got better and ran off to do the million things he doesn’t get to do while he’s bedridden....But put yourself in his position...if you know that you are affected by such intense pain and lose so much of your time during the year...you’re going to appreciate the headache-free times that much more. Let them do their stuff. Ultimately, it didn’t work out for me and Marc. It wasn’t because of this one factor—but it certainly didn’t help. He broke up with me eventually because I was so insecure and clingy when he felt better. But if I were to turn the clock back and go back again...I will stand by my decision that I made then:-- I would have still looked after him all over again, regardless of the outcome of the relationship. Because isn’t that why we go out with someone for? To love them so much that the ultimate goal is just to be able to give them a little bit of comfort when they need it? I believe that I was there for a reason. He needed me then, and it is enough for me to know that I did my job.

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by Margi on Sep 25^th, 2003, 4:23pm

Wow, Lois - great post! You definitely have the "right stuff" to be a cluster supporter. I hope Marc's found someone as understanding as you are.

Thanks so much for posting this - you really nailed what it means to be a supporter. VERY important, too, as you've learned the hard way, to work hard NOT to lose yourself in the process. I think we do become somewhat insecure (or "clingy" as you put it) sometimes, when we see someone we love in that much pain and then pain free a short while later. It's like they need us so desparately in one moment, then when the cycle is gone, carefree living resumes and we end up feeling not needed. It really plays havoc with a supporters' emotions. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and Marc, but I thank you again for taking the time to write this out for others out there who are struggling with their supporting.

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by lois on Sep 25^th, 2003, 4:27pm

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish I had thought to post something 2 years ago when I was getting over this!! It's strange that it's comforting even now to get some valid feedback from someone who understands.

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by Miss_Deleny on Sep 25^th, 2003, 7:02pm

Hello Lois!

I would like to echo what was said before me. You seem to have been and still are a great supporter that understands what is needed to be done.

It is very hard going from being "needed" to not being "needed". Its like bringing out the "mothering" part in us supporters only to have it taken away .. that can leave us feeling empty.
(not sure if that makes any sense to you all)

~April~

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by Jackie on Sep 26^th, 2003, 4:02am

Lois,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You were/are very young but still displayed great wisdom in your support. Your unselfish ways in dealing are to be admired. It's difficult duty....very emotional. Being needed and then not being needed is a hard transition no matter what the circumstances.

Best Wishes,
Jacks 8)

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by Patrick_A on Oct 13^th, 2003, 11:16pm

Dang!!! Wishing i was 25 again!!

Patrick ;D

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by cathy on Oct 15^th, 2003, 12:52pm

Thanks for the post.....but i'd like to just add that YOU do need support and love too...not looking after yourself made you emotionally and physically not at your best.....yes he has to deal with the pain, and all the other things that go along with this devastaing condition but that YOU also need the same things he does....it's a two way thing...Im sorry after giving so much that your relationship didn't work out.....I hope you find the love you deserve....and again thanks for your words of wisdom...

Cathy :)

Title: Re: Going out with a CH sufferer??
Post by Svenn on Oct 16^th, 2003, 1:09am

Hello Lois!

I would like to echo what was said before me
You said it all

Svenn