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        Supporter's Corner >> Supporter's Corner >> confused and still in love
        
(Message started by: stephy on Jul 25^th, 2002, 12:25pm)

Title: confused and still in love
Post by stephy on Jul 25^th, 2002, 12:25pm

I'm new to this so if you have some advice or have been in shoes I'd love to hear from you. Here's my story!

I was and still in love with my now ex Devin who has CH. I always knew he had them and supported him. He was open to me about how they felt, the things he did when they would come, and how I should feel. I've never met someone so caring, so funny, and who loves kids as much as him. We always said that we were going to get married and both of us really thought that as going to come true. I loved his family and he loved mine. My favorite story to tell people about how ge gave me my ring. I was going to moved to the east coast to do an intership at the a marine lab. Devin took me airport and we sat near the gate both trying not to cry. I had my head burried in his shoulder trying to remember what he felt like and what he smelled like since it would be a while until he could come visit. I remember I felt something cold on my neck and there on a silver chain was a diamond ring. I didn't even see him put in on me! He had put it on a chain because I was going to be working with squid and my hands would be in some gross stuff. He said that a better one would be waiting when I got back and this one was to scare all the guys away and let them know that I was taken. I had never been so happy until the day I moved back and he told me that we had to break up because his cycle was starting again.

I could write forever but here are just a few things that I am still trying to understand. He kept telling me that I have to stop loving him as if I had a switch to turn it on and off. I noticed that when we would talk to eachother that he would try and pick a fight as if he was looking for some excuse to hate me. He had also told some people that I had a new b/f and brought him over to meet him. The most serious lie he had told people was that he had to go pick me up from the hospital because I had tried to do something to myself. Is this type of behavior common? I feel like I'm being to nice. I always try to expain to my friends that he's going through a hard time with his headaches but they don't understand. They think that it can be cured with some aspiran but it can't. I've given up on trying to defend him and at the same time defend myself from the lies he's said.
The hardest part is that I still love him and would work things out. I knew he's a good person and am convinced that his actions are a result from his headaches. I see him everyday too since we work together. I took some time off and even traveled around Europe to try and regroup but that hasn't helped. I don't hate him, just wish that we could have some peace instead this built up tension.

I feel a lot better writing this out since nobody here really understands situation. Thanks.

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Margi on Jul 25^th, 2002, 12:33pm

Uh...how do I phrase this...

Sorry, Stephy, being a jerk isn't a cluster trait. (no comment from the peanut galleries, thank you!) Sounds like you're well rid of the guy if he's using his cluster cycle as an excuse to break your engagement.

Run far, run fast and thank your lucky stars you don't have to go through life with this guy.

Sorry. Hope you find someone new.

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ted on Jul 25^th, 2002, 12:47pm

Hey wait. I'm a jerk and I have clusters. How do you know there isn't a correlation?

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Margi on Jul 25^th, 2002, 12:52pm

::)

Dang, Ted - I forgot about you. Well, prove me wrong, why don't you?

Stephy? Ted's single...

;)

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Darleen on Jul 25^th, 2002, 2:14pm

Hey Stephy,

I hate to say it but I think Margi is right. He may be suffering in much pain but it seems he is just using clusters as an excuse.

Good luck in the future, though :)

D

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Margi on Jul 25^th, 2002, 2:32pm

Hey Darleen? Did you just agree with me about Ted being a jerk? Because that's really not very nice. LOL ;)

sorry, couldn't resist.

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ted on Jul 25^th, 2002, 2:39pm

Hmmmm. She could have. But I think she also said the unspoken thing we all feel about hating to agree with you. Still waiting on my post? LOL

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Margi on Jul 25^th, 2002, 2:46pm

See Stephy? This guy's a real peach. Don't let this one get away, girl!

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ted on Jul 25^th, 2002, 2:49pm

Well, you know what I always say. Peel a peach and find a jerk. I do always say that. Over and over and over again. It gets annoying, I guess, and that's why you're my only friend. What a life. Having to resort to you.

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Darleen on Jul 25^th, 2002, 7:00pm

I guess I should have expected that now.....Oh well, maybe you are both right - Ted being a jerk and hating to agree with Margi.....

LOL :) :)

You guys can fight it out.

D

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by stephy on Jul 27^th, 2002, 11:16am

Thanks for your replies. I just had a few questions for people with CH. Do you ever regret getting married or having children? Devin told me that the people with CH were kidding themselves when they get married. It's ironic though since he's told me all the time that I was the only one he wanted to marry and wanted to have a ton of kids.

One more question. I really want to make peace with him and don't know if I should or how I should do it. I'm the type of person who likes to have peace with everyone..make love not war.

Thanks again,
steph

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ree on Jul 27^th, 2002, 10:49pm

Stephy... here we go... I was on vacation when you posted so sorry for my late response... I know how it feels to love someone deeply and not feel that love in return. For years I would make excuses that maybe it was his parents, the way he was brought up, not nurtured enough. Same as you I was supportive, loving, trusting. He would look for reasons to fight with me just so he could go out with his friends and leave me home blaming myself that he had gone out. For years I made excuses to my friends for the reasons that I put up with the bullsh#*. Just like you I would remember the times when our love was new and we would cry for the time to be alone or about being apart... He even lied me into believing that he needed to be separated from me and my kids and he would be coming back... the whole while coming over and using me whenever he wanted to and, stopping me from meeting someone new, also making my kids think that we were getting back together... Then I caught him in bed with someone.
That's when I realized how stupid I was...
I think your sweet Devin has himself a girlfriend. You need to get mad... You are a sweet heart for supporting him. He needs to get a small warning from you to come back to you or lose the chance of ever being with you again. Unless this guy has a severe brain problem and is not thinking clearly. Someone that cried to be with you couldnt leave you so easily and then lie about you.
I am an expert on heart break. Don't waste your time or love on a guy that doesnt want you anymore...

oh and Ted is not only single he is a cutie too... ;D Ree :-*(that ones for you Ted!!!)

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by oscar on Jul 28^th, 2002, 2:25am

Stephi, I agree with Ree. And also, something alike happened to me and my husband, (I explain a little in my post "starting to understand what's going on").
The only extra thing I can tell you is that you don't need to make peace with him if you didn't start any war, let him fight with himself in his own war, ignore him and if he really loves you he will come to you sooner than you think, if he doesn't then let go for good, he doesn't deserve you. GOOD LUCK, and BE STRONG.

Ursula

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Candy on Jul 28^th, 2002, 8:23pm

Hi Stephy...
I'm wondering how old you are, because you sound like you still have a lot of life ahead of you. If that's the case, don't sweat it sweetie. It hurts, it's hard and it's difficult to go through each day with that weight, but time really does make a difference in the way you see things. That's true whether you're 16 or 60.

I know how it feels to have someone out there that you just can't lay to rest. The love of my life and I are together now, but we went through nearly twenty years of separation (including 10 when we had no contact at all) before everything fell into place for us. A lot of that time was hell for me, unanswered questions, unfinished business, and that constant aching to set it all straight. Now I know that we needed all that time to learn and grow as individuals so we didn't make a mess of it when we did try walking through life together, and I have to tell you it was worth every tear and each sleepless night.

I think what you need to focus on now is you, not him. Just my opinion, but have you considered why you're still hanging so much on someone who's treated you this way?

Keep learning and growing, hon, and your next relationship will be much stronger and healthier for it...no matter who you're with.

In the meantime, surround yourself with caring people and those who make you laugh, like the ones who answered you here. It gives life a little levity, and we all need that to stay sane.

Best wishes,
Candy :)

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ree on Jul 28^th, 2002, 9:31pm

Great advise Ursula and Candy...oh and a ps to clear up any misunderstandings I was talking about Hubby #1 in my above post... thanks Ree

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by outside on Jul 29^th, 2002, 12:51pm

Stephy,

My ex and I were married for 10 years and his mood would always get bad during an attack. It was almost like he was bi-polar. (who knows, maybe he is). He was well aware that he was being a jerk to me. When he told me he wanted a divorce, one of his reasons was because he thought I was the nicest person he ever knew and he hated himself because he would treat me so badly.

I don't know if this is a specific trait for ch sufferers. But maybe the combination of being a ch and also suffering from a mental illness (depresssion, bi-polar)is not that un-common. (anyone else encounter this??).

Anyway, my ex and I get along real great now. I think he recognized that his behavior towards me was bad and since he couldn't (or wouldn't) control his temper he felt it best to end the marriage. I went throught the same thing you are going through now. I wanted to save the relationship and I couldn't stop loving him. However, 4 years later, I now have a great life with a new guy. And like I said, my ex and I get along great. I have learned I can love him as a friend and care for him without being his wife. This lifts a tremendous weight off of his shoulders by not having to deal with being a good husband and it leaves me to go on with my own life and be with someone who treats me great.

Stephy....please don't feel you have to be his wife to love and care for him. I see my ex's leaving me as an act of love...he wanted me to find happiness with someone who could treat me the way I deserve. (oh by the way, my ex gets along great with my new b/f as well) . Sometimes being a friend is all some people need and can handle. Be his friend when he needs you and go have a great life with a great guy.

There are many ways to love someone!

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by oscar on Aug 7^th, 2002, 11:44pm

wow! outside, your reply made me think so much... I love my hubby and he loves me but with or without CH, he never even says sorry when he has been a jerk with me.....many times I wish he cares about my feelings, but after 11 1/2 years marriage...nothing yet.....my mom says people has different ways of saying "sorry"....But I still think a lot of times I deserved one without a costume :)

Ursula

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by smartie on Aug 8^th, 2002, 3:43pm

My Hubby is also my best friend, he is and always has been a very private person though and it's hard to know what goes on inside his head sometimes, I really don't think that the CH's can be blamed for your ex's behaviour though, he sounds like my ex and he is not a sufferer he was just a lunatic!!! Ali is also the BEST DAD I could wish for, his biggest worry is that our kids may inherit them though!! Here hoping they don't as I hardly get any sleep now!!
Move on love, you deserve a good one, they are out there honest, I waited a long time for Ali but have never felt disappointed or unsure about my feelings for him or his feelings for me.

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by Ree on Aug 8^th, 2002, 7:26pm

Smartie...Good for you and I hope that lasts a life time...
Sometimes it takes the CH to bring my hubby back down to earth... He lives his life so fast and hard... He doesnt appreciate me until he needs me and that is sometimes hard to take...
Ursula... I always say sorry when Im wrong ...try to get Oscar to do the same... it feels so good when someone says sorry when they have hurt you even if it was by accident... Recently I was hurt by a good friend and he told me he was sorry... it made all of the hurt go away... and it is such a small thing to do... keep up the great support you girls are all wonderful Ree

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by MaureenG on Nov 21^st, 2002, 12:12am

It amazes me how helpful this site is....my other family. Not only have we gotten immeasurable help from all the information available, this is where I come when I need a friend, which is usually late at night. After all, who else is up this late besides clusterheads and supporters?

Steve and I have been going through an extremely difficult time lately, and this post really hit home with me. I certainly don't pretend that I am without blame, but I can relate to the pain of feeling pushed away. I've always believed in not giving up without a fight.

Unfortunately, I can't blame CH. Steve has gotten progressively better through various treatments for the last 6 months or so. I think that's what makes me so angry. I've stood by through all the pain, broken plans, endless late-night ER trips, and now that he's feeling better and able to succeed at a good job, I can't reap any of the benefits.

But, I think I have figured out what the problem is. The women have all posted with experiences similar to Stephy's pain. My conclusion is.........

.........men in general are jerks! ;) I think Ted has already agree with us.

Just wanted to end this self-pitying post on a light note!

Peace to all and be strong, Stephy.

Maureen

Title: Re: confused and still in love
Post by BobG on Nov 21^st, 2002, 1:43pm

My opinion..............

ANYONE, man or women, that uses his/her pain, no matter if it is from clusterheadaches or any other source, as an excuse to be a nasty SOB is just that.........A NASTY SOB.

Hit them in the head with a shovel and walk away. Far, far away. Let them suffer in their own self-pity. They don't deserve to be with other human beings.

Title: :PRe: confused and still in love
Post by athimmel on Nov 21^st, 2002, 6:59pm

Just a quickie from a relatively new CH sufferer.

I have always been a bit of a grouch. (My wife might say "more than a bit" ;) ) I also suffer from a mild form of depression. But I do have to admit, these CH make me a bit more short-tempered. Not to the point where I pick a fight or something, but just where my patience isn't very good.

That having been said, however, I also realize that I get this way. They say that admitting it is the first step on the road to recovery, right? Well, like everything in a relationship, making things work cannot be unilateral. Both sides have to work at it. My wife and I talk about it. She tries to understand that being in pain so frequently can drive anyone a bit batty. :P

As for me...I try to focus on the fact that I married a very special woman. I waited a long time for her, and I'm not going to let the beast ruin things for me. That helps me to focus on what I say and do. I am not going to lose to that jerk of a demon. Instead, I take each attack one by one, and try to do what I can to show my wife, and family, how much they mean to me.

If a man (or woman) isn't willing to do that, then they shouldn't expect their marriage to last.

I hope you find someone who is willing to give you the caring and mutual respect that you deserve. Anyone who lets the beast destroy a good relationship didn't fight hard enough to make it work.

Best wishes to you.