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Title: The Beast That Nearly Kills My Daddy Post by Alouis on May 5th, 2002, 9:04pm Lying in bed, waiting for the floor to creek, for the door to open, for him to come out of the dark, away from his sleep, to pace around with an incredible amount of severe pain. I wait as still as can be, just listening. That's all I can do. He comes down the hall towards the bathroom, feet dragging as though his whole body weighs a ton. Closing the door to the bathroom, careful not to wake us, although I'm always there, listening, wide awake. I hear him put the fan on, to drown out the sound of his cries, but it never works. I hear him weeping... my tall, strong, fearless daddy, crying. I can't see him, but I know he's rocking back and forth crushing his head between his hands with all his force. When I think it's almost over, he begins to weep like a child all over again, crying out to God. He curses at the beast inside his head. The pain is so severe it causes him to vomit. Dad opens the door, moaning. He stumbles down the hall towards the freezer, and grabs three icepacks, wrapping them around his head. I'm still listening, wishing I could help him. Wishing I could take it all away from him. He begins to moan louder and louder, and the cursing becomes repetitive. "Sh*t... Sh*t... Sh*t... Sh*t." Mom is running around trying to help him, trying to do everything she can possibly do for him. He can't take the pain anymore. Stumbling back down the hall he opens the door to outside, and closes it behind him. There's silence. I'm scared. Is Dad okay? I'm lying there in bed, my hands clutching the edge of my blanket. My pillow soaked with tears. Remembering my mom tell me ... one night she found him outside, balling his eyes out, with the gun in his hand. Two minutes past and just outside I think I hear a gun shot. My eyes widen, the tears stop, my mouth drops. …And then I hear another one. It's loud and makes me jump. Not a gun. ... my dad's fist almost going straight through the garage door. I begin to cry again. Why does he have to go through this? Five minutes later daddy steps back into the house. His right hand bruised and bleeding. I know he probably found something to smash his head with too. Mom comes to see if he's okay, and dad falls to his knees. He cries out, with tears racing down his cheeks, "Oh God, why me? ... why me?" That night he asked my mom to end his life. He asked my mom to put a bullet thru his head, and take him away. That night my dad suffered from the beast again. And the next night... it just happened all over again. |
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Title: Re: The Beast That Nearly Kills My Daddy Post by Ree on May 5th, 2002, 10:12pm That is the most compelling post I have ever read... You my dear are the most thoughtful child. We dont know why this happens. All I know it that we are all in this together. Your father is so lucky to have you. Does your Dad have a neurologist? Is he chronic or does he have cluster headaches in an episode that comes and goes away for a while. Give us some more information and we can possibly help you. I go through the same thing with my husband and my daughter becomes very scared... When my boys were small they felt bad but also became embarrassed when my husband would have an attack if they had friends over. Bring your Dad to the computer and show him the information that you found. Maybe he will find a drug or a hint that can help him to better cope with his horrible attacks. Since we came to the site my husbands cycle was shortened last time due to information from Todd, jonny, den, terry, ted, margi, mike, bob, nancy, mast, Elaine, marc, and so on and so on. There is information from the best source here... EXPERIENCE... good luck and God Bless my prayers are with you... Ree |
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Title: Re: The Beast That Nearly Kills My Daddy Post by Margi on May 6th, 2002, 11:59am Child, your post made me cry. BIG HUGS. I know how scary it is for you to see your dad like that. You're a star supporter, young lady. You're doing some great work there. I give you an A++++. Not many posts make me cry anymore, I guess I'm getting a little conditioned to cluster syndrome, but kid - you did it. I FELT your words, honey. You're awesome. :) |
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Title: Re: The Beast That Nearly Kills My Daddy Post by Linda T on May 6th, 2002, 2:40pm I'm very sorry that you must bear witness to this horror that your father lives with. I have had clusters for the past 18 years. I know the hell your father lives through. Please know that your dad does not want you to be scared. I know that it must be very frightening to hear your dad say all those things. I've said them myself but didn't mean them. Most of the time you really don't remember the things you say and do. I'm sure it's the same way with your dad. I have a 4 year old son that I know I have frightened several times and feel very sorry that I have yet I was powerless to stop myself. I hope you can understand this. Your dad needs your strength and understanding. Just be there to support him. He will ge through it. And so will you. Bring your dad to this board. Let him tell us his story. I'm sure he can benefit from many things here and will find a way to lessen his pain. I know I did. Be strong. This too shall pass. Wishing all PFDAN always, Linda T. |
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Title: Re: The Beast That Nearly Kills My Daddy Post by JimG on May 8th, 2002, 3:15pm What a great kid, you should be proud of yourself. Dealing with your dad's pain must be very hard. I go through the same thing at night and I never thought about how others see it. You have to know that your dad's pain is what makes him talk and act like that, and I'm sure that he really does NOT want to hurt himself. He needs some help though, and it is really important that he see's this site. I only came here recently, but the help and support I have received has been awesome. Keep up the good work and tell your dad how you feel, and that you want to help him. :D |
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