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        New Message Board Archives >> Jan-Mar 2004 >> My struggle
        
(Message started by: thomas on Mar 10^th, 2004, 8:25am)

Title: My struggle
Post by thomas on Mar 10^th, 2004, 8:25am

Thought I would share this with the family

At night, it comes to me. Possessing me, consuming me, ripping away my sanity, and everything that is good in the world fades to black. I’m alone with my tormentor. There is no help. I must face it night after night………. Alone. No one understands the depths of my agony. As I pace the floor in my own personal hell, I would do anything to make it stop. I beg for mercy… but to no avail, it doesn’t listen. The pain is more than I can stand. It’s all that exists for me. My world is crumbling away from me, and I don’t even have the strength to hold the pieces together. I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. No one should have to endure this torture. It’s just not fair. It rips away my very sense of self, and leaves me a withered, wasted husk of humanity. At times, I consider letting it win, giving up the fight, because I’ve lost the strength to carry on. When will this be over? And when it’s finally over, how will I ever be able to face it again? The fear of its imminent return leaves me grasping for sanity. Finally it’s over. I’m exhausted, worthless, and unable to even pick myself up off the floor. I rest and gather my strength for the coming day. As I feel the dawning sunlight on my face, and bask in it’s warmth, I think to myself “It was worth it”. When the girl at the store, where I buy my coffee, gives me a bright smile, I think, “It was worth it”. A hug from a loved one, a laugh with a co-worker, a joke shared with a friend, a distant relative’s voice on the phone, answering a young child’s question about life. All of these things make the battle worth fighting. You see it’s not the pain that is important. It’s the times when the pain it gone, that are important. That’s why I cherish every minute I have away from the beast, because it’s those times spent with friends and loved ones that give me the strength to continue my struggle. Thank you for my strength.

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by Kevin_M on Mar 10^th, 2004, 8:50am

Whilest the sun shineth, keep makin' that hay Thomas.

Thanks Thomas,

Kevin M

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by davidbarnes on Mar 10^th, 2004, 9:55am

I walked and cursed with you last night. You were not alone in the dark, many of us traced the same footsteps over and over on the floor in total disgust and agony....CH is a war, but there are many battles for us combatants and someday our group efforts will put an end to this for others.

My battle room is in the back of the house. It used to be my son's room. Dark panneling, dark curtains, vents to the room shut off to keep out heat, two windows to open and let in cold night air, O2 cold, waterbed with heat turned off makes my giant ice pack, survival.

This morning just wanted to go into town for a little while and do a little window shopping. Well 5 miles down the road I had to come back and go to my battle room. Just getting my feet back under me guess I will stay at home again today.

Remember your not alone, many nights and days we march together and shout at the beast.

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by vig on Mar 10^th, 2004, 11:27am

"...but, about three years past, there happened to me an event such as never happened to mortal man - or at least such as no man ever survived to tell of - and the six hours of deadly terror which I then endured have broken me up body and soul. You suppose me a _very_ old man - but I am not. It took less than a single day to change these hairs from a jetty black to white, to weaken my limbs, and to unstring my nerves, so that I tremble at the least exertion, and am frightened at a shadow. "

Edgar Allan Poe - Descent into the Maelstrom, 1841

Apparently this shit's been going on for some time...

my $.02 for today.

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by Tiannia on Mar 10^th, 2004, 11:28am

Thomas,

I am so very sorry that the Beast has found you again, my friend. :'( This is a war but there are many battlegrounds. I was probably pacing with you, or maybe after you because of the time difference. My dance started at 2am. Half way through it I had a partner because my son woke up, so while I am pacing and rocking, I had him in my arms. So I get the comfort of little arms that have total love and trust in me while I am screaming in my head. I wish that there was anything that I could do to take the pain from you.

In a very strange way, I am glad that I am chronic, as I dont have to live with the fear that I believe would over whelm me that episodics must feel when the time for a cycle grows near. The strength that you must have to go to sleep each night wondering / dreading if it will start that night. I know each night that I will have a visit form the beast, it has simply become a part of my life, but the clusterheads who skip for years and years and suddenly get hit again. I just could not imagine how you all handle that.

All the strength that I have is yours to use. Yell if you need an ear, or a shoulder. I will be here.

PF Wishes my friend,
Tiannia

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by thomas on Mar 10^th, 2004, 11:45am

Whoa, people, yes I have a cycle starting again, however I wrote this back in January, just now had the nerve to post it, so don't go thinking I'm dying or something like that, but I do appreciate the well wishes. ;;D

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by Tiannia on Mar 10^th, 2004, 11:55am

WE CARE ABOUT YOU SWEETIE.

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by Tim_w on Mar 10^th, 2004, 9:15pm

Thomas
Hang Tuff!!! walking or paceing with you bro!
Timw Happy Pappy

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by sandie99 on Mar 11^th, 2004, 5:20am

Thomas,

those things you wrote... when I have attack, it is like that. You wonder, why to go on, why not end it.
But you're absolutely right, its to moments without the beast that counts. And I'm gonna do my best to remember that.

Thanks for sharing that piece!

Best wishes & loads of PFdays,
sandie99

Title: Re: My struggle
Post by broomhilda on Mar 11^th, 2004, 1:24pm

Thomas, this post gave me absolute chills! Goose bumps all over!
Keep cherishing the sunshine, family and friends and beat this beast down.

I am here if there is anything you need, wishing you pf days and night :-*

Andrea