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        New Message Board Archives >> Jan-Mar 2003 >> The Complete Military History of France
        
(Message started by: das on Feb 25^th, 2003, 12:58pm)

Title: The Complete Military History of France
Post by das on Feb 25^th, 2003, 12:58pm

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-- The Dutch War - Tied.

-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Quote of the day:

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion"

Title: Re: The Complete Military History of France
Post by Brian_Y on Feb 25^th, 2003, 1:07pm

Repetez, s'il vous plait.....

Title: Re: The Complete Military History of France
Post by Charlie on Feb 25^th, 2003, 6:48pm

This thing has had a rebirth with this new "war."
While it's still funny, This is untrue:

Quote:

-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.

History is beautiful thing...too much makeup though ::)

Charlie

Title: Re: The Complete Military History of France
Post by WendyHowe on Feb 27^th, 2003, 8:25pm

Das.
This did make me laugh! Brilliant!
Don't understand why all the French CH sufferers registered on the site don't fight back though! (I think that may be a cue for a bad joke about French bravery)
Charlie- agree with you. Rewriting history seems to be a common CH sufferers hobby

Title: Re: The Complete Military History of France
Post by tanner on Feb 27^th, 2003, 10:29pm

das,

loved it, but since i still occasionally go to french restaurants and hate it when they spit in my food i will just leave it at that.

viva la frog legs!!!!!!!!!

tim

Title: Re: The Complete Military History of France
Post by Kirk on Feb 28^th, 2003, 2:26am

Here and I always thought they were just slow because they tracked thier dinner by slime trails., and taught thier pigs to hunt..
Oh well what do I know. ;D