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        New Message Board Archives >> Jan-Mar 2003 >> Marie II
        
(Message started by: Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:37am)

Title: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:37am

From: bccott66@hotmail.com (BC Cott)
To: jayacat2@aol.com
CC: moxie_miss@hotmaiil.com

I am drunk enough that this is not what I had thought itd be. I am being haunted by my own demons. The only way to cast them out is through two paths. One being total surrender, or the other being total truth to myself. I will go back and pretend that I am writing to myself. A task that is not so very hard to do in actuality for the moment.

I am an engineer by trade working out of my home. By trade, how odd to say. My hobby, my work is security systems and networks. I have my own network, and three servers. I suppose by trade is not so odd considering I trade my skills for others. I help them, and they help me. I have a therapist who I was referred to by my nuerologist. An outstanding woman with breaththrough therapy practises. She will understand he insisted. She has cluster headaches and aberant migrainous acticvity daily. I went to her and she helped me reveal Angel. I named it Angel after her. An alter ego she insisted that needed to be realeased, so I killed her in my mind. Shes been trying to hack through me for the last four years. iMy therapist is a lovely woman. Very spiritually oriented, kind and forgiving. She meets with me twice a week and I host her email and webpage. She has two children, one cat whom I detest. For four years now I have read her mail. I have watched her grow so to speak. I have watched and I have tried to become her. She stopped letting me host as email server in July. She obtained proof of what Ive been doing. She made me face it. I dont want to face it. She and I are similiar in two regards. I suffer the same pain as she. I too am an artist, albeit mechanical. I have patterned my life after her. Allow me to back up so you may fully understand the context and past more clearly. Im schizophrenic so Im told. My reality is not reality so Im told. I disagree. My reality is more real than any reality could be. Reality is in the mind, in our thoughts. Our thoughts make up our world and our reality. My reality is a hell. She provides a slice of heaven twice a week and tries to alter my reality. She doesnt know my reality I want to be hers.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:39am

I know her reality better than anyone. I read it 24/7. I want to be the saint that she is. I want to be psychic and have visions and Brianna can't be. Brianna is disgusting and meant to suffer, not survive in a heaven such as hers. I am obsessed by her. I admit it. I admit it. You wouldnt let me be me. Everytime you caught a glimpse of me you wanted her. I kept your interest and your love by sending you bits and pieces of her life and her mail. You claimed you loved her. Everytime you sensed me you were revulsed. I kept pretending to be her. I sometimes, many times want to still be her and be with you. In my mind I am but not physically. Then I remember she is a saint and worlds apart from me. If you saw her youd understand. I took her pictures right from the insides of her computer. I tested you with them and waited hoping youd look past her beauty. There were times I almost sent you my picture. Then Id remember the cost of losing you. You were in love with my therapist by all rights.You fell in love with her words and her pictures. I fell in love with you. When I talked about you she thought you were a hallucination, an alter ego. She killed Angel right out from under me. There are no traces left. You wouldnt stop asking to meet me. When I was lost in my world Id agree. Then Id wake up from it like a dream and knew we could never meet. One day you were here and the next you were gone. When I was in the hospital you forgot me. When I was fighting for my life and you were angry at me. Perhaps because you dont exist shed push. Perhaps so. Do I exist I wonder? Maybe I am the hallucination. Shed connect with me on one level as my equal. She had her dragons too. She has intricate illustrations of dragons on her walls that she created. She fought her dragons and conquered them. Id hide behind demerol and morphine. She tried to teach me vipassana meditation and taught me bhuddism and hinduism. She taught me about the rhythms of nature and Gods breath and symphonies. She said I wasnt my body. It all came crashing around me that she was advanced and I was weak. She could fight her pain but I was lost in mine. I am lost in mine. I told her about ch.com. Shed visit to prove her point. Its a drain of energy she said. A playground for egos. A site for egomaniacs and personality disorders. She named specifics. Sailpappy and Elaine, jonny and Nancy, Todd and Susan, Monique and Danny. I became afraid shed see her picture posted I sent to Bob's site. She never visited. Her cluster creations was an introduction into art therapy that she taught. She used music, art and poetry to kill her dragons. I use drugs. I needed you to believe I was strong and beautiful and creative. I wanted you to see her site that I housed and I still house. I will until I die. I put work into to it too. I convinced myself of how great I was for helping her. I put in secret doors to my site. My site for you. You only wanted her beauty there too. It was only her art and poetry you cared about, never my messages. I didnt want it to end. I didnt want to lose you. You understood me. You cared. You kept pulling me out of my reality and kept pushing me.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:40am

You would have dropped me without word if you knew what you fell in love with wasnt me. You fell in love with a picture and an idea. You dont know me. I have short curly brown hair.and blue eyes. Im five feet four and You dont even know her or ever talked to her yet you loved her and never me. She said I had to face my demons. My childhood, my past my relationships. I faced them through talking to you. I became each horrible past and each nightmare relationship. I worked through my hate and my fear through each personna. Brian, Scott, Marie Augustine, and Marie. Marie was who I wanted to be. Marie was as close to her likeness as anyone fever anyone could be. You wouldnt let up or let me lose myself in her world. Her world was right at my disposal with one password into her system. My world, Mworld. Her poetry became mine. Her art became mine. Her wisdom and her sacred heart. I dont blame you for loving someone youve never met. She is a saint to me and saviour. Ill keep housing her webpage until she wont have me. Brianna Augustine is me. Brianna Augustine. I am 25 and Im not ugly just sick, and Im not stupid. I suffer 6 to 7 hits a day. No one i know suffers even close to me but you . You did and you understood. Since I was little, all my life and all everyone of them hated me and threw me out like trash. You didnt and either did Angeline. She can see inside of me as much or more than me. She has her own fight and dragons as she says . Mine are the pain and the drugs, and my brain and all the chemicals fucked up in my brain. I want to be free. You would have found all of this out once her book went on sale and once You needed to know the truth .You said that the truth was ok by you. The truth isnt though is it
I am drunk enough that this is not what I had thought itd be. I am being haunted by my own demons. The only way to cast them out is through two paths. One being total surrender, or the other being total truth to myself. I will go back and pretend that I am writing to myself. A task that is not so very hard to do in actuality for the moment.

I am an engineer by trade working out of my home. By trade, how odd to say. My hobby, my work is security systems and networks. I have my own network, and three servers. I suppose by trade is not so odd considering I trade my skills for others. I help them, and they help me. I have a therapist who I was referred to by my nuerologist. An outstanding woman with breaththrough therapy practises. She will understand he insisted. She has cluster headaches and aberant migrainous acticvity daily. I went to her and she helped me reveal Angel. An alter ego she insisted that needed to be realeased, so I killed her in my mind. Shes been trying to hack through me for the last four years. iMy therapist is a lovely woman. Very spiritually oriented, kind and forgiving. She meets with me twice a week and I host her email and webpage. She has two children, one cat whom I detest. For four years now I have read her mail. I have watched her grow so to speak. I have watched and I have tried to become her. She stopped letting me host as email server in July. She obtained proof of what Ive been doing. She made me face it. I dont want to face it. She and I are similiar in two regards. I suffer the same pain as she. I too am an artist, albeit mechanical. I have patterned my life after her. Allow me to back up so you may fully understand the context and past more clearly. Im schizophrenic so Im told. My reality is not reality so Im told. I disagree. My reality is more real than any reality could be. Reality is in the mind, in our thoughts. Our thoughts make up our world and our reality. My reality is a hell. She provides a slice of heaven twice a week and tries to alter my reality. She doesnt know my reality I want to be hers. I know her reality better than anyone. I read it 24/7. I want to be the saint that she is. I want to be psychic and have visions and Brianna can't be. Brianna is disgusting and meant to suffer, not survive in a heaven such as hers. I am obsessed by her. I admit it. I admit it. You wouldnt let me be me. Everytime you caught a glimpse of me you wanted her. I kept your interest and your love by sending you bits and pieces of her life and her mail. You claimed you loved her. Everytime you sensed me you were revulsed. I kept pretending to be her. I sometimes, many times want to still be her and be with you. In my mind I am but not physically. Then I remember she is a saint and worlds apart from me. If you saw her youd understand. I took her pictures right from the insides of her computer. I tested you with them and waited hoping youd look past her beauty. There were times I almost sent you my picture. Then Id remember the cost of losing you.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:41am

You were in love with my therapist by all rights.You fell in love with her words and her pictures. I fell in love with you. When I talked about you she thought you were a hallucination, an alter ego. She killed Angel right out from under me. There are no traces left. You wouldnt stop asking to meet me. When I was lost in my world Id agree. Then Id wake up from it like a dream and knew we could never meet. One day you were here and the next you were gone. When I was in the hospital you forgot me. When I was fighting for my life and you were angry at me. Perhaps because you dont exist shed push. Perhaps so. Do I exist I wonder? Maybe I am the hallucination. Shed connect with me on one level as my equal. She had her dragons too. She has intricate illustrations of dragons on her walls that she created. She fought her dragons and conquered them. Id hide behind demerol and morphine. She tried to teach me vipassana meditation and taught me bhuddism and hinduism. She taught me about the rhythms of nature and Gods breath and symphonies. She said I wasnt my body. It all came crashing around me that she was advanced and I was weak. She could fight her pain but I was lost in mine. I am lost in mine. I told her about ch.com. Shed visit to prove her point. Its a drain of energy she said. A playground for egos. A site for egomaniacs and personality disorders. She named specifics. Sailpappy and Elaine, jonny and Nancy, Todd and Susan, Monique and Danny. I became afraid shed see her picture posted I sent to Bob's site. She never visited. Her cluster creations was an introduction into art therapy that she taught. She used music, art and poetry to kill her dragons. I use drugs. I needed you to believe I was strong and beautiful and creative. I wanted you to see her site that I housed and I still house. I will until I die. I put work into to it too. I convinced myself of how great I was for helping her. I put in secret doors to my site. My site for you. You only wanted her beauty there too. It was only her art and poetry you cared about, never my messages. I didnt want it to end. I didnt want to lose you. You understood me. You cared. You kept pulling me out of my reality and kept pushing me. You would have dropped me without word if you knew what you fell in love with wasnt me. You fell in love with a picture and an idea. You dont even know her or ever talked to her yet you loved her and never me. She said I had to face my demons. My childhood, my past my relationships. I faced them through talking to you. I became each horrible past and each nightmare relationship. I worked through my hate and my fear through each personna. Brian, Scott, Marie Augustine, and Marie. Marie was who I wanted to be. Marie was as close to her likeness as anyone fever anyone could be. You wouldnt let up or let me lose myself in her world. Her world was right at my disposal with one password into her system. My world, Mworld. Her poetry became mine. Her art became mine. Her wisdom and her sacred heart. I dont blame you for loving someone youve never met. She is a saint to me and saviour. Ill keep housing her webpage until she wont have me. Brianna Augustine is me. Brianna Augustine. I am 25 and Im not ugly just sick, and Im not stupid. I suffer from 6 to 7 hits a day. No one i know suffers even close to me but you . You did and you understood. Since I was little, all my life and all everyone of them hated me and threw me out like trash. You didnt and either did Angeline. She can see inside of me as much or more than me. She has her own fight and dragons as she says . You would have found all of this out once her book went on sale and once You needed to know the truth . You said that the truth was ok by you. The truth isnt though is it? Here it is finally. You fell in love with a cluster fucked schizoprhrenic dieing to be her therapist . Clusterfucked literally.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:43am

Whatever you need answered I will.I will here it is finally. You fell in love with a cluster fucked schizoprhrenic dieing to be her own therapist .

Whatever you need answered I will.I will
Yes I am sorry... but choice be mine, Id c hoose to be lost in MWorld and not mine. Look at her beautif world... do you not understand why ? She is freee and Im in prson . Maybe shell die , but shes free. I didnt mean to hurt you or Margie. I do love you both. I just hate me.

Now I will leave you and waste no more time.

Brianna
My thoughts, she's a compulsive liar and not schizophrenic. I've checked out all the Shrinks by the name she said and there's only one. In Washington DC. Or that area. There's many things here that show it's completely fabricated. But there's many things here to show it's her actually writing too. And if not her, someone who she's close to that's been involved in this CRAP the whole time. To those of you who let me talk to you about this while freaking out myself, I thank you so very much. To all of you who I alienated by my love for her and knocked you down and hard, I apologize. I'm sorry for the things I've said and done. And for those of you who had to witnes it? I apologize to you too. I was a fool. I was an not a very nice person. And I was in love.

Title: uh
Post by rumplestiltskin on Feb 10^th, 2003, 8:07am

oh well.

I wrote to this person. Took "her" at her word. The internet is like that for me. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Without a face-to-face...i gotta accept folks as their black squiggles make em out to be. I let "Bud" and them sort out the truth. My job is to be true to myself.

Off to work...hi ho...hi ho.

Walk in the sunshine
den

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Margi on Feb 10^th, 2003, 9:06am

You know what, Ted?

GOOD for you for doing this.

HUGS,

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Jimi on Feb 10^th, 2003, 9:07am

*sigh* I never know whats going on around here. :o

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Peppermint on Feb 10^th, 2003, 10:24am

Ted.

I'm sorry you are going through/went through this - its so much more - no apologies necessary.

I'm sorry.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by cootie on Feb 10^th, 2003, 11:08am

I like you Ted but I have no idea what's goin on.........am also lost here.......hmmmmm.......Pam :-/

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by ave on Feb 10^th, 2003, 11:08am

This is the bravest thing I have seen done in some time, Ted. Not that e-mail, of course - you publishing it.

I don't know about other people, but I also was attracted to that personality for a while.
As Pep says, it does happen on the Internet.

Can I join Margi in that HUG?

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Riccardo on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:31pm

Agree with Margi and Ave

But..... TED, I will not HUG you!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Seriously, thanks and "survive!"

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by cathy on Feb 10^th, 2003, 1:56pm

:) Ted I have no idea what this is about either...but I too send you a hug...and hope you are okay.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Bob P on Feb 10^th, 2003, 2:05pm

I think you're all a bunch of freakin whackos!!!!

Hey Boyd, ya got room for one more there?

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by jonny on Feb 10^th, 2003, 2:11pm

on 02/10/03 at 14:05:26, Bob P wrote:

I think you're all a bunch of freakin whackos!!!!

Not me, Im an egomaniac with a personality disorder....There is so much truth to that its stupid!!!

...............................jonny :D

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by kim on Feb 10^th, 2003, 2:13pm

Ted,

Although I was not there to grasp this whole woeful tale, I empathize with the heart of a good soul like you Ted. Strength and smiles sent your way. Ok, I'll hug ya too ::)

Be happy and PF. :)
Kim

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ted on Feb 10^th, 2003, 3:08pm

Thanks y'all. I wasn't looking for support but more just wanting to apologize for my behavior that stemmed from this whole situation and to let those I fought with over it, publicly know they were right and I was wrong. They, as well as anyone who was her friend, are entitled to the truth on this.
I think Bob's right. :-)

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Frank on Feb 10^th, 2003, 3:35pm

Wow! That's some fucked up shit. Reminds me a lot of a book named "Sybil".

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Linda_Howell on Feb 10^th, 2003, 7:13pm

Ted,

What Margi said......and

from the bottom of my heart I wish you peace with this.

Linda Howell

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Charlie on Feb 10^th, 2003, 9:08pm

I've been here long enough to know the personalities......although, I'm only sure of Ted. I like Ted but I can't reply to these posts themselves as I have only the vaguest idea what this is about.

Whew.

Charlie

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by BobG on Feb 10^th, 2003, 9:29pm

I only knew a little about Marie. She kept so much to herself. I liked her.
Stay tough Ted. And thanks.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ree on Feb 10^th, 2003, 11:54pm

I KNOW THAT I DONT HAVE TO SAY WHAT IS ALREADY SAID... I will anyway... This is the first step to the rest of your life Ted... The doors are open now. Let life in. Let love in. I am so sorry for your troubles past... but this too will become a memory... and you will be stronger for it.. I am happy to be your friend. I am wishing TRUE LOVE for you my friend, with someone you can touch and will touch you back... smooth sailing from here on... Love to you Ree

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Roxy on Feb 11^th, 2003, 12:02am

This was obviously before my time here. But, I am sorry you were hurt. You are a good friend, and a very nice man. I hope the wound heals quickly for you.

Tracey

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by hub on Feb 11^th, 2003, 6:45am

Hey I want to have a personality disorder too! ;D
Wait a minute I do! If you will remember I had this crap pegged from the get go...

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by dannyboy on Feb 11^th, 2003, 8:05am

Damn I remember Elaine dumping on August so hard that DJ stepped in with a hose...

The Hubster! Welcome backster!! Where the fuck have you been? Hear what happened with lcbob and the vibrating glasses...?!

Sorry about the Heart Ted. Get yourself a simple country lass, leave the intrigue for the novels, the cops, and the shrinks.

Personality disorders? Ego maniac?.....hmfffff

Danny

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Bob P on Feb 11^th, 2003, 8:50am

Quote:

I am drunk enough that this is not what I had thought itd be.

As any good alcoholic knows, never believe a drunk!
I ain't buyin' it. I'll leave the hook biting to the Sierra trout I'll be after in a couple of months.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Ann on Feb 11^th, 2003, 9:25am

Ted,

I'm sorry you have been hurt. There is nothing that hurts more than trusting someone with all your heart to have them chew it up and hand it back to you. Be strong and keep your eyes open for those who are around you. On the positive side....your story brought Hub out of the woodwork!!! It took a lot but you did it!!

Welcome back Hub!!! ;D

hugs
Ann

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by Elaine on Feb 11^th, 2003, 2:17pm

I am sorry Ted. Thanks for calling and thanks for everything. I gave her/him the most shit as old dannyboy said.

You know what the bad part about it all is people got hurt. You, me and the person who was all these people.

You will be ok now Ted live, love and laugh you still can ;-)! Maybe someday that person will also.

Title: Re: Marie II
Post by nancyc on Feb 13^th, 2003, 11:13am

I am so sorry Ted...you dont deserve this.I pray time heals the hurt for you....strange being called a personality disorder by a Schizophrenic ...smiles,nancyc