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        New Message Board Archives >> Jan-Mar 2003 >> Ever consider suicide?
        
(Message started by: jonny on Jan 5^th, 2003, 3:05am)

Title: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 5^th, 2003, 3:05am

Ever?

................................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by ave on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:21am

Not in the last forty years. Why?

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by pimmony on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:28am

Yes, I have. And, unrelated to cluster headaches, I tried to do it several years ago and really mucked it up. It was a serious attempt, not a cry for help. I have not tried again because I know that the process of patching up a messed up suicide attempt is appalling.

I know that if I had to do it again I would have to succeed.

However, I shall not do it again. Life is not so sweet that I feel I want to hang onto it, but every now and then there is a moment of absolute love and I live for those rare moments.

I think, too, that I owe it to Rachel, who saved me from hunger and homelessness, to survive and achieve -- not for her but for me. Because she had that faith in me.

Jonny, I do not know you very well at all but in this short time I am not assuming you mean you would do this. I hope not anyway, because you are the reason I remain here - with your tough and hard hitting humour and blunt words, you make things real.

And I do not draw big boobs for just anyone!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Svenn on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:43am

Tried it twice

First time with rohypnol.But my wife"bless her"came home from her job and understand whats going on and call the ER.The doc gave me some "narcantil"i think.Had my worst hangover ever after that

The second time was when i had my heartattack.Had it for 2 days with all the classic signals.I just was waiting for it to knock me out permanently .I refuse her to call but after 2 days"dont know if she overruled me"or i said call."BLESS HER FOR THAT TO"The rest of the story i think you all know.

I had to promise here never again,and i`m gonna keep that promise.

I think that some of you will call suicide a cowards way out.I will NEVER agree on that.Its all a question of when you are over the edge.Some of us can deal with all the pain and some are not.When everything is working against you,you soon be over the edge.

And after all the help and sympathy i got i feel obligated to help everybody here in Norway with headpain.Thats incudes migrainers.I`ll NEVER look down on them.Its not up to me to meassure the pain up with another.Think its better to think that its always somebody out there that are worse then you.

Hope that this answer your question Jonny

The very best from

Svenn

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 5^th, 2003, 7:03am

Pimmony,

I saw that the board was at a stand still when it comes to topics and decided to throw this question out there, I myself have thought about it....but who wouldnt after 27 years chronic?

Sorry folks, im here to stay.....LOL ;D

I got AZ to go to in.....uhhh...how many days does it say up there in the corner?

You draw fantastic boobs, Pimmony.....and TY for drawing a pair just for me!!

Now everyone grab an oar and start Fucking rowing!!!! (Damn hard to find good help these days ) ;D

.................................jonny :D

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Svenn on Jan 5^th, 2003, 7:38am

I think that you did us all a favour by bringing this subject up here Jonny.
I believe that "suicide thoughts"is a side of clusterheadache that we all has to deal with sooner or later.
Its just so sad that its a so called tabu to think or deal with that subject,but yet it so importent to work against in any way we can

Svenn

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 5^th, 2003, 8:02am

So true, Svenn

If anyone's thinking of doing such a stupid thing they should talk with their family.

The family that knows.....Clusterheads!!!

..................................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by RevDeFord on Jan 5^th, 2003, 8:29am

I have tried 2 times, not cluster related, both was back in the early 90's. Neither one did anyone know about. I hesitate calling it stupid, because it was a chemical problem that drove me ona downward spiral, and apparently unbeknownst to me, several on my mother's side of the family have dealt with severe depression.

One of the times I drank 16 bottles of icehouse and downed 30 over the counter sleeping pills. Needless to say, I was very surprised when I woke up.

The other time I loosened the lug nuts on my tires of my jeep and drove at a high-speed over an over pass hoping to lose control.

You can tell my state of mind on the last one.

I have sought special training and have served as a crisis counselor as a result of my experiences.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by suzy617 on Jan 5^th, 2003, 8:42am

Everytime I get hit with the beast I do think about it. I carry the scene out in my head but if in reality someone were to hand me the gun or the pills, I know I really couldnt or wouldnt. I think it is a selfish act that would ruin the lives of the people who love you and I believe life does eventually get better, only you cant sit and wait for that to happen, youve got to make that happen yourself. Just imagining doing it is good enough for me.

suzy

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Frank on Jan 5^th, 2003, 8:59am

I have never considered it. However I have asked my next door neighbor "Hey Bob, ever consider suicide?". More of a suggestion than a question.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by ShariRae on Jan 5^th, 2003, 9:23am

I have openly admitted that I have thought about it. The first time I found this board..I was sitting here..with the gun in my lap..and I know if it werent for jonny,nancyc,ree&sailpappy..I would have done it... I literally owe them my life..and will always be eternally grateful to all the folks here...i saw no other way out of this pain....until they showed me...and let me know that they understood..and I think thats what makes this home....knowing people DO understand. Never judge anyone that has come close..or even tried...no one knows whats really in their mind...
just my 2 cents worth
you are all truly loved
Shari

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Silver_Dolphins on Jan 5^th, 2003, 9:32am

Yep. Both because of the CH and other problems. Never carried it out, nor do I think I have the intestinal fortitude to do so.

I can also understand why some folks would commit suicide. Especially those that suffer from CH. Sometimes it seems like a viable solution.

But I am in this thing for the long haul.

Where's that friggin oar?

PFDAN

Silver Dolphins

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by nancyc on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:26am

I have thought of it every time I start getting hit ...but as of yet, i have not carried it out..BUT, I know if it had not been for my family here, I may have tried..You guys kept my head on straight even when I was in pain.. I was on the phone with another clusterhead yesterday, we were discussing this. My son got extremely mad cause I even mentioned it...Seems like non-clusterheads cant feel our pain... I would have to stick around if the beast decided to start dancing again...got a grandson to live for now...and he makes everything in my life better...lol...smiles, nancyc ps sharierae, you are loved, sis!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by ave on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:39am

All right, jonny.

Yes. Once. Tried it too. Failed.

If you feel shitty and life is the pits, think of waking up after a failed attempt and looking around a hospital ward where everybody knows what you have done - and then an apprentice nurse walks in to wash you and it is somebody you know...

This was where I hit bottom, 40 years ago this August. I couldn't get any lower. Life could only get better after that.
I never regretted taking that option. The other one has expired long since anyway.

And if this cannot convince you, try this poem called Résumé from my all time favorite sarcast, Dorothy Parker...

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Anja24BR on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:54am

Hello...
Yes... i did consider it many many times... for lots and lots of reasons.
But i never made anything to this "wish" come true...
The last time i thought about it was when the doctor told me the CH had no cure.
I could not think how could i live having 3,4,5 attacks during the day... how could i even leave the house with the feeling that any moment i could have an attack?
But I found confort when I found the Ch webpages and talked to Masti, Stan, Ken and found that there are solutions to handle with it. Yesterday i took my first medication. I'ts now here in Brasil 2:15pm. My last attack was yesterday at 7:00 am. So i hope the medicines are working.
Kisses to all
Maria Rita

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by pimmony on Jan 5^th, 2003, 11:04am

I too do not think that attempting suicide is stupid, for the simple reason that no one in their right mind would do it.

However, there are events which occur in life which either upset emotional or physical balance sufficiently that one can be said to be not in their right mind.

Thing is that in this state you are at times utterly convinced you are rational.

This is a very frightening thing in retrospect because you begin to understand that, with the best will in the world, things happen that unbalance you and it is only after the event that you are aware.

Pain can also drive you out of your mind.

I said to the neurologist that I do pain well, and I do. I can take an awful lot of pain - I know this historically and prior to the cluster bout. During the bout, and attacks, I simply became resigned to the pain and bore through it. I never thought of suicide. I do not know how it would be if I was chronic.

I suspect it is not the pain but the wearing down, the emotional response to a lack of sleep, fear of pain, whatever that would dictate my state of mind - I experienced that only to an extent it distressed me.

When I was suicidal I spoke with people, I did try to seek solace from those close to me. They did not understand or assumed that I was lucid and resolved and there was nothing that they could do. They chose to mourn me but not stop me. Could be it was just plain hassle and they were not prepared to take it on board, fearing the commitment.

I hope I would care sufficiently to do everything possible to prevent someone from this course, even were they a stranger. The reason I say that is because there will come a time for them when they are stable again and only then can they make judgements.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by 2late on Jan 5^th, 2003, 11:32am

never!! way to much to live for, kids wife, friends & the open road, not necessarily in that order ;D ..........2late

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by j.halber on Jan 5^th, 2003, 11:47am

Considered it several times never tried, have the overwhelming feeling I would just have to come back and do it All over again, just harder. Really good of you to bring up this topic jonny!!!!!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Mr.Happy on Jan 5^th, 2003, 12:10pm

http://drfeller.com/clustology/humptydumpty.jpg

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by brain_cramps on Jan 5^th, 2003, 12:17pm

Over the years, I have known 7 friends that have made that FINAL decision. I never thought I would ever come close.

About a year and a half ago, I went through a rough stretch. First, it was trying to deal with work with CH. I blew up at a co-worker and was removed from the job-site.

After being out of work for a couple months (and pretty broke by then), I messed up my foot pretty good. (shattered heel: 6 breaks, tore 85% of ligaments in my ankle, broke 3 toes, ruptured my achilles tendon)

I emailed a friend of mine that had recently moved across the country to tell him my situation. ie. broke, outta work, won't be walking for 6months to a year.

A couple days later, broke up with my girlfriend. (miss her - with every shot so far) She probably couldn't have picked a worse time, as far as I was concerned. (She would probably disagree)

So I unplugged the phone, sat down with a big bottle of Crown Royal (best rye money can buy), about 80 Tylenol-3's, and some old sleeping pills I found. Needless to say, I woke up (with the hangover-of-the-year).

That day, I received a call from the family my friend that had just moved. He'd taken his life the previous day. I know how his loss affected my other friends and I. I couldn't imagine losing 2 friends, the same way, on the same day.

Since that day, I have never considered it, and hopefully never will (even when in cycle).

Those of you that think it is the coward's way out, I AGREE!!! You are simply taking your pain (whatever it is) and spreading it out over everyone that was close to you.

Oh, and my foot... 9 months with a cast, crutches, and cane. 18months later and I can walk with no noticeable limp, even though I still can't run (or ski >:()

Grant

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by brain_cramps on Jan 5^th, 2003, 12:23pm

Mr. Happy:

good picture. Its good to know that I can still laugh at this.

jonny:

excellent thread. We all should discuss this, since most, if not all of us have thought of this at 3:00 AM with a KIP-10.

PFDANs to all,
grant

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cecile on Jan 5^th, 2003, 12:43pm

Of course I thought about it : each time pain comes unbearable but, as some one says in his post, each time it was 'cause i wasn't in my "normal" state (so it was not really serious)

the only time i really thought about it, it was last week after i loose my baby ..... You may not believe it, but this is why I came back to this site : to find support near.
and actually it works cause in A couple of days i allready feel better : thank you so much all :) :)

lots of love to you all :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

cécile

nb : M.Happy /
1. cONGRATULATION FOR THE PICTURE
2. I LOVE YOUR NAME

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Jan 5^th, 2003, 1:03pm

suicide.....well.....pimmony explained bi-polar or (manic depressant) purdy much to the ' T '.....happy happy one minute and ready ta shoot yerself the next.....but the feelings and emotions that go with the mood swings are too REAL.....then ta add to it I've had a rough emotional time since my freinds were killed two years ago.....then I lost my true life buddy, my horse....and I had to make the desicion to let him go....There's a big void.....but keepin busy doin what you enjoy is the best deterant there is...take all talk you hear of suicide SERIOUS my freinds....your answers or compassion at that moment may be sumones decideing factor. I've lost alot of freinds to suicide. My emotions switch so fast it catches me off guard...I kinda think that's what happens.....keepin busy is the best thing......and freinds !! But ta answer the question.....yeah I've thought about it way to many times....but there's too many roads left ta travel and wind in my face....Pam

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Elaine on Jan 5^th, 2003, 5:32pm

Yes a few times I have tried But never because of clusters. Cancer and feeling really alone, and not wanting to let my family watch me die was the main reason for each time.
I believe in the right to die act...when it comes to the terminal ill.
I never hurt from a cluster so bad as to have a gun at my head. I can bearly give myself a shot much less pull a trigger durning a cluster. I can't even think when I have one enough to figure out a good way to kill myself.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Roxy on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:02pm

Only during the last two weeks.

And only in the middle of the ungodly number of kip 10's I've been having.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:09pm

Roxy...you need to talk don't hesitate to get on here....tay ??? Remember that oh-tay.....if not to talk, ya mite find a few laughs !! Pam

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cathy on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:15pm

on 01/05/03 at 18:09:00, cootie wrote:

Roxy...you need to talk don't hesitate to get on here....tay ??? Remember that oh-tay.....if not to talk, ya mite find a few laughs !! Pam

Well said cootie..... :)

Roxy ....you'd be missed....send a post and we'll cheer you up...sorry you're having such a bad time... :'(

Cathy...

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Roxy on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:28pm

Thanks guys,

But don't worry. I'm fine. Thought about it, but, would never do it. It's hard not to think of it when you're edging from that kip 9, up into the 10 zone. You think all kinds of crazy things......like, if I could just blow the whole damn head up...it would go away!!! But when it's gone, I smile and laugh at myself. No problem.

Ya'll are sweeties for caring,

Roxy ;D

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cathy on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:32pm

;D

PHEW......thought I was gonna have to get my samaritan hat on..... ;D

Glad your okay Roxy....heres sending you all my PF thoughts........................ ;)

Cathy :)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by BobG on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:42pm

Nope.

But many years ago when I was first searching for information on clusters I saw that they were often referred to as suicide headaches. During many of my attacks I remember thinking that "suicide headaches'' fits very well. I have never considered it but I could understand how it could lead someone down that path.

Hey Frank.........you're not the Frank that lives next door to me are you? ;)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Jan 5^th, 2003, 6:50pm

Shari....that was pretty heavy what happen'd and how this place saved you....good inspiration for others ! Pam :)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Brassbear on Jan 5^th, 2003, 7:21pm

Sadly, yes. On more than one occasion but not because of ch. Some of the things in my mind left by war never seem to find rest.

"The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort: with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night." Friedrich Nietzshe.

and the opening words to the theme from the MASH TV show: "Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I choose."

Rather morbid, I will admit. My attempts, thankfully were not well thought out. I guess I would add myself to the list of those who were crying for help.

Thanks for the topic jonny, it's good to let go.

Michael

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by StanTheMan on Jan 5^th, 2003, 8:19pm

Nope. No way...

(I'd be lying if I said it never crosses the mind occaisionally, but it's NEVER been seriously contemplated.)

Reason #1:
My religious convictions about how God is the Giver of Life and I have no right to snuff it out. Mine or anyone elses. Clusters or no clusters.
Sorry, folks -- that how I feel about it.

Reason #2
My family's already been through it once. (My brother back in 1980). The pain and anguish it put us through was pure, un-diluted hell.

Put my parents, siblings through that AGAIN? NO!!!
A thousand times NO!!

Put my wife and children though the same thing I went though 22 years ago?
NO! A thousand times NO!!

This is not to suggest I have no compassion for those who consider it...I do. My wife attempted it before we met and before she became spiritually "grounded".

My heart aches each time I hear of someone who attempts and/or suceeds.
If I can help someone find hope and joy in living despite the pain, then one of my "missions" in life will be fulfilled.

Well... you asked!! :)

StanTheMan

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Linda_Howell on Jan 5^th, 2003, 9:29pm

O.K. I'll add my 2 and a half cents here:

Yrs. ago I tried it.
Bottle of Jack Daniels & every pill I had.
Don't want to get into the why of it, but I wanted out
of this life.
Someone found me soon after. Too soon, & I'm still
here.

Then I developed Clusters and am now chronic.
So for the last 15 yrs, I only think about it 3 times a
day. But not seriously. When HE wants me, I'll go home. Linda Howell

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by brain_cramps on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:02pm

on 01/05/03 at 21:29:11, Linda_Howell wrote:

When HE wants me, I'll go home.

well put!!!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Karla on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:09pm

Being chronic for 5 years and getting hit 8x a day I must say I thought about commiting suicide daily. My husband locked up the guns and keeps all my medicines locked up and gives them to me as needed so I can't overdose. I am on an antidepressent but it just doesnt' seem to help the feeling of wanting to die. I am now on methadone and have been pain free for 2 months. I can say I havent thought about suicide once in the last two months and am glad I am alive now to enjoy it. My advice is hang in there because you never know when that break through is comming.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Frank on Jan 5^th, 2003, 10:35pm

OK, ignore my previous post... I have seriously considered it when having a Kip 10 or 11 (don't let anyone tell you there is no such thing as a Kip 11... I have had one or two). But even at that pain level I've managed to keep my head enough to realize that 1) CHs aren't that bad, 2) I wouldn't wan't to fuck it up and be a burden to my family later.

Fact is that gunshots to the head are only 92% effective. Anyone who is unlucky enough to be one of the 8% is screwed... and so is their family who has to prop them up in the wheelchair, change their diapers, clean up the drool running down their chin, change the feeding tube or add more liquid food to the feeding tube, etc. Pretty much the same result if you do pills and are found 10-20 minutes after you stop breathing or your heart stops. Advances in modern medicine can keep vegetables alive for years. Yuck. :(

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by sueellen83 on Jan 6^th, 2003, 12:27am

Yes, Jonny, I have thought about suicide several times.

When I was 19, I had just gotten divorced. I miscarried a baby, that was the only thing keeping me going. I tried to drive my car off a bridge into a river. At the last second I swerved back on to the road and went straight to my Dr.'s office.

I didn't think about it again until I was about 26 and having CH's. The cycle was so bad and the neuro. I was seeing then had me on 80mg of Prednisone daily. I was having bad side effects to the med. and he refused to even talk about other med. options. I started looking for a new neuro. in my area. Most wouldn't even see me because I didn't have insurence. The one's that did told me they had never heard of CH. I felt like I was stuck with the Dr. who wouldn't listen. I felt so alone and that no one understood what I was going through. I found a new neuro. in the nick of time. He got me through the rest of that cycle (and a couple since then). I also found you guys !!!! and now know that I'm not alone with this monster.

Haven't thought about it in a long time but, know what it's like to feel there is no other way to get rid of the pain ( physical or emotional).

Good topic.

Sue Ellen

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Jarvis on Jan 6^th, 2003, 1:23am

..Nope I have never knowingly contemplated suicide. Not in my worst pain or anguish..........Some say that I had a death wish for many years with the actions I took. Extreme sports ie; cliff jumping, extreme skiing, river running at flood stage, survivalist trips, Things that were done because others said they couldnt be, all while under the influence of drugs.. Some of these many others had died trying.,3 of them my friends..I guess I didnt care if I did live or die, is that the same as suicide thoughts.....I watched as my closest friend put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger at the start of this phase, What a fuckin mess that was. Guess who cleaned it up... . It was many years of heavy drugs and the above before it was over.... Suicide only fucks up everyone around you and the suicidee gets off with no pain and definately no gain...Its the bullshit way out....Most of the time the people that do attempt suicide cant even do that right.I have seen it too many times. A cry for help my ass. I think its a wish to hurt others, no matter what they say..This subject is pissin me off all over again. I suffer the kip 15s and not once have I looked at ending it on account of that.............Life is incredible if you only live it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO LIVE IT! Like domm said you just gotta take a little time out now and then. Go ahead and scold me. I do understand depression however and I know its real. I also believe in the right to die when needed.......Ok I feel better now.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Charlie on Jan 6^th, 2003, 1:25am

Thought of it for 5 minutes....not seriously. I would like the option if dying in pain of some horror. It's not easy to judge. As they say: Sometimes it's not why but why not? Still, suicide is the most extreme form of selfishness. It hurts everyone but you.

Charlie

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Tracy37 on Jan 6^th, 2003, 5:54am

Yes I have, three times in all. Two not connected with Clusters, and once with.

Hmmm, I don't agree that suicide is a cowards way out.....I had a friend at school whose Mum slit her wrists and got in a hot bath (she tried suicide regularly as she was paranoid about him leaving home and her, always knowing what time he'd be in though to "save" her). That day he was three hours late, judging by the mess he found she had tried desperately to get out of the bath, but was too weak by that point. He NEVER forgave himself, the last I heard (when we were about 32), he was STILL being treated for depression and had two failed marriages behind him.

But to the point in hand, it takes a great deal of courage to cut your wrist with a knife. His Mum must have been terrified as the reality of her situation hit home. The pain of what she'd done to herself must have been awful too. The time I really MEANT to do it, was when my daughter was about 6 months old - I had severe post natal depression, moderate agrophobia, my clusters were at their peak and reaching about a Kip 7-8 and my doc wouldn't medicate me (told me they were 'stress headaches' and I should stop complaining about nothing when migraines were much worse!), my in-laws were trying break up my marriage and overall my life sucked big time. I stood at my kitchen sink and I had a knife I'd just cut some fruit up with.........I looked at my wrist and knew that if just went from wrist to elbow there would be nothing anyone could do. My husband wasn't due back from work for another 4-5 hours, I would be well dead by then. I could just lay down and sleep, my problems would no longer exist because I didn't. (I know suicides are meant to go to hell, though I don't believe God is cruel, and so wouldn't cause more torment to an already tormented and saddened soul by sending them there). My daughter was in her car seat on the worktop and she started crying, I looked at her and realised how much I'd be hurting her....what kind of emotional baggage would I leave her with knowing her mother had killed herself with no one in the house but her and me. I had the knife at my wrist, had even marked the skin....but I carefully put the knife in the sink, picked her up along with her bottle and went into the living room. I shut the door and wouldn't go in there for the rest of the day. The pull of that knife was sooo strong, it really scared me. It seemed such a natural thing to consider.

The other two times were due to health problems, and the feeling that my family would be better off without me. Trev could find a wife who wasn't sick all the time, and Beth could have a Mum who would be able to play and eat pizza without getting tired or throwing up blood. However, considering it was as far as I went - I managed to get my head back both times without going further.

Depression is the most insidious disease. Whether brought on by circumstance or illness (like clusters), it eats away at you until the thought of death at your own hand seems the most natural thing in the world to solve your problems.

I have great sympathy for anyone whose thought about, or attempted, suicide. The only thing I would say is this.....whilst YOUR torment would be over, for those you love it lasts for the rest of their lives. Don't condemn them to suffer as you did, try and fight on just one day at a time. Don't condemn them to a life like my friend's.

Take care.

Catch you on the flip!

Tracy

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Stampertje on Jan 6^th, 2003, 7:16am

Thought about it twice.

First time was because of personal reasons. A good friend noticed something and talked me out of it. Thank God for this guy!!!

Second time was with a Kip 10 and no abortives. This was in the early stage of my diagnoses. I was walking through living room in the middle of the night. Then I walked to the kitchen and took a big kitchen knife in my hand.
And then suddenly my mom took the knife out my hand. She came down because she heard me bang my head against the wall.

I had scared almost to "death". She stayed with me until the attack was gone. Then she send me to bed and said we would talk about it the next day.

Never tried or thought about it since.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by don on Jan 6^th, 2003, 3:24pm

Yes.

It was exactly 1.427 hours after returning from my honeymoon.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by echo on Jan 6^th, 2003, 4:55pm

Yes,

Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please.

I'll leave it. Someone can just shoot me instead!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Slammy on Jan 6^th, 2003, 5:32pm

No, can honestly say I never gave it a serious thought...murder, maybe...but not suicide... ;D

Slammy 8)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cathy on Jan 6^th, 2003, 5:54pm

Hey Echo.....

on 01/06/03 at 16:55:17, echo wrote:

Yes,

Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please.

I'll leave it. Someone can just shoot me instead!

I recognise that line.......isn't it from a song... ??? :P

Lucky for you im a crap shot....not that i'd have shot you...cos like I said Im a crap shot..and I'd miss you... ;)

http://www.frinkian.com/images/smiles/new_2gunsfiring_v1.gif

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cerebus on Jan 6^th, 2003, 6:21pm

Yes, many times, fortunately for the lot of you I was all thought and no action. Mainly because I couldn't think of a painless method at the time, but, I have no doubt that I would have succeeded on the first try. None of my suicidal thoughts were CH related either. 'course Severe depression will do that un-checked I suppose.
Too much to live for nowadays, and although at one time or another I have thought that maybe I should not live, Someone or Something has decided that I be born so who am I to make the choice to die.
Maybe someday when I can no longer function under my own power or am terminally ill maybe then I will call Dr. Kevorkian.........but till then stayin' alive.
Cerebus

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by 9erfan on Jan 6^th, 2003, 8:34pm

Yes, I've thought of it. A lot. Just to escape the pain of these damn clusters. :'( Especially after going chronic. But I've never tried it and that's why I don't own a gun. With my luck, I wouldn't do it right and then I would be a vegetable instead.
Now I just find myself begging God to "let me die" during the 10's.

Virginia

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by paul_b on Jan 7^th, 2003, 1:05am

Have lived 60 years. Plently of ups and downs. Pain of Ch started over 20 yrs. ago. Seems like my current attack is moving in the direction of my becoming chronic; never had a cycle last this long (8 months). What has always kept me going is that I have learned is that bad always has an end point and good always has a starting point. If I should ever lose hope, then other alternatives, like suicide would

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by paul_b on Jan 7^th, 2003, 1:15am

Have lived 60 years. Plenty of ups and downs. Pain of Ch started over 20 yrs. ago. Seems like my current attack is moving in the direction of my becoming chronic; never had a cycle last this long (8 months). What has always kept me going is that bad always has an end point and good always has a starting point. If I should ever lose hope, then other alternatives, like suicide would become an option. The loss of hope without alternatives, like this Message Board, makes suicide more likely. This place has helped more than words can ever really say. Thank you all.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by brain_cramps on Jan 7^th, 2003, 1:22am

on 01/07/03 at 01:15:55, paul_b wrote:

This place has helped more than words can ever really say. Thank you all.

Thanks from me too!!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by echo on Jan 7^th, 2003, 8:49am

Cathy -- we have a bingo. The verse is from the theme song from M.A.S.H.

For all -- several years ago I attended a funeral for a friend who ended it all with a shotgun. Prior to the service while 50 or so people were in the waiting room listening to background music, Ole Blue Eyes came on singing "I did it my way". Tacky - but funny. Knowing the guy in the casket - he would have gotten a kick out of it.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by hdbngr on Jan 7^th, 2003, 9:27am

Yeah, I think we all have thought of it. Especially in those dark hours when the pain sears along the eyeball and you have been up for 30 straight hours walking and crying!

When I had the worlds least helpful Doctor ( and I use the term "Doctor" loosely) and the pain was so intense I wanted my head explode and get it over with, I was walking around in circles, my thought process went something like this: I need a gun, but we don't own a gun. Some people park their car in a garage, but we didn't have a garage at this house. I guess I could get in the tub and use a blade, but that would be really messy and I couldn't bear to have my husband come home and find that, because he would blame himself for leaving me alone. Around and around and around, and in the background of all that mental noise, I thought of God, family, friends and my love for them.

Medication was not an option because the Doctor, in his infinite wisdom, decided that any pain medication at all would make the pain WORSE, which is laughable. The pain was what was making me want to die. I didn't have enough brains to follow through with this, thank God. To be safe, we don't own a gun, and never will, just in case. My husband keeps the meds. He knows by looking at me when I need them.

Now, in my dark hours, I hang out here, read posts, draw strength from others, get new ideas about treatments, medications, and know that I am never alone. I was surprised though, that even on a topic like this one, that so many have had the same thoughts.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by talitha on Jan 7^th, 2003, 11:17am

Fantasize about it every time a 10 wakes me up. Exhaustion, pain, fear all of these contribute to the thoughts. BUT
1. the headaches pass
2. ain't my place to decide
3. I would definitely screw it up and be a vegie for decades ( with clusters no doubt) and scar my loved ones irreparably and ...
4. I refuse to let this beast win!

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by catlind on Jan 7^th, 2003, 11:45am

I wasn't going to respond to this thread. Svenn brought up a point about the shame and taboo of the subject. I'm ashamed of the fact that not only did I think of it, I did it.

Not CH related, and I was DOA. 400+ pills and vodka does that to ya. It was not a cry for help. I told no one. My friend called as I sat happily playing nintendo waiting to go, and she knew something wasn't right. From then it's a long story to the DOA in the hospital, and me waking up in ICU and saying "FUCK" because I was so pissed that it didn't work.

At that point in time, I was able to completely rationalize why me being dead was better for everyone. I then formulated a foolproof plan for my next attempt. I have not made that attempt, nor do I have any intentions of it. But CH has many times made me want to stick my head under a moving tire...not to die, but to kill the pain. I have no desire to die these days, although not so long ago I was at the end and told my hubby I can't live this way. CH pain or drugged, not a good life in my opinion. Then I found this home. And I have not had to worry about that feeling of no hope again.

To this day, that plan formulated many years ago still exists and is available, and to this day no one knows what it is. Insurance policy? I dunno, but if ever the time comes that I feel I have no other option, and I can't imagine that situation ever coming to fruition, but then I'll have it.

Cowardly? Yes. Permanent solution to a temporary problem? Yes. Selfish? Very.

I love life, and I believe life to be of the highest value. If my value system ever disintegrates, then maybe I'll use that plan. Otherwise, I'm here to stay.

My children and my husband and my family here in clusterville deserve much better than that from me. They deserve to enjoy or suffer ;) my presence :)

If anyone feels they are at that edge, where they can see no way out, come to us, there's something about this family of people that can help even the most despairing person.

Cat

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Hound_Dogg on Jan 7^th, 2003, 12:27pm

Never-Never-Never...But I'm episodic. If I was chronic, my answer may have been different.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by kim on Jan 8^th, 2003, 7:34pm

Catching up (as usual...).

Jonny, you have dealt with chronic conditon of ch for close to what I have as an episodic.....Why you asked this question? Longtime. sure it's been discussed so many goddamned times - But...........and so it goes....

Ever thought of suicide?

In relation to life outside clustes? NO.

In relation to dealings at the time of intense clusters? ...........TOYED wit the IDEA..........Can ya get that? I imagine anyone who has dealth day in and day out with a disorder that is little understood - which causes extreme isolation, plus the anger level, the frustration level, the hoplessness level that CAN arise from repetetive ATTAKS, then, I will be honest here....

There were times (i repeat times - cuz it's RELEVANT, know what I mean?) anyway -- when i was in the company my MOM, or my husband and an incredible attack would ensue, I revealed how I felt - and this is how: "I Cannot live like This" thoughts that I moaned aloud. Stuff like "I'm not alive" or "What did I do to deserve this" would be vocalized. There was some crying - (my husband one time cried worse than me! _ LOL?) anyway, these types of thoughts I feel are normal and not necessarily "suicidal" They are a direct "knee jerk" response to extreme pain and felt by many people at high stress moments.....I was involved in a car accident one time that caused extreme injury to my body. The fire department came to visit me and told me they were glad I "made it" -OMG! To this day, I feel that at the time of that trauma, I had more mental control over myself than I do during the extreme times of clusters....Go figure!
Suicide? We all say and think pretty screwey stuff when the bullet hits............. ??? but I think clusters and suicide are worlds apart - really..........

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 8^th, 2003, 7:54pm

on 01/08/03 at 19:34:39, kim wrote:

Jonny, you have dealt with chronic conditon of ch for close to what I have as an episodic.....Why you asked this question? Longtime. sure it's been discussed so many goddamned times - But...........and so it goes....

Ever thought of suicide?

Kim.

Are you asking me why I brought up this quesion once again GODDAMN it??

Cause anywhere between 20 and 50 people join this board every two weeks thats why.

How many hits on this thread, Kim??.......does it look like this subject has been talked out??

As for your last question......Yes, more than id like to admit.

................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by kim on Jan 8^th, 2003, 8:00pm

Jonny poopsie,

No I am not asking you WHY. Acknowleging the repetetiveness of the query in and of itself - YEP, that were me. so WHAT dudeeeee woopsy. Gave what was real boyboy.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Tracy37 on Jan 9^th, 2003, 4:31am

Hi Kim!

I have to say that Jonnie asks a valid question. I must admit I DON'T like being reminded of those three occasions in general (and one in particular), but then again to be reminded is a good thing. It makes me realise how close I came to taking the "long walk", and how I can NEVER let myself get THAT close again.

Whether you consider/attempt suicide because of influences on your life outside of clusters, or whether it's because of the clusters themselves - the fact is we've considered/attempted suicide. Period.

As Jonnie says there are an awful lot of people joining this board every week and, like me, it's a relief to find out they're not a freak for seriously wanting to end their life and stuff the consequences for their families. That they're not a freak for possibly considering it not once, but THREE times as I did.

I'd like to thank Jonnie for reminding me about those dark days; I still suffer from depression sometimes and sometimes those thoughts bubble to the surface - but because of messages like this I'll remember WHY I didn't carry it through - my husband and my daughter (whose now 5). The consequences of my actions would destroy them, particularly my daughter.

So, for the record, thanks Jonnie - it's good to be reminded that I don't suffer alone and that suicide, whilst NOT the coward's way out that every one assumes, is not the way to deal with the c#*p that life throws at us every day.

Take care.

Catch you on the flip!

Tracy

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by catlind on Jan 9^th, 2003, 10:36am

Gonna chime in again,

As Kim said, and I said, during an episode (for me) or during an attack for a chronic maybe, it's that thought of "I can't live like this". It doesn't mean we don't want to live, exactly the opposite I think. It's a means of expressing that this damn pain is PREVENTING us from LIVING fully. Whenever I'm in cycle I always feel like I'm simply existing, and I am a normally exuberant person who loves to LIVE fully.

When the depression finally hit me in December after 3 years of fighting the medical community and having parts removed and test after test done, and feeling that I couldn't do it anymore, I *recognized* the signs that I went through when I DID try to end it all. The first thing I did was tell my husband and best friend. Then I made an appt with my Dr and told her what had happened.

Because of my past experience, I was able to see where I was headed and seek intervention before I ever got close.

Hopefully, by Jonny starting this thread, some of the people who read it will do the same, and seek help.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I hope everyone remembers that. We may not yet have a cure or even a standard treatment for CH, but that doesn't mean we never will. With this boat and all the folks rowin as hard as they are, there's no question that we'll beat this thing.

Cat

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Mark C on Jan 9^th, 2003, 12:37pm

Briefly...

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Elizabeth on Jan 9^th, 2003, 9:08pm

yes

but i've never (after age 15) been a quitter.... i'm the (overly) persistent one in the family.

does it sound good when you want to cut your eye out with a steak knife? hell yeah! would i do it intentionally? nope.

Lizzie

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Fernando on Jan 10^th, 2003, 7:15am

Hi!

This is my first participation here. I'm 25 years old and have been suffering from CH a couple of years. I think there is just one way to accurately describe a cluster headache: IT HURTS LIKE HELL!

Yes, it does; but it won't kill you. Whenever I have a headache, I keep saying to myself: It will not last long ... I'll soon be all right. Sometime it does last long, but I always know I'll be all right in a couple of minutes, hours or even days. That's a good way to deal with pain.

I'm writing this message after one of the worst nights in my life. I admit that last night I told God, in prayer, that I couldn't stand it anymore, and I would rather die than to live with this horrible pain. But I never thought about suicide. I just thought I couldn´t take it anymore because, besides the headaches, I have cerebral palsy and can't walk the way I would like to. I thought it was a burden too heavy for me.

The headaches also cause problems with my job, since I work as a freelance translator and I earn money according to the jobs I take ... that is to say, if I am not able to take jobs, I earn no money at all. But I never considered suicide. These are some things that can make the life of a "clusterhead" better: enjoy all your pain-free moments, remember that no pain can last forever and have faith in God (just because He may be the only One that can help you). We have just one life; suicide is not a solution. Headaches can make you cry, curse, bang your head, scream ... but they can't kill.

Regards,

Fernando.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by netniet on Jan 10^th, 2003, 1:41pm

Many, many times when I got hit, I thought, I throw myself out de window (living at the third floor).

Lying on the floor begging/praying that the pain will stop. No matter what or how.

But.... always been ,when the pain was gone, happely being alive and kicking ;)

My mother tryed two times to kill her self :-/

Being there, seen that, I know for my self that even when the beast kicks me so bad, that i scream and beg banging my head to the floor, I really don't want to die.

I know the differents between wanted to die in the moment (when I have those terrible pains). Or wanted dead because life has treating you so bad over and over again, that you really can't see "the bright side" of life anymore :-[

My mother died (cancer) in jauari '02 it's almost a year now :'(
She was only 56 years old!!!

I'm a clusterhead but glad to be alive

Net- :)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Jan 10^th, 2003, 2:07pm

Fernando....jus wanted ta say HI and also Net if I haven't done so yet.....Anyhow.....well ya know what they say.....life's a bitch 'n then ya die......but sometimes ya gotta take charge 'ta live' and life not be sucha bitch.....were all a product of our own productive'ity....gotta find a way and be strong......it's not always easy....but no one likes a quitter......I've had several freinds that were 'quiters' and I'm still pissed at em.....Pam

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by netniet on Jan 10^th, 2003, 4:02pm

Hi to you Pam,

I just wanted to say, I woud not be pissed at my mother ever.

Sometimes life is a real strungle, every single day, you don't commit suicide because your nail is broken of, or your having a bad hair day.

I think taken your own life is the most difficult thing to do and it takes a lot of strenght. In general people do think about it for months or years, you don't end your life in a snap.
they don't have a way out but death, and I really respect there choice.

Of cause it's hard for the people they left behind, and often they have no answers they are left with the quastion: why! they are angry,"if only she talked to me" I could help.

But don't you think that, if that would do it for them, they killed them self ??? Imagen that every single day, you have to fight (I now we al fight). And no matter what, how hard you try, there is no day, not a single day you be glad your a life. And this goes on and on for years.

Don't be angry, pitty them, because life treat them so bad that the only way of getting some peace of mind is to kill them selfs. If they had a choise they choose life, cause in the end no one want to die.

Net- :-[

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Night_Owl on Jan 10^th, 2003, 5:55pm

Hello everyone. Haven't been on here in a while and deleted my username. However I decided to log on again and see what everyone was up to. It is odd that this is one of the new topics. I recently overdosed. Long story. I am ok now. Trying to put things back together. This is all I am going to post for now. Hope everyone is doing well.

Night_Owl

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Ounce on Jan 10^th, 2003, 6:22pm

I not only considered , but attempted 3 times. That was many years ago , and in a different life.

To get to the point where your life has no meaning to you is a terrible thing. But to face your life , decide to make it better instead of over , can be scarey too.

I don't think that i will ever get to that point again before looking for help , I faced it 3 times and survived , guess i was meant to stick around for a while.

Mary

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 10^th, 2003, 6:39pm

And im glad you did stick around, Mary.......Mike speaks highly of you.

.................................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Bob P on Jan 10^th, 2003, 6:54pm

Nope. Never.

Have asked the Lord to do it for me a couple of times but I'd never do myself in.

I'm so looking forward to being 70 years old, sitting on my porch in my boxers, drinking wine coolers, smoking weed and listeneing to Pink Floyd.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 10^th, 2003, 7:03pm

on 01/10/03 at 18:54:04, Bob P wrote:

Hair to your waist and a ZZ-Top beard?

Hang in there till I arrive, we will chill like chilling was to cold......LOL

.........................................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by brain_cramps on Jan 10^th, 2003, 8:08pm

think this guy had CH ???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The biggest choice all day is the option of suicide.

The thought of suicide is a strong consolation; one can get through many
a bad night with it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Freidrich Nietzsche

???

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by TerryS on Jan 10^th, 2003, 8:37pm

Suicide, yeah I can't count the number of times I have thought of doing that. Cluster Head now for 31 years and am still going. Migraines I have had for as long as I can remember and am now 55. I sometimes think I would rather have a cluster headache then a Migraine. My clusters last anywhere from 5 min. to 3 hours. But my migraines last 12 hours and sometimes longer like 24. I hate them both. I have learned to live with them, even though I have headaches everyday. Oh once in a while I have a pain free day and some days aren't as painful as a lot of others. If it weren't for the love of my wife and two daughters I more then likely wouldn't be here today.

God bless,

TerryS

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Dagg on Jan 10^th, 2003, 10:54pm

:'( This is quite a sore subject for me. My brother comitted suicide almost 5 years ago. He was 27 years old with a baby on the way. Depression and alcohol got the better of him. I have to say that if anyone out there thinks suicide is the answer, think of your family before you do it.

The police came to my door at 10:00 p.m. on a Monday night and gave me the bad news. When we went to his house the next day, there were garbage bags with duct tape around the opening. On each bag there was one side that was shredded to pieces. There were 4 sets of these. Next to an empty bottle of Jim Beam was his belt set at about neck size. In the end he drove to the river bar, duct taped all his windows, and ran a hose from his tailpipe. To this day, the image that replays in my mind is him shredding each one of those 4 bags in the fight for air. I just wish that fear would have held a little stronger.

If you're thinking about it, DON'T DO IT!!!!!

Dagg

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Jan 11^th, 2003, 12:18am

Boy Bob P 'n Jonny got the rite outlook.....got room fer one more.....already got ya beat with the hair thing......and think I'll pass on the beard (well ya never know what hormones'll do to ya tho by then) ......sounds like a plan.........Pam ;)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Brassbear on Jan 11^th, 2003, 8:37am

BobP, Jonny and Cootie...

Make room for two more rockin' chairs. Ounce and I are coming to join ya!

We'll bring an awesome stereo set and a colletion of rock n roll from the 50's to present!

Michael

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Bob P on Jan 11^th, 2003, 11:43am

Quote:

Hair to your waist and a ZZ-Top beard?

Yep and yep. The beard has to long enough so when I jump on the Hawg, the beard parts down the middle with half blowin over each shoulder.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Jan 11^th, 2003, 12:17pm

HEY!!!!!

Is that Tommy Chong or Bob P starting retierment early?

LMMFYBO!!!!!! ;D

http://tinyurl.com/4bzj

................jonny :D

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Linda T on Jan 11^th, 2003, 7:27pm

Yes, I have. Quite seriously too. Funny how suicide seems to make sense when you're living in this completely pain filled world that you're in. I mean, I had thoughts like "my son is better off without me" He's only 5 (4 at the time). What kinda crap is that? Made perfect sense to me in the midst of a kip 10.

Thanks to everyone on this board I never did follow through!

Wishing you all PFDAN always, Linda T

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Ree on Jan 11^th, 2003, 10:02pm

THANK GOD ALL OF YOU ARE HERE TO WRITE ABOUT IT... THANK GOD NONE OF YOU EVER DID IT SO THAT I DIDNT HAVE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING YOU... YOUR KIDS STILL HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIVES. YOUR SPOUSES ARE LIVING FREE OF THE GUILT IT CAUSES HAVING TO FACE NOT HAVING YOU IN THEIR LIVES AND NOT HAVING STOPPED IT.

THE DAMAGE THAT SUICIDE LEAVES IN ITS WAKE IS IMMENSE... DONT EVER DO IT... CONSIDER MAYBE... BUT SUCCEED AND YOU LOSE... NOW LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT...
LOVE YOU ALL WHOEVER... WHEREVER, AND HOWEVER YOU DEAL WITH THIS... REE

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Frank on Jan 12^th, 2003, 1:53am

I know one guy from my brain injury support group who can't get it right. Actually his wife just tells what he's up to. First time he decided to shoot himself in the head he went blind. Next time he used a shotgun to the chest... lost a lung, his spleen, part of his liver, and a few feet of intestines. The third time, he lost most of his teeth and is now a quadraplegic and is two cans short of a six-pack. Now he still hates himself (and his wife too... because all of his problems are her fault) but at least he is in no condition to shoot himself again... though at this point he'd probably be better off :(

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by CHILDINSIDE on Mar 1^st, 2003, 3:43pm

:'( :-X
dear jonny,
i would be less than honest if i said that i never thought about suicide. God saved me from 7 years of incest, 4 misscarriages, loss of husband (my best friend, and love of my life still) to death at work, loss of ALL finacial assest, 3 bad car wrecks in a 3 year time frame, and my second child never seeing his father before he died.
this board, and God are my saviors for this chronic ch. my neuro has not found a preventative, or abortive method that works for me. sometimes i have 30 attacks a day. when i found this sight i was near giving up. i could not take the pain any more.
this site, and God gave me and umbrella to shield me from the rain.
thank you ALL
melissa

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Mar 1^st, 2003, 4:10pm

on 03/01/03 at 15:43:15, CHILDINSIDE wrote:

sometimes i have 30 attacks a day.

You sure you got CH?

30 attacks a day?

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Anyone else got something to add to 30 attacks a day?

.............................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jimash on Mar 1^st, 2003, 8:01pm

Yes I've considered it.
But having lived through someone else's suicide, I wouldn't do it because it hurts everyone else so much. It is an awful thing to do even if only one person cares about you.
Jim

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Mar 1^st, 2003, 8:39pm

on 03/01/03 at 20:01:45, jimash wrote:

Jim,

That is the ONLY and best answer in this thread.

Thank you, Bro!!!

...........................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Charlie on Mar 1^st, 2003, 10:12pm

You clowns are right.

Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. It hurts no one but the family. I know--have had two so far. I thought of it for about two minutes.

Charlie

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by CHILDINSIDE on Mar 2^nd, 2003, 1:17am

:-X YES JONNY, I AM SURE IT IS CCH. I HAVE QUESTIONED IT MYSELF MANY TIMES. THE NEURO DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAN WHY THE SEVERITY. I DON'T DRINK IN A CYCLE. BUT I LIVE WITH THIS DAILY. I FINISHED MY CYCLE YESTERDAY (I PRAY TO GOD) THIS WAS THE WORST ONE YET. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN LEAVE MY HOUSE. MY FAMILY, AND BELIEF GIVES ME STRENGTH. BUT, I HAVE TO HONESTLY SAY THAT I AM WEARING THIN. MY CHILDREN SEE ME. EVEN IF I GO AND HIDE, THEY STILL KNOW. I HAVE FAITH, BUT I AM TIRED OF CONSTANT PAIN, AND NOTHING WORKING. I WOULD NEVER HURT MYSELF, MY CHILDREN NEED ME, EVEN IF I CAN'T GIVE AS MUCH AS I WANT. MY CHILDREN ARE MY WORLD, AND I AM THEIRS.

MELISSA

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by K. on Mar 2^nd, 2003, 2:11am

I've thought about it...especially when the pain gets so bad. Before I knew what the hell was wrong with me and I had no medication...I was desparate to do anything to get rid of the pain. I always read that CH attacks are short in duration...not mine. I always used to say it's nothing a bullet wouldn't cure. Then, last year one of my very best friends committed suicide..today is his birthday and on March 10th it will be a year since he died. It devastated me. He was a huge part of my life and I miss him everyday. So if the thought of suicide creeps into my head, and it does from time to time, I remember how terribly hard it is on the people who love you.

Karen

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Mar 2^nd, 2003, 2:28am

Im sorry about your friend, Karen......I hope we can fill the void just alittle.

...............................................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by juvy on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 6:55am

I would have to say yes. I've got CPH and last August was the worst. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks the pain was so bad. This was before i was diagnosed. The Dr. was just going through his medical book prescribing pills and none of them worked. I was frustrated, in pain, and really depressed because my life no longer seemed like it was mine. but as i was going through my cabinet, trying to decide which pills to take with my Crown Royal, I remembered how much it hurt me when my closest brother tried to kill himself. We're practically twins. I couldn't put him through that pain. I loved him too much. So instead i curled up on the floor in the kitchen and cried until my fiance came home. He took one look at me and vowed we would get through it together come hell or high water. Somehow we did.

Cheers,
Juvy aka Juvember

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by TomM on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 8:41am

I think about it every frigggin time I get hit w/ a kip 10 and considering I'm in mid cycle that's about 3 times a day right now.

But reading this thread brings a few things to mind.
1) It is selfish.
2) It pains everyone you know to no end.
3) It is terminal.

Lately, I've called my dad and reached out for help but he does not 'Get it'. So I called my best friend and told him and thank God he understands. I also let my spousal unit know I'm hurting and suicidal and asked her to keep checking on me frequently, which she has done. Thank God for her!

This thread has helped me tremendously and I thank all those who responded. You made me realize that life is very precious.

One last point to Bob and jonny---don't forget to add small farm animals...never mind. Be sure to give me an address so I can show up and hang out, too. I love Pink Floyd!

TomM

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by cootie on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 9:51am

Wow yeah 30 attacks a day........geeze.....that'd be an insurence nitemare ! Is that even possible............Pam

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Hank on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 12:05pm

Ya, thought about it when I've been way on the right side of the KIP. I only own one firearm, a .22 rifle given to me as a kid. Don't have any ammo so, short of clubbing myself to death with it, its not much a risk factor. Thought I might climb on my bike and ride helmetless to an overpass about 10 miles away, throttle up to about 87mph and hit the concrete part. Pretty bad plan cause there is no way in the middle of the cluster I could even start the bike and the CH would probably be over by the time I got to the overpass. So, what's the use of that?

I'll try to hang around, but I don't think I can choose for anybody else.

Hank

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Hank on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 12:07pm

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by CHILDINSIDE on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 3:41pm

:o well, i do not have insurance, and nothing works anyway. so i have learned to deal (not live with) with until i found something that works. if i decide to live with it, then i have resigned my self to IT forever. God, my family, and this board are my biggest supporters.
melissa ;) :) ;D :D

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by fubar on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 4:10pm

The really sad thing, here in California anyway, is you can't even discuss these feelings with your own doctor. If you are feeling suicidal, or you even use language that might indicate that you are suicidal, they are mandated by law to contact the 'authorities' and have you locked up in a mental ward. Even if you have 'an understanding' with your doctor, they have faced so much litigation from upset family members (who win, btw) that they have to cover their ass.

This makes being honest with your doctor very difficult.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Hank on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 4:35pm

fubar hit upon a truth. There really is nobody to talk to about this topic. I recall recently talking with my wife about what CH is like from the inside...she telling me some of what it was like from the outside. At one point I was about to mention having a few t imes thought about the big 'S'. At that point the topic changed. She headed off in another direction so fast it stopped me in my tracks. She knew where the conversation was going and clearly didn't want to hear. And now that I think about it, if the CH-in vs CH-out roles were reversed, I don't know if I would want to know, either. In our particular relationship, talking about it might make me feel better, but be terrible for my wife. Selfish on my part. Least we can talk about it here without freaking each other out.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by jonny on Mar 3^rd, 2003, 4:52pm

on 03/03/03 at 16:35:38, Hank wrote:

Least we can talk about it here without freaking each other out.

Thats why I started this thread, Hank.

If anyone is even thinking about it they should know that they can talk about it here with people that know what they are going through.

.............................jonny

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by thraal on Mar 4^th, 2003, 8:10am

on 03/03/03 at 08:41:33, TomM wrote:

I think about it every frigggin time I get hit w/ a kip 10 and considering I'm in mid cycle that's about 3 times a day right now.

hi tom,

that's exactly were i am right now as well - it sucks

and yes i think about suicide each kip10 attack, but only during the attacks

lots of strength!

love from belgium,
t.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by clavers on Mar 4^th, 2003, 9:03am

I was episodic for 13 years and have been chronic for the past 6. I feel that I am being gradually worn down. Oxygen and imitrex still work but not as good as they used to. I often think that I can't go on like this any more and that the sweet release of death would stop the pain. I live far out in the country and used to keep a loaded gun in my bedroom. I would not dream of doing than any more, there are too many times at night that I might use it. I think about suicide every day. Whether or not I would actually do it, I don't know, but I am being worn down.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by TomM on Mar 4^th, 2003, 9:24am

Thanx, Thraal. It's been 42 hours w/o an attack! I hope I did not jinx myself. ;)

TomM

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by Hank on Mar 4^th, 2003, 1:57pm

Clavers, like you I went chronic quite sometime back. I got rid of the ammunition. Think about ending it only now and then when it gets really bad. I think the one thing that has made it bearable is that I came to the understanding we all have, that docs are not created equal. Neurologists are not created equal. I was lucky to find someone who has done the research, published the studies and written the books. For me that was Joel Saper at the Michigan Head Pain Institute in Ann Arbor, MI. Not trying to boost his business, but I really believe that if I hadn't found him I might not have done as well as I have. I don't know who you are seeing, but if things aren't working and the current person has no better plans, maybe a workup at one of the centers (Diamond, Saper or others) might give you some new options. With a the right management perhaps things could be better. I'm probably not telling you anything you don't know, just some thoughts. I do hope that you find a way through this soon. Keep the faith.

Hank

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by shipo on Mar 5^th, 2003, 12:46am

Tried and failed once in '75 not CH related, i'm at the stage now where i'd do it again in the blink of an eye.
I have 2 reasons why i wouldn't though:
1. Both my parents are still living and i would never put them through the pain.
2. I believe we chart our lives before coming to this shithole and suicide is akin to breaking the contract. Your returned back here to do it all fucking over again until you get it right!!!! Now wouldn't that be fun...NO WAY... i'm waiting till my time is up and i aint friggin coming back.....EVER.....

PFDAN shipo (paul)

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by parrothead on Mar 5^th, 2003, 1:16am

Thank God and Family-

I've only had brief, fleeting thoughts of suicide.
And only since these f*****g headaches started
two years and 2 months ago, and prior to finding a
Neuro who knew what was going on and how treat it.

Parrothead-Mark

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by moosemedic on Mar 6^th, 2003, 11:06pm

sure ive thought about it. pretty much every time the beast comes to visit.but after 9yrs working ems and seeing the end result of a suicide first hand ,i realise i dont have the testicular fortitude to do that to myself.besides , thats the easy way out.i like challenge and what better challenge than living with the beast moose medic

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by das on Mar 7^th, 2003, 8:42am

During the 80s I thought about it all the time. I mean, there was no escape from all that awful music. Milli Vanilli, Poison.... It was relentless...

Ok seriously... before I found the neuro that was able to treat me properly, I did once think about it, albeit very breiflyand not seriously. At the time, I was chronic and went through a 4-5 month period with at least one 10 every day.

Now, I would never consider it. I am stronger than the beast.. I control it! I stay positive, accept my fate, keep a tank of O2 and some shrooms nearby and keep a smile on my face. It is not my fault for getting CH, I can take the pain and I don't expect people to sympathize, empathize or even care at all.

Besides, would it be fair to take our own suffering and dump it into the laps of the people who care for us? If you answered yes... you need help.. BIG FREAKIN TIME. Suicide is like murder. In both cases you make other people suffer because of an act you commited.. That ain't cool my friends.

Title: Re: Ever consider suicide?
Post by farmboy on Mar 10^th, 2003, 2:41am

Well the thought has crossed my mind. When you are getting a headache every 2.5 to 3 hours for 2 days without any let up and no sleep after you have been dealing with them for 4 weeks and you know this is the middle of the episode. It sure dose enter into your mind. As for me though i always think that as soon as this episode is over i know good times are going to be here again.