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        Daily Chat >> General Posts >> A favor to ask.
        
(Message started by: Redd on Apr 24th, 2008, 10:38pm)
Title: A favor to ask.
Post by Redd on Apr 24th, 2008, 10:38pm
There is a group of assistants that work their asses off to make sure everything goes smooth between the sale and the final proof of an ad long after we go home for the night.

We send jokes back and forth to keep the morale up during the stressful times.  So if anyone has any really good office safe jokes (and even some not so good ones) please keep posting to this thead when you find something.  

I've borrowed a number of the things from the jokes board, but have exhausted the office safe ones and that board has been kinda slow lately.

I thank you in advance for helping me to make a day a bit brighter for a very hard working team of assistants who make it possible for us sales staffers to bring in the bucks.

Thanks guys.
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by AussieBrian on Apr 25th, 2008, 1:34am
Did you hear the one about the office manager who

An advertising exec and the cleaning lady were in the closet and

Three blond temps were discussing their cross-dressing uncles when

The CEO, not realising his wives were

The accountant's juggling act at the Xmas party went horribly wrong after

I'll be back, darlin'.  Just need more time.

And beer.

B.
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by mummymac on Apr 25th, 2008, 3:55pm
Things You Don't See Every Day


http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/111.jpg?t=1209152700

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/1111.jpg?t=1209152732

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/11111.jpg?t=1209152758

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/222.jpg?t=1209152792

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/2222.jpg?t=1209152819


http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/333.jpg?t=1209152886

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/3333.jpg?t=1209152919

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/33333.jpg?t=1209152942

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/4444.jpg?t=1209152969

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/44444.jpg?t=1209152998

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/555.jpg?t=1209153020

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/6666.jpg?t=1209153043[img]

[img]http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/777.jpg?t=1209153064

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/7777.jpg?t=1209153108

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/77777.jpg?t=1209153146

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/8888.jpg?t=1209153175

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/88888.jpg?t=1209153202
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by mummymac on Apr 25th, 2008, 4:15pm
Want to join me for lunch???


First - take the tram up to the start of the trail.

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/aaa.jpg?t=1209154062

Now follow the path .

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/bbbbbbb.jpg?t=1209154134

Be sure to hold on to the 'railing'

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/ccc.jpg?t=1209154176


Keep an eye on the person in front of you.


http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/d.jpg?t=1209154218


Be very careful when passing someone going in the opposite direction.

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/ee.jpg?t=1209154245



Now just up a few steps. (they are on the left in the picture)

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/ff.jpg?t=1209154272


Gets a little steeper here - so put your toes in the holes .

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/hh.jpg?t=1209154317


A few more steps to go .

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/iii.jpg?t=1209154358



Finally in sight.

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn90/mummymac2/jjj.jpg?t=1209154396






'THE RESTAURANT' !!!

This restaurant is in China
If you manage to reach the restaurant the food is free


Let me know how the food is. I'm not going.

 

 
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:27pm
People should read what they write to councils prior to sending their letters.  These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK………

 

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back-fired and burnt my knob off.
 

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.  I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.


My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

 
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.  My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.  We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.


I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

 
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.


The toilet is blocked and we still cannot bath the children until it is cleared.  Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 
Would you please send a man to repair my spout.  I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.


I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his thingy wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.


The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 
Our kitchen floor is damp.  We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.


I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

 
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.  I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

 
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
 

He has this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.


Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:30pm
German Lesson for pilots  

Aircraft:  
der fliegenwagon  

Light aircraft:  
der kleinen fliegenwagon  

Helicopter:  
der schwingen fliegenwagon  

Crop dusting aircraft:  
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der poo pauder auder  

Propeller:  
der airfloggenfann  

APU/GTC:  
Der airfloggenfann flinger  

Passenger jet:  
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof  
das airfloggenfann  

Cyclic:  
der pushenpullen schtik  

Anti-torque pedals:  
der tailschwingen werks  

Pilot:  
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker  

Student pilot:  
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen  

Instructor:  
Mein fliegenführer.  

CFI:  
Uber fliegenführer.  

Air traffic controller:  
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen al der dumbskoffs fliegen  

Ground Studies:  
Das headschratchen bukwerken  

Link Trainer/Simulator:  
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen  

Visual flying:  
lookenoutenseein fliegen  

Instrument flying:  
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen  

Forced landing:  
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen  

Parachute jump:  
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon  

Weather radar:  
das electroniken stormengerschniffer  

Bird Strike:  
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen  



* edit fer der dumkoffen schpelinn
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:36pm
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:44pm
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve  grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
 
 
 

Petey was a snake, only sooo big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother.
One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit. If you must hiss, go outside the pit and hiss."
Petey went outside the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around, when he finally leaned over a little and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in the pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit."
Mrs. Pott's was not at home, but he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott's came home and found Petey hissing in her pit and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit, go to your own pit and hiss."
This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?"
Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but she was not home so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott's came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit, go to your own pit and hiss.""
This made Petey's mother very angry. She said, "Why that mean old lady.
I knew Mrs. Pott's when she didn't have a pit to hiss in!"
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:54pm
UK Humour The following are extracts from daily British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)


2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)


3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was >rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)


5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)


6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


Here is a list of 'actual' announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:  "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by LeLimey on Apr 25th, 2008, 5:57pm
And finally for now - just so duh mannidgemunt can't complain.. a little education for the workforce!

Women will never be equal until there are mediocre women in top jobs

There are two industries in the world that refer to customers as 'users'. One is the IT industry. The other is the illegal drugs industry.

You should never eat blackberries on the bushes if they are below waist height.

The internet - where men are men, women are men and children are FBI agents

If cheese has its picture taken, what does it say?

Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.

Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, the reverse is true.

Putting the word "Amphetamines" on your CV, regardless of context, is not likely to get you an interview.

In 1994,Los Angeles Police arrested a man for dressing up as the Grim Reaper - complete with scythe - and standing outside the windows of old peoples' homes and staring in.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man HOW to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.

According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.

If you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane and everyone joins in!

The opposite of Progress is Congress

A shark will only attack you when you're wet.

There are twice as many nipples in the world as people
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by Redd on Apr 25th, 2008, 11:39pm
Thanks everyone.  I should have enough  for next week here.  Specially Wednesday, snce I'm taking Thr and Fri off to make a 4 day weekend.  (trust me I need the break)  I'll need bribe the girls for early proofs to leave NO work for others to cover for me.

Thanks again.
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by Linda_Howell on Apr 26th, 2008, 12:15am

  Pegg...you should have enough for the next  MONTH!


  Helen those were great!
Title: Re: A favor to ask.
Post by MinxKittten on Apr 26th, 2008, 1:54am
this is always a good one....

MEXICAN FIRST AID

Luis and  Francisco were having the burrito special at their favorite
cantina, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned to see
this viejita (old lady) a few stools down turning blue from wolfing down
some menudo too fast.

Francisco said to Luis, "What do you say Ese shall we help her?"  Well
Yea said Luis.

Francisco got up and walked over to the viejita and asked,  Can you
briffe (breathe) she shook her head que no. Can you speak?" she shook
her head No..

With that he helped her to her feet. Lifted up her skirt and licked her
butt.  She was so shocked, she coughed up the piece of menudo and began
to breathe with great relief.

Francisco turned to his friend Luis and said,   "Orale ese,  See that
Hind Lick Maneuver works every time."


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