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        Daily Chat >> Funnies and Jokes >> Some Irish Humor
        
(Message started by: JeffB on Feb 27^th, 2008, 1:27pm)

Title: Some Irish Humor
Post by JeffB on Feb 27^th, 2008, 1:27pm

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

I nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*************************************** ***************************************************** **************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,

of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,

"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.

Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by LeLimey on Feb 27^th, 2008, 2:48pm

on 02/27/08 at 13:27:21, JeffB wrote:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

You know - for the life of me I STILL can't understand why Paul says he won't let me have a gun - the inhumanity of it all - I'm only HALF Irish ;)

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Guiseppi on Feb 27^th, 2008, 2:53pm

Be afraid paul...be very very afraid...... ::)

Guiseppi

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by LeLimey on Feb 27^th, 2008, 3:02pm

It's alright Juicy Pee - I'm quite safe! I know NEVER to pointguns at FACES :)

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Paul98 on Feb 27^th, 2008, 3:50pm

on 02/27/08 at 14:48:51, LeLimey wrote:

You know - for the life of me I STILL can't understand why Paul says he won't let me have a gun - the inhumanity of it all - I'm only HALF Irish ;)

Go to your room Helen, no, the other "your" room....the one with the bars on the door and windows. ;;D

-P.

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by LeLimey on Feb 27^th, 2008, 3:56pm

on 02/27/08 at 15:50:52, Paul98 wrote:

Go to your room Helen, no, the other "your" room....the one with the bars on the door and windows. ;;D

-P.

Oh - you mean YOUR room! :P

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Paul98 on Feb 27^th, 2008, 4:04pm

on 02/27/08 at 15:56:26, LeLimey wrote:

Oh - you mean YOUR room! :P

Well, if it keeps you out, then I guess it could become my room ;)

-P.

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by LeLimey on Feb 27^th, 2008, 4:13pm

Oh I see how it is!

Suits me big boy, I'll stay here in the land of bugger-all snow then shall I?! :P

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Paul98 on Feb 27^th, 2008, 4:24pm

on 02/27/08 at 16:13:39, LeLimey wrote:

Oh I see how it is!

Suits me big boy, I'll stay here in the land of bugger-all snow then shall I?! :P

Antarticia?

-P.

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Linda_Howell on Feb 27^th, 2008, 10:12pm

How about this you two:

Y'all come to California for a while. I'll straighten your a$$es out right quick. You can each have a private room until you agree to play nice. At that point I'll take you to all parts of California that are beautiful and without snow. But only if you promise to behave.

I'll show you the Giant Redwood forest, the Pacific Ocean, and San Fransisco bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After that Jeff, who seems to always show up, duck his very small head inside, post once and then leave, will show you around Alcatrez. ;;D

Sound like a plan?

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by sandie99 on Feb 28^th, 2008, 9:26am

;;D ;;D ;;D

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Paul98 on Feb 28^th, 2008, 10:05am

on 02/27/08 at 22:12:43, Linda_Howell wrote:

How about this you two:

Y'all come to California for a while. I'll straighten your a$$es out right quick. You can each have a private room until you agree to play nice. At that point I'll take you to all parts of California that are beautiful and without snow. But only if you promise to behave.

I'll show you the Giant Redwood forest, the Pacific Ocean, and San Fransisco bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After that Jeff, who seems to always show up, duck his very small head inside, post once and then leave, will show you around Alcatrez. ;;D

Sound like a plan?

OK!

Hey, wait a minute. That place has bars for doors and windows.....I smell a trap! ;)

-P.

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by LeLimey on Feb 28^th, 2008, 1:59pm

on 02/28/08 at 10:05:03, Paul98 wrote:

.....I smell a trap! ;)

-P.

Nope - its your feet stinkyboy! ::)

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Paul98 on Feb 28^th, 2008, 2:37pm

on 02/28/08 at 13:59:02, LeLimey wrote:

Nope - its your feet stinkyboy! ::)

Au contraire, it is your fetted breath :-*

-P.

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by JeffB on Feb 29^th, 2008, 12:54pm

on 02/27/08 at 22:12:43, Linda_Howell wrote:

Small head!!!!!!

You know what they say.....small hands, small gloves. :P

Title: Re: Some Irish Humor
Post by Linda_Howell on Feb 29^th, 2008, 1:59pm

and what I say... is that you better bloody well stick around here longer than a few mins. before you're off and running again. >:(

Please Jeff. We all miss you.