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Title: Relationship Post by LasVegas on Nov 3rd, 2003, 9:47am Well, i'm sure many of us here have had relationship problems as a result of one or more aspects of CH's. My fiance, who I live with her and her daughter, has been VERY supportive with me during mid-September up until present. 6 or 8 weeks is a long time for multiple CH's daily, pharmacy trips, ER trips, scheduling efforts and frustration with general doctors/neurologists/pain mgmt/oxygen suppliers/HMO's, etc. The pain and suffering which she really can't do much for, except try to educate herself on CH's and to know when I need to be left alone must be tough for her. This is the only cycle I have had in the 2 years we have been together. Last night, we had a discussion about "pet peeves" to communicate a hopeful improved relationship. One of my bigest pet peeves was that she needs to be more responsible for cleaning up after herself and her daughter, helping with cooking more, stuff around the house. I have been doing most of it the past two months as she recently started a heavy work schedule and is gone quite often. I have no interest in looking at her mess or her daughters, so I will clean it, organize it, etc., along with be responsible for myself, only because I am "compulsive neat freak." Ever see "as Good as it gets" with Jack Nicholson, I relate but not that compulsive. So, I brought all of this to her attention last night and she said she appreciated me "picking up the slack, but it's not like you have worked in the past couple months." I'm a Realtor and have flexibility of my own hours. So fortunately, the CH's did not affect an employer, like CH's have MANY times in the past. I explained to her that I feel like "Mr. Mom", cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc and I don't have time for it anymore as I haven't worked real estate in almost two months. My normal work schedule I create for real estate is 12 hour days, six sometimes seven days per week, then take off a few days after I get a good deal. So because she doesn't hear or see real estate productivity, she assumes I haven't worked. I have worked, but on a bunch of non-real estate matters such as neglected home repairs, landscaping, swimming pool and equipment, running errands, training a puppy, babysitting her daughter while she is at work three nights a week, and maybe 10 hours a week in real estate. But, because I don't work full-time in real esate, she feels as if I am not working. Well, that discussion was ended when I explained the time involved doing all of the other stuff and the hundred or so things I have accomplished. I am not and have never been one to just sit around. Then it really hit discussion, when my "supporter" fiance included all of the many hours a day that I am researching this and related websites. Explained to her that I needed to educate myself as the doctors don't have a clue. She does have a point, as I have posted over 100 times since Mid-September, plus all of the reading, research and printing. She told me, you now know what it is about, you have an o2 tank in the bedroom, you have Imitrex, Prednisone and Verapamil and the cycle broke two weeks ago and that there is no cure, so just make the best of it and now that you are educated and stocked up on abortives and preventatives, sell real estate. UGGGHH!!! I pretty much told her to go F herself and after sleeping on it last night determined that we are going to hire a maid and a babysitter, and I am going back to work. Will be around from time to time, this site is truly addictive and will have to "taper" from it, but will check in from time to time. I hope I have offered some helpful advice and info for those in need and I certainly am grateful for the advice and info all of you have given me. Feel free to email me as I may not check this board too often anymore, and for those in Las Vegas, I will still be in contact for our next meeting if there is interest. Whether I agree with all that my fiance said or not, I do have to get back to my busy real estate life and keep the bills paid and provide a nice Christmas and New Year, plus I truly do have a passion for my job. Take care and PFDAN to all. Gregg in Las Vegas |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Margi on Nov 3rd, 2003, 10:38am Gregg, please read my reply to your post on the Supporters' board. (I'm too lazy to type it all out again ;)) |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Prense on Nov 3rd, 2003, 7:01pm on 11/03/03 at 09:47:48, LasVegas wrote:
I understand where you are coming from, and family is much more important than just about anything else. However, this site did not become what it is from folks researching what they need then leaving... Personally, there is nothing else this site can offer me in the medical field short of what folks are experimenting with daily and support from fellow sufferers and their supporters. I, for one, will return the favor. Chris |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by jonny on Nov 3rd, 2003, 7:06pm ROCK ON, CHRIS!!!!!! ....................................jonny |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Tiannia on Nov 3rd, 2003, 7:23pm Greg - I understand where this is coming from. But the support that i get from this board is above and beyond what my husband can give me. He can be there for me, he can sit with my while I am slammin my head in to the wall, be can lay next to me in bed rubbing my back while i am crying, but he can never say. "I've been there". And even though I have never personally met anyone here face to face, I feel closer to them then many "friends" that I have had in my life. I know that I am not here every day, but I do my best to make sure that I do read everything, that I try and vioce my opinion, even if it is simply to say "sending vibes your way". I can understand your fiance getting upset, but this is part of your life and repressing it and pretending that it is not there because your cylce ended 2 weeks agao, will not help you and it definatly will not help when the beast comes knocking again. I also understand that you want to make her happy. But there is more to learn and understand then what you have learned so far. Greg you have a great heart. By working so hard to put together a meeting for the people in Vegas, you showed that. And while this board should not run your life, I have found that it helps me get throught it every day. And even on PF days I come here to know that when I need it, someone will be there for me. Blessed Be, Tia |
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Title: yikes Post by rumplestiltskin on Nov 3rd, 2003, 8:28pm Please ....first note my lil phrase about "takin what ya need...and yada yada yada" Messy fiance?....tell her to "RUN FOR HER LIFE!" I am a slob. It's no fun trying to be something else....someone else...for someone else. I tried for years. It's just plain miserable. I'm now married to a clusterhead slob and like it just fine thank you. That will be 5 cents please Good Grief Den |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by tsayswhy on Nov 3rd, 2003, 9:13pm I understand what you are going through but man life is tough and you say you are going to leave but you dont realize you had the need to tell us about your life and what was going on so you see you need this board for support not just for C/H. I had the same problem trying to research what was going on with me and my house was falling apart, but the house work was not getting done because i sent so much time on the computer talking with you guys. and you know what "dishes are in the sink laundry needs to be done kids need to be put in bed but i am here on the computer woundering if anyone here needs my help! [smiley=hug.gif] as far as you being a need freak raising kids,job, and cluster for get it let up on yourself. babysitting her daughter-she's the daughter your both gonna be raising so its not like you are babysitting Your busy real estate life if you are working 12 hours who does the laundry cooking cleaning and looking after the little one mrs mom. not coming down on you just something to think about it takes two and maybe you should bring you fiance to this board so that she can try to understand what you are going though if she here's it from all of us what its like she maybe more understanding. PF LasVagas |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by debbie4278 on Nov 3rd, 2003, 9:33pm Gregg, I am sorry you are having a struggle. Funny for me. I am the female and my husband thinks I do nothing since I quit working. He works hard and alot of OT, but does nothing at home with the kids, cleaning, shopping etc. And he doesn't see the things I accomplish either. And I never just sit around. His laptop rarely leaves his lap when he is home, but if I get on to check my emails or the board, I am on the computer all day according to him. Where is the happy medium?? Is there one?? He also doesn't understand that when I am not being hit with a CH, why I can't get everything done. If I don't have a headache, I should be fine, right? Whatever. Gregg, don't leave the board. Just take it one day at a time. Hiring help is one way if you can afford it. We all need help. But you can't pay for the kind of help you will get here on the board. Don't give up. Deb |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by TxBasslady on Nov 4th, 2003, 12:08am Well, I have to side with Chris........... I came here for answers and support, and found friends that will literally do anything for you. I cannot and will not abandon the love and friendship I found here. It will just NEVER happen. My husband is a great supporter for me......but the real support has come from folks here. He has never had a CH, therefore cannot understand the pain. But my great friends here have. I appreciate them more than I could ever put in words. My 55 pf days are the result of some good advice from a great supporter. No way can I walk away. Jean |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by nancyc on Nov 4th, 2003, 12:16am Greg, you were so fired up over your Vegas gathering just the other day...now this??? I have to agree with just about everything that was said...especially with Den...it is hard being someone else for someone else...been there, done that my self....no thanks....There has to be a happy medium here...maybe you two need to talk again..but this time, you need to share with her, YOUR needs...and One of them is to stay in Clusterville where you are needed and where you need to be...and not just when you are in cycle ...love you, bro..and hope things work out..we need more people like you that can organize things for the sake of us clusterheads... ;;Dnancyc PS know every word said to you in these post are said out of love too! |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by taraann on Nov 4th, 2003, 1:03am Ok all I gotta say is family comes first.....family at home that is then the net family comes second....sorry guys I LOVE everyone here and I LOVE the support and Info and I LOVE supporting others when I can. But if too much time on the PC is amajor prob in a relationship then that time needs to be cut down (Im not saying elimintated just cut down) And that's coming from someone that uses this pc as a sanity saver A LOT lately cause I don't get out very often and my life SUCKS lately, when I notice i'm on the pc too much and things are sliding downhill too much here I makesure I take less time at the pc and more on the house and ppl around me here. |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Unsolved on Nov 4th, 2003, 1:27am Relationships .... psssst ... I haven't found a woman who'll "put up with that shit" yet (CH) |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by ozzman on Nov 4th, 2003, 2:47pm Gregg, I agree with just about everyone in both content and form. I've been here since early January about mid-cycle. I've met the most incredible people and possibly life-long friends. For a while back when I had a lot of free time I posted a lot. Now I don't have so much free time, but I'm still around. I too have a full time job, with lots of overtime, work around the house (including house work), Director of a local chapter, member of the Bylaws committee, parent of a toddler and a baby and just because, I may be starting to play pickup hockey on Sunday nights. No, I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just pointing out that *everyone* of us is busy with family, work, outside activities, etc. It is also about how you manage your time, there is time for all. Maybe you won't post as much, but you can provide local support. You never know who you might help, or may touch their lives so significantly with a timely post. I believe everyone should volunteer somehow, this *is* my charity, this *is* my volunteer work. My wife understands that and supports me. I understand her non-profit work and I support it. When either one is spending too much time on our respective volunteering and the house/kids are being neglected it is our responsibility(in the relationship's best interest) to let the other one know that it is time to refocus. Time to refocus, not to drop everything. Please consider it. Ozzy |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by sherryberry on Nov 4th, 2003, 8:08pm Balance, in everything or Everything, in moderation AND the 3 keys to a successful marriage: 1) you are best friends 2) you can trust each other completely 3) you each are willing to compromise |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Prense on Nov 4th, 2003, 8:12pm on 11/04/03 at 20:08:45, sherryberry wrote:
What about communication? |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by sherryberry on Nov 4th, 2003, 8:12pm That comes automatically with the 1st two... |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by jonny on Nov 4th, 2003, 8:13pm on 11/04/03 at 20:12:01, Prense wrote:
"Did you hear what I said BITCH!!!...WHACK!!!!" LMAO Hows that? .............................jonny ;;D |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Prense on Nov 4th, 2003, 8:14pm Nothing is automatic, but OK... ;;D |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Linda_Howell on Nov 4th, 2003, 10:01pm Relationship????? What the hell is that? I answer the same when the subject of sleep comes up. What is that? But I'm not bitter...LindaH |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Charlie on Nov 4th, 2003, 11:04pm I had a similar deal here. She and I lived together for 2 years. It was an odd couple relationship. We had a good time but I got tired of being Felix. It just ain't natcherle. Feel free to rant. It's what we're here for and keep your powder dry. Charlie |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by cootie on Nov 4th, 2003, 11:15pm I'm a live in stay at home self employeed slave wife........I ain't complainin.......beats 9 ta 5 and I can set my own hours even tho MY shift "never" ends ! Family here rocks and rules Pam |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by sandie99 on Nov 5th, 2003, 7:54am Hi Gregg, sorry to hear about your struggle. I'm glad you brought the 'relationships'-issue! But I can't say that I'd be supriced, as it has been very hard to explain to others what ch means to one's life. They just don't get it, do they? Before I was diagnosed, my mother thought I was joking about the frequency and the pain of headaches. She knows better now, but everything I have told to my friends have been waste of time, as they don't understand ch. Naturally being single, my situation is easier than yours. I do hope that everything works out for you. Whatever happends, don't give up!!!! :) Best wishes, strength & PFdays, sandie99 p.s. thanks for helping me! :) |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Tiannia on Nov 5th, 2003, 2:02pm on 11/04/03 at 20:13:50, jonny wrote:
That WHACK is him getting hit. RIGHT??? :-* |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by ClstrHeadSupport on Nov 5th, 2003, 2:36pm First of all I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your "supporter" at home. It is understandable that us supporters can get flustered at times, but what I don't understand is why she's getting flustered at something that's obviously helpful to you. I think most of us get frusterated like I said, but it's usually with the feeling that we're helpless. For me it's the opposite, I'm the one who spends countless hours researching all the info I can find on CH. Then since I know my fiancee isn't big on a lot of reading, I go through it and highlight things I think he might find interesting. Heck, I'm not even the one suffering from these things and I'm on this site constantly. On your specific situation the only advice I can offer is that both of you should sit down and think about what it might be like to be the other. Would you feel the same as her if you were in her shoes? Can you relate? And can she understand the same? I think you should tell her that what she said hurt you, about you constantly researching CH. It's obvious to me, even as an outsider, just from your post that what she said bothered you more then anything. Maybe she's the one who needs to come on this site. It sounds like she may have a few things she needs to get off her chest in the supporters corner. Maybe that simple act would help you both. She could better understand what you're going through and you would feel like she cared. I hope I've been of some help. One thing I'll ad before I go, is that she needs to realize that these CH are probably going to continue for a while (let's keep our fingers crossed that they won't but the truth is you never know) and she's going to have to deal with them, and accept them as a part of you if you're the one she is choosing to be with. Good luck. |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by cootie on Nov 5th, 2003, 3:21pm Tiannia....I think the WHACK was jonny hittin em with an oar..........I've been known ta whack a few myself Pam |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by jonny on Nov 5th, 2003, 4:30pm on 11/05/03 at 14:02:56, Tiannia wrote:
Actually, it was my sick humor on communication between couples ;;D.....LMMFAO .........................jonny |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by LasVegas on Nov 5th, 2003, 8:52pm Wow! Two days away and look at the replies. Wow! Never really doubted the empathy, understanding, overall thoughtfulness on this board, but WOW! Thank you all. I have gotten a hell of alot accomplished in the past two days, moreso than in the last three weeks. I will be around, I will volunteer my advice, my time locally to meetings and truly am and always have said that I am grateful for everybody's input when in my time of need. Have to get the 10 yr old from afterschool activity, make her dinner, help her w/ homework, be "Felix", etc. Will be back again soon. Thanks again. Gregg in Las Vegas |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Prense on Nov 5th, 2003, 8:56pm Ecstatic that you are gonna hang around! Pace yourself young grasshoppah... ;;D |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Mark C on Nov 5th, 2003, 9:11pm I have 24 hours a day for life...that cannot be changed. I try....I say try...to prioritize things by their importance. I am Daddy first and always, but I am also a Husband, an employee a neighbor....hell and a few things I ain't willing to share. When I had my surgery I missed posting every 30 minutes or so like I could before I was sick.....but I just do not have enough time to get it ALL done at once....so I let some things cool down a while and work on what is in front of me.....and try to remember what is really important because sometimes I forget. I like being busy.....most of the time! Disagreements between people in relationships are going to happen, I don't care who you are it is human nature to want your own way...and some times I even get it! Don't sweat the small stuff......and it's all small stuff! PFDAN's Mark |
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Title: Re: Relationship Post by Prense on Nov 5th, 2003, 9:46pm on 11/05/03 at 21:11:13, Mark C wrote:
It is?! |
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