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        Cluster Headache Help and Support >> Cluster Headache Specific >> what to tell the kids
        
(Message started by: bassman on Sep 28^th, 2007, 5:43pm)

Title: what to tell the kids
Post by bassman on Sep 28^th, 2007, 5:43pm

I am 28 yo married to a loving wife and have to young kids the oldest is 4 1/2 the youngest is 1. my wife is great and does all see can to help me but my ? is what do i tell the kids when they see me at my worst? the oldest gets a little scared sometimes and telling her daddy has a headache just does not seem to be good enough

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Ray on Sep 28^th, 2007, 6:08pm

It's a great question, I'll try to make a passable answer:

I would tell the kids something like: I get some really bad headaches, they last for a while and then I'll be ok. Say that they hurt really bad and I need to do a few things for myself for a while. Reassure them that you'll be ok when you're done.

Ray

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Guiseppi on Sep 28^th, 2007, 6:39pm

They already KNOW something is going on, my girls are both grown now. I included them in helping daddy. Both could rig a regulator on an e-tank by the time they were ten. They knew to get daddy his ice pack and oxygen, then leave him alone.

It's obviously a very personal, individual choice but I always figured knowledge would help them understand daddy wouldn't die from it, it was always temporary and I wasn't helpless against it. . Obviously I NEVER let them see me past a 5, that'd be a little too real!

Good luck.

Guiseppi

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Linda_Howell on Sep 28^th, 2007, 6:43pm

There is spmewhat of a thread about this on the supporters board.

http://www.clusterheadaches.com/wwwboard/index.html

Linda

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by BMoneeTheMoneeMan on Sep 28^th, 2007, 10:40pm

I rarely let my daughter see me when i get hit. The only times she has is when there was nowhere else for me to go to. I like to have her around, though. Oddly enough, just having her there seems to make it better.

I told my daughter it was a 'beast' in my head. She was about 4 years old, so she didnt know what the hell a 'beast' was. So i told her it was a monster.

She knows what a monster is, and she is scared shitless of them, so she knows it's bad. In my house, the beast is known as the cluster-monster. She is 7 now, and believe me, she could give a lesson on what oxygen is and how to use it!!!

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by MR_FLOOR on Sep 29^th, 2007, 12:43am

Hey Bassman,

It's sad I know,but the kids are resilient,my kids kinda just leave me alone and say daddy has a headache.There so sweat it makes me feel better my little guy rubs my leg and there extra good when they see me suffering.I guess it's there way of trying to make me feel better.

Dave

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Wayne on Sep 29^th, 2007, 4:03am

Hi Bassman

It's tough when they're so small and I guess that you have a huge urge to protect them. My youngest was 9 when these things hit me, I just took the really honest tack with all of them, explained things as I learned etc. Made sure that they knew I loved them but that sometimes I just needed to be alone.
Not sure how I would have handled it if they'd been really tiny though.

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by BarbaraD on Sep 29^th, 2007, 4:41am

My little Caleb is almost six now and has been watching Granny suffer all his life. His Papaw explained to him that when Granny gets a headache we "don't touch" her until it passes and that she has to have O2, but that she'll be ok when it passes.

Now when he sees Granny tugging on her ear (first sign) he runs for the O2 set up and starts yelling, "Breathe Granny Breathe". He gets ice packs and then stays back. When the HA passes, he gives Granny Lots of hugs. He also explains it to the dogs. He's become my best supporter.

Kids are really resilliant - and understand more than we give them credit for.

Hugs BD

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Jobette on Sep 29^th, 2007, 6:53am

Being 4 is such a tender age, yet they learn so quickly. To tell her you have a monster in you head may scare her but they understand my head hurts really really bad and I need some quite time. Most of the time (for me all the time) you would rather be by yourself when you get hit, so why scare them, because the "monster scares me and I am 42 yrs old. Reassure her that you love you and let her grown with you in these things and SHE will train the little one. You don't want her to be afraid of you or the headache, or the monster in your head, even though sometimes I am. They understand pain, headache or my head hurts and quite time. As others have said they can also sometimes be very helpful in these times. Good Luck!!! :-* Jobette

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by DennisM1045 on Sep 29^th, 2007, 8:35am

My four youngest are 5 through 10. They all know Dad gets bad headaches. Some of them want to be there to get me an ice pack or hold the hose while I breath. When the attack is subsiding they step up and rub my leg or my back. Letting them help a little reassures them and makes them feel less helpless.

Its really about where a child is emotionally. Some are naturally more empathetic than others. The two that are around the most are 5 and 9. The 6 and 10 y/o tend to head for the hills ;;D So it's not an age thing. They've all been dealing with this since they were born.

Don't think you're hiding anything from them. Kids are smart and they know when something bad is going on. My advice is to give them the opportunity to be involved and then let them decide where the line is.

Good luck...

-Dennis-

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by bassman on Sep 29^th, 2007, 12:52pm

thanks everyone I tend to agree that telling them "a monster" is in my head might be a little much. The thing is I'm torn in the way that I dont want them to see me in that state but at the same time it is a comfort to have them around. The one thing they do know is I will be okay.
thanks again

Brian

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by MR_FLOOR on Sep 29^th, 2007, 10:51pm

on 09/29/07 at 04:41:44, BarbaraD wrote:

Very touching Barb.

Dave

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by George_J on Sep 30^th, 2007, 1:32am

I'm not the best person to answer this question, but I'll respond just to give a slightly different perspective.

I'm episodic, and I almost always get hit at night. I'm also a "hider"--don't like to have anyone around when I'm getting hit--so it was quite easy to keep my daughter from seeing them. She has never seen me get hit, although I have been a clusterhead since long before she was born. She's almost seventeen now.

At some level, she has always known that I get cluster headaches. I've never made a secret of them. She's seen me in the morning, sitting up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, looking like I've been dragged backwards through a knothole. Even though that's not a pretty sight, it's a far cry from seeing the thing itself.

When she was fifteen and I began spending quite a bit of time here, I talked to her about CH at length--mostly because her curiousity was aroused. She's always been empathetic on my "headache" mornings, but I think that because I've finally become more open about them, and because she's chosen to spend some time here (mostly lurking), she's gained a more mature understanding of what they're about, and what we deal with--even if she's never seen an attack.

I don't regret going to great lengths to keep her from seeing an attack. I still don't want her to see one. Whether or not that's the best way to do things, I cannot say. All I can say is that because of my particular pattern of attacks, it was possible to conceal them, and that's what I did.

Was it for me or for her? A little of both, I suppose.

Best,

George

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Rosybabe on Sep 30^th, 2007, 8:21pm

My daughter is five and she has been aware of my headaches I think since she was 2..I told her that Mommy has a booboo in the head and hurts but it will go away in a little while...she gets my ice packs and brings me cold water and a clean t shirt after the pain is gone...she kisses me and tells me that I will be ok...

I really think that in my darkest moments she has been there to remind me there is always light at the end of the tunnel...

She is the reason why I fight the beast with all I can, I won't let it win...she will be there waiting for me when is over :)

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Beastfodder on Oct 1^st, 2007, 5:50pm

You have to explain things gently and never underestimate how well they can take things onboard. Do talk openly and let them ask what they want to know and what they're scared of to put their minds at rest.

Mostly getting hit at night means my boy hasn't seen much of me in a state and that's a good thing. Mind you after a quick 'dance' his love and cuddles are fantastic.

Doubt he'll thank me for passing them on if they're hereditary tho'!

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by southwalessunshine on Oct 3^rd, 2007, 4:49pm

I have 3 kids. The oldest are 14 and 12 and I have explained CH to them honestly. They take over with the youngest when I'm hit bad and they know all about the meds. Theyhave seen me pretty bad but when I cannot cope I go to my room so they don't have to see me like that. They have seen me on the 02 and taking the pills but not the injection, although i always tell thewm if I'm going to take so they can be prepared.
My youngest is 5 yrs old and obviously it's alittle harder to explain. I tell him mummy has a bad headache and needs to go to sleep. He'll then know not to go to my room and go to my daughters or partner if he needs anything. He always kisses my head and gives it a magic rub to make it better. he holds my hand when I'm on the 02, incase I get lonely as he says. he has never seen me with worse than a KIP 5 or 6, I don't think he needs that at his age. If thereis no-one home when I am having a bad time I call a family member to take over or put him in front of a dvd, lock up so he can't answer the door and I go inject upstairs and lay on the bed with my door open. Try not to keep it from them, but trey not to tell or show them too much. It's very difficult to find the line though. Good luck.

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by schaan on Oct 11^th, 2007, 2:12am

Make sure they understand that it will end and that it is not in anyway thier fault.

my 5 (now 10) year old daughter asked my wife during one of my more viscious attacks in my do not enter room ( basement) why papa yelled at her and if it was her fault. Damn i made sure to keep her well informed from that point on.

i still and never will want anyone around me during the worst but i make sure those i scream and yell at get sufficient apologies when its over.

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by aura on Oct 13^th, 2007, 12:37am

Hey I had the same issue. As a single parent of a young child it was hard to explain why mommy has to be alone and quite. I explained that I have bad headaches and need quite time to get better.

Unfortuntily I also give her crap like cookies and tv to apease her while i have headaches. You do what you have to do... [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Broken on Oct 13^th, 2007, 9:40am

Ok parents,you've had a chance. My turn now. Hey there Brian. I'm 15 and my dad has had CH ever since I was about 7. As long as I can remember I've always wanted to know what was going on. If he didn't tell me, I got scared and would try to find out myself (I was a snoop as a kid). Telling them is probably for the best. My little sisters (now 9 and 10) understand that there's nothing to be afraid of but they need to back of when dad's hit. As the oldest of the 3 of us it's easier for me to except it because I've dealt with it the longest. But sometimes it even scares me. If she has questions, answer them to the best you can. If she doesn't want to know, then except that and let her have her space. Shoving something on her at such a young age can just make it worse. I know I wanted to know but not all kids do. April (the 10 year old) would rather read a book and hide than watch. Beth (9) and I would rather be there to help than sit around and do nothing. That's all I've got for you. Just a kids point of view. Hope everything turns out ok. Byes!!!

Broken

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by Guiseppi on Oct 13^th, 2007, 2:04pm

Awesome post Broken, you sound like a kick butt supporter, the wisdom of youth huh? Thanks for being what sounds like an awesome supporter!!

Guiseppi

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by aloneuk on Oct 13^th, 2007, 2:15pm

broken that was very very well put !
my 6yr old is just like your were.

she is now much better that she knows what is going on when dad has his ''magic mask'' on. i used to hide everything from her but would find her sneaking her head round the corner of the door watching in horror.....
now she does what she can to help getting red bulls and ice for me and seems SO much happier to help !

again very well put

ike x

Title: Re: what to tell the kids
Post by andrewjb on Oct 13^th, 2007, 5:22pm

on 10/13/07 at 09:40:50, Broken wrote:

great post. honesty has got to be the best policy. andrew.