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        Cluster Headache Help and Support >> Cluster Headache Specific >> My thoughts
        
(Message started by: bowles96 on Jan 17^th, 2007, 1:24am)

Title: My thoughts
Post by bowles96 on Jan 17^th, 2007, 1:24am

You don't know fear until you're so scared to fall asleep that you remain awake for days, so ehausted you can barely stand the skin on your bones, your eyes as heavy as stones and dry as sand. Yet you stay awake, afraid of what falling asleep will bring.

Because you know laying your head down, closing your eyes and drifting to sleep may awake the beast that haunts your dreams. The beast that dances in your head. As you lay awake you pray that if he plays tonight he does not bring the ice pick or burning knives; but you know, your prayers will go unanswered because the little bastard always brings his little toys with him.

The pain, oh the pain, you ask me to describe it for you. How can I describe what I cannot comprehend, what I wish I would never have to feel again in my life but know that at any given moment without notice it will come back and I did nothing to ask for this.
Who did I piss off?
Why me?
You ask why I can't just take a pill for it.
I ask for your magic pill, I'll try anything, just make it go away.

You wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy, you say. Give me the chance, I've had my share. All my life I've danced with this devil, let someone else have a turn, I'm tired. I don't won't it anymore. I don't won't to be a part of a choosen few, I want to be free.

The minutes keep ticking away and my eyes grow heavy, I hear him, he's waiting for me. Damn it why won't he just go away. Why won't he just leave me alone? Please not tonight, please, I can't, just go away.

No he says, he must go on, he won't leave me alone,
HE DEMANDS MY ATTENTION!

He's getting stronger; he's feeding on my weakness, the bastard I can't stand him. I'm a 35 year old man, six foot tall, and 270 pounds transformed to a whimpering baby after he's through.

You ask for me to explain then look at me that way, no it's not a headache and no it didn't happen to you once. Just a headache you say, just a simple headache, have you tried this? My friend had that once, maybe you should see a new doctor, what did you do to bring it on this time?

Like this is my fault

Maybe you should just leave me alone.

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by AussieBrian on Jan 17^th, 2007, 1:31am

And only another CHead could ever hope to understand.

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by BarbaraD on Jan 17^th, 2007, 5:51am

on 01/17/07 at 01:31:07, AussieBrian wrote:

And only another CHead could ever hope to understand.

Ditto

Hugs BD

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by Guiseppi on Jan 17^th, 2007, 1:46pm

Yeah....what the Aussie said........ouch.

Guiseppi

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by Mattrf on Jan 17^th, 2007, 4:11pm

I feel you, and very well put, it sums up all the frustration and pain, all at once.
I feel for you and for all of us that do the dance with the beast.
Hang tough my friend, hang tough.

Matt

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by Chrisjg23 on Jan 17^th, 2007, 4:45pm

My favorite is when someone states,

"oh, I get those too." or

"yes, my mother has those" or

"it's just a headache, take some advil" or

"take a few shots of tequila!" LIKE THAT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER!

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by Barry_T_Coles on Jan 17^th, 2007, 5:08pm

Yep

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by TonyG1 on Jan 17^th, 2007, 5:20pm

What Brian said... only we chosen few could understand! -- Very well said ! Sums up all the s&%t that goes along with this cursed beast ... >:(

All we can do is pull ourselves and each other up by the bootstraps and continue to fight the good fight !

Wishin you all PFDANs!

Tony

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by Ob1kanobee on Jan 17^th, 2007, 10:07pm

You wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy, you say. Give me the chance, I've had my share.

I said this just the other day to myself, then I said the hell with that, everyone needs to feel this for a week. Maybe then they might understand!

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by miker6565 on Jan 17^th, 2007, 10:16pm

Verry well put........

One, knows not the pain, till they've felt it.....
Till they, feel the damage it does to my family,,,
Scars so deep.......

Hang tough you are not alone.......

Peace always , Mike

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by andrewjb on Jan 17^th, 2007, 10:19pm

:). ditto the aussie. chin up, hope it changes back soon. andrew.

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by UN solved on Jan 17^th, 2007, 10:40pm

Wow ! Only a real clusterhead could've written that.

I feel your pain. You're not alone.

PF Wishes,
UNsolved

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by thebbz on Jan 18^th, 2007, 8:38pm

Yep..one step ahead of the demon.
Hang tough
jb

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by sailpappy on Jan 19^th, 2007, 3:27am

Nice post, however, I think if you read the Guestbook your going to find its not too original, reads like many,many post from there. I think most of us feel as if we could have written the same post, Personally I know I have many times before.
It's the very reason I am here now at 3:30am. 4 hits since 11:30pm and I am afraid to try for more sleep!
Pappy

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by BarbaraD on Jan 19^th, 2007, 4:41am

Hey Pappy, I'm up too -- want a cup of coffee...

Hugs BD

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by sailpappy on Jan 19^th, 2007, 5:33am

;;D ;;D Sent you a PM Sweety! Pappy ::) ::)

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by LadyElaine1 on Jan 19^th, 2007, 8:29am

WOW Thats a Great post ! Sorry anyone of us has to hurt so bad.

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by kcopelin on Jan 19^th, 2007, 9:25am

Thanks-an eloquent post=was thinking the other day-used to say I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Now I've a mind to wish that at least some of my family and medical care providers could feel the pain just once.
Not for a long time, not every day, just one short hit. Might change some of the condescending attitudes and really stupid unsolicited advice.
PFDAN y'all
kathy

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by TonyG1 on Jan 19^th, 2007, 5:15pm

on 01/19/07 at 09:25:48, kcopelin wrote:

Now I've a mind to wish that at least some of my family and medical care providers could feel the pain just once. Not for a long time, not every day, just one short hit.
kathy

Maybe if they had just one, two hour long Kip - 8 bordering a 9... followed by day long shadows .... [smiley=sgrin.gif] (You know the ones that are almost impossible to abort) I think many attitudes would change in a quick hurry !!!

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by bowles96 on Jan 19^th, 2007, 10:51pm

Thanks for the understanding, I was having a rough time when I posted my thoughts, I guess I'm tired of the stares and the explaining and wanted to vent some how. Its been a rough go the last few weeks, diesel fuel is my biggest trigger and I work at a civic center and our last 2 events have been dirt events with a rodeo and monster trucks so alot of dump trucks and bulldozers etc. To be honest I didn't know alot about the pain in my head before finding this site a few months back, I just know it hurts and I've always had it and the older I got the more frequent they came. My doc, I love him to death, has been learning with me so it's been alot of trial and error. I use to think I could handle this and work through it, and for the most part I have, I still somehow put in my 50 to 60 hours a week when needed but I be damned when I'm late for fighting the beast for most of the night. You really come to know who cares and who your friends are when you battling for a couple of weeks straight. Anyway to keep from rambling, I just wanted to say Thank You, to everyone that's posted, everyone thats taught me a few things.

P.B.

Title: Re: My thoughts
Post by ghostwriter on Jan 20^th, 2007, 5:44am

Post deleted by poster.