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        New Message Board Archives >> 2006-2007 Getting to Know Ya Posts >> Re: I am the reason for his CH
        
(Message started by: AussieBrian on Apr 17^th, 2006, 4:01am)

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by AussieBrian on Apr 17^th, 2006, 4:01am

You couldn't cause it even if you wanted to.

Also, please understand that many CHeads get irritable during a cycle (no excuse, I know) so maybe he's just letting off steam. If he'd like to talk to other sufferers he's always welcome to come here or if he prefers to keep it private he can PM anytime or email me.

On the top right of your screen it says, "Hey, Sevim. You have x messages, y are new". Click on the word messages then when you see my name click on 'subject'.

By the way, your communication skills are fine by me.

Kindest regards,

Another Aussie.

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Dragnlance on Apr 17^th, 2006, 9:33am

Sevim,

Sorry to hear about your pain as a supporter. You have a difficult job.

CH is basically a malfunction of a part of the brain called the Hypothalamus. We joke about it here, that we are brain damaged. No person can cause this on another.

Many things can trigger an "attack", and for some, Stress can do just that.

I am a chronic, and have been all my life. While I can be "grumpy" during, or just after a hit, I always apologize to my wife, in case I said something to hurt her feelings.

My suggestion is to sit down and try to talk, a good long heart to heart. Show your husband this site, and have him read what is here.

We are a support group, and we are here for you and your husband. CH is hell, and it affects all people in the family, not just the sufferer.

Good luck, and feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.

Dragnlance

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Charlotte on Apr 17^th, 2006, 3:21pm

No, Sevim. I do not blame my spouse. I have had ch as long as I can remember, even before I knew what it was.

Sometimes people blame others for their problems. The problems would probably still be there if they had no one to blame. Trying to help does sometimes cause more stress and Margi recommends stepping back but making sure what he needs is available if he needs it.

Marriage is very hard in the first place. If you love him, I hope you can work it out. If he is willing to work on it, I hope you can forgive him.

It is not good to have someone blame you for their pain. That is a two way street, since there are two in a marriage.

Good luck.

Charlotte

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by TxBasslady on Apr 17^th, 2006, 5:05pm

Well, since the Hypothalamus is to blame for CH, I hardly see how it can be your fault.

Bless your heart....it must be terrible to be blamed for someone's pain.

Sometimes the pain takes over and I suppose it could be easy to try and point blame. Rest assured that you are not at fault.

We have a Supporter's Corner....you might enjoy reading the posts there. It will help you to understand what other supporters go thru.

Keep in touch...let us know how things are going.

Jean

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Richr8 on Apr 17^th, 2006, 6:43pm

Hey Sevim,

I'm sorry you are havng such a tough time. Anyone that has spent any time here knows better than to blame CH on anything but a defective Hypothalmus. The role of a supporter could not be any tougher than when the sufferer incorrectly blames the illness on the very person who supports them. I agree with Brian that you should lead your sufferer here, so that he/she can gain knlowledge and insght into what this horrible illness is and is not. Anyway, please continue to tap in for information. I am sure you will find the supporters page particularly useful once you have led your sufferer here.

all the best,

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Svenn on Apr 18^th, 2006, 5:10am

Why do i smile a bit on threads like this.The first words that get to me is "NOT NOW DARLING,I HAVE A MIGRAINE"
Sounds familiar? ;;D ;;D ;;D

Jokes aside sevim

Lissen to the good advice you have here.I can only repeat what everybody have already told you

Show your husband the answers you got,specially the one from "TxBasslady"

You have also a good contact in "AussieBrian"He is a bit crazy as the rest of us,but a good soul

Svenn

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Mattrf on Apr 26^th, 2006, 5:40pm

My wife blamed herself for my CH, she thought it was also stress related and that she and her kids where the cause of my CH. I tried to convince her that it was not her fault but at the time I had not found this site and was not sure that it was not indeed caused by stress and she and the kids where the only thing I could think of that I would be stressed over.
Finding the site I think may have saved my marriage and at a minimum saved mine and mi wives sanity. She no longer blames herself and I no longer wonder and it was the best thing to learn that the person I love the most had absolutely nothing to do with my CH.
We both understand the beast now and are having a bit of an easier time, still not easy by any means but better then it was.
Have you gotten him to read the posts on this site?
Maybe if he did he would also understand that it is not stress related and that you are not to blame, the anger that CH causes in all of us can be very hard to deal with and cause us to lash out at those who love us most, and for that I know we are all sorry and that we also try as hard as we can to not take it out on those we love but some times your sanity decides to take a vacation and we loose control.

Hope he understands and stops blaming you, it is a cruel thing to do.

Matt

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by lmarkins on Apr 26^th, 2006, 8:22pm

You are not to blame for his CH, sevim.
I am a lifetime sufferer and no one is to blame. It's just that when the bones were rolled, our number came up. It took me 45 years before I found this site and what a relief it is to find help and support. I have tried every drug imaginable, with no relief whatsoever. I finally found that oxygen therapy at least stopped each headache with 15-20 minutes. I hope you and your husband find some relief.
your friend,
lee

on 04/18/06 at 04:58:19, sevim wrote:

Thanks good relief this is really good site even I knew I am not causing but when someone you loved blame you for it makes different. I think he don’t see that we suffer as much as you guys suffer sometimes I wish that I had CH I will be the one dealing with it and he will be the one just watching but not able to do anything feeling totally helpless.
Thanks guys I really feel for all of you prey for some medical miracle.

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by seasonalboomer on Apr 27^th, 2006, 10:25am

You both need support. Please find a way to PM some of the supporters on this site. People like Margi are a great help to folks like yourself who find themselves the unintended "collateral" damage of CH. I would suggest trying to establish a conversation on the phone with one of these folks as it sounds as though you're in the thick of it.

As a sufferer I can tell you that how each of us handles our CH is different. They can strip us to our core --- the challenge for many is that "our core" may include childish, self-absorbed, selfish, fearful, inappropriate coping mechanisms, and other negatives that are not only unattractive but terribly destructive to ourselves and those around us. this is the part that really sucks.

My guess is that your sufferer's behavior is probably not isolated to how he handles CH but is probably evidenced in other places. And accentuated during CH episodes. Since you have this type of situation you can see that you both have these things to work on, on top of CH.

Developing an arsenal for CH is a first-line process. For example, when in cycle, I make sure I have my O2 tanks in place, Imitrex accessible, a few cans of Red Bull at the ready. I work with my wife on our commitments to avoid trigger behavior, or integrate abortives into those situations. IT'S WORK. But, it allows our life to WORK, during CH. For those not in cycle, that have an affect on their family's lives, this is the minimum you should do between cycles. Own it, take action, fight.

Sevim, I hope you will make an effort to try to get some contact with one of the other prominent supporters. They have a lot of knowledge and experience in helping you. They may be able to talk you through some of the issues that you feel should be private and they can keep that kind of confidence. I encourage you to do so.

Good luck.

Scott

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Kris_in_SJ on Apr 27^th, 2006, 7:51pm

Hi Sevim,

I really agree with Scott on this one. You need to be in touch with other supporters - either on this board or by phone.

Don't EVER blame yourself for his clusters. And, when he blames you, maybe you should show him some of the information you've learned here.

He may just be grumpy because of his cycle, but he needs to be educated on his problem

On the other hand ... I've worked for years in social services and women's organizations. If your marriage was shaky from the start, there are probably alot of other issues going on. Perhaps you could go away to visit friends or family for a few weeks until this cycle is over? I know you want to help him, but maybe your help isn't what he wants. Maybe he needs an excuse to verbally abuse you.

Probably not what you wanted to hear. You can send me a PM anytime, as well as any other supporter or sufferer here on this board.

I only wish you and your husband the best, as well as wishes for him to be pain-free.

Hugs,

Kris

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by Katherinecm on May 17^th, 2006, 12:56am

I don't know if this will help or not, but blaming your partner for your problems is one symptom of depression. Reading your post reminded me of a relationship I had with a depressed guy before I had CH- it's normal for depressed people to pass the blame for things in their life to those around them.

It's hard NOT to get depressed if you are in severe pain all the time, but it is NOT your fault and you shouldn't ever accept responsiblity for something you can't control. Doing so may lead you to fall into depression too.

Please don't worry about posting here. Feel free to message me. What helped me the most was learning about depression. When you know that it is simply a normal symptom of the disease, and NOT your fault, it can be much easier to deal with a partner's depression without letting getting caught up in it yourself.

Katy

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CH
Post by cekelle on May 17^th, 2006, 1:17am

You are not the cause at all. However I blame my wife for mine (just joking Karen ;;D). She was diagnosed last year and I was just diagnosed this year. I told her she's contagious! ;;D After all what are the odds of 2 people in the same household having them? It's pretty high but I'm not going to do the math. Actually I've had them for years and always misdiagnosed, but there is no known cause for them. Just keep logging on here for support. There is a great group of people with a wealth of information.

Chris

Title: Re: I am the reason for his CHSevim
Post by Beastfodder on May 18^th, 2006, 10:54am

So sad when this thing goes beyond the individual.

Sevim - you're as much to blame for his CH as the sun rising is.

However when you're at the bottom of the ladder it's easy to feel sorry for yourself and lash out when you really shouldn't.

Sounds like you both need supporting - and if he's suffering maybe a fresh look at the meds being used from pharmaceuticals through O2 and some of the excellent alternative therapies about.

Good luck and all the best