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Title: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 23rd, 2007, 9:21am Does anyone else deal with a sibling who is a drug addict? He is 36 years old now, and has been this way for as long as I can remember.......dropped out of school in 8th grade....blah blah blah......and my Mother has felt guilty her whole life and basically enables him forever and makes it all worse! He is constantly in and out of jail, and he has stolen from everyone in the family......checkbooks from my Mom, my dead Grandmothers jewelry......which my husband and I spent Christmas eve two years ago driving from pawn shop to pawn shop for hours trying to retrieve.....finally recovering it all after paying some hefty fines.......My Mother thinks I am quite the bitch, since I want nothing do with him.....I am tired of the same old shit routine with him, since he never will help himself at all.......everytime he gets out of jail.....the cycle contines.....she lets him move in with her.....gets him a car....with no license mind you.....he gets MV violations.....drinks...which he shouldn't be doing...never does any rehab...and it all begins again.....I feel terrible because I have a new baby, never mind my older children, and I have no Dad...he left me long ago....I feel I may have to cut off our relationship all together since she chooses to live this way.....I think it is wrong and sick...She calls me judgemental......I strongly disagree....this has been going on for decades....Anyone want to weigh on....this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the info I have given you......... :'( Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by JenniferD on Aug 23rd, 2007, 10:23am Alicia, my brother is your brother's twin... except with alchohol. EXACT same scenario with mom too. My other siblings and I decided long ago to give him some tough love. We want nothing to do with him unless he gets his sh*t together and gets help. Every time he claimed he was so sorry and wanted us to support him, we got majorly screwed. We've all been the scapegoats for his problems for YEARS and we all got tired of taking blame each time he whines to mom about how mean we are to him. My opinion: its perfectly OK to choose not to have him in your life. My bro, when he was a part of my life, was nothing but a life-draining manipulator. Enough is enough. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 23rd, 2007, 10:39am Jen, Thanks so much for the response.....My brother starts off drinking when he gets out of jail, but his drug of choice is heroine. It is not the kind of thing you can kick without help......besides mommy's that is....I appreciate that you can relate...not many people can. I just feel very frustrated right now. I suggested my mom see a therapist and she ends up going to this lady who has a kid like this too! So she is telling her to him urine tests, and call treatment centers for him, ect. ect......HELLO.....He is 36 yrs. old..........UGH........Thanks for listening........ Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Rosybabe on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:19am Alicia sorry to hear what you are going through but if you had cancer, Wouldn't you let the Doctors cut out whatever was sick so the rest would stay healty?... In my humble opinion, you have a family you need to take care of, and those are your children. Let your mother worry about hers. Someone who does not want to be help can't be help. You own it to your children. Be strong,it is never easy to turn your back but sometimes it is the only way... Rosy. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by nani on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:33am Sorry about this, Alicia. It's a tough situation. I don't think you have to end the realtionships in order to stay out of the enabling, though. I know it's hard not to be angry and disappointed, but detached love is a better way to go. Keep the relationships on your terms, protect your family, and continue to enjoy the parts of your mother that you love. hugs, nani |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by john_d on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:34am My best friend from high school and young adulthood turned into a raging alcoholic while I was in the Navy. It was weird cause he also graduated with honors from Rollins and good college near here. I never understood how bad alcoholism could be until this dude, I am still amazed anyone could drink that much and stay alive. After the navy we hung out a little and then he started borrowing money and I would get weird drunk phone calls and visits in the middle of the night from him trying to get money for some more booze. I remember once he peed in one of my bushes and killed the bush he had so much alcohol in his system!!! His parents actually appealed to me for help, like to talk to him and stuff. I tried but that was just dumb since I was not equipped to help and alcoholic. I don't have alot of patience for that kind of bs anyway so my relationship with him ended pretty fast. Still got occassional phone calls and visits, always drunk with stories of being banned from all the bars in town or arrested for this or that. He eventually killed himself when he was drunk shortly after his grandmother died that he was caring for. I went to the funeral, which was sad because I was one of two friends who actually showed up. His father actually said to me over and over 'don't worry it's not your fault'. WTF??? No shit it's not my fault, lol. I felt like knocking him out to be honest, what a guilt-inducing thing to say- and I avoided him after that. I still think about Mike as he was and I visit his grave, but I would never blame myself for someone elses problems and I would never allow anyone else to blame me either. I am not comparing stories because mine I was not tied by blood or family bonds but I thought you might like to here it anyway. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by tanner on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:42am luvee, My wife Linda and I played that game with a sister of hers for over 25 years and over 100g's. We tried and tried to change her ways by moving her across country finding or giving her jobs getting her places to live and basically covering her ass. We actually thought we had won several times, like when she had her first born son who is now 21 and an outstanding soldier on his second tour in the sandbox :(. He now has given up and only communicates with her through us. We thought we had won again when she got married and had 2 more kids now 16 and 14. That delusion lasted about 6 yrs. until the Father (who we thought was an ass at the time) left and went back to Ca. by himself leaving her with the kids in MD. on our doorstep where we watched (and enabled) her slide from booze and coke go to crack and abuse from her newest guy. We moved to the mountains of CO. and had a great group of friends when I got a call from my neice saying that her Mom had been beat nearly to death over a deal gone wrong and could I help? So off I go to old MD. to pay her bills, pack her up and move her to Co. where once again we got her a job and a place and got fooled again. Within a month she had taken the kids and was in Phoenix in an apartment with.......guess who.....the same guy, now magically restored to good provider and social drinker. A year later we are in Malibu running the only RV park there and we get the news that he had dropped dead while back in MD. for a visit and she was left in AZ. with the kids and no hope, so off I go to the rescue once more. We buy her a 38ft. RV and put her in a park in San Dimas where she can work and live oh yeah another car too. Next thing we know she has hooked up with another abusive user and has now graduated to meth. The Rv. , still in my name is found wrecked and abandoned in the valley and Rita has no where to go. Finally with the pushing of her own Mom (our beloved late Mom), we call the father who takes the 2 younger kids and we take the oldest and head back to the East coast leaving her to her own devices. It's now 6 yr.s later and Donnie is a great man and soldier. my niece and nephew in Ca. are happy and very well taken care of, Rita is still using (but quitting every other week ::)) and Tim is feeling like an idiot for trying all the wrong things for way too long :-[. The moral is: if you can afford outside hard intervention, go for it. If not have the whole family back slowly away from the bomb and take care of yourselves. Please share this with your Mom or whomever and if you would like PM me and I will send you my Cell#. Wishing you the very best......Tim |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:47am Your mom should be looking into attending local al-anon meetings. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Kevin_M on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:56am A 10/4 to Chewy. Call a local or national NA/AA and have a booklet sent out of the surrounding meetings for him. That is the best assistance you can offer him. Whether he takes you up on this offer is up to him, if he does the thanks will be lifelong in coming. If he doesn't, you have offered the best gift he will ever receive. on 08/23/07 at 09:21:06, luveemom wrote:
I know. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Big_OUCH on Aug 23rd, 2007, 11:58am I'm new here, so forgive me if I jump in to your painful post. There is nothing that you can do for your brother except avoid him-to become involved will make you an enabler, just like your mother. I am sure that your brother breaks your mother's heart, as he does yours and the rest of the family. Unless he experiences some sort of epipheny, he will continue his downward spiral and wind up in prison or worse. The only thing that you can do is to live your life and not get involved in his. I am sure that your mother enabels his habits because she loves him and probably hopes that one day he will see the light; she may believe that without her support he will either die or commit some serious crime, but, despite her good intentions, she is making his problems worse. An addict is a good actor and he has his hooks in your mother and is able to get what he wants. She probably feels that without her he cannot survive (but he can; I doubt that she can give him enough money to feed his habit and he probably supplements what she gives him by stealing; when an addict is finally arrested, he/she has committed several HUNDRED crimes for which he/she was not caught). Take care of yourself and your family, let your mother know that you love her, let your brother know that too, but do nothing to support his habit. I have known people like your brother and most have come to a bad end. Unfortunately, prison is not an answer as he can get any drug there that he can on the street. One can only pray that he will see the light and want to change his life, but he HAS to want to change. I am so sorry that you are in such a terrible situation. Perhaps contacting a group that arranges confrontations, with all of the family members and significant others present who tell of the effect his habit has had upon them, might help. If such a confrontation is successful, the group arranging them will have a bed waiting in an inpatient rehab center so that he can be immediately admitted for treatment. The odds are not good, but it is worth a try for someone that you love. My heart goes out to you :'( |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Linda_Howell on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:08pm These stories break my heart more than you know. Well, some of you know.. :'( |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by nani on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:11pm on 08/23/07 at 12:08:07, Linda_Howell wrote:
:'( [smiley=hug.gif] love you, Lin. :-* |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by LeLimey on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:20pm Love you lots too LindaLoo :-* Alicia, you're not alone with this. We've all got family stories from hell in one way or another and we knowhow you're feeling so anyone of us will hear you vent and help all we can. Do what you need to do, you know the anwer is there in your own heart, its just tough to face sometimes. We'll be there to pick you up when you feel down though and never forget that okay? We's yer famley too y'know! ((HUG)) Helen |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by tanner on Aug 23rd, 2007, 12:43pm on 08/23/07 at 12:08:07, Linda_Howell wrote:
Love you bunches Linda :-* My Lin does too......Tim |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 23rd, 2007, 1:36pm Thank you all for your support and for opening your hearts and sharing with me. It really means a lot to me. It feels like the world is falling in on me sometimes. My Mom has been to the supporters meetings and doesn't like them???? Whatever........and my brother just doesn't go......the pattern is he will be back in jail within a year.....it has been this way for as long as I can remember. Thank you all again...I am just confused. I did find a counselor in my town who specializes in addiction and I have an appt. with him tomorrow to ask him about a meeting with me and my Mom......I want his opinion. I fear the total loss of our relationship...we will see what he has to say.....What you all have said was really wonderful and made great sense to me and made me feel much better :) I am grateful to you for that Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by tanner on Aug 23rd, 2007, 1:41pm Hey Alicia..... :-* |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 23rd, 2007, 2:02pm Thanks Tim......you're the bomb! ;) |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Mosaicwench on Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:00pm A prayer for all who deal with this destructive and hurtful behavior. . . you're not alone. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by tanner on Aug 23rd, 2007, 4:24pm on 08/23/07 at 16:00:15, Mosaicwench wrote:
Amen |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by fubar on Aug 24th, 2007, 2:42pm All of the advice here is SPOT ON. I dealt with an alcoholic/user wife for 15 years. 8 rehabs did nada... in the end, I had to play hardball and simply get her the hell out of my life. She is now 45 and jobless, homeless, penniless, and she has no contact whatsoever with her children (15 and 17). I tried everything I could to put her on a path that gave her the opportunity to have a life, but all to no avail. Her path of destruction is staggering. My kids have suffered the most. Morgan (15 yr old) is a mental case and is now in a therapeutic boarding school that cost me $60,000 (20 year loan, $800/month, I might as well give up trying to get ahead in life) and my son Ryan (17) is now in Juvenile Hall. They both are lashing out at the world because they have been completely screwed over by their mother (I hate using that word... mother... she is so not a mother) Anyway, through it all I have learned that there is NOTHING at all I can do to make her make better choices. My responsibility is to my self and my kids, and all I can do is be the best father I can be. I have to accept that the addict in the mix is going to cause problems until she is dead. In other words, protect yourself and the ones you love, and cut ties with the addict until they are really recovered. Don't accept any promises or short-term progress as signs of recovery. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. It is perfectly OK to cut ties even it it means cutting ties with your mom who enables all of it. It's SAD, but a necessary step in making yourself safe and sane. -Fu |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by phil_h on Aug 24th, 2007, 5:08pm ALICIA , YOU AND / OR YOUR MOTHER NEED TO ATTEND ALANON OR NARANON ...... NOT TO HELP YOUR BROTHER , BUT TO HELP YOU WITH DETACHMENT IN A HEALTHY WAY.... GO FOR YOU ..... THERE ARE ALOT OF GREAT WEB SITES ON : ALANON , NARANON , CODEPENDENCY AND ADDICTION....... YOU'VE GOTTEN REALLY GREAT FEEDBACK HERE...SO REMEMBER.....DON'T LET THE ADDICTS LIFE TAKE YOUR SANITY OR FAMILY.....ODAAT....PHIL H |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by gore2424 on Aug 24th, 2007, 5:39pm caring hugs to all in need (((([[[[[{(((HUGS]})))]]]})))) Terry |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 24th, 2007, 9:54pm That was a very kind and appropriate prayer Pat..."Im saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight".... |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 25th, 2007, 12:23pm Fu, Your life is heartbreaking, you have been/are still going through hell. I commend you on being a single parent and holding it all together so well. I thank you for your response. I went to see the addiction counselor yesterday and he was an awesome guy.....he said no to me and mom going together.....but he will see her alone. He said "she" needs individual therapy, and me being there wouldn't be productive. When I came home to tell her how it went....she was very defensive......I gave her his card and it's up to her if she calls or not....he told me that she is co-dependent and enabling..I knew that, but she doesn't get it. I told her too, that I don't want to continue having a relationship with her while she is living this way with my brother. She says I am very judgemental......I am not shutting her out, but I am not going over there at all. I haven't had contact with my brother in years....and that will not change until he changes. She then laid a bunch guilt crap on me about how "oh I guess your mother is all f***** up" and I just said whatever Mom....I don't want your guilt, just go get some help.....stop laying this crap on me. Thanks for all your help everyone, and advice I appreciate it more than you know....I have done all I can do for her......it's up to her now. As for my brother, like I said I cut off contact with him years ago, that is a done deal. ((((((HUGS))))))))) Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by phil_h on Aug 25th, 2007, 12:34pm Sounds like the first step in implimenting change has been taken ...... Detach with love.....You've done footwork... now allow God to be responsible for the outcome.... stay strong............ phil h |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 25th, 2007, 12:49pm Thanks Phil.....God Bless Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Brewcrew on Aug 25th, 2007, 4:27pm Alicia, I have a 43-year-old brother who is awaiting sentencing on his 5th DUI. He takes several different anti-depressants. He's a god-damned mess. Lives in my mom's basement, works 2nd shift, and has absolutely no direction in his life. I forgave him the first time it happened. But after that, I realized that it could be my wife and son that end up on the business end of his car. Once it became a pattern I more or less divorced myself from him. I hate seeing what it has done to him, my mom, and my departed father. Nobody can change him, and he won't change unless he really wants to. When I saw him at the beginning of June he bragged of how he was 50-some days sober. I told him that sounded like a good start. But I still can't look him in the eye without seeing how much pain he's caused. My mom enables him by bailing him out, making excuses, letting him live there, and feeding him all sorts of crap about how he's sick, how it's not his fault, etc. Never anything about personal responsibility. I've chosen not to become entangled in it. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 25th, 2007, 6:01pm An alcoholic/addict will get to the point of addiction when he/she may no longer be responsible for their actions. However He/She is still accountable for their actions. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by cash5542 on Aug 25th, 2007, 8:27pm So much good advice has been given. I grew up with an alcoholic mom and 3 sisters. My Dad was a military career oficer and had little to do with us and was overseas often for a year at a time. 2 of my sisters have pretty severe mental issues and have had kids with similar issues. We've all had similar stories here. I can't say enough for alanon. I couldn't make my mom stop drinking but I came to terms with it and learned so much about co-dependency. I stopped hating my sisters for "making" her drink and I grew up alot and learned how to cope. I cried alot at the beginning but really toughened up. We lost my mom last year to ataxia, the brain just totally gives out and the body stops working in almost every way. Alcohol did this. Years of abuse took her life in less than a month. My sisters raved how strong I was, they weren't. Again, alanon helped me cope. I realized a long time ago I can't change the situation but I can learn to cope. Best wishes for all of the answers and strenghth you need. Charlotte |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 25th, 2007, 10:30pm Brewcrew, thanks for sharing with me....sounds a lot like my story....it sucks, but I guess we just have to deal with what we have been given...I appreciate your response. I know exactly what you mean about hating what it has done to your Mom....that kills me. Chewy, you're right on the money....I agree 100% Charlotte, thank you also for sharing your story too. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom due to alcoholism. My biological Father is an alcoholic, but lucky for me he left when I was 4, and I never saw him again. So I was spared the pain and devastation of having to grow up with him and his disease. Thank you all, and God Bless Alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Brewcrew on Aug 25th, 2007, 10:45pm on 08/25/07 at 18:01:59, chewy wrote:
Perhaps I chose the wrong word. The point is that he still, to this day, has the ability to choose right from wrong, still has the ability to make amends to those whom he has wronged. I have yet to see signs of that, and I called it personal responsibility. Accountability works, though. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by tanner on Aug 25th, 2007, 11:00pm Alicia, Can you feel the love? I sure can.... :-* better days ahead.......Tim |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by luveemom on Aug 25th, 2007, 11:16pm Tim, I can, right back at ya :-* alicia |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 27th, 2007, 12:12pm Im taking a chance...and telling a different side of this...with respect to everyone, believe me I've lived it with an addict...so Im not just "imaganing" how you feel..each and every one of you hurting...and I MEAN each and everyone of you...I care. I have felt all the emotions you all felt...the anger, disgust...and I have seen a miracle. I hung in there. I expect no credit, becaue I DIDN'T WANT TO...I wanted OUT. I've seen the enabling...where I thougnt steam was coming out of my ears. But it CAN change...even after decades...and you've lost any hope...pray...pray and pray. There is NOTHING you can do...but "Someone" else can. Im only saying this in hopes of giving you all even a shred of hope...and from the bottom of my heart, I understand...and I look forward to the day you will all be sharing your "miracles". Sincerely. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by fubar on Aug 27th, 2007, 12:28pm In my very humble opinion, hope is overrated when it comes to the whole addiction thing... Even *if* my ex were to pull her head out of the dark regions, the destruction she has wrought on her kids, her parents, her family... it all lives on without her. Not that I can't move on in life and try to be happy... far from it, I *will* be happy in spite of her. I am sad for the others, especially my kids, who have many years to go before they can begin to heal. The next person who defends her condition as a 'disease' is going to get a rather long rant from me... this kind of shit is a choice, not a disease. Everybody makes their choices. The weak ones choose the path of least resistance, and *downhill* is pretty damn easy. It's a CHOICE. ...just like being a good person is a CHOICE. You have to make a conscious choice to be good, it doesn't just happen. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by MR_FLOOR on Aug 27th, 2007, 12:48pm OMG Alicia, Is his name James.You could be talking about my brother-in-law.The situation is identical even the same age,he is in prison right now but he gets out in 2 more years and the cycle will start again.He has never had a job in his life(how pathetic)and sponges off his elderly parents,who are both retired and on fixed incomes. About 7 years ago he robed out house while we were on vacation,came home to everything gone.he even used my tools to destroy the safe( there were pieces of it everywhere)were he preceded to steal our his and her engraved jewelery from our wedding,not worth that much to anyone but us(nice brother huh). Well my mom-in-law says the same thing about me.I'm an not a very nice person and my wife just don't understand James.Well I could ramble on for hours about this Jagbag,but you get the jist. Dave |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 27th, 2007, 8:41pm Quote:
Its only a matter of choice in the beginning and sometimes not even then. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by UN solved on Aug 27th, 2007, 9:01pm If you are weak-hearted ... read NO FURTHER !! Looks like you've gotten some great advice and some really kind words already. My advice may not be taken so easily and may not be liked by many (are any). But I say ... hope that he goes to prison for a very long time. Maybe even have a PI get him busted. :o It may be the only way to keep him alive ! You and all the rehabs in the world are not gonna stop him from using those kinds of drugs. He'd be lucky to survive (outside of prison) while he continues to use. IMO ... really sorry ... not what anyone wants to hear (or say) :-/ Don't let him drag you down with him ! sorry again Goodluck UNsolved |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Batch on Aug 27th, 2007, 9:49pm Sorry you've got a problem like this. You've really only got two courses of action when you have a high-maintenance family member abusing drugs or alcohol that badly. Insulate the rest of your family from the offender and the enabler, or have the offender legally committed to long term (minimum 90 day) rehab. Neither are easy, inexpensive, or without risk. Suggest you seek professional assistance. Good luck, V/R, Batch |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Brewcrew on Aug 27th, 2007, 10:36pm on 08/27/07 at 20:41:33, chewy wrote:
Huh? |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by fubar on Aug 27th, 2007, 11:27pm How is it ever *not* a choice? If a person theoretically can 'choose' to become sober/clean, be it by depending on their God or a even a magic bean, they possess the capability of choice. When ever they choose their vice, they are choosing it over being sober/clean, regardless of how they got to the point of being an addict. It is never less than a free will choice. To believe it is less means you believe that the individual is utterly powerless. If there is some magical set of circumstances that finally convinces the addict to become sober/clean, then it must also be true that the addict was always capable of making that choice. It is inescapable. It is always a choice. Anyway, that's how I've come to see it after 40-some-odd years of dealing with one addict or another. My experience is hopefully an aberration of humanity, so I could be completely full of shit. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by nani on Aug 28th, 2007, 12:16am on 08/27/07 at 23:27:54, fubar wrote:
AA 12 Steps: Step 1 "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." I used to think I was hot shit, you know. Always surrounded by alcoholics and drug addicts...but not ME. Sure, I liked to party, but I never fell off the edge. I remember watching TV one day, when Robert Downey Jr got popped once again, thinking WTF is wrong with that guy...he's got so much going for him and he can't get his shit together? Then, as if God thumped me upside the head, I realized...Shit...I can't even give up chocolate! |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by fubar on Aug 28th, 2007, 1:05am nani, Respectfully, the 12 steps may help some, but they do not help everybody Those steps *instantly* give the addict the excuse they need: "I'm powerless... so sue me" I think that's a bunch of shite. Been there, done that, paid the divorce lawyer bill. If, in fact, the addict is powerless, why not line them up and shoot 'em? Seems pretty hopeless to me. Admitting you are powerless is the same as choosing to be an addict. It is the same thing. The 12 steps baffle me. Thank God they do work for some people. Seriously. I admit my viewpoint is seriously skewed, and quite possibly offensive and wrong. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 4:04am First, I have not read any of the above responses as not to sway my mind. Second, Please bear with me, this is month six for me on the internet...and Im finding that it's difficult to say what I want...and I don't know all the "rules" yet, so please, give me a break... I want to be CLEAR that I had NO HOPE WHAT SO EVER while living through it. None. I had given up...long before things changed. I was self righteous, cynical and pessismistic...and PISSED. There is no easy way to go through it...none. In no way, am I suggesting to sit there like a smiling idiot...and carress the head of person shooting herion right in your face and say"gee, it's ok...I know you cant help it"....yeah...ok. As if I was remotely like that... Im trying to tell someone, anyone...even one person, it ACTUALLY can change. It's bigger than any of us. I could never have forgiven on my own...NEVER. NEVER. I couldnt understand "Why"... and blamed the person..."They could stop if they wanted to"...etc, etc. I've learned alot. I am humbled. A person cannot witness what I have and NOT say anything...it's paying forward..as I've heard said here. Of course, it's up to anyone what they think or do...I've only know what I've witnessed...and Im far from the only person. Powerless...yes. Powerless. There is something we are all powerless over..anyone saying any different isn't being honest. We all need help in some areas. That's ok...it's part of being human. I am just hoping someone out there in cyber world reads this...and maybe, even for an hour, five minutes...has a change of heart...I needed alot of help to have my heart softened. That's all I meant. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sandie99 on Aug 28th, 2007, 4:27am I've read this thread with interest. My cousin had an addiction, but she made it though... My uncle...now he's another story. He is an alcoholic, everybody know that and besides his big brother, nobody seems to give a damn. The uncle who cares gave up a lot of his own dreams to take care, in his way, this brother... But I feel now that even he has washed his hands. I mean, there's very little you CAN do, when this alcoholic has money in the bank, time to drink and everybody around never mentions this problem out loud. :( It makes me sad, but I'm powerless. I'm 27, he is 72. If I would tell him that it's time to sober up again, he'd look at me like I've gone crazy.. You know, when he drinks that ends up to be a month, or six long cycle, but it is not "his" problem. He "can" "control" it, and can stay out of drinking... for a while. It's never one drink or bottle but like 30. He's a brilliant musician, so it's sad to see him waste his talent. He used to have a band, a side project to the farm he took care of with his brother. Now they both are retired and my uncle doesn't even play at family weddings. That's the way it is. It's sad, that's what it is. I care, so sue me. Sanna |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 28th, 2007, 7:24am Quote:
Only those who are not committed to recovery and are continuing to rationalize and justify. Quote:
That choice is still available. An active alcoholic/addict looses the choice to consume the drug when the body demands the drug to function and when it has become the only way to mentally cope. An alcoholic/addict admitting powerlessness is simply an admission that he/she can not control the impact the drug has on his/her life and relinquishes the fallacy that they can. Its an excuse for the active addict who has not made the choice to get clean, its a surrender for those who wish to recover. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Mosaicwench on Aug 28th, 2007, 8:00am . . . . its a surrender for those who wish to recover. Chewy - you're a poet at heart. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by Kevin_M on Aug 28th, 2007, 8:15am on 08/28/07 at 01:05:23, fubar wrote:
What is wrong with admitting one has not or is incapable of doing anything about it themselves, and is the first step in asking for help? Many that think they are not powerless are still alcholics/addicts. An actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop on the basis of self-knowledge. It may never occur to some that they cannot quit on their own and incorporated a subtle insanity about it. Letting go of reservations is a foundation to recovery. This is a huge first step, and perhaps the longest to arrive at, admitting defeat, rather than being a hopeless defeat, as it would be on their own. As Chewy mentioned, there is a choice after they stop trying to justify using/drinking. And they don't walk into the 12 steps with love, honesty, open-mindedness, or willingness. When beaten, then comes willingness, willing to do whatever necessary, then being responsible for recovery. Chewy's been on the mark. Admitting powerlessness is the beginning of asking for help. This is half the truth. Believing there IS some power that can help you overcome is next. That took me more than three months to even believe and conceive of being possible, going everyday. *some from NA and AA books |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 9:53am Nothing. (in admitting powerlessness) In fact, that's one of the most beautiful parts of the journey... Finally...the false bravado is over, the defensiveness...and someone reveals themselves to you as a vulnerable human being. Chewy really has the boundries covered...he thouroughly explained the things that must come into play for it to be real...and how after a point, a person really can't function anymore w/o a drug or alcohol, being it physical addiction or "forgetting" how to live w/o it...both really. It's a very difficult thing. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 28th, 2007, 9:55am Just to add that the 12 steps can be used to recover from most anything in life that can have a negative impact. Not just drugs and alcohol. Anger included. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 10:19am on 08/28/07 at 09:53:39, sldrswyfe wrote:
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 10:20am Umm..I have NO IDEA HOW I just did what I did...with the box thing...I was just trying to edit my post :-[ Sorry about that. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by southwalessunshine on Aug 28th, 2007, 12:05pm I know how you're feeling. My mother is the drug user in my story though. The day i found my daughter walk in the room with a wrap of white powder she found in the bathroom was the day i stopped her being alone with my kids. We tried everything and in the end she told us kids it was none of our business, so i had no choice but to walk away. Even though i knew I had to do it, it hurt like hell. In january i gave her another chance because I was led to believe she was really ill and being frequently hospitalised for stomach probs. it went ok and I re introduced my kids. then A month or so ago my brother told me she is now a morphine addict and amongst other narcs she abuses she is being frequently hospitalised because she's overdosing, and slowly killing herself. I was so angry and hurt that my family told me she was ill and they knew how i felt, plus i let her get to know my kids again. So again I have walked away, but not just from my mother but from all the family members that led me to believe she was ill, and lied that she was off the drugs. This time I lost a whole lot more! But I know i did the right thing. If she wants to screw her life up, I will not alow her to take me and my kids with her. It's a tough stance to take but I have to take it, i'm a mother and I must look after my kids and that doesn't involve aloowing them to mix with drug users. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 12:59pm Chewy, Your response, "That Choice is Still Available" could saves someones life. You really put that simply and eloquently, along with the rest of your explanation and patient answers to recovery and the Steps. It's a very delicate,emotionally charged subject...and you worded it just right. And yes, the Steps are wonderful for working out many issues...I know. Amazing things happen when you sincerely work them. Kevin, Im sorry I didn't acknowledge your post...Im really happy that you "were willing to become willing"....my prayers for continued peace. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 28th, 2007, 2:36pm I went through a process called "The 12 Step Study" They are in numerical order for a reason. Took me over a year to complete the 4th step and well over 2 years to complete all 12. Addiction elicits a lot of anger and resentment from those that are affected by it. Resentment is the number one enemy of the addict that keeps the addiction alive. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by sldrswyfe on Aug 28th, 2007, 3:00pm Oh yes, It takes a long time to complete, if you are putting your heart and soul into it. And some of the steps, well I was resistant to and struggled with. I still have to continue to work them if I want them to work...sorry for the cliche...but it's true and well worth it. I can see you really got alot of that course...it must've have been very powerful. |
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Title: Re: Drug addict brother/mother enabler.... Post by chewy on Aug 28th, 2007, 3:04pm It could get powerful. When you have a Marine Drill Instructor speaking of how he worked the 12 steps into his life ( in front of around 60 people) break into tears. Yeah........thats pretty powerful stuff. |
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