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Title: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by aubmari on Jun 22nd, 2007, 11:56am When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are!", she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too . . . I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a tee shirt! Have a great weekend!! Aubmari |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by Jimi on Jun 22nd, 2007, 12:00pm ROTFLMAO!!! That was great. |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by Rosybabe on Jun 22nd, 2007, 1:39pm HEY!!! We want pics of "that" bathing suit!!! ;;D |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by aubmari on Jun 22nd, 2007, 3:32pm yah coz "THATS HOT" ;;D Aub |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by midwestbeth on Jun 22nd, 2007, 4:15pm The visual...... Too Funny [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by Mosaicwench on Jun 22nd, 2007, 5:32pm on 06/22/07 at 11:56:38, aubmari wrote:
I hate those Fantasia hippo suits!! on 06/22/07 at 11:56:38, aubmari wrote:
UNIBOOB! This is going to sound really lame but the best swim suit I ever had was from Land's End. They called it a "mastectomy suit" - it had cups into which one could place a prosthetic boob and still look natural. I just plopped my two natural ones in and looked fine! |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by aubmari on Jun 22nd, 2007, 5:50pm on 06/22/07 at 17:32:02, Mosaicwench wrote:
OMG!! That is too funny. [smiley=spit.gif] Gotta love the UNIBOOB! ~Aubmari |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by ClusterChuck on Jun 22nd, 2007, 7:43pm This shows that it IS best to just let it all hang out and go nekkid!!! Chuck |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by Ray on Jun 22nd, 2007, 7:47pm Dear Aubmari: This had my wife and I laughing so hard it brought tears to our eyes. Thanks for the belly laughs, Ray |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by Jonny on Jun 22nd, 2007, 7:59pm They dont even make a bathing suit for the gifted ;;D http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4db23b3127cce9fbec0e9884700000015108AZM2bNk5bM6 Man O man is that gifted.....LOL [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Friday funny for the ladies....... Post by ClusterChuck on Jun 22nd, 2007, 8:10pm on 06/22/07 at 19:59:50, Jonny wrote:
So YOU say .... Chuck |
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