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        New Message Board Archives >> 2007 General Board Posts >> What is a Daughter to do?
        
(Message started by: aprilbee on May 11^th, 2007, 11:38am)

Title: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by aprilbee on May 11^th, 2007, 11:38am

My mom...where do I start? I have stood by her and supported her and defended her all through her divorce from my dad, her incarceration (yes PRISON), I would take my 1 year old daughter to see her grandmother in prison because no one else would even talk to her, I felt compelled you know? she was my mom....then I rented an apartment I couldn't afford so she had a place to go when she got out...I kept my brothers from hating her for the rest of their lives....I have always known my mom was an alcoholic...therefore I NEVER drink, to this day, I won't do it because I will never do that to my family...I guess I had rose colored glasses on....this is such a long story, so let me shorten it a little...my brother (who lived with my mom and step dad, who I have talked into staying married to my mom SEVERAL times, again defending her every action) anyway, my new sister in law kind of just took over and I was edged out...to be honest, I was relieved, I had more time with my husband and daughter and it made my husband very happy...

this past month....things have come up missing from my mom's house, jewelery mostly, and what I can only guess is my sister in law conviced my mom that I had something to do with this! about a year ago, my mom's wedding rings (from her first marriage) went missing and she was sure I took them! she found them 2 weeks later packed up! So my sis in law saw this I'm guessing and figured I would be blamed again...now I have done NOTHING to cause this....

this Monday, I get an email from my mom, who I have supported (a lot of times the only person who stood by her) telling me that until I produce what is missing she is no longer my mother! I was so angry and hurt, but I let it go...I emailed her back told her I loved her and when she came back to reality from whatever trip she was on I would be there....

but now...I don't think so....do I let her fall back on me again? am I an enabler, co-dependent? My husband says fuck her, and I'm inclined to agree with him, but its so hard to do...she's my MOM! Mother's day is Sunday! How can I do that? but what she has done just stings to the bone...I think I've rambled enough here...I just need support where I can get it...I know this is a CH site, but you guys are my second family and slowly becoming my only family!

Just pray for my mom, and me please? Thank you!

April Bee

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Brewcrew on May 11^th, 2007, 12:03pm

Quote:

do I let her fall back on me again? am I an enabler, co-dependent?

Are you looking for answers to these, or do you simply want us to pray for you and your mom, as you state at the end of your writing?

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, for sure.

Bill

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Yorky on May 11^th, 2007, 12:09pm

imwith hubby on this one.

bloods thicker than water true....hope you can work it out

(as sister in law done anything..or have things been misplaced)

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by seasonalboomer on May 11^th, 2007, 12:19pm

april,

the challenge with putting this problem out there for feedback is that there are two type of folks who will be reading it. There will be those who are well-adjusted people who did not grow up in a completely screwed up dysfunctional situation that will look at it and plainly agree with your husband.

And then there are people like us who, whether we know it or not, dealt with this kind of shit our whole lives that most other people didn't, and we therefore take this kind of crap as something somehow just slightly goofier than the crap we grew up with.

Your husband is right. But, the likelihood of you taking his advice is, as you know, is unlikely. So, protect yourself and remember -- this behavior is not normal (or even close) nor is it acceptable for family members to be like this to each other. I've heard that growing up with dysfunction is kind of like walking around with only a slightly noticeable limp. Most people won't notice it but you'll always know it is there.

My heart goes out to you dear. Hang in there and take care of those who are able to acceept your love freely without conditions.

Scott

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by aprilbee on May 11^th, 2007, 12:31pm

I'm not looking for answers...I don't think there are any until I change my thinking...I have a friend who joined AA because her mother was an alcoholic....my mother is an alcohol and drug addict...I printed off a "characteristic listing" of adult chidren of an alcoholic and I can't believe what I was reading...it was me from No 1 though No 33 or what ever number it finally ended at...

I appreciate all your thoughts...more than I can say....

:-*

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Jackie on May 11^th, 2007, 1:28pm

You are in a tough spot, Sweetie.....sounds like you have been for years.

This is a decision that only you can make. But....I will say this much. People with the problems your Mom has will use you up..... if you allow it. Might be time for some tough love.

Bless your heart.....sounds like you've been a good daughter and deserve better.

Love & Hugs to you,
Jackie

Oh...one more thing. You might want to do some deeper research on those characteristics of children of alcoholics. Could help you some.

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Rosybabe on May 11^th, 2007, 2:16pm

April, all I can say is that I feel sorry for your situation but seems to me that being close to your Mom is not bringing to your life nothing but pain and problems..

She will always be your Mom but you can't change what she wants to be or what she wants to do. An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic until He/She decides to quit. .

You have your own family now and you must look for their well being and for YOUR happiness.

Your Mom had the chance to do what she wanted to do of her life. Let her know you will be there for her but you will not allow her to hurt you or your family even more.

Just my 2 cents here...

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by aprilbee on May 11^th, 2007, 2:25pm

wow! I truly feel like I may be able to start this process. Thank you guys so much, I should expect nothing less from this great supportive site huh? Thank you for the IMs too.....

I have a friend who has gone through this same thing when she was my age and she has compiled tons of reasearch and is taking me to an al-anon meeting that she now teaches....

I can't say thanks enough or show how much I appreciate your support and kind words and letting me know I'm not alone! :-*

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by TxBasslady on May 11^th, 2007, 3:08pm

Follow your heart, April.

I have 3 great son's. All through their years of growing and learning, those 3 words have been my motto.

So many times thru the years, they've asked my opinion, or asked for my thoughts on different things. My stock answer has always been...."follow your heart".

My son's are all married with kids of their own, and I have always expected them to consider their wives and kids "first priority".

It's apparent you love your Mom. Consider your personal priorities, and go from there, sweetie.

Remember there's things in ths life, you simply cannot change. Sometimes, you have to let those things go, in hopes they work out for the best.

Much love....and know that I send my best to you.

Jean

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by deltadarlin on May 11^th, 2007, 4:37pm

Ask yourself just one question, "Would I let my husband/child/friend/whomever treat/talk to me this way?".

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by aprilbee on May 11^th, 2007, 5:20pm

on 05/11/07 at 16:37:26, deltadarlin wrote:

Ask yourself just one question, "Would I let my husband/child/friend/whomever treat/talk to me this way?".

Um, yeah probably....I have never really paid attention to the way people treat me....I don't stand up for myself, I avoid conflict at all costs....now if someone ELSE were to treat MY husband/child/friend/whomever badly, you better believe I'll be there in a second to stand up for them.... I'm a work in progress and things in my life are just now starting to make sense why the happen(ed).... My mom is diseased....did I mention that my sister in law is an alcoholic and that my uncle was kicked out of his home by his wife in Oregan (she's a quadrapalegic BTW) and HE is an alcoholilc drug addict....so all three of them have no jobs, and have nothing to do but sit around, drink and pop pills all day long....so who knows where the jewelry is huh?? this is the biggest clusterfuck I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing in my 33 years....and maybe since the problem is trippled, I finally see things clearly...so....I'm done. no more ranting, just healing

Thanks again....I can't say how much I appreciate you guys! truly! :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Bob P on May 11^th, 2007, 6:45pm

Al-anon is the right move.

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Linda_Howell on May 11^th, 2007, 7:24pm

I'd like to add one more thing April.

Please stand up for yourself more. In all aspects of your life. Don't make me come and open up a can of whoop-a$$ on you. >:(

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by kayarr on May 11^th, 2007, 11:40pm

on 05/11/07 at 14:16:08, Rosybabe wrote:

call it 4 cents. Couldn't say it better.

I had the good fortune to grow up in the Cleaver family and to marry into the addams family. I see both sides.
Just remember you are not responsible for anyone but you.
hugs,
kimberly

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by sandie99 on May 12^th, 2007, 2:17am

April,

that's quite a situation. [smiley=hug.gif]

I have all the faith in people, so I believe that one of these days your mum will understand how things really are. Until then, I agree that it's important that you will think about your own family now and your happiness. :)
Vibes are coming your way.

Jean, can I send my mum over to your wisdom school for some lessons? ;;D "Follow your heart" is presicely the kind of advice I'd like to get from my mum one of these days. :)

Hugs & PF days to all,
Sanna

Title: Re: What is a Daughter to do?
Post by Charlie on May 12^th, 2007, 10:33pm

Don't let them tell you what you are.

You're in my thoughts, kid.

Charlie