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        New Message Board Archives >> 2007 General Board Posts >> Absentee dads?
        
(Message started by: Mattrf on Feb 6^th, 2007, 3:10pm)

Title: Absentee dads?
Post by Mattrf on Feb 6^th, 2007, 3:10pm

So how many of you have one?
I am 44 and still have daddy issues, my 17 year old step-daughter has an absentee dad and I would do anything to spare her the pane I have experienced. I tried talking to her dad but he insists that she is just going through a phase, no she hates you it’s not a phase jackass!
He called her a few weeks ago and said all the right things, he wanted to be more involved and see her more and be more of a dad, she was ecstatic and I was very happy for her just hope he follows through on it.
I left him a VM on his cell telling him that if he could get one of his car buddies to work on her car he would make mega points and mend some fences, I said he should pick her up and take her there and if he wanted to make more points to pay for it but we would be willing to split it with him. I told him that I was unable to get it fixed so he would look really good if he did this.
So for my troubles, he is totally pissed off at me know, he called my wife and went off about my message, WTF! I was trying to help him as much as her, does he want to have a relationship with her or not?
I am so frustrated that I cant get him to understand that I know what I am talking about and I want just to help both of them, guess it will be me giving her away at her wedding, at this rate he will be lucky to even know there was a wedding.

Matt

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by artonio7 on Feb 6^th, 2007, 4:06pm

Wow Matt,

That's really a sticky situation to be in. I have distant shadows of daddy issues (years of therapy helped) It's sad that he's not more proactive in her life, but suffice it to say that at times an absentee father is sometimes a blessing.

Continue to reassure her that she is loved and lovable... and that it's not her fault. I'm not a father... but you can't go wrong in being supportive of her, give her an ear to vent in and as hard as it may be... try very hard to refrain from criticizing her father in front of her. Just stay grounded and as objective as possible always being there for her. That will go a long way in preventing lots of daddy issues before they even occur.

Good luck and know that you'll be in my prayers.

with warm regards,
Tony

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by tanner on Feb 6^th, 2007, 4:51pm

No Matt that is one I never had to endure. I come from one those rare family tree's where there has never been a divorce.
I know it is not because we are all "great catches" we must just be hard to escape from. ;;D

I don't envy you my friend and I just can't imagine a father willing to jeapordize his relationship with his daughter for any reason.

.......Your a Good step dad Matt......Tim

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by Margi on Feb 6^th, 2007, 5:04pm

Matt, I am so sorry that you're going through all this. We are a blended family too. Mike has been my daughter's step dad since she was 3 (she's now almost 25 and they're the best of friends).

It's so difficult being the step-parent and SO easy to cross invisible "lines". Mike's tactic was always to stay at arm's length and never say anything bad to or about Corinne's real dad. We are very lucky because he IS a pretty good guy and Corinne was blessed to grow up with two really good dads. But, trust me, there were times when I'm sure Mike could have cheerfully gassed him. But he never did. I'm sure he swallowed a lot of comments but he never once interfered.

Kids are great scorekeepers too, don't forget that. Your daughter isn't missing a trick right now. Even though she's going through the horrible late teen years, she's still noticing how hard you're trying to help her.

In our situation, Mike is the one Corinne comes to when she needs "Dad stuff". Her real dad is more of a playmate for her. It may take awhile to come back to you but kids do eventually figure out who the REAL parents are, whether they are biological or not. Hold on to that and be patient, ok? Your actions now will come back to you tenfold when your daughter matures enough to realize what's what.

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by E-Double on Feb 6^th, 2007, 8:07pm

you're a good man.
I'm close with my pop though i will always feel like the "red headed stepchild"...i'm 33 and he is remarried over 30 yrs and has always been a part of my life yet i always to this day feel left out.

good for you and just be the best daddy you can.
my step sister who is the same age as me has always called my father Daddy because that is what he is to her.

all good

best to you

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by ShariRae on Feb 6^th, 2007, 9:52pm

Matt,
You know in your gut you were tryin to do whats best for her..and him...if he doesnt see that..it is indeed his loss..and yanno what? He is missin out on a great relationship that you already know..cherish it..for he doesn't seem to want to.I was in the boat when i was her age that your stepdaughter is in..and believe me she knows the score...and what a great stepdad you are.
Much Love
Shari

Title: Re: Absentee dads?
Post by Charlotte on Feb 6^th, 2007, 9:59pm

Mattrf, don't try to help him. just let him stumble around. He will either bond or not bond with her.

Even if he never succeeds in bonding better, at least he expressed the desire to. That is something. Many Dads fail to even desire a better relationship.

Try not to judge him and try to keep your distance. He will naturally be jealous of you since you know his daughter and he does not.

Good luck, Matt. I agree, you are a good man.

Charlotte