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Title: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mattrf on Dec 28th, 2006, 1:35pm What next, I have gone from praying to god to end my cycle to praying for him to end my life. I no longer feel there is anything in my life that brings me any happiness not even the smile from my little girl makes me smile anymore. My wife is tired of all the crap she puts up with from me and even told me I was a woos for not putting up with my pain better. I don’t blame her, she has put up with a lot of crap from me in the last year while I have been in this SUNCT cycle, but it really hurt to hear her say it to my face. I have tried to get her to sign up here to get support for herself and to better understand what I am going through but she says it scares here enough and thinks reading about all the others here going through all this pain would freak her out even more. I don’t feel like I have anyone that I can open up to and tell how I am really feeling and even doing it here, I fear that there will be those that will take this as an opportunity to put someone down that is already down, and we all know who those people are and they know who they are as well so if you are one of them do me a favor and just keep your comments to yourself because I really do not need the extra aggravation right now. I just don’t know what to do any more I am so down right now, I did start taking antidepressants again but it will take a week for it to build up and start helping. I don’t want anyone to worry, I am not about to hurt myself, I have watched way to many Law and Orders on TV to think that I could do it and get the insurance company to pay my life insurance to my wife, they would figure out that I did it and not pay then my wife and kids would be financially destitute along with not having me in there lives and I could not do that to them. I just feel right now that everyone would be better off if I was dead including me. On the 16th my doctor is going to do a ladicain drip on me so maybe I will get lucky and it will break my cycle but if it doesn’t and this continues, then what? Will I be chronic am I already? Will I have to live with the constant pain that is SUNCT? I am not sure how I would be able to find a way to deal with this amount of constant pain and have a life worth living. I never thought I could sink so low and be in such a place. Matt |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by eddie on Dec 28th, 2006, 1:45pm you got it |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by brewcrew on Dec 28th, 2006, 1:50pm Matt - We are all praying for you. Just keep telling yourself, over and over, "Just let me make it through today." It helped my wife immensely when she was caring for her dying father. Bill |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by E-Double on Dec 28th, 2006, 1:53pm Hang in there brother! |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by JeffB on Dec 28th, 2006, 1:56pm Keep your chin up brother. You'll get through this and it will make you stronger than you already are. Hang in there, man! |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by kcopelin on Dec 28th, 2006, 2:07pm Praying for ya Matt. PFDAN kathy |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by tanner on Dec 28th, 2006, 2:12pm Matt, I am very glad that I logged back in before heading to the woods for a sanity break. You know that you can count on me for support anytime day or night. I know where you are coming from. I don't get PF periods in between hits and havn't for 20 years. I have recently been trying to talk the love of my life who has put up with me for 35 yrs and CH for 20 and now non work status for almost 2 because of a back injury, into moving to Vegas to be close to her Mom. Something she would love to do, but she see's right through that ploy. The world would not be a better place without you! If you believe in any kind of a universal being then YOU would not be better off either. I don't know the ramifications of sunct as well as I should but I have made a pact with some beautiful people on this site to never give up or in. I am going through a complete detox at the moment in anticipation of a go at alternatives. I even threw in the cigarettes since I figured S#it is so bad I probobly won't even notice them gone. I have to get out in the air just now, but please Matt you know the saying "take what you need and leave the rest". We have each others emails, you have my phone# and if you call or PM me I will give you my cell! Take care and take <<<<<<vibes>>>>>> Your friend, Tim |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by tanner on Dec 28th, 2006, 2:14pm Look at that Matt, in the time it took me to post my message you heard from 5 people including one that I have that pact with. You are not alone ;) ;) Tim |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by JeffB on Dec 28th, 2006, 2:30pm Tim, You want to move to Vegas to be closer to your mother in law???? Were you a Navy Seal or somethin? You still got my info, Matt? |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by tanner on Dec 28th, 2006, 3:08pm on 12/28/06 at 14:30:04, JeffB wrote:
Jeff, I adore my Mother in Law but no the idea was for Linda to move while I stayed here to finish up with medical issues. It would take several million to get me to move to that waste land! I do like 3/4 day visits though ;;D.....Tim OK back out....man i hope none of the yokels shoot me while I'm am stumbling around in their kudzu jungles ::) |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Cathi04 on Dec 28th, 2006, 3:15pm Matt, It looks like the boys have you well in hand, but, from a woman's perspective.. Dear Mrs Matt, It's hard, I know, to deal daily with the beast and what it does to your man, but, imagine life without him.......orr, if that's not possible, imagine what YOU would need from HIM if the tables were turned. Matt hasn't asked for this. He would MUCH prefer to live without CH or SUNCT or anything that disturbs his life with you....and IT IS that painful!!! Really! Please ask yourself this: If you were diagnosed with some horrendously debilitating disease, what would he do??? Love does not stop because of a disease. It DOES challenge love, but, it can cause a love to reacher a deeper, richer level. We're all here to help BOTH of you deal. We can't make it go away, but it does soo help to vent sometimes. Big Hugs to you both, Cathi :-/ |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Guiseppi on Dec 28th, 2006, 3:36pm You're in my families nightly prayers. Guiseppi |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Charlotte on Dec 28th, 2006, 3:56pm I will be praying for you and your family, Matt. I respect your wife's wishes not to be involved in the board. It is enough to deal with it first hand. I will be praying for her. May I ask her name? Charlotte |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by drap on Dec 28th, 2006, 4:53pm God bless Matt and all kinds of vibes your way for you. Drap |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by aprilbee on Dec 28th, 2006, 4:55pm Sorry you feel so alone...we've all been there man.... that's what this board is for right? Keep hanging tough my thoughts and prayers and smiles with you my friend! :) |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mattrf on Dec 28th, 2006, 5:40pm on 12/28/06 at 15:56:09, Charlotte wrote:
Robin Thanks everyone for the support and vibes. Matt |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mrs Deej on Dec 28th, 2006, 9:23pm Matt, :-* ...all I got sweetie!! |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Dec 28th, 2006, 9:29pm Hang in there, Matt. Lots of us are praying for you at this time. I'm sorry Robin is having such a tough time of it but to be honest, I'm not sure how any of the supporters manage to do it at all. It's one of the hardest things that life can throw at anyone - to watch someone you love be in god awful pain and be totally helpless to take it away. Carol |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mattrf on Dec 28th, 2006, 10:44pm Just want to thank everyone for all the support here and all the positive PM’s I got today. You guys are the best. Matt |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mattrf on Dec 29th, 2006, 12:44am So now as I am feeling a little better my 17 year old daughter decides to go toe too toe with her mom and they wind up in a bit of a fist fight. All we wanted to do was have a little family talk about her behavior and she leans into her mom’s face and says F*^* You! Three time in a row so my wife slapped her for it and it was on. My 8 year old is crying and screaming and I try to keep her from hitting her mom again and she tries to take a chunk out of my arm, lucky for me I move fast or I would probably need stitches. She closed fisted my wife several times, I was in the other room trying to console my younger daughter and stay out of there fight, being the step dad if I got involved she would hate me for life and all though she can be a total bitch she is still my daughter and I love her but dam what the hell do you do? She at the grandma’s house now, not sure for how long, and on top of that I was out of 7/7 and had to go to the store because dam do I need this drink right now! Just when you think it can’t get any worse. Matt |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Charlie on Dec 29th, 2006, 1:42am Geeze, Matt. You have a right to be depressed after this but come here and rant. It's the best advice I can give. Hang Matt Charlie |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by sandie99 on Dec 29th, 2006, 5:35am Matt, I have only positive vibes to send and they are on their way. Hugs, Sanna |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by B14CK5H33P on Dec 29th, 2006, 6:38am Bigtime vibes going out that things get better. Peace, Carl D |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Mattrf on Feb 6th, 2007, 1:19pm It is amazing what a couple weeks can do, I am no longer depressed even though I am still in pain. I found myself thinking about leaving my wife and kids, I had convinced myself that I was fed up with my wife and both daughters and just wanted out. After about a week of thinking nonstop about the logistics of a divorce I remembered the promise I made my wife, that no matter how bad things ever got that I would do whatever it took to fix it. I just got really pissed at myself for even thinking about this and I guess that was what I needed to fight my way out of the depression and it worked, I am feeling so much better now and can smile again even if my head hurts. I was talking to my mother-in-law yesterday and she told me she had no idea how I was able to put up with everything that has happened with my wife and my older daughter and my HA’s and not walked out, she said she would not have blamed me for walking away from it all and that she thought I was the strongest person she has ever known and thanks god for her daughter finding me because any other man would have left her by now. I was talking to my wife last night and she brought it up as well and said how lucky she was to have me and that she was also amazed that I have stuck it out. I guess I am as well, I have been through so much pain in the last four years and also dealt with my wife and all the pain she has dealt with and an out of control teenager and that is one hell of a plate full to have, let me tell you. I am actually proud of myself for being strong enough to hang in there when so many men would have walked, my closest friends have told me they would have walked a long time ago, but I love my wife and my kids and cannot imagine life without them and that is why I am still here. I think people give up on marriage to easy these days and treat it like it is disposable, I wanted to do it once and do it right and I think I did just that. Matt |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by fubar on Feb 6th, 2007, 1:48pm It is a promise to her, to yourself, and to your God. Thank you for remembering that. We have a lot of good reasons to divorce. I had one of those marriages that had to be put down, but the fact is, you made a promise. I am remarried, and I will be married this time until I am dead. Period. -Fu |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by Turts on Feb 6th, 2007, 2:00pm glad to hear your coin has landed on the other side. I just happen to be listening to U2 "all that you cant leave behind" as i write this. "Stuck in a Moment" just seems to ring so true to CHers. ya stuck but you will get thru "its just a moment/this time will pass!. sending you nothing but positives mate to keep propelling you forward! Turts |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by midwestbeth on Feb 6th, 2007, 3:03pm Matt, Positive vibes to you and your family. I too feel as if I have had a severe depression lifted from me just this past week. Depression fogs your ability to make sound decisions. I feel I can clearly think for the 1st time in over a year. I have had tremendous support from my family and friends and I do not know how they ever put up with me (because they love me). As I'm sure your family loves you. It sounds like you are turning everything around and I'm very happy for you and your family. I can relate to the two teenage daughters, mine are 14 & 16. Count to 10, take deep breaths & step back before speaking or acting if possible. Sometimes teenagers immaturity and impulsiveness prevents them from having any perspective beyond themselves. Good Luck. I really mean that in a possitive and hopefully helpful way. Keep positive thoughts. Never give up. Wishing you PFDAN Always, Beth |
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Title: Re: I need vibes but just posative ones please. Post by thebbz on Feb 6th, 2007, 3:55pm ;) Careful what you wish for Fu! Glad your making the right choices Matt. all the best to all the best jb |
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