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        New Message Board Archives >> 2006 General Board Posts >> Sunday message
        
(Message started by: sandie99 on Oct 29^th, 2006, 1:57pm)

Title: Sunday message
Post by sandie99 on Oct 29^th, 2006, 1:57pm

I told you earlier about my family drama...

...how mum freaked out when she heard that my boyfriend cannot join us for lunch today. How my family will never forgive him for not coming and how terrible, inconsiderate person he is... and then, on Thursday evening, she, 62-year-old who tells me never to swear (which I rarely do) told me to f*** off. how nice to hear that. nobody has said that to me before and to be honest, I never thought that she will say those words out loud. ever.

And the funniest thing in this whole incident is that when the quests arrived, all 7 of them (one of my cousins' partner didn't make it - he was at a housewarming party at jyväskylä, where I live and study and where my boyfriend lives), none of them paid any attention to the fact that my boyfriend was not there! And only my aunt knew that in advance. nobody asked about it, so the huge disaster my mum predicted excisted only inside her mind.

But I learned a lot about this. I know now for sure that mum indeed doesn't care about me nor my feelings, she cares only about how everything looks on the outside - she said that out loud! She was afraid that she will feel embarrased... On my opinion she has plenty to be embarrased about, but those moments took place before the lunch. In fact, she should apologize for her behaviour, but there's no chance to that in this lifetime.

I've learned that there's a lot of anger inside on me, which I need to deal with and i will start that process as soon as I return to jyväskylä on tuesday. I don't want that anger to hurt myself nor my closeones. But in a way it's a relief; I've always had a problem with getting angry. Well, I've got that sorted! I'm angry enough for many.

I've also realised that how much different relationship I have with my best supporter than what my mum must have had with my father. mum wants me to change many things in my partner and I won't. that's not what real love is all about. maybe I am naive, but that's how I believe. mum also confirmed what i have always known in some level: she doesn't love me; she loves that woman she believes she can turn me into. too bad that I'm not a puppet on a string but a woman with my own heart and mind.

I got hit twice today. once an hour before the lunch and for the second time about an hour and a half after the quests left. this time I just simply walked to the kitchen, got the energy drink, got some ice and got rid of them. I was too tired to care, panic or worry.

Now, looking back, it was bit odd that during those 4 hours we had quests, none of them asked me any questions about anything. I suppose I could have had a kip 10 and nobody would have noticed! [smiley=laugh.gif] Why this didn't happen when I wanted to be left alone...? Apparently, when you do ask enough of questions, people forget to ask you any. Still, it feels bit odd, especially, when I haven't seen any of them in months. but that's life. and that's family.

I hope that your Sunday has been a great one and as PF as possible! :)

best wishes,
Sanna

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by alchemy on Oct 29^th, 2006, 2:07pm

Sanna i know how it is with family issues and the anger it creates. i'm working on that also. i hope you can find peace within yourself and a proper place for your anger.

peace
jim

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by andrewjb on Oct 29^th, 2006, 6:11pm

:). sanna, you get to choose your friends. family, youve got to live with. PF wishes, andrew.

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by Mrs Deej on Oct 30^th, 2006, 1:40am

Sanna,

You and I could sit and talk for hours...wanna come by for coffee?!?! ;;D

Wish you were closer...let me know if you ever need to talk things out, bitch, vent, whatever it may be...I'm there for ya sister!!

Remember: #1...it's your life, not hers #2...you control your destiny...not her #3...do what makes you happy...not her

.....been here, done that!!! ;)

Love ya darlin...let me know if I can help!

:-*
Steph

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by Shaz on Oct 30^th, 2006, 10:43am

Sanna

So glad you have come on here and had a good vent about your Mum. It must have really hurt you and it is so much better to get things off your chest.... You just carry on being the person you are and enjoy your partner. Its your life not hers.

Lots of love to you.

Shaz :-*

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by rickyshot on Oct 30^th, 2006, 11:38am

Family has such the power to hurt. Being that mom is 62 years old , she ain't likely to change. You all have had this dynamic for years obviously and now you will have to set the new pace in dealing with her. Just keep it respectful on your end and state calmly how you will live your life then just do it.

I feel emotional about all this because it was the sixth annviversary of my mothers death yesterday and I miss her so much.

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by drivin_blind on Oct 30^th, 2006, 11:40am

Sanna, I had a similar relationship with my father. But it took me 40 odd years to finally realize that it wasn't my problem but his. Easy to say. Very hard to finally convince yourself. We all tell ourselves we will never treat our children/spouses that way. Trust me, unless you take a second, EVERY TIME BEFORE YOU REACT, you will be doomed to repeat that same behavior. As I said, easy to say, hard to follow through the rest of your life. Trust me, I work with people with basically, learned "Criminal" behavior daily. That doesn't mean my heart doesn't go out to you. My idea of HELL, is reliving my childhood and teenage years. Dick

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by sandie99 on Oct 31^st, 2006, 1:53pm

Thank you all for your responses. It was good to get all that out!

When my boyfriend came to Helsinki and he and mum talked ealier today, she was her normal self. The only refrence to Sunday was that she said to him that he was "missed" on Sunday's lunch. So I was, once again, the one who faced all the BS. Luckily not much and hopefully that was it.

Steph, I might take that offer for coffee one of these days. Like when I'm in the same state! ;;D It might take a while though, but I bet that we can nicely chat for hours.

Ricky, you're right - I don't count on mum to change her behaviour. But I can choose not to care. I'm so sorry that you lost your mum 6 years ago... [smiley=hug.gif]. My boyfriend's mum passed away 6 years ago also, on November 11th. We actually talked about that this morning.

This very minute I find it feels strange that any of that took place. But in a way I'm glad that it did. I found out that I'm hell of a lot stronger what comes to mum and it's not a bad discovery.

PF wishes,
Sanna

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by Charlotte on Oct 31^st, 2006, 2:13pm

Sanna, I hope you will forgive your mom. People do get vicious when they don't get their way. You may be right that she loves an image and not you, the person, but that is her loss. No one is perfect and we can only do our best. My mom is gone now, but she had a vicious streak also and was very insecure, so I know what you're going through there.

I had several experiences of getting hit at restaurants or parties where no one even noticed, also. Now, I'm not concerned about getting embarassed in public.

Title: Re: Sunday message
Post by sandie99 on Oct 31^st, 2006, 3:25pm

Charlotte,
I have forgiven mum, I just don't understand her outburst nor forget them. But I will not let any of those things get in to my way of being happy and enjoying life. I've done my part and now I move on.

Actually all that anger vanished as I typed this thread and my week has been great so far! And no hits, which is great. :)

Sanna