|
||
|
Title: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Sep 30th, 2006, 2:48am I'm fucked up beyond all recognition emotionally!!! I had an event I won;t go into detail about, and will keep this brief as I can. I'll be up all fucking night again trying to sort through the fucking rollercoaster ride of the last two days. Clusters slacked up and only upside is I had 3 attacks thurs and one fri... shadowing hard.... been shadowing hard and about to lose it since 9pm. First off, no sleep but 40 minutes between tuesday morning until I collapsed in my apartment today. I started getting heart palpitations, shortness of breath about 6:45am and called my boss at 7:10 to let him know what was going on and if it got worse I was going to the hospital. Shortly after hanging up the phone I couldn't breathe, and felt that old familiar numb tingly sensation rush over my body and... Woke up 2 hours later in an attack. Did a Trex nasal and called my boss to let him know I was on my way. Got out the door, still exhausted and out of it... even almost took the wrong bus! Went to work, was slap-happy all day and cracking jokes, and amping on the good news of the new band gig and getting my own sattellite radio show once a week. Then was contacted today by a friend I met on myspace named Ed who is a comedian who does a program called "Ed-E-Torial" and he enjoyed some of my funny blogs and asked me to contribute some vid clips of myself doing comedy for his show. Been focusing on all the good stuff, and in denial about the fact I am worn out and rundown, and October isn't here yet!!! Tonight, I talked to my cousin. Besides my oldest brother and his fam, this is my closest relative. This kid idolized me growing up, and I was the reason he started playing guitar. he has been diabetic since childhood (runs in our fam) and did alot of drugs for years. He was hit on his cycle by a drunk driver, an has had 37 leg surgeries... the dude has been through hell! He was a wild little fucker who used to piss me off alot, but in many ways is the little brother I never had. He told me tonight he has had problems, and had various tests done. Yesterday he got the results. He has had major complications from diabetes, and the doc told him he didn't want to scare him, but he needed to know since he has a family. His heart is failing and will give out within 3 years. His kidneys are both failing and will give out within a year. His son turns 1 next month, and the same day he gets this news, they find out his wife is pregnant with his second child. He is 25 years old. He goes into the hospital tomorrow for some treatments, and I held it together best I could on the phone with him. Right now though I feel as if someone has just suckerpunched and knocked the wind out of me. I know I won't sleep tonight again, as I am shadowing and my leg... yeah, blah blah blah. Fuckit! I've bitched about that enough by now. I'm pissed, heartbroken, crushed, scared and lost at the moment. 24 hours ago I was on top of the world. Hours later I thought I was having a heart attack. I laughed it off all day and made everyone else laugh, and then get this news. It is one thing to be manic depressive, and quite another to not be yet have things that throw you into that state. Sorry for unloading this here. I try to reserve the heaviest shit for my journal so no one else deals with it anymore here, but this is too heavy even for my online journal, and there is no one to talk to at this hour. And if someone is gonna fucking bitch that I am pissing and whining, go piss in someone else's cheerios because by bowl is already overflowing. Overwhelmed, Carl |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Kirk on Sep 30th, 2006, 3:14am Its what I'm here for. Please be well. [smiley=smokin.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by BMoneeTheMoneeMan on Sep 30th, 2006, 3:21am Sorry Man, We are here for you, you dont have to be sorry. Vent all you want. Vibes to ya, man. B$ |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Batch on Sep 30th, 2006, 3:37am Carl, MegaVibes & Max Prayers heading your way non-stop. Give Neurontin a thought when things stop spinning and the beast gives you get a chance to decompress. Pulling for you... Batch |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by sandie99 on Sep 30th, 2006, 3:52am Carl, I'm so sorry... for all of this.[smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] It's heart-breaking to hear about your cousin... I have a cousin like that, who is as dear and close, like a kid sister to me. :'( Lots of vibes & prayers are on their way for you, your cousin and his family. Best wishes, Sanna |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Sep 30th, 2006, 4:20am Did everything I can to get all of this out of my mind but kinda hard. I am getting a puppy on tuesday (been waiting weeks) and excited about having a companion (I got the pick of the litter and know how to spot the 'smart' ones). I find out tonight that a friend is escaping her hubby and a bad scene and coming to Granite in a week and a half. I offered my door to her in the past and in my book - if you open a door, it does NOT close regardless of circumstance. I told her that she and her son can have my bed upstairs, and am in search of a recliner right now as I just have this uncomfortable sob loveseat, and sleep better sitting up anyways (hard to explain.) This is one of my best friends though, and we have seen each other through some rough times, and I cannot leave her hanging. What does it say to you when a 3 year old takes 3 hard boiled eggs, draws mommy, daddy and baby, and takes daddy egg and smashes baby egg? FUCK ALL THAT! I have been hit with this the last couple of hours as well. Tried to meditate for a bit, but can't snap out of it. All I want right now is sleep. Just a few hours. Something more than just one or two. I am coherent, but finding it harder to function. If this continues... I will be fucked for work next week and I CANNOT lose this job. My boss has been very considerate, encouraging and accomodating having known me for years and knowing what i go through. He once saw me in a hardcore attack working together years and years ago and said "You don;t have to cry about it" and it enraged me. But I know him, and knew he was using is 'coping mechanism' for seeing me in that condition. I have told him over the years though how close I came to clocking him. Oh sure he could take me out, but I'd a clocked him. I've known this guy for about 25 years now. He went from over 300 lbs down to just under 200lb, and inspired me to get into better shape. Thus, I use his equipment to work out. He is also my UFC partner (wrestling is for pansies) and has inspired me to fight any obstacle. In short, not only is he my boss, but one of my best friends. In life you have only enough true best friends to count on one hand, and he has been one. I'll take quality over quantity anyday!!! SLEEP, WHERE ARE YOU BITCH? Carl *before I had a wreck on the track of train of thought, I was gonna mention neurontin was one of the drugs (meds?) that had major side effects that never went away and I stopped using in 2000. Stopped using. That sounds so Sid Viscous for a week! |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by jon019 on Sep 30th, 2006, 4:44am Hang in there Carl. Screw the beast! What's the pup's name gonna be? I know you will come up with something creative. Thinkin' good thoughts for you and yours, Jon |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Sep 30th, 2006, 5:23am on 09/30/06 at 04:44:39, jon019 wrote:
Right now, The beast isn't my greatest fear. Fuck him and the horse he jacked off on! I've lived with it for 19 years... it's my ticker that has me concerned. Ya know, I struggled with a name for him. The owner yesterday asked me what I wanted to name him, so he could start calling him by his name. I thought long and hard... Since he is almost pure black lab, I have named him "Black Zombie"... and will refer to him as Blackie or Zombie (they call him Zombie now.) I have a bit of experience in Shutzen training, and am loving the fact that when I pick him up he will be 10 weeks old. Much easier to train a puppy than an old dog, though it can be done. Zombie is already housebroken too, and I got the pick of the litter!!! I've always wanted a wolf though. they get a bad name, but if you get a wolf cub and raise it right... they are the coolest animals in the fucking world! A friend back in the day in MI had a farm with horses, chickens and everything... and a wolf named Woo. Full blooded, comfortable around other animals and probably the coolest animal KI ever laid eyes on. Since then been a wolf lover and also a member of www.savethewolves.org. A wolf stands its ground. A dog is very faithful. A wolf can be ever more so. If raised right, a full blooded wolf can be the best!!! You have to get them as cubs though. 8) |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Fredmyyster on Sep 30th, 2006, 5:53am The mental and physical pain keeps knocking ya down but , you keep getting back up.... youz a badd menz and dont you forget it ! Hang in there bro..... |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by kayarr on Sep 30th, 2006, 7:28am Carl, go get that ticker checked out. My clusterhead had what we call an "event" a couple years ago and it presented itself as short of breath and dizzy. It started a couple months before. Fortunately I was out of town taking care of his Mom when a guy at work asked his if he wanted me to find him at home dead? He went in, had a stent put in and now he is fine. No damage! Get it checked out! Love ya, Kimberly |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Sep 30th, 2006, 8:00am I am calling Monday to try and get my doc appt pushed up. My last couploe of workout attempts I had problems, and after yesterday mornings episode... I want a stress test done! I know that the sleep deprivation alone has taken years off of my life... not to mention I started smoking both pot and cigs at age 10, and live in a refinery town where it rains metal particles annually (not joking on that) and already have emphysema at 36. I've known for awhile my life will not be a long one. Ask those close to me and they have seen what is happening. Right now though that realization has motivated me to do everything I can to leave my mark on this crush velvet earth before I am gone. Not being morbid, just a realist. Since yesterdays episode I have been up 20 hours and don't need alcohol to feel drunk. Had a good talk with the Myster this morning, and am about to attempt sleep. I beg for it right now. Doing everything I can to not think about my cuz's situation. One thing I have decided on though - I know my kidneys are not that great from all the meds over the years, but I am ready to step up and give him my best one. He has kids - I don't. His kidneys will give out in a year. If I can extend that to more with one of my own... I will do it. I thought about this all night long. With all of the shit I have survived... I'll take the chance of existing off of one glaxosmithkilnebeechamwellcam of a fuck fested kidney. So, he enters the hospital today, and I will be enquiring about donation candidacy and testing for a match. I look at it this way: My life should already be over. if I can help to prolong someone's dads life... Just how I feel right now. |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Fredmyyster on Sep 30th, 2006, 8:13am Kewl hollerin atcha this a m Carl. Aint laffed that hard that early in a long time ! Now git yo' ass to that chair and get some much needed sleep ! Layte ! |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Sep 30th, 2006, 8:19am on 09/30/06 at 08:13:29, Fredmyyster wrote:
Thanks for providing the ear. I know i am a rambling fool right now, but hey - it doesn't change the price of tea in china. Unfortunately we don't live in China and pay a bit more for our tea. Maybe British tea would hit the spot aye mate? |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Jasmyn on Sep 30th, 2006, 8:47am [smiley=hug.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by BB on Oct 1st, 2006, 12:20am Hi Carl, Somehow I got on this ride also alongside my DH and initially it scared me shitless and we both wanted off badly. DH lost his job as for the last 9 weeks since his cluster started he couldnt work. This has more than crushed his spirit. I floundered along trying to play mommy and daddy and doctor and nurse and bread winner all at once. Still couldnt get off this ride! Today I couldnt go to work because I am just so tired both physically and mentally. So I have been sitting here reading all the threads on the Board. Then I came across your thread. Then I realise I dont want to get off this ride. I want to be here for my DH, for you, for all of my friends here with CHs. If you in the midst of your pain can still be there for your cousin and your lady friend, I without physical pain should not even think about getting off this ride. Hang in there Carl! You have already left a legacy in my heart as to what love and care and pain really mean in this life and world. Sometimes there is nothing we can do but standby feeling utterly helpless but at least we are standing by. God bless you and God bless your loved ones. Hugs. Annette |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Fredmyyster on Oct 1st, 2006, 1:00am That is so profound... Unique ! ..... |
||
|
Title: Re: STOP THIS RIDE! I WANT OFF!!! Post by Carl_D on Oct 1st, 2006, 4:13am :'( God bless you and yours as well Annette. I've done as much as I could today (tonight?) to try and push everything into the back of my mind. Gonna try to meditate for a bit and try again for sleep. If I dont'; sleep soon, might go to the hospital. I hope you get some rest as well. Clusters may be the worst physical pain, but I think seing someone you love go through it is the emotional equivialnt. Peace and [smiley=hug.gif] to everyone. carl |
||
|
Clusterheadaches.com Message Board » Powered by YaBB 1 Gold - SP 1.3.1! YaBB © 2000-2003. All Rights Reserved. |