Clusterheadaches.com Message Board


    
      
        Clusterheadaches.com Message Board
        (http://www.clusterheadaches.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi)
      

        New Message Board Archives >> 2006 General Board Posts >> Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
        
(Message started by: Mattrf on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:10am)

Title: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:10am

Ok so three and a half years ago my daughter started High School and wanted to be on the cheer team, so she made the team only to find out they sucked really bad and she had been on a competition team the year before but it got to expensive for us.
My wife stepped up and started helping with the coaching of the team that first year and they did get better, the next year the school was ready to let it die since the coach quit so again my wife stepped up so there would be a team for our daughter to be on. Last year they went to nationals and took second place, so this year all of a sudden my daughter decides she hates her mom and quits the team, so my wife says she will also quit and my daughter screams you can’t. WTF does she think my wife is doing it for?
My wife’s hart is broken, she put so much into this for our daughter and she literally does not give a shit about it or her mom’s feelings, my wife cried for three days straight.
The stunting coach that my wife hired is stepping up to coach the team and my wife is only going to be a adviser to finish out the contract with the school and the stunting coach was able to talk our daughter into staying on the team, witch relieved my wife but her hart is still broken and our daughter still could care less. She has also taken to lying and is mean to everyone around her and this happened in the last six months, before that she was the nicest girl and almost never lied, oh and she really sucks at lying so it is easy to tell. She also acts like she is entitled and should just have everything handed to her and we don’t know where the hell that came from, we have always been very involved in her life and tried to instill proper morals in her and she still goes to church every weekend and teaches the kindergarteners so she still does some good things but the cold look on her face when I told her she broke her mothers hart will never leave me.
So are all teenage girls this mean and unfeeling?

Matt

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Melissa on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:17am

Unfortunately, many are Matt. I know I was when I was that young. :-[

It takes time for maturity, and to understand the love of a parent. Sounds like your daughter is going through the lovely rebellion stage. I'm very sorry.

hugs,
mel

BTW, it WON'T last forever and the morals you instilled in her will stay with her, they just won't be apparent for awhile. Teenagehood SUCKS and I am NOT looking foward to it with my own daughter! (she'll be 12 next month)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by JeffB on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:23am

Tough situation brother. Teens never appreciate how good they have it.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by zwibbs/Scott on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:54am

Matt-- It really does get better. My daughter is now 19 and matured extremely well. HOWEVER from the age of 14---to---18 she was a terror. She would act as if my wife and I were a total embarassment to her. When I went to her first teacher-parent high school meeting the head of the school ( a Nun ) told all the parents that they would see the transition from a teenage girl into a young Lady. I have to admit --she was 100% correct. Stay strong and remember that it will get much, much better.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by TxBasslady on Sep 19^th, 2006, 11:59am

on 09/19/06 at 11:10:17, Mattrf wrote:

So are all teenage girls this mean and unfeeling?

Not all are like this....but it seems to be a phase nowdays.

To some teenagers, hearts are expendable. They get their priorities outta whack, and it seems that the parents are the one's who get hurt.

I was a teenager once.....many moons ago. In my generation, this sort of conduct was absolutely forbidden. My Dad was from the old school....and it was clear, yes crystal clear what was expected.

Alot of teenagers today are very much influenced by the company they keep.

She'll come around...she'll realize what she's done...

Noone can ever hurt you more than your child can.

Jean

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by TxBasslady on Sep 19^th, 2006, 12:03pm

;;D LOL

Did ya know...."Gray hair is hereditary? We get it from our kids" !!!... :-*

Jean

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by vietvet2tours on Sep 19^th, 2006, 12:31pm

It's how they break away my friend.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by imnotbub on Sep 19^th, 2006, 12:59pm

I have one son that is just emerging from the other side, but not quite, and another just heading in. It truly blows, but it definately ends. Be patient.

Steve

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by cootie on Sep 19^th, 2006, 1:39pm

Yup....vietvet is correct-a-mundo.....it is PART of the weaning process for kids to 'get a mind of there own'.....even if it is a bad one. It is still part of the learning process of attempting just that and learning the ropes and what works and doesn't work......and the lieing even tho I HATE a serious lier is sort of part of the drill....they basically are learning what works as far as 'rite or wrong answer' at the apporpriate times to get what they want or get out of what they did. Did that make sense ?? I envy the shit out of people that have kids that don't do all that and stay CLOSEST friends and of course wouldn't lie to a best friend syndrone relationship. But when kids wanna do OTHER things they try to "learn" to get it one way or the other. And the more they lie the worse they seem to get for a while at least. Then they grow up to be good responsible adults and leave us LESS for the wear and tear !! I'm still not over all the crap my daughter did when at home (and then sum) and she is in her early 30's !!!! I think if it is possible it'd be best to TALK out lies and find out what caused them and discuss it big time but most don't have time to keep doin that. The lies come faster then the truth Pam

Kids are born greedy.......but then they are basically given a home and food and stuff and whatever they want in alot of cases.....they have to LEARN to care and learn NOT to be selfish.....that is probly there hardest job !!

Opps......a big I'm sorry to vietvet.....I thought one name and typed in anuther......got it fixed tho !! Sorry again !! :-*

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by rickyshot on Sep 19^th, 2006, 1:56pm

Honey you got it good. Yeah most teens are that way. They get empathy in their 20's again. Believe me you will see it and weep for joy. I raised 3 by myself and my daughter was worse than the 2 boys put together. She got outlaw tatooted on her arm. Does that tell you anything?

This generation has a big sense of entitlement and go crazy when the world does not agree with them. They are not prepared for real life, thanks to a million different reasons.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by sandie99 on Sep 19^th, 2006, 3:25pm

Well... I wasn't. I kept my emotions inside and that was probably easier to my parents, but harder for me. :-/

Sanna

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by The mad viking on Sep 19^th, 2006, 3:35pm

on 09/19/06 at 12:03:47, TxBasslady wrote:

;;D LOL

Did ya know...."Gray hair is hereditary? We get it from our kids" !!!... :-*

Jean

Thanks for the tip Jean

Have said it all the time that all my grey hair is bc my sons .
Somehow Bente wont agree with me there

Svenn

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Daddys_Devil on Sep 19^th, 2006, 3:38pm

Sorry for the truobles Matt. We're not all bad. Yeah we have our off days but once they're over things are back to normal. No offence but sounds like your kid needs to be givin some tough love. Next time she wants to go some where tell her no. Let her know that you're still in charge while she's living under your roof. After about a week of that, even the toughest of kids will break. Trust me. I know it seems harsh but some times it has to be done. Just make sure she knows why you're doing it and that she is still loved.

Always,
Felicia 8)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Daddys_Devil on Sep 19^th, 2006, 3:40pm

OMG!!! I just sounded like my father! AAAAHHHH!!! [smiley=oops.gif]

Always,
Felicia 8)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 19^th, 2006, 4:34pm

on 09/19/06 at 15:40:17, Daddys_Devil wrote:

OMG!!! I just sounded like my father! AAAAHHHH!!! [smiley=oops.gif]

Always,
Felicia 8)

Oh yes the senior moment.
I say that a lot now and hate it every time.
[smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mrs_R on Sep 19^th, 2006, 4:41pm

My son is 17 so I am still going through it, and am a single parent - oh to be 17 again and to know it all!!! To be fair he is beginning to have the odd 'human' day, which keeps me hoping that eventually I will get my son back lol!!!

Kids send you to the extreme's of emotion - but you just have to keep loving them!

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by no-one on Sep 19^th, 2006, 4:45pm

Felicia----- [smiley=smug.gif]

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Sandy_C on Sep 19^th, 2006, 4:49pm

Not all are, Matt, but unfortunately many are - including my oldest daughter. I had two girls, 23 months apart. They were little darlings for the most part - until the first one hit high school. The first year wasn't too bad, but starting her sophmore year, she became the biggest b***h you would every not want to know. Lied - constantly - and she wasn't very good at it either.

In her Junior year, her younger sister began her high school years. The oldest really got nasty then - at her own sister. They were the worst enemies and fought constantly. When the oldest left for college - life was good. Now, she's 30, married, home, career and she's a wonderful person.

Hang in and hang on, because it does get better.

Oh, and BTW, the younger daughter was much easier to handle because she saw what a mess her older sister had made and learned from it. She, too is a responsible adult now.

Sandy

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by georgej on Sep 19^th, 2006, 5:46pm

Mine's pretty okay so far, but she's still a teenager, with all that entails.

One of our closest friends was over for dinner the other day with her family. She's an education specialist, was a teacher for many years, and now is a consultant in education. She talked for quite a while about the new brain research that indicates that the prefrontal lobe--the portion of the brain that helps us to understand the consequences of our actions and enables us to "think things through"--isn't completely activated until our early twenties. The kids, of course, listened to all this with rapt attention.

Ever alert (as most teenagers are) to anything resembling a slight, a slander, or an opportunity, El's now taken to telling me--"I know that look. You're thinking that part of my brain is still offline".

She's right, too. Although I see occasional glimpses of the woman she'll be. She surprises me (pleasantly) sometimes.

Bottom line is--I think your daughter will come around. Give it time.

Best wishes,

George

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Guiseppi on Sep 19^th, 2006, 6:36pm

My girls are 22 and 20 now, angels in their own rights and the light of my life. But OMG the teen years! A lot of it is love, a lot of it is luck. Make sure there are no chemical issues, the sudden change worries me! Then hang on, survive the ride and wait till she comes out the other end of the ride and loves you again!

Guiseppi

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Sep 19^th, 2006, 9:19pm

In a word - YES! Will they grow out of it - again yes!

Hang in there it won't last forever and remember this Grandchildren are our best revenge! ;;D

Carol

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Charlotte on Sep 19^th, 2006, 9:58pm

I asked my daughter, 17, if all teenage girls were a pain in the ass, and she said, yes, all teenagers are a pain in the ass, then she said, "What! You think I'm a pain in the ASS!"

lol

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by georgej on Sep 19^th, 2006, 10:01pm

on 09/19/06 at 21:58:03, Charlotte wrote:

I asked my daughter, 17, if all teenage girls were a pain in the ass, and she said, yes, all teenagers are a pain in the ass, then she said, "What! You think I'm a pain in the ASS!"

lol

That's it exactly, Charlotte. Boy, is that familiar. [smiley=laugh.gif]

George

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by nani on Sep 19^th, 2006, 10:11pm

on 09/19/06 at 11:10:17, Mattrf wrote:

she literally does not give a shit about it or her mom’s feelings, my wife cried for three days straight.
her hart is still broken and our daughter still could care less. She has also taken to lying and is mean to everyone around her and this happened in the last six months, before that she was the nicest girl and almost never lied, oh and she really sucks at lying so it is easy to tell.

Some of that sounds normal, Matt. But if you notice a big personality change in a 6 month period, that could be a cause of some concern. Keep an eye on her. Has she changed friends? Has she stopped doing things she used to love? How are her grades?
These could be signs of trouble, so stay alert.
Already raised 2, raising 2 more...
my sympathies, LOL, nani

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mosaicwench on Sep 20^th, 2006, 10:34am

brew and I have a 14 year old boy (going on 35, but that's a different story). I can only imagine how bad girls are if 14 year old boys are this bad . . . .

I told him yesterday that if he didn't rejoin the human race very soon I would not be responsible for my actions . . . .

They want so badly to be adults but are still kids at heart, plus throw in a gallon or so of hormones and it's a wonder any of us make it to adulthood without our parents killing us.

My son did something similar to the cheerleading example. He encouraged me to become the Secretary of our Little League - BIG job, largest Little League in our state.

I got elected for a two year term and he then says he doesn't want to play ball anymore . . . . . my two year term ends on the 30th of this month and then I'm finally free.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 20^th, 2006, 12:20pm

I asker last night if she had looked into loans and grants for collage, she said she was going to start looking at it, my reply was well you better get started because next year at this time you will not be living here. She looked at me and said well mom said I had to live at home, I said if you don’t have a drastic change in the way you behave you will not be living in our house so you better start looking for money for collage. She told me she apologized to my wife, funny how they think they have done things they have not, I swear she has an inner voice that she thinks everyone can hear, my wife has said all but about three words to her since Friday and there was no apology from her since this started.
My wife had to go in front of the cheer team last night to tell them she was stepping back to an advisory roll and would not coach any more and it about killed her. She did find out that it was just the four girls that where on last years team that had been complaining about her lead by my daughter all the new girls did not have any problem with her. How soon they forget that they sucked three years ago and it was my wife who got them the respect they now have. They think she is to mean, well the stunting coach is taking over and this gal is very mean and will not take any shit from anyone so guess we will see how much they like that, my daughter did nothing but bitch about her when she was on the competition teem, guess she forgot about how much she did not like this gall four years ago.
I think it will take years for my daughter to make this right if even then and have no idea how long it will be for my wife and here to mend this fence but it makes my hart ache to see my wife in such pain and be unable to ease this pain.

Matt
:'(

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by JeffB on Sep 20^th, 2006, 12:54pm

Do what my folks did when I was being an ass at 18, have an Army recruiter wake her up on an early Saturday morning.
I still remember waking up and looking at this big green figure standing over me saying "we've got a pair of boots just for you". A few weeks later I was taking my second oath and waiting for a flight to San Diego to attend boot camp for the Navy.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 20^th, 2006, 1:25pm

on 09/20/06 at 12:54:31, JeffB wrote:

I did that on my own when I was 18, probably the best thing for me at the time but there was not a war going on and I was fairly confident there would not be. Don’t get me wrong if one had started I would have been proud to go defend this grate nation we are so privilege to live in, maybe we should have that required service thing it may make them all grow up a little faster.

Matt

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Tiannia on Sep 20^th, 2006, 2:17pm

I have to agree with Nano. If it has come about this quick, then comething else might be happeneing. I would talk to your family doctor about it and have her see the doc alone. See if he/she sees any concern. She might open up if it is not to Mom and Dad. My kidsa are not even close to this age. Mine are 5 yrs apart, so about the time I get one out the other will be starting. :-/ But I did work with troubled teens for years. There are many things that kids say that they really do not think about how it effects other people. and the response that they have is extreemly selfish. If they hut your wife, then she is thinking goo when I showed her. Basically tough love is a good thing. She is still in your house. You are legally responsible for her. So use that to the full extent that you can. Tell her that you love her and that you are concerned about her and that you feel it is best for her to stay at the house, until she can think about what is heppening around her and how she effects and is effected by that. Except to be told many things that are only meant to hurt you because she wants you to react. but dont. Simple stay calm and keep stressing that you love her.

Please take care.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by fubar on Sep 20^th, 2006, 5:04pm

They definitely change unless there is a solid foundation for their anger. How much they respect you at the end of it all is entirely up to you. Don't negotiate with ~~terrorists~~ teenagers. They'll lose respect for you.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Carl_D on Sep 20^th, 2006, 5:56pm

My niece is 15, and in less than a year went from miss clean cut, Avril Lavine & Kelly Clarkson and Boy Meets World to... Miss Goth, AFI, Horror movies and a smart ass attitude that won't quit.

I blame myself. When my bro and sis in law first got together, Becky HATED me. She thought I was the semi-antichrist or something. I walked up to her when she was pregnant, patted her tummy and told her, "You know how parents say 'I hope you have one just like ya'? Well, I hope you have one Just... Like.. Me!" She screamed and yelled at me...

...In fact, even though my sis in law is prolly my strongest supporter nowadays, she still yells at me for 'cursing' her. My niece cops an attitude with her mom all the time (Which pisses me off) and it scares me that she is alot like me when I was young because I know what I was doing at 15 ! :o
I was a brat, a rat, a burnout and learned the value of 'shocking adults' at a very early age. I cursed enough to make a sailor seem like a saint.

I have to say though, my niece does stay out of trouble and keep her nose clean. She just needs to learn to respect her mom.

Peace,
Carl D

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Pinkfloyd on Sep 21^st, 2006, 1:27pm

on 09/19/06 at 11:10:17, Mattrf wrote:

My wife’s hart is broken, she put so much into this for our daughter and she literally does not give a shit about it or her mom’s feelings, my wife cried for three days straight.

Sounds to me like your wife was getting more out of coaching than just doing it for your daughter. That would be normal. Coaching kids can be very fulfilling. Even when its not your kid. I spent 25 years coaching. The best years were the ones when I didn't have a kid on the team. I coached my son and my daughters.
Having your kid on a team that you are coaching is very taxing...on both. No matter how you may try to make things right and fair, you can't win. Either your kid gets pissed or the others get pissed, or....you get pissed. Having raised 4 kids though teenagerdom, I would have let my daughter quit and carried on with the team. Its possible the pressure was too much on her. Its also possible that "the team" had nothing to do with the sudden change. If your wife has any friends on the team....one kid that is close or a parent or two, I'd talk to them to see if there was any background noise about what the problem might be.

Everyone is right in that this is a common and expected breaking away....they all have to do it. I worry more when I hear of kids that don't go through this period to some extent.

OTOH, nani is also right that there may be something more involved and it would be a very good idea to do some checking around. When they make this big break, they sometimes find as many ways as possible to show they are their own person, and some of these ways are more destructive than others.

My oldest grandchild is 12 so I'm about to be able to watch my kids go through being on the other end of the tantrums ;;D

Best advice I can give (and take it for what it's worth) is; She is making many of her decisions with an angry mindset. Not the best emotion to use as a gage on doing what is right. The first thing anger provokes, is revenge.
Try to set aside the anger when you make as many of your decisions as possible. In the end, you'll have a lot fewer apologies to make and will question your decisions much less, when you look back upon this time, when you're bouncing your grandchildren on your knee.

Bobw

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by deltadarlin on Sep 21^st, 2006, 4:33pm

on 09/19/06 at 15:38:02, Daddys_Devil wrote:

I think I'm going to have to agree with Felicia here. I don't care if it's a phase or the moon has turned blue,
actions = consequences, and that is applicable at any age, at any given time.

Jean has a point too, when we were younger, that type of behavior was forbidden (I'd have picked my a$$ up off the floor if I'd have talked to my mama like that).

Not all teenagers are a PITA. Mine never talked to me like that and most of her friends wouldn't have done it either (she's 22 now).

'darlin

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Sandy_C on Sep 21^st, 2006, 5:52pm

on 09/20/06 at 12:20:33, Mattrf wrote:

I think it will take years for my daughter to make this right if even then and have no idea how long it will be for my wife and here to mend this fence but it makes my hart ache to see my wife in such pain and be unable to ease this pain.

Matt
:'(

Matt, speaking as a berated, verbally abused Mom of a teenage daughter,It will not take years to make it right between your daughter and her mother. We Mom's appear very brittle when our daughters hurt us so badly, but we are resiliant.

At one point in my life with my daughter, I wanted to abdicate my position as Mom. I wanted nothing more than to have her out of my house because I was constantly lied to, constantly berated as knowing nothing, almost constantly in tears. My husband was distraught over the rift between his wife and his child, just as you are.

But - our daughters mature - maybe not as fast as we would like, but they do. Right now, your daughter is trying to find her independence - not independence in that she wants to live on her own (she probably wishes she could but she's smart enough to know she's not financially capable) - she's fighting for her independence of thought, friends, interests, none of which right now coincides with what Mom and Dad want for her. So she rebells.

It will get better, and it won't take "years". The first time she actually goes it on her own, whether it's college, job, first apartment, whatever - she will learn VERY quickly just how good it was at home. She will mature. She will miss her Mom and Dad.

Your wife will possibly never get a direct apology from your daughter about the cheerleading, but your daughter will once again need Mom, and Mom will not forget, but will dismiss that old hurt.

Just hang on for the ride, for it will be a ride.

Been there

Sandy

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Margi on Sep 21^st, 2006, 5:57pm

Man, I wish I'd thought to post here when my daughter was in the teenage years...could have saved myself a LOT of grief! LOL

Sandy has said it so well - Mom's get over things in a heartbeat once they see daughters standing on their own two feet and making good decisions again. I think my daughter was 20 and living on her own when she put her hand on my shoulder and said 'seriously, Mum? I'm really sorry I was such an a-hole for the last few years. Thanks for still loving me.' *poof* All the bad stuff went away in the blink of an eye.

Then, when our children become parents - it's a whole new universe and we parents suddenly become as smart as we were to them when THEY were toddlers. The circle of life is pretty cool, actually. I'm sure grandparents everywhere will agree with me that grandchildren are your reward for surviving "the teenage years".

I know going through teenage seems to take forever but now, looking back...it was over in the blink of an eye and gone all too fast. *sigh*

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Tiannia on Sep 21^st, 2006, 6:07pm

It is an amazing thing when you realize that you dont have the world by the horn but instead you are bearly holding on to the tail and trying not to land in the $hit.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Ree on Sep 22^nd, 2006, 8:05pm

I cannot believe this is a topic on our message board tonight. I just composed an email to an irate mother... I too am a coach this year for the cheering squad that my daughter cheers for. I almost got my lights punched out by a mother because I told her daughter to put her hair in a pony tail for safety reasons. My daughter loves cheering and I took over the squad bacause of issues last year where we would get to games and not even have a coach. The girls are brats... constantly saying they are quitting whenever they don't get their way and when you place them into their stunt groups they cannot quit or it throws off the whole routine. Her and a friend are in the living room right now choreographing a competition routine..... it sucks when some kids love it and some don't realize what it takes to succeed in this sport. It really sucks when you don't have the respect of a kid and then you realize why when the mother attacks you ( I won't be doing this next year)
To get to your other point... I also am killing myself my day begins my new job... after school its music lessons or track meets and cheering then she has someone over and belittles me the whole time. The things she says to me cut me like a knife. Without a minute to myself each week during this time of the year. Last year we were in comp til November and I had just lost my Mom without any recognition from her......Hopefully someday she will say I love you mom thanks..... Im not holding my breath

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Jonny on Sep 22^nd, 2006, 8:49pm

on 09/22/06 at 20:05:54, Ree wrote:

then she has someone over and belittles me the whole time. The things she says to me cut me like a knife.

Really?

Grow a set of fucking balls, Ree......my Mom would slap the shit out of me for that!

Dont put up with that....and if you do, dont complain about it! ;)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by deltadarlin on Sep 22^nd, 2006, 11:47pm

Think I'm going to have to agree with Jonny here. Don't put up with her crap. Give her a little tough love. Next time she wants something, tell her *NO*! Say, "I'm sorry, but I can't really do this for someone who has so little respect for me". If she doesn't learn it now, she's in for a helluva shock when she hits the real world and finds out that nobody really gives a sh*t what she thinks and why she thinks it.

Why are you even letting her treat you like this?

Sargeant 'darlin

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 26^th, 2006, 10:49am

All I have to say is wait until you have a teenager that does this to you, nothing they do makes sense and they do not respond to anything you do and don’t seem to care as well.

Yesterday I was sitting on the coach eating and she decided she wanted a bite og what my wife was eating so she stands right in front of me to reach over to my wife and while she is three inches in front of my face she decides to adjust her underwear by shoving her hand down her shorts while I am trying to eat, at this I tell her do you mind not scratching your crotch right in front of my face while I am eating, she looks at me and says I wasn’t scratching myself at the same time shoving her hand yet again down her shorts. Now I raise my voice and tell her that it is rude and she cops attitude and gets mad at me WTF! Her mm also gets mad and she acts like it is our problem. I am so done with her right now, my wife said we have no choice but to love her, my response was you may not but I sure as hell do, she is my step-daughter and I have loved her like she is my own but she is pushing it to the braking point. I know it hurt my wife to hear me say that but it is the truth and I am tired of her walking or trying to walk on me and treating me like I am something stuck on the bottom of her shoe. My wife told her that she had lost her real dad from when she was born, he just doesn’t care at all abut her and was she willing to loose her second dad? I did not hear the response but my guess is that she could care less, I think that’s what hurts the most and I am just tired of her hurting me and acting like everything is fine when it is not.
I really do not know what to do, I can’t continue to let her treat me like this but have not found anyway to make her stop and I also do not want to inflict more pain on my wife and I know this will, but I don’t even want to talk to the girl at this point, it makes me sad, I was so proud to call her my daughter and now I don’t even want to look at her.
I know it is the curse of parenting and when she has her o0wn she will have one just like her and have to deal with this herself but that knowledge does not help right now.

Ree, I sent you an email, you and my wife should talk and maybe start your own little coach/parent support group, I think you two could help each other since you are in the same boat.

Mattrf

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by seasonalboomer on Sep 26^th, 2006, 11:03am

on 09/26/06 at 10:49:36, Mattrf wrote:

This particular circumstance could be solved by not eating meals on the couch but eating at the dining room table.......

;)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mrs_R on Sep 26^th, 2006, 11:30am

Hi Matt,

I am the single Mum of a 17 year old boy who is pushing the boundaries to extreme as your daughter is. Recently I have spent an awful lot of my time in tears and feeling desperate as to where things are going to end, so I know how your wife feels.

It was my birthday on Sunday and he wrecked it with his behaviour - he had gone out with friends the night before and didn't get back to his mates house till 6am on my birthday and turned up at home at lunch time expecting me to run around after him before we went for my birthday lunch at my sister's - I didn't run around after him btw! - but it didn't stop him creating.

When we got home he started again, to cut a long story short it was 3am before I got to sleep as his paddy that night got me so upset it induced an IBS attack which kept me in the bathroom for some time!!! I am now waiting for inevitable headache to follow.

I love him to bits and this is agony, but as Margi said a heartfelt apology and it would all be gone in an instant!! I just keep reminding myself that this WILL end!!!

Hang in there Matt, take care

Liz :)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Mattrf on Sep 26^th, 2006, 11:48am

Sorry he ruined your birthday, my wife’s is Friday and I have no doubt she will find a way to ruined it, I have always had to remind her to get her mom something for her birthday and she has always waited until the last minute to do something and it kills me that she would put so little into it when her mom has done so much for her.

I know it will end, just seems like it won’t and yes Seasonalbloomer we do eat at the table as well but she finds way to offend anyway, it could be belching or farting she just thinks it’s funny even when she gets sent to her room for it. Just can’t win. We are good parents, we are very involved in our kids lives and know there friends and do all the things that we should as good parents should witch is very lacking these days in most houses, but we want our kids to have good childhoods and be raised with proper morals so when they have kids they will know what to do and how to raise there kids to become good adults and not thugs.

Mattrf

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Margi on Sep 26^th, 2006, 12:56pm

oh, Matt - hugs to you. Blended families are a HUGE challenge. We are the same, Mike is my daughter's step-dad but he has been with us since she was 3. I'm sure there were times when he wanted to throw in the towel and choke Corinne in the process. She was GREAT at trying to turn us against each other, too - so watch out for that. I feel for your wife, too - she is so caught in the middle even if she is angry at her daughter. She loves you AND she loves the kid. Mike and I actually separated for three months over kid issues when Corinne was 18...she just pitted us against each other like you wouldn't believe. As a mom, it's damned near impossible to turn against your child, no matter what- it's just not in our structure to be able to do that. Corinne and I went 6 months without speaking as a result of this one particular issue and, honestly, it damned near killed me. :( I'll never get that time back with her.

There IS a bright spot at the end of the tunnel though - Corinne and Mike are now closer than they've ever been, she's better friends with him than she is her real dad. Her real dad is a great guy, good dad, but Mike's the one she looks up to because he DID give her the tough love when she was being a shit. That's one thing I always demanded of her was that she respected him. I often heard myself saying to her, too: I will ALWAYS love you, but I may not always like you. This is one of those times. That always seemed to get through to her and I've actually heard her saying it to Savannah now (her own daughter). (LOL I see her shudder a bit too as she hears her own mother's words coming out of her mouth! ;))

As to the dinner stuff - she's trying to shock you. Call her on it. Tell her that if she can't use her table manners, then she can't sit at the table with the family. I guarantee you there will be door slamming and maybe a couple of days of an empty seat at the table (and maybe Mom sneaking food into her room) but...she'll figure it out. Enforce that supper is only served AT the table, NOT in her room, (and try to get mom on your side if you can). She's old enough that she can cook for herself anyway. So she eats toast and cookies for a couple days. It won't kill her.

Ree...hang in there, darlin - I'm always here if you need a shoulder. Been there, done that.

I think all teenage girls should be rounded up, sent to an island from the age of 15 - 18, and then let them come back when they become human again. At the end of the day though - this really is them preparing for their own independance and trying to cut the apron ties the only way they know how. They figure that if they decide they don't like their parents, it will be easier to leave them when the time comes.

My own mother didn't smarten up again until I was nearly 21. ;)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Callico_Kid on Sep 26^th, 2006, 12:58pm

Matt,

Now you know why some animals eat their young! ;;D

As others have said tough love is needed. Real love does not allow such behavior to continue, and parenting does not allow you to be "friends". True love though does make you friends after they pass through this phase.

Boys are not immune from this either. My oldest still has a chipped tooth from when he mouthed off to my wife one to many times and he found himself on the floor. Mind you, I am not advocating violence or child abuse, but I would not allow someone outside my home to belittle my wife the way he did without reacting as I did with him. (It was not the first offence by a long shot) Once he was convinced we meant what we said and that we truly loved him things changed. He still tried to find his own wings, but did so with respect. As he showed respect he found that he was encouraged to try his wings and that the limits we put on him were for his own benefit. He is now 25 and married to a lovely young lady, has his own business started, and calls us several times a week just to talk or ask advice.

Love her unconditionally without compromise on your principles and tell her so daily and as often as you can. The dividends are well worth it.

Jerry
I hope this makes sense. My head is not letting me put my thoughts together as I would like. :(

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Margi on Sep 26^th, 2006, 1:03pm

on 09/26/06 at 12:58:37, Callico_Kid wrote:

He is now 25 and married to a lovely young lady, has his own business started, and calls us several times a week just to talk or ask advice.

and THAT...is the serendipty that awaits all the parents of teenagers. It's the best feeling in the world, I promise you, and SO worth the wait! Your patience DOES pay off.

Jerry, you said it very well - don't sell yourself short. I'm sorry to hear your head is hurting, friend.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Linda_Howell on Sep 26^th, 2006, 1:29pm

Matt,

Print out this 2-page conversation about her horrid behavior and tack it to her bedroom door. ;)

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by Pinkfloyd on Sep 27^th, 2006, 2:37am

on 09/26/06 at 13:29:18, Linda_Howell wrote:

Matt,

Print out this 2-page conversation about her horrid behavior and tack it to her bedroom door. ;)

Linda...get with the times ;-)

Find her myspace page (they all have one) and post it there. All her friends could probably use some of the same advice.

Bobw

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by thomas on Sep 27^th, 2006, 10:20am

Not all humans come equiped with empathy.

Title: Re: Teenage girls, are they all this bad?
Post by deltadarlin on Sep 27^th, 2006, 7:04pm

on 09/26/06 at 10:49:36, Mattrf wrote:

All I have to say is wait until you have a teenager that does this to you, nothing they do makes sense and they do not respond to anything you do and don’t seem to care as well.
Mattrf

My daughter is 22 years old and understands very well what is acceptable behavior and what is not. She also knew from a very early age that to behave in certain ways was to receive immediate and very convincing *coercion* that her behavior was NOT to be accepted. The longer you put up with her behavior, the more she will attempt to get away with. I'm sorry, but sometimes, we really do have to be the evil beings that our kids like to think we are. Start stripping her of privileges and when she gets down to a blanket and a pillow in her room, she may figure out that you aren't going to play any more.

I know a lot of kids out there who are around the same age as your daughter and they would NEVER dare to treat their parents in a horrible manner (they might think about it and they might want to, but they also know that mom and dad won't put up with it). Rebellion is one thing and it's to be expected, but outright disrespect and hatefullness is not something to be tolerated.

'darlin