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        New Message Board Archives >> 2006 General Board Posts >> HELP!! This is breaking my heart
        
(Message started by: davyp on Sep 13^th, 2006, 7:35pm)

Title: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by davyp on Sep 13^th, 2006, 7:35pm

I am not the sort of person who finds it easy to openly ask for help so please bear with me.

I have to do the hardest thing i have ever had to do and it is already tearing my heart to pieces.

How do i explain to my 3 year old son that his great nan has passed away?
She lives, no she lived nearly 5 hours away so we used to go down and see her about 3 or 4 times a year and stop for a few days, we went to see her a few weeks ago whilst we were on holiday and had planned to go to see her again next month and my son joshua absolutly loved these visits. She lived near to a navel base and he would quite happily spend several hours sat on her lap watching out the window at all the boats and helicopters coming and going.
I was her favourite grandson so joshua had a very special place in her heart and would always get spoilt rotten whilst we were there.
Only yesterday he sat on my lap at the computer and we were going through the holiday pics and he asked me how long before we went to see his nana again and i told him it wouldnt be long before we saw her again, how do i tell him now that he never will.

I am strong enough to cope with back to back attacks but i am not strong enough to do this, i am finding it hard to come to terms with myself i have spent most of the day crying, i still am.

Please help i just dont know what to say.

:'( Dape :'(

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by nani on Sep 13^th, 2006, 7:50pm

Oh, I'm so sorry, dape. :'(
My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Telling little ones can be quite hard, especially when it hits us so hard. There are many very good books that can help. I find it most helpful to present things in a way that fits with your spiritual beliefs. It is, after all, what comforts us adults. It's OK for him to see that you are saddened and will miss her, but try to maintain some level of "sameness" for his sake. Also, keep the focus on the "better place" where she is, rather than just the sadness and grief. Good luck to you, sweetie.
I'm sending prayers and vibes.
hugs, nani

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by Jonny on Sep 13^th, 2006, 8:07pm

So sorry for your loss, Dape. :'(

Im not good at this, but maybe this will help some.

http://www.nmha.org/children/prevent/loss.cfm

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by Cathi04 on Sep 13^th, 2006, 8:53pm

Oh, I am soo sorry! My 9 yr old grandson is quite fond of his great-great grandmother. We call her GG, and she is 101. She calls Michael "her little bumblebee', and, even at the advanced age of 9(he's grown up, you see), Michael tolerates it, coz he loves her so dearly.
GG has been on a slippery slope of late, both mentally and physically. Her body is just giving up.
Michael took me aside the other day, and as if to prepare ME, he explained GG has lived a good long life, and should anything happen to her, I should remember she will be at peace and at the right hand of God.
Sometimes, I think children have an instinct about these things.
As for Joshua, younger than Michael, perhaps if he remembers the pleasure he found, sitting with her watching the planes and helicopters, he will be reminded she will also be there, always, with him.
My sympathies to you and Joshua and the rest of your family.
Cathi

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by E-Double on Sep 13^th, 2006, 9:13pm

:'(
Many hugs and condolences.
good luck

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by TxBasslady on Sep 13^th, 2006, 9:32pm

Some things we just can't protect our children from.
Explain it to your son the best you can. Sometimes they understand more than what we give them credit.

Vibes and prayers to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. :'(

Much love,

Jean

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by jon019 on Sep 13^th, 2006, 10:13pm

Oh Davy, my heart goes out to you and I teared up myself reading your anguish and writing this.

Grandmas (Nannie in my case) are so very special. It's unconditional love and serenity that little kids pick up immediately.

One of the best memories of my life is a conversation I had with my Mom when her Dad, my Grandpa, died. Now, I was 14 and able to understand a lot more than a 3 year old. But, what sticks with me was her calm demeanor and absolute determination to comfort ME as we sat on the deck outside (she sat VERY close). She explained what happened, then asked very simple questions like (how do you feel, what do you think, do you have any questions, what are your special memories of "Pa", etc). THEN she LISTENED. (so very intently that it gives me chills now as well as then).

I mentioned my admiration for his "Roman" nose (he was Italian) and we both laughed because ours were closer to pug!

We decided (together) that his suffering was over, he was in a better place, AND NOTHING could ever take our memories of him away.

Neither one of us cried but it was an incredible emotional release.

I know this is not much help with a 3 yr old, maybe that will have to come later when he is old enough to understand. My best guess is just to determine what he does understand and react to that. Your love for your Grandma will come through.

CH.com is another that gives me chills. These people are incredible. You need not worry about asking for help here. Wish I could do better.

My prayers are with you.

Jon

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by georgej on Sep 14^th, 2006, 12:09am

Davy, there is no perfect way to handle this that I know of. When I told Ellen that her grandfather (my father) had died, I simply told her as gently and forthrightly as possible what had happened. I only did it this way because I know El so well, and knew that she would come to grips with it in her own way--but that it could only be accepted with the passage of time.

El was quite a bit older, though--thirteen at the time. Three is a different matter.

All I can say is that you should follow your heart in this. It's seldom wrong, or seldom very wrong.

I'm very, very sorry for your loss.

All the best,

George

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by sandie99 on Sep 14^th, 2006, 3:29am

Davy,

my deepest condolences... :'(

I know that telling news like this to a 3-year-old in very different than to tell it to a 9-year-old, but when my grandma passed away, my folkes decided to tell it honestly.

Sanna

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by BarbaraD on Sep 14^th, 2006, 7:19am

Dave,

My deepest sympathy on your loss.

I went thru this a year ago with my grandson's great-grandmaw and it's not easy. He's four and had just lost his Papaw (my husband) two months before. We explained that Grandmaw just got old and tired and God called her to heaven so she could help take care of Papaw.

He asks questions and I answer them as honestly as a four year old can understand. Occasionally he cries and tells me he wants them back and that's the hard part.

One piece of advice - don't stop talking. Remember the "fun" things with the child and laugh. We keep them alive in our hearts.

Again my sympathy on your loss..

Hugs BD

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by vig on Sep 14^th, 2006, 8:49am

You just keep reminding him what a great person she was and how much better off you all are for having gotten to be with her... and be positive.

"wasn't she great?!! We miss her too."

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by DonnaHar on Sep 14^th, 2006, 9:01am

I'm very sorry for your loss. It is hard to keep your composure at a time like this, but little ones do need to know that it's OK for adults to cry.

This is a very vulnerable age as three yr. olds have a few ingrown fears of their own. So, just answering their immediate questions with very simple but honest answers is important. Terms like "she's sleeping". is misleading and can lead to fears of sleep, etc. It is not uncommon for a little bed wetting, and according to what I learned from my teachers, (I owned a nursery school) we need to just treat that problem very casually and not call attention to it.

Many suggest that little people under the age of at least 6 should not attend funerals....their imaginations run wild and long term fears "could", not necessarily "will", develop. You will probably be asked if this could happen to you or your spouse.

It's a difficult time and, like everyone else suggested, talking about the happy times is most important.

There's a wonderful book that is all about understanding the developmental stages and problems of the child age six and under which I wish all parents had the opportunity to read......It's called The Magic Years and is written by Selma Fraiberg. You'd find the best answers to your questions there.

Hugs and prayers,
Donna

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by davyp on Sep 14^th, 2006, 6:03pm

Thank you all for your kind words.

I dont have any family close to me (I fell out with the family who live near me and my so called friends took their side) and was in such a state that i didnt know who else to turn to.

My partner Julie and i sat down with Joshua today and explained it to him and it is not something i want to have to do ever again.
He asked me lots of questions and i answered them truthfully, he then asked me if i was going to die over and over again and it was at this point that i broke down and just couldnt go on anymore so my partner Julie took over and i think he understood it more coming from her as she was not as emotional as i was whilst i was talking. we then spent a while talking about the happy times that we had when we went to see her and at the weekend we are going to print off a load of photots a make a collage to go on his wall as he asked if he can have some pictures of her.

Your replies really helped me get through the night and gave me the strength to explain this to Joshua.

THANK YOU

Dape

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Sep 14^th, 2006, 6:17pm

There is a really good book out there aimed at little kids. It's called When Dinosaurs Die. We have made use of it in the past.

I don't know if you can buy it where you are, but if you can't please PM me your mailing address and I will get one to you.

I am sorry for your loss. :'(

Carol

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by davyp on Sep 16^th, 2006, 8:37pm

Thank you Carol for your kind offer, I have ordered a copy and should receive it shortly.

Dape

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by Ree on Sep 16^th, 2006, 11:50pm

Dape... My daughters friend recently lost her mom suddenly and my daughter asked me "Does that just happen, can a MOM just die like that?" It is so hard to try to explain life and death to children. My daughter has become hardened by the fact that I lost my Mom and Dad this past year and she was very close to them also... Get him his own little picture of Nan and laminate it so he can keep it always and carry it around. You can also tell him she is so special now that he can talk to her whenever he wants.... Good luck and sorry for your loss. There is a unconditional love that comes from Grandparents that can't ever be replaced. She will be sorely missed. time will heal. I promise ree

Title: Re: HELP!! This is breaking my heart
Post by kcopelin on Sep 17^th, 2006, 1:54pm

Kids are resilient and their hearts are not all tangled up like us adults. When I told my kids (ages 3 and 4) about their Grandpa dying and took them to the gravesite, my daughter walked over to the marker, knelt down, and knocked...really hard...serveal times. Then she started out calling "Grandpa, grandpa" She didn't understand why Grandpa wasn't answering his door. I explained that we wouldn't want Grandpa to answer that particular door, that he was in heaven and it was just his body in there, and it would be kinda gross if he came out. She and my son totally got that, and so they looked up-waved and said "Hey Grandpa"

"The Fall of Freedie the Leaf" is another really cool book for kids.

Prayers for peace and comfort and rest for you all.
kathy