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Title: It finally happened… Post by Langa on Jun 19th, 2006, 10:22am My mother, my friend, my rock, my confidante forgot who I was. She didn’t even remember my name. Alzheimer’s – what a cruel illness. To get so bad you can’t remember your own children is incomprehensible to me. I had to pretend I was a friend. When she asked me who I was it felt like a punch to the stomach. I remembered being 5 year's old and her having to leave me for 3 months; all I did was scream and cry and beg her not to leave me. I felt like that 5 year old again, just held it all inside. Somehow I feel like I’m mourning her passing already. Is that sick? Is it normal? She wasn’t supposed to forget me. Not yet... Langa P.S.: Thanks for being here guys. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by alchemy on Jun 19th, 2006, 10:24am Langa, my wife is going through the exact same thing with her mother. I know exactly how you feel. [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by medic1852 on Jun 19th, 2006, 10:28am on 06/19/06 at 10:22:44, Langa wrote:
I am so very sorry Maria. I would say this reaction is normal, and not sick. I understand and am here for you if you need. Just remember the good times and all will be well. Also remember it is not her choice to forget your name. Again I am very sorry! Rodger :'( [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Redd715 on Jun 19th, 2006, 10:30am Maria, It IS normal to mourn the passing at this point. My Mother had a form of this disease for nearly 7 years and I was her DPOA for all that time. Some days are better than others, but yes, it was devistating the first time and every time she didn't know who I was. I've been right wehre you are sis, and please don't hesitate to lean of me and the rest of us who've been down this road. I'll PM you all my contact info if you want. This is a sad and lonely journey, and I'd be happy to keep you company if you like. Pegg |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Jimi on Jun 19th, 2006, 10:39am That is so sad. I am sorry you will be going thru this Langa. :'( |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by zwibbs/Scott on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:06am Oh Langa, I am truly sorry to hear this. Hang tough--always here to offer my shoulder.....Scott :-[ |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Peppermint on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:14am on 06/19/06 at 10:22:44, Langa wrote:
Mery! You never said anything. My father suffered Alzheimer's for 10 years. He died 8 years after that diagnosis, from lung cancer (which was diagnosed 2.5 weeks before he passed on). I'm really sorry you have to go through this. It was very very difficult for my family, to accept..we were at a loss... but we had an angel sent to us from heaven that showed us that it could be better than what we imagined. Love is the key. Don't let go of the mom you remember just yet. It's a harsh thing to have that moment you had, but, she will have her lucid moments as well. It's those moments you have to continue to show her that she still remembers you, and you do too. It's hard to explain, but we need to talk. I have to say, God works in mysterious ways, so its not by chance that we have come to know eachother. [smiley=hug.gif] Keep your chin up lady, Love Pepa |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Paul98 on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:22am OMG Langa. I'm so very, very sorry to hear about your Mom. She is a strong woman and one you can be proud of. It must be hard for to deal with the confusion Alzheimer’s brings. Hard for you to whitness. My heart goes out to you. L, -P. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by FramCire on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:40am This reminded me of when my Grnadfather had a stroke and with his bad vision and hearing was not able to recognize any of the family. While my grandmother took care of him in the nursing home (she did everything the nurses were suppossed to, and she was 90). Anyway, I had a hard time not having him reconize me and seeing him like that until 1 day I came to visit with my mother and they wanted to make him feel better and told him that one of the nurses was my wife. My wife was working crazy hours and hadn't been able to visit him yet and he was very close to the two of us. Despite not recognizing any of us and barely able to talk, he turned to my grandmother and said "that's not her". Seriously, he couldn't recognize some of us from 1 foot away but knew it wasn't her from 10 feet. That day my grandfather was back for even just 1 moment. He still didn't recognize me but I got to enjoy him again for the moment and obviously I have held onto that moment for the last 7 years. Alzheimers SUCKS and that is as nice as it can be put. I am sorry you are going through this. You might want to contact a support group and find out what they suggest about how to deal with her lack of memory. Something tells me (just my gut) that you might want to tell her who you are each time. Maybe, just maybe the reinforcement will help her memory even a little bit. Here is the an online support group to bounce questions off of: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.alzheimers?lnk=srg&hl=en And here is a place to ask questions as well: http://experts.about.com/q/Alzheimer-s-Disease-1005/index.htm I will say a few prayers for you, nobody should have to go through what you are going through. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Langa on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:51am You guys are the best. Thank you. Pegg, I would love your contact info – you’re so kind to offer and I know I’ll be needing your support in the weeks, months to come. Thanks Sis. Pepa, you know how it is…I’m a closed book sometimes, but wow, I had no idea about your Dad. I guess it would happen eventually. She started confusing me with my other sisters, eventually I knew she’d forget, but I was hoping not for a long time or not at all. I was warned it could happen. But you never really are ready no matter how much you try to be. My mom has 24 hour care now, but the doctors want to put her in a home. That a lone is tearing us apart as she always made us promise we won’t allow that, but she’s being very mean to the help, which doesn’t help. Her losing her independence and having trouble remembering things I believe are making her angry. Anyway, yes, Pepa we should talk. Too bad we’ll most like not see each in Wisconsin, but you know the City is a hop, skip and a jump for us. Hugs, Langa |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by sandie99 on Jun 19th, 2006, 11:55am Maria, I'm so sorry... [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] I think that it is very understandable and normal that you feel that you're already mourning. I felt the same way when dad told his diagnosis. I suppose that is how we deal with these things. If there is something I can do, let me know. Best wishes, Sanna |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by nani on Jun 19th, 2006, 12:07pm I'm so sorry, honey. :'( I know and understand how you're feeling. Pep is right, she'll have lucid moments, too. Take advantage of them. Even when she doesn't remember you, don't pretend to be someone else. Tell her who you are, and just carry on as such. I think that starting to grieve now is probably pretty normal, and may help you in the long run. In a way, you've already lost the "mom" you've always had. Just don't forget to enjoy the great moments also. Her anger is partly frustration and partly the disease. Just like with little children, distraction will help her feel less angry. My Mom suddenly developed a great sense of humor in her final year or so. My joking around (which always used to really make her mad) actually made her laugh. (I'm pretty sure it's because she could appreciate the humor of a "stranger" and not one of her daughters, LOL) You hang in there, girl. Look up an Alzheimer's support group, and get some info and support. much love, nani |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by kimmiedawn81 on Jun 19th, 2006, 1:57pm I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how tough that can be. Let me know if you need me anything. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Mattrf on Jun 19th, 2006, 2:12pm I went through this with my Grate grandma and now with my grandma that has always been the patriarch of my family. I can tell you also from experience that what you feel is normal because in a way they are gone and it is very sad and hard to except. My sister got remarried about two years ago and my grandma was in a wheelchair and we all came to say hi and she did not recognize any of us. I have always felt that when my grandma died it would be very hard on me and the family but I think we have all already said our good bys to her and that when she does pass we will be glad that she is no longer suffering and will not be as sad as we would be if she did still know us. It may sound cold to some and it even does to me but it is the cold truth. I am very sorry you are going through this, all I can say is look to your family for support and stay in her life and try to make it happy for her even if you have to convince her you are just a friend. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by The mad viking on Jun 19th, 2006, 2:30pm :'( |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by E-Double on Jun 19th, 2006, 2:33pm Many hugs. I felt that way the first time my grandfather asked my dad how I fit into the picture and then looked at the little asian kids who were with their grandfather at the home and asked if they were his too. Max (grandpa) was way cool.cigars burban and women. May you have happy memories and enjoy the lucid moments |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Carl_D on Jun 19th, 2006, 3:09pm [smiley=hug.gif] Alzheimers is a very cruel disease. My sis in law's mother has it, and it wiped my sis in law out emotionally, as well as my niece. She is in a nursing home now, and can't even talk. Becky said she thinks her mom recognizes her sometimes, but others it is like she is just someone who is there. Hang in there Maria. Carl |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Jasmyn on Jun 19th, 2006, 3:11pm [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Langa on Jun 19th, 2006, 3:27pm Thanks everybody. I was told by the nurses not to push the issue of me being her daughter. If she thinks I’m a friend, just go along with it as it might upset her to know that she’s forgotten her own child; my mother also suffers from dementia and it upsets her greatly if we correct her in any way. She thought I was my sister’s friend. Can you believe I felt jealous that she recognized my sister and not me; I was thinking perhaps she was more special to her than I was? I know it’s pathetic, but it’s how I felt. A few times thought I saw a glimpse of recognition in her eyes. Other times it was like she knew me from somewhere but wasn’t sure. I guess I have a long road ahead of me. Another thing I feel is heavy guilt. Guilt from not spending as much possible time with her as possible. Like maybe if I was there more often, this wouldn't have happened. You know, out of sight out of mind crap, but I do call her every day. Anyway, I think i'm rambling :-[ I'm just heartbroken I guess. :'( Thanks for all the support guys. Langa |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by LeLimey on Jun 19th, 2006, 4:04pm I go to visit my best friends mother with her. Lisa and I have been friends for 25 years and her mother recognises me every time but not Lisa.. its so sad. Lisa's mum was more of a mum to me than my own ever was and in a mean way I love that she knows me even while I cry inside for Lisa.. I It IS a cruel and heartless disease.. but its the disease that doesn't know you not your mum. You're her heart Maria, you're one of the most wonderful things that ever happend to you and whatever level inside her that this evil disease lets your mum live on.. she has you there with her. Don't forget that lovey, she loves you and you know it. lots of love always Helen xxx |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Tiannia on Jun 19th, 2006, 4:18pm Langa, I am so very sorry hun. You are in my thoughts. It is perfectly normal to have the feeling that you have lost her. but she is still in there and wants to remember you. So take was little hint of recognition you get and cherish all your memories. You did not do anything. When my Grandfather went thru this, he remembered the grandkids from Minn and not my sister and I and we spend every other weekend with them for like 8 years. I was very upset because I wanted to yell at him that they never gave a shit about you. but the doctor told my mom that it is the shorter term memory that is attacked the worse. So not that you where not there enough, it might have been then you where on her mind so much that unfortunatly you where a part of the memories that it targets. Blessed Be my friend. You have memories for both of you. Keep reminding her of that, and you will have even more to cherish. /huggs and blessings Tia |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Richr8 on Jun 19th, 2006, 4:30pm So sorry to hear hon. When my mother passd from cancer, the last couple of weeks she was with us she was totally gone on morphine. I'm glad she was not in pain, but she was no longer there. Clearly the grieving begins when the ability to relate wanes. be strong and God bless you, |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Langa on Jun 19th, 2006, 8:38pm Wow...thanks so much for all the kind words and the wonderful pm's. It has been so uplifting. Tia, I was surprised to see your reply, but very happy. Where have you been? I've missed you. Hope all is well. I Love You guys... Langa |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Charlie on Jun 19th, 2006, 8:53pm So sorry to hear this I certainly don't think your reaction is something to worry about. I think I understand. Hang on kid. Charlie |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by lionsound on Jun 20th, 2006, 4:52am My grandmother would only remember me sometimes...and never as often as she would my sister. It's really hard to take in that they don't remmeber you. Talking about it is good for you. [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Gator on Jun 20th, 2006, 5:09am I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. [smiley=hug.gif] It is painful to watch someone you love suffer with Alzheimers. My grandmother had it. When I would walk in the room, she would usually call me by my dad's name when she could remember a name at all. If I left to go to the bathroom or go to the kitchen to get a drink or something, when I'd come back she would act so surprised and say how it had been years since she saw me. I really don't have any words of wisdom for how to deal with it, except to enjoy the lucid moments as much as possible. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by CHTom on Jun 20th, 2006, 12:54pm I am so sorry that your mother has Alzheimer's, probably one of the, if not the, cruelest diseases that are known. Although we have not had direct contact with each other, from reading your posts I believe that you are a very caring, compassionate and giving person. Your anger is a normal, if anything about this disease can be called normal, reaction and nothing to be ashamed of; that your mother has forgotten you has nothing to do with her love for you but is a symptom of her disease. The only comfort is that at least your mother is not suffering-Alzheimer's is so cruel because the ones who suffer the emotional pain are those closest to the person who has the disease and the more love that exists between the person with the disease and those who love her is that those who loved most suffer more. You may take some comfort in knowing that your mother is not aware of her illness. You are grieving and it hurts all the more because your mother is alive and you are powerless to do anything to stop the progression of her illness. If she thinks that you are someone else, I believe that your continued love and kindness for her will somehow make a connection with her and she will be able to feel that love and kindness, even though she thinks that you are someone else. You have my empathy; I am so sorry that you must go through this ordeal. At least you have others to turn to for support and comfort. Take care of yourself, don't hold your feelings in and keep on being the wonderful person that you are, have been and always will be. |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Jimi on Jun 20th, 2006, 1:09pm Ok, who are you and what have you done with CHTom? |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by maffumatt on Jun 20th, 2006, 6:11pm How horrible that must be. Best wishes and prayers to you and yours. Matt and Mary |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by jimmers on Jun 20th, 2006, 7:37pm Prayers and vibes on the way. :'( Jim and Barb |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by rickyshot on Jun 21st, 2006, 9:13am I am so very sorry Langa. I do not think you are crazy for starting the mouring process. It is a way of coping. I hope it works for you. A prayer for you and you family. Enjoy the lucid moments with her. It must be so very hard. :-[ |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Bethany1 on Jun 21st, 2006, 1:01pm Maria, I am so sorry to hear this. It is one of the worst diseases. My grandmother also had it and it was so hard to watch my dad go through what you are going through right now. All of my prayers are with you. Your such a strong lady but anytime you need to talk, you have my number. Love to you... Beth |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Langa on Jun 21st, 2006, 5:43pm Wow. Thank you all for the kind words of support. It's been wonderful getting all the encouraging replies. One day at a time... Langa |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by Sandy_C on Jun 21st, 2006, 5:54pm Oh Langa, I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and your family. No, you are not sick by feeling thoughts of mourning your mother. Your mother, as you knew her, is no longer here in mind, memory or thoughts. She's only here in body. It is perfectly normal and right to mourn the loss of the mother you knew. Go ahead and cry for that loss. You are allowed. Stay close to her, give her comfort and your love. Even if she doesn't know who you are, she will still appreciate it, and so will you. It will help you get through this terrible time. Bless you and hang on. My prayers are with you. Sandy |
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Title: Re: It finally happened… Post by lady_bug on Jun 22nd, 2006, 2:55pm I was 11 years old when my grandmother passed from that horrid disease, and I remember like it was yesterday the first time she didn't recognize me. My heart goes out to you and your family. Love ya, Ladybug |
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