|
||
|
Title: Somebody tell a joke Post by pattik on Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:19pm This board is getting way too depressing...I'll start ;) http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y71/northcolor/cartoons/DSC05904.jpg |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:35pm You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. " A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death " |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LadyElaine on Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:41pm SENIOR HUMOR A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" ----------------------------------------- An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife." ---------------------------------------- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. ---------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. ---------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ---------------------------------------- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And finally...... A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Melissa on Mar 23rd, 2006, 3:51pm http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v708/mfiltz/speedo.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v708/mfiltz/tsp_091.jpg |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:00pm http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c9ef7895c300000015108Act3Llszbt9 http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c9ef5914d200000016108Act3Llszbt9 http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c9ef1495af00000016108Act3Llszbt9 |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:00pm Elaine I'm sitting here crying laughing at the jokes you posted, they have really tickled my fancy today! Mellymoo I love the second one! That is hilarious! My poor cat thinks "mummy" has finally really and truly gone past the point of no return! [smiley=laugh.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:01pm Rodg.. you little shit! :P |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LadyElaine on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:01pm Sex In the Dark! There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:03pm on 03/23/06 at 16:01:32, LeLimey wrote:
I ...got ...some ...eye...candy...Just for your HELEN...http://bestsmileys.com/evil/3.gif |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:11pm Elaine that was priceless! Rodg.. I wouldn't if I was you, us girlies are mighty mean you know! :o |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:14pm on 03/23/06 at 16:11:23, LeLimey wrote:
You dont scare me...I am MARRIED TO A RED HEAD!! HELLOOO! Besides mean girls are HOT. Rodger |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:19pm on 03/23/06 at 16:14:55, medic1852 wrote:
YET Rodgie.. the word you are looking for is YET! Ask Frank! ;;D He can tell you stories that'll make your (one remaining) hair curl! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LadyElaine on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:21pm Helen your not going to belive this but I get these jokes from a little old lady I have known for years through email. The woman can make me blush! Here is one she sent me! HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE: A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:22pm Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in Rodg's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. "We're down here ..... |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:26pm Your wanting to see some hotties arent you.... |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:34pm Sorry Rodg.. was that a bit below the belt? |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:34pm What Helen dreams of nightly..http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91cf714b541600000016108Act3Llszbt9 |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:41pm Just remember this Rodgie.. God only made me stupid so I'd be friends with you :-* |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:43pm on 03/23/06 at 16:41:15, LeLimey wrote:
I knew you couldnt resist looking.... [smiley=crackup.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Melissa on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:44pm Actual people who wed... (these are last names only) Wendt-Adaway Filler-Quick Dunnam-Favors Drinkwine-Layer Gowen-Geter Weener-Whipple Peters-Rising Kuntz-Dick Butts-McCracken Aikin-Johnson Busch-Graber Wacker-Dailey MacDonald-Berger |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by pattik on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:47pm on 03/23/06 at 16:34:48, medic1852 wrote:
This is from Rodg's Speedo catalogue, and I'm guessing he ordered the one on the right. :-X Helen, wherever you get your material from...thanks! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:48pm This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS. P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:51pm on 03/23/06 at 16:47:59, pattik wrote:
Wrong! I prefer the black and whit print on the left... |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:53pm Yes but they didn't have your size did they Rodg? Small Minuscule or Liar! ;;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by pattik on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:54pm on 03/23/06 at 16:53:14, LeLimey wrote:
[smiley=spit.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LadyElaine on Mar 23rd, 2006, 4:55pm LMAO ! OUCH OUCH That hurts ! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:00pm Here is Helens bike locked up for "security" http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c86589b53b00000016108Act3Llszbt9 On the annual "cluster cruise" the ladies all went starboard side for the "doughnut" give away... http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c87a4af56f00000016108Act3Llszbt9 The ladies were all disapointed at this stop on the world tour... http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c87ae4f5c100000015108Act3Llszbt9 Helen always wondered why her dates never called back.... http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91c9eff3147800000015108Act3Llszbt9 |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:10pm on 03/23/06 at 17:00:51, medic1852 wrote:
Unfortunatey Rodg's dates DID.... http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a139/lelimey/TooLate.jpg |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:14pm Would love to stay and play with you girls and I enjoyed the smiles..but I have to get ready to go to work..But never fear I will return in the morning...Rodger |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:17pm Will you be the perfect man and turn into a pint of milk and a box of cornflakes then please?! Have a safe night at work rodg, thanks for the giggles! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Jonny on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:26pm MT. Saint Helen ;;D http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4db03b3127cce9fbec181d89100000016108AZM2bNk5bM6 Get a shave!....LMAO |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LeLimey on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:31pm Yes dear ;;D http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a139/lelimey/cutthegrass.jpg |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Jonny on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:33pm Touche'.....LMMFAO!!! ;;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Sandy_C on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:37pm on 03/23/06 at 16:48:23, LeLimey wrote:
[smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] I can't see! Tears are running down my cheeks! Absolutely hysterical! Thanks - I needed a good laugh Waistband for God's sakes! Sandy |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by alchemy on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:38pm whats the difference between having guts and having balls? having guts is staying out late with your buddies drinking coming home having your wife swinging a broom at you and asking her if she's still cleaning or geting ready to go for a ride. having balls is staying out late drinking coming home smelling like perfume lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the ass and saying next! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Dragnlance on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:53pm http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Dragnlance on Mar 23rd, 2006, 5:58pm Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by tanner on Mar 23rd, 2006, 9:50pm http://www.jokeload.com/gd?id=535&mime=jpg ................tim |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by tanner on Mar 23rd, 2006, 9:53pm http://dingo.care2.com/pictures/c2c/galleries/albums/202/113454681/clips/4161027.jpg ..........tim |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by tanner on Mar 23rd, 2006, 9:55pm http://www.dowlingsweatt.com/images/FunnyPictures/Winter.jpg ...tim |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by tanner on Mar 23rd, 2006, 9:57pm http://www.dowlingsweatt.com/images/FunnyPictures/AIRPLANE.JPG ........tim |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by sandie99 on Mar 24th, 2006, 11:50am [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by Charlie on Mar 25th, 2006, 1:11am http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/ha.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/laugh.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/crackup.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/ROFprone.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/hapoint.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/happydance.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/cheesyrotfm.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/purple laugh.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/fall laugh.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/purple howl.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/pound laugh.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/die laughing.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/heehee.gif http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/neat point.gif Charlie |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by LadyElaine on Mar 25th, 2006, 10:04am http://tinypic.com/b9htzc.gif My Back hurts from laughing! I don't care " Don't stop! LMAO |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by gore2424 on Mar 25th, 2006, 10:46am Whats green and four foot long ?¿? elephant snot red foxx 1968 |
||
|
Title: Re: Somebody tell a joke Post by medic1852 on Mar 25th, 2006, 11:47am Which Cup Size? BE SURE TO GUESS BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b6dd04b3127cce97b8d25cb6cf00000016108Act3Llszbt9 If this doesn't put a smile in your heart, nothing else will! Guess what cup size? Okay, what did you guess? The truth revealed........Scroll down This kid's gonna hate his Mom for this some day! http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b6dd04b3127cce97b8d25eb6cd00000016108Act3Llszbt9 Isn't this cute! Rodger [smiley=crackup.gif] |
||
|
Clusterheadaches.com Message Board » Powered by YaBB 1 Gold - SP 1.3.1! YaBB © 2000-2003. All Rights Reserved. |