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        New Message Board Archives >> 2006 General Board Posts >> Men vs Women
        
(Message started by: Jimi on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 3:09pm)

Title: Men vs Women
Post by Jimi on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 3:09pm

Ok girls. This one is for you. Who said that I couldn't be fair.

WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Oh please [smiley=smartass.gif]

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by BarbaraD on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 4:00pm

Jimi, you just ain't right..... :-*

Hugs BD

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by Kevin_M on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 8:31pm

on 03/22/06 at 15:09:08, Jimi wrote:

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Oh please [smiley=smartass.gif]

Here you go Jimi, a bit of that masterpiece Venus for you, with a slight mooning for that "oh please" comment.

http://www.artrenewal.org/images/artists/c/Carracci_Annibale/small/museum/Venus_with_a_Satyr_and_Cupids_WGA.jpg

and the Three Moons of Venus for the [smiley=smartass.gif]

http://p.webshots.com/ProThumbs/22/43922_wallpaper280.jpg

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by Lizzie2 on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 8:39pm

[smiley=crackup.gif]

I like those.... :)

The one about men not understanding women (being afraid of a spider) is an old bit by Jerry Seinfeld. Hilarious :)

Lizzie :)

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by alienspacebabe on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 9:11pm

on 03/22/06 at 15:09:08, Jimi wrote:

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

tit for tat....

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by CHTom on Mar 22^nd, 2006, 11:49pm

on 03/22/06 at 21:11:41, alienspacebabe wrote:

tit for tat....

I know what a tit is, but what is a "tat"? [smiley=huh.gif]
(I didn't always pay attention in biology class).

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by tanner on Mar 23^rd, 2006, 12:09am

Mensa Pick-Up Lines
This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?

I must say, you look ravishing, may I?

You don't have to be a phrenologist to appreciate breasts like yours.

Your habitat or mine?

Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a disreputable establishment such as this?

Would you care to postulate on recurrent coitus?

What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?

My premise is that my fervidness is limitless, care to debate?

It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd fall woefully short.

Currently I'm espousing monocratic relationships, are you a servus?

You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse.

What is your current hypothesis on pre-marital coitus?

Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!

Are you a student of debauchment?

You must be psychic, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night.

Are you aware that by kissing we can generate a force exceeding 750 psi?

That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes.

May I inquire as to your astrological constellation?

According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may be making love right now.

I noticed you in Applied Physics Class and thought you looked kind of interesting.

If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?

I'm formulating a new algorithm and need some test data; would you be kind enough to provide me with your torso statistics?

I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus.

Oh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and beautiful.

Miss, I'll have you barking like a canis familiaris.

Fate rarely puts the materials of happiness, such as yourself, into my field of vision.

...................tim

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by tanner on Mar 23^rd, 2006, 12:18am

God's Little Secret
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.

He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret. You know, woman to woman

...................tim

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by cootie on Mar 23^rd, 2006, 12:18am

Oh oh CHTom doesn't know what a 'tat' is.........did they studies tat's in biology ? Honk is yer tattoo'd Pam 8)

HONK............(brings back old memories)

Title: Re: Men vs Women
Post by _Lee_ on Mar 23^rd, 2006, 1:44am

Well I don't know about all this, I am having a hard time what all this matters.