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Title: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by fubar on Mar 13th, 2006, 3:28am Here we sit, waiting for news. We have been in the labor/delivery ward for 10 days now. There just isn't words to describe the pain and anguish of having to listen to all of these babies being born while we sit here grieving the death of one of our twins and hoping for a miracle with the other one. These easily tops my list of life experiences that I would delete if possible. Suicidal feelings are nipping at my brain, as if that would solve anything. I still can't believe it happened. Only 3 weeks ago, we were getting married on a cliff over the ocean. We were celebrating the beginning of a great new life together, and twins on the way. I felt as if my disaster of a life was finally taking a turn for the better, even if I have to deal with this beast we call CH on a daily basis. My new wife is everything I could hope for in a friend, lover, supporter, and has an uncanny ability to deal with me and my beastly moments. It ain't no picnic. On Wednesday, March 7th, everything changed. She was already in the hospital because of the vomiting and weak cervix, but the call I got at 5:30am was very clear. "We're losing the babies" I jumped in the truck and got to the hospital to find my wife in great pain. She was laboring hard, but the bay was breach (feet first) and the water had not broken. It actually took the entire day to deliver the baby. Most of this time, I could see his little leg and foot hanging out of mommy, but the cervix had not opened enough to allow his head to come out. So we waited and waited some more, all the while having painful contractions. When Andrew was born, he did not even have the ability to take a breath. His little heart beat for a few minutes, but he died there in our arms. He was so beautiful and perfectly peaceful. We held him between us for more than an hour, but eventually they took him away. I'll never forget that day. It's the worst day of my life, and I have a lot to choose from. Jen is emotionally destroyed. How do you get excited about the baby living inside you when you have to bury his little brother? It's not easy to get attached to the living baby now when you know, in all likelihood, that he will not survive. How can we go through the same exact pain again so soon? The fact is, infection is virtually a certainty, and that will mean the end of this pregnancy. Sure, they can work miracles and stave off an infection, but it's not exactly likely. Besides, they are giving indocin to quell contractions, and that has its own list of dangers to the fetus. So, if we are really lucky, we will be right here in the hospital for at least another 8-18 weeks. I'm just hoping to make it through next week. If an infection develops, this is the week it will happen. That would be catastrophic. If not, we face the possibility of a damaged baby from all of the medications, or a preemee baby with tons of complications for life. On the other hand, God may smile on us and give us a healthy son. Remote possibility, but the only possibility that works for me. The nurses here finally trust me to operate most of the machines for Jen, so that's kind of funny. I have done more ICU time than a lot of nurses. When Sandy was dying, we were at Stanford ICU for close to 2 years, so I know my way around these contraptions. I sleep here almost every night, so I make sure the monitors are all fed paper, and that her IV pump (which complains a lot) gets fixed without bothering people. At first that made them nervous, but they know better now. I'm having a hard time figuring out where my head is at. I mean, I want to be here and be happy for the baby we have left, but being on the verge of losing him too makes it hard for me to invest any feelings in him. That causes me to feel guilty, and the cycle repeats until I just want to die. I've always told people "You don't get to pick your problems. You get to deal with them". Somebody please tell me how I deal with this? I have been through some shit, including the death of nearly everyone I was ever close to. I thought it couldn't get worse. What a stupid, ignorant, and arrogant thought. Of course it can get worse. You are never going to be equipped to deal with an event like this. Arghhhhh. This must be what they call depression. |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by LeLimey on Mar 13th, 2006, 4:06am Oh Shawn, I'm so sorry. I have such an ache in my own heart reading what you and Jen are going through and I know it doesn't compare one iota to what you two are going through.. seventh level of hell doesn't begin to describe it. I wish I knew what words to say, I wish I had something profound that would help but there isn't anything anywhere that can ease this pain. We're thinking of you and holding our breath with you and for you, every day is a bonus, I refuse to think otherwise. If the power of love can work a miracle then you can expect one because I know the whole of clusterville is wishing you all well. You and Jen are in my thoughts all day every day. I'm praying hard for you all with much love Helen xxx |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Gator on Mar 13th, 2006, 4:41am on 03/13/06 at 04:06:31, LeLimey wrote:
What she said, bro. Much love and all my best hopes and wishes for you, Jen and the baby. I just wish there were more we could do. Mike |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Svenn on Mar 13th, 2006, 6:17am Ditto to what already have been said here What you two have been trough , nobody cant imagine The very best from Svenn :'( :'( :'( :'( |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Melissa on Mar 13th, 2006, 6:42am Somehow, you keep going. Don't know if it's the resilience of the human spirit or what but you just keep going. Somehow, you will. :-*mel |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Jasmyn on Mar 13th, 2006, 6:57am Shawn, I am so sorry, this is hell. You are stronger than you think, when you've gone through all you had already in life, strength is part of you. It does not mean that you won't come to places when you want to give up because it seems too much and overwelming and it hurts too much but if there is someone to pull Jen through this it will be you. I have faith in you and Jen needs you to remind her of your love. Hope is the one thing you have left. Concentrate on hope, whatever the future brings, you have each other. [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Mar 13th, 2006, 6:58am Helen said it so very well. Prayers continue to go up for your and your family. Hugs Carol |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by stevegeebe on Mar 13th, 2006, 6:58am Fu..I'm so sorry. Our prayers are with you all. Steve G |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by tanner on Mar 13th, 2006, 7:05am Fu, there is nothing to say that hasn't been said above! Just please keep hoping and add Linda and I to the large family sending our prayers your way.. Tim |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by cardogman on Mar 13th, 2006, 7:09am I'm terribly sorry to hear of the anguish and heartache you are experiencing. I remember very clearly when our daughter was born our first child and she was rushed to another hospital at birth and they told us she was critical and wouldn't survive the night. That was 22 years ago and she graduated college last May. Hang in there and take one day at a time. You and your wife have your coping mechanisms and you will get through this. I am sure all the folks here are praying for you. Burt |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by E-Double on Mar 13th, 2006, 7:39am I wish I could reach out and hug ya man! Prayers for you all!!! |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by medic1852 on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:25am There is nothing I can say to take away the pain you are feeling. I am truly sorry and am thinking about you and your wife and my thoughts and prayers are with you. http://bestsmileys.com/religous/5.gif Rodger :'( |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by nani on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:27am :'( No words. Just hugs and love and prayers. [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Dragnlance on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:30am I can't even express what I feel for you. Sorry is just not enough. What can I say. I sit here in my own pain knowing it is nothing close to what you and Jen are going thru. All I can say is May God Bless the 3 of you Lance |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Cathi04 on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:46am Shawn, Helen said it for me as well. Sadly, you are the one waiting, wringing your hands, trying to figure out what to do with yourself. I wish we could all gather round you there at the hospital, in person. Since we cant, we all watch for updates from you, silently waiting. Again, I remind you, miracles happen. You saw one, Fu...please try to hang onto that. You'll be up on that cliff again, Shawn, celebrating your love once again..and if you're lucky, you will be holding that baby. Let us know how we can help. Cathi |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by minnie on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:57am on 03/13/06 at 08:27:28, nani wrote:
http://bestsmileys.com/religous/5.gif Minnie who's gonna finish crying and then continue praying for you and your family |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by ABarham on Mar 13th, 2006, 8:58am What more can be said? Just know that we are all with you in spirit. Our love and prayers reach out to you. Just hold on to each other, you will make it and we are all here to help. Love and Prayers, Louise |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Lizzie2 on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:00am All the love and prayers I have to give are coming your way. I'm going to send you a PM right after this - if you get it and are up for it, please call me - or PM me back and I'll call you - I have free long distance. I'm sure people from neonatology have come and spoken to you, and it's not like I have any brand new great wisdom after only working there since last summer, but you are my friend and my brother through CH - if you'd like to talk about some of the information they've given you or even just vent your frustrations - I'm here. Wish I could be there with both of you now... Gentle hugs, Carrie |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by aprilbee on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:07am Many hugs and prayers...what else can be said? :'( Praying to give you strength and understanding... |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by sandie99 on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:32am Shawn, All I can say is that you, Jen and your baby have been on my thoughts and prayers all the time. I wish you strength on this difficult time. [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] And thank you for taking time to let us know how things are going. We all are wishing you the best. Sanna |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by LeeS on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:42am Shawn. You were fundamentally instrumental in changing my life for the better. I've always wished I could reciprocate, but never so much as now. Keep battling mate. -Lee |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Mastifflvr28 on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:50am vibes and prayers goin up to ya. thinking of you guys constantly, Mast |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Margi on Mar 13th, 2006, 10:09am praying for your miracle, Shawn, with all that I have. Peace is Andrew's now and he's where he was meant to be. Ours is not to question why. |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Woobie on Mar 13th, 2006, 10:15am :'( :'( [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by catlind on Mar 13th, 2006, 10:35am :'( Sending all the prayers and positive energy and hoping for your miracle. I can't tell you how to deal with this, I can't begin to fathom it. Cat |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Peppermint on Mar 13th, 2006, 10:37am Shawn, I won't try to make sense out of this heartbreaking time for you and your wife. The only thing you can do is to hold on to that love for your babies and your family and hold on to hope. I've typed a number of things here and erased them...just want to say... when you love someone, their spirit and the love you have for them will always be with you. I'm very sorry for your loss. Praying for hope. Pep |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Shaz on Mar 13th, 2006, 11:04am Shawn and Jen. Again all my love and thoughts are with you. It is simply not possible to imagine the pain you must be going through. All three of you are on my mind all the time and like everyone else out here, Iam so rooting for you. Love, hugs and kisses to you all. Hang on xxxxxxxx Shaz :-* :-* |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Langa on Mar 13th, 2006, 12:21pm Oh Shawn...I feel awful...having been through the same situation, I can understand your pain. :'( There really are no words. But know for sure this family is with you and you, your wife and the baby are in our thoughts and prayers. As Pep said, my prayer for you is hope right now and must comfort during these very trying times. Hugs, Langa |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by vig on Mar 13th, 2006, 12:24pm how you react in a real crisis is what defines you.... keep strong Shawn, better days are coming. :'( |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Charlie on Mar 13th, 2006, 12:33pm Pretty hard to add to the sentiments here but add my thoughts, prayers and wishes. Such a nasty thing to happen to you all. I can't imagine. You must have some kind of strength to post to the board. Life owes you big time. Charlie |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Karla on Mar 13th, 2006, 12:34pm You will get through this. Think about talking to your dr. about getting an antidepressant to get you through this rough spot. You need to be there for your wife. Talk and communicate. Remember to take care of yourself also. With much love and prayers. Karla |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Ree on Mar 13th, 2006, 3:09pm Shawn, I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing ever prepares us for the death of our children and I know how much you wanted these babies. Please stay well and focused so that you can be strong for your Jen. I am praying and standing vigil awaiting news of a strong happy healthy baby... Gods love to you and Be well.....love ree |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Mark C on Mar 13th, 2006, 5:14pm My Family is Praying for your Family Clusterbud...God be with you........... |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Guiseppi on Mar 13th, 2006, 5:33pm As I parent I can only offer you my prayers and understanding. Guiseppi |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by SFChris on Mar 13th, 2006, 5:47pm Shawn, As you know, I live only an hour away and will help in any way I can. Give me call (you have the number) if I can do anything - sending much love brother. Chris |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by cardogman on Mar 13th, 2006, 7:48pm How are things going since the post. Any word, any improvemnt? Burt |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by broomhilda on Mar 13th, 2006, 9:10pm Continued prayers for each and every one of you all, my heart aches along with yours, please know we are here for you... Hugs Andrea |
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Title: Re: Update from the seventh level of hell... Post by Goblin on Mar 14th, 2006, 4:31pm You dont know me but I will hope all goes well and will PRAY for you and your wife. :'( :'( :'( |
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