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Title: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Carl_D on Jan 28th, 2006, 7:13pm CHUCK NORRIS, best known as "Walker: Texas Ranger" is the ultimate in bad-ass. Need proof? Just check the facts: Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?" In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. But wait.. there's more.... |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Carl_D on Jan 28th, 2006, 7:22pm Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down! Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order. Still more facts on the way... |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Carl_D on Jan 28th, 2006, 7:37pm Chuck Norris does not read books. He stares them down until he gets the information out of them he wants. Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks. Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1:Heart disease 2:Chuck Norris 3:Cancer Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God." They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick." Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris." Too late, not a very nice person. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. There are so many mor examples of just how bad-ass The Chuck is. Respect the Chuck. Or DIE! Peace, Carl |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Carl_D on Jan 28th, 2006, 8:10pm Last week, the folks at Saturday Night Live did a very emotional tribute to the Young Chuck Norris. If you missed it, here it is: http://gorillamask.net/snlcn.shtml |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Kris_in_SJ on Jan 28th, 2006, 8:28pm While I'm not sure of the point this thread is trying to make, I will say that while I was still a nurse working in Chicago, one of my patients was Chuck's "body double." He was having knee surgery for torn ligaments. Too many roundhouse kicks, I guess ..... Kris |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Jonny on Jan 28th, 2006, 8:32pm on 01/28/06 at 20:28:47, Kris_in_SJ wrote:
;) Edit to add:....just a waste of DJ's bandwith!! Have you hit the Paypal button, Carl? |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by john_d on Jan 28th, 2006, 8:34pm on 01/28/06 at 20:10:08, Carl_D wrote:
that was an SNL skit? that was really dumb, they must be in one of their unfunny periods |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by zwibbs/Scott on Jan 29th, 2006, 3:25am [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] [smiley=huh.gif] :o |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by sandie99 on Jan 29th, 2006, 9:58am Maybe I'm just tired, but some of those CN pieces were hilarious! ;;D |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by BarbaraD on Jan 29th, 2006, 10:02am And he was born on MY birthday and I just love that roundhouse kick..... only reason I ever watch Walker Texas Ranger.... well that and the way he filled out his jeans Hey, I'm OLD, I ain't dead :-* Hugs BD |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by chewy on Jan 29th, 2006, 10:12am He's also the worst actor on the planet. Siegal would kick his ass. |
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Title: Re: Amazing Facts About CHUCK NORRIS! Post by Charlie on Jan 29th, 2006, 1:57pm Yer weird Carl http://subscribe.smileygenerator.us/new/albums//whoah.gif?SSImageQuality=Full Quote:
Can't argue with that. Charlie |
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