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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 Funnies and Jokes >> True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
        
(Message started by: Jeepgun on Nov 2^nd, 2005, 2:59pm)

Title: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 2^nd, 2005, 2:59pm

TRUE -questions to Oz Tourist Board
The following is from an email I received, great stuff...
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by AussieBrian on Nov 2^nd, 2005, 9:31pm

(From "The Australian" newspaper)

The Incidental Tourist

There are incidental tourists, accidental tourists, and those who should never tour at all. I've spent 20 happy years in this industry and can tell you the customer ain't always right, is sometimes outright wrong, and occassionally deserves to be bitten on the nose.

"Why is it raining?"

"Because it's the wet season. Done this every summer for the past 360 million years. When did you book?"

I recently carried a couple travelling internationally with a toddler, 12 very large pieces of luggage, and two prams. I had to ask and it seems the little darling sometimes dislikes the blue one, so they put him in the brown.

Another pair-plus-brat and luggage X 17 included pram, crib, playpen, high chair and tricycle, all in customised wrappers, and didn't they perform when I had trouble fitting it all in. (Glad they never tipped.)

I love tourists, really I do. They pay my wages and allow me the most wonderful life-style - most of the time. Turned my hobby into a job, took me places I'd never have seen, stories and music I'd never have heard.

"Did I tell you I don't eat onions?"

Evening one of a four-day outback safari. No towns, no shops for miles, and all the tucker's on the roof rack. I'm going to be cooking for a group of eight on an open fire in camp-ovens and I suddenly find she can't eat onions.

Try cooking in the bush without onions!

I managed it somehow and only overheard on the last leg of the journey that, apparently, ladies break wind an average of ten times a day and if she onions it puts her up to 14 or more. Forgive me, I'm just a mug tour-guide and don't always know how to express my feelings.

Dear tourist, if you've a dietary requirement we'll bend over backwards to accommodate. Be it health, religion, or the cosmic influence of Jupiter! But a bit of notice would be nice.

Then their were the blokes I gave foam stubbie-coolers into which they promptly poured their beer. There's that little hole in the bottom, eh, and it seems the durn thangs ain't real gurd.

And you know how kookaburras have their parliamentary sessions each arvo, well, what are they actually talking about? Had to admit that while I'm pretty good in crow and willy-wagtail, I don't speak much kooka at all.

People who are terrified of butterflies shouldn't book on all-day nature walks.

The lady who saw our Southern Cross for the first time and was staggered. "Wow, it's just like on your flag!"

Without doubt, though, the worst offenders are those who travel simply to compare my little patch with what they have at home. "Our hills are taller/greener/more shapely. Our deserts are dryer, our rain is wetter, our sheep are woollier, our shops are better."

"Oh, my god, those rituals are positively pagan!"

Some people really should stay at home and it would suit so many others if they did.

Talk to your driver, to your guide, your consierge, the house mouse. For every story you've got about horrible treatment or service, we've 100 stories about tourists who never got what they really deserved.

As for the other 99.9% of you, I've one word.

Welcome.

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 8:18am

LMAO!! There was a Japanese woman that I was talking to, in a little pub, one night. Apparently, she'd gone to Venice, and fell in the canal. A couple of nice people fished her out, and said, "You're a tourist, aren't you?" She asked, "How did you know?" They replied, "Because tourists are the only ones who fall in the canal." [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by pubgirl on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 8:40am

Thanks guys, VERY funny. Gave me the first smile of the day.
:D

Wendy

I am ashamed to admit that when I was a cop and was sick of giving directions to almost anywhere in London and anyone asked me where Leicester Square was and pronounced it Lysester I used to pretend I had no idea where they were talking about :-[

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by AussieBrian on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 8:51am

Goes the other way, too. I was cajoling a Swedish girl into swimming with me underneath Millaa Millaa falls (remarkably cold) and she said, "No. No. It vill frrreeze my balls off!"

Equally, we were in Lake Eacham just on sunset when I noticed a French girl quietly sobbing. I swam over to find out the problem and she said "It's like swimming in a postcard".

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by zanychef on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 9:32am

its like when people ask me for wor ces ter shiyre sauce

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by JeffB on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 2:45pm

I had a great time down under and even dated a police chiefs daughter in Perth when I was in the Navy. I didn't see any drop bears though, and I think they a not being honest about their friendly snakes. Can someone down there call the Gold Coast International Hotel and see if I'm still banned for life or am I forgiven for damaging a few rooms and a hallway?

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 3:48pm

[quote author=pubgirl link=board=funnies;num=1130961551;start=0#3 date=11/03/05 at 08:40:45]Thanks guys, VERY funny. Gave me the first smile of the day.
:D

Wendy

I am ashamed to admit that when I was a cop and was sick of giving directions to almost anywhere in London and anyone asked me where Leicester Square was and pronounced it Lysester I used to pretend I had no idea where they were talking about :-[/quote]

Okay: I have to ask. What is the correct way to pronounce Leicester? "Lay-chester"?

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Margi on Nov 3^rd, 2005, 5:05pm

Well, Frank, if worcestershire is pronounced "wooster" (at least that's how we Canadians say it), then I would say that Leicester would be pronounded "licester". But then whaddo I know...?

After all, we say "leftenant" for "lieutenant". Go figure. ::)

What's really fun, though, is getting an American to pronounce "Saskatchewan". ;)

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 4^th, 2005, 8:17am

Or the word "Colonel," being pronounced, "kernel."

Saskatchewan is pronounced, "Sass-catch-eh-wan," isn't it?

(Damn Yanks...) ;;D

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by zanychef on Nov 4^th, 2005, 8:19am

on 11/03/05 at 15:48:27, Jeepgun wrote:

Okay: I have to ask. What is the correct way to pronounce Leicester? "Lay-chester"?

lester ;;D ;;D

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 4^th, 2005, 8:55am

Oh man... I'm hopeless.. LMAO!

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by zanychef on Nov 4^th, 2005, 8:58am

on 11/04/05 at 08:55:07, Jeepgun wrote:

Oh man... I'm hopeless.. LMAO!

:-X i say nothing ;)

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by pubgirl on Nov 4^th, 2005, 9:14am

Try pronouncing Beauchamp and Cholmondely then.

(Beecham and Chumley)

and what hope have foreigners learning English when we have:

cough
bough
rough
through

and they are all pronounced differently

Stupid bloody language

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 4^th, 2005, 9:23am

My wife speaks English as a second language. She REALLY has a tough time with this stuff! (and as a Yank, I've been told that I don't speak English, anyway!) [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by AussieBrian on Nov 4^th, 2005, 9:35am

on 11/04/05 at 09:14:33, pubgirl wrote:

cough
bough
rough
through

dough
slough
bought
Scarborough
hiccough

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by JeffB on Nov 4^th, 2005, 11:18am

coxwain = coxen
boatswains mate = bos'nmate

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Ronny on Nov 4^th, 2005, 1:24pm

Do you know what's really funny?

An englishman or american who tries to speak french.

Muahahahaha
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jeepgun on Nov 4^th, 2005, 1:32pm

Southerners who try to speak Japanese. LMAO!! [smiley=laugh.gif]

That shit will bend your ears!

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by sandie99 on Nov 6^th, 2005, 4:25pm

[smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by pubgirl on Nov 6^th, 2005, 4:28pm

Americans talking cockney? Dick Van Dyke [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Brits doing American? [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Gwyneth Paltrow does a pretty good Brit accent in films though, bet its even better now she married one.

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by LeLimey on Nov 6^th, 2005, 4:36pm

on 11/04/05 at 09:14:33, pubgirl wrote:

Try pronouncing Beauchamp and Cholmondely then.

(Beecham and Chumley)

Can't wait til some of these guys come to the UK.. can you imagine how their little hearts will sink when I say I'm taking them to Belvoir and they see where they end up eh Wendy?!! ;;D

Title: Re: True Questions To Australian Tourism Board
Post by Jimmy B. on Nov 7^th, 2005, 2:47pm

on 11/03/05 at 14:45:56, JeffB wrote:

AHHHHHH...Australia whilst on leave from a Navy ship.... [smiley=sayyes.gif] [smiley=bloos.gif] [smiley=smokin.gif] [smiley=biggrin.gif]

I was on my 1st World Tour aboard the Missouri in 1986, when we arrived in Australia. Perth/Freemantle for 2 weeks, then on to Hobart for a week and finally to Sydney for two weeks during the Christmas/Boxing Day season.

1st thing the Chief tells us is to stay out of King's Cross. So where's the 1st place we go to....that's right King's Cross. Couldn't find a good cheeseburger (Hungry Jack's WTF...it's Burger King) but the beer, snooker & Birds were all good. ;;D

Jimmy

PS ....If any of you Brits come to Philadelphia, I'll have to take you to the Schuylkill to watch the Dad Vail Regatta, then it's on to Wissahickon.