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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 Funnies and Jokes >> The Stance
        
(Message started by: Sandy_C on Aug 8^th, 2005, 9:19am)

Title: The Stance
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 8^th, 2005, 9:19am

The Real Restroom Story

Only a woman will TRULY relate to this (and husbands
will better understand...)!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When
I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover The seat.

Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet
in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago.

Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially! when one's bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there.So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also
crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get
closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get In to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for The new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn't -- so
you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

Ahhhh, relief. More relief.

But then your thighs begin to sha! ke. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling
thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in
front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother
would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because
you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with
the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to
smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the
woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever
had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 8^th, 2005, 11:21am

Mens' version:
1. Exit the back door of the house
2. Stand on the deck
3. Unbutton trousers
4. Whip out "Floppsy" and proceed to "water the lawn."
5. Shake it off a couple of times
6. Tuck it back into trousers
7. Button fly
8. Carry on with the day.

::) [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 8^th, 2005, 1:19pm

Floppsy? How interesting! ;;D

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by sassy_lady on Aug 8^th, 2005, 1:33pm

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 8^th, 2005, 2:11pm

on 08/08/05 at 13:19:27, Sandy_C wrote:

Floppsy? How interesting! ;;D

Well... The only way to piss with an erection, is to adopt the "flying Superman" pose. (Guys, you know what I'm talking about!) LMAO!!

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by giffy76 on Aug 10^th, 2005, 5:49am

Man I hate morning wood! My son is now understanding the un-ending joy of peeing off the porch. The bathroom is actually closer to the livingroom than the porch but it's a freedom thing you wimmens wouldn't understand.

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 11^th, 2005, 9:34am

on 08/08/05 at 14:11:38, Frank_W wrote:

Well... The only way to piss with an erection, is to adopt the "flying Superman" pose. (Guys, you know what I'm talking about!) LMAO!!

I'm trying to picture this :-/. Could you demonstrate please?
;;D

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 11^th, 2005, 10:50am

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 13 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded "morning wood."

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."

OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature."

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by LeLimey on Aug 11^th, 2005, 10:53am

Thats the biggest load of hydraulics I've ever read. ::)

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 11^th, 2005, 10:58am

The flying Superman position!

[smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif]

ROFLMAO! I'm laughing so hard now I'm peeing in my pants!

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 11^th, 2005, 12:23pm

I figured that explanation would do better than a photograph. In this instance, it's a case of a thousand words being worth a picture. LOL

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by sandie99 on Aug 11^th, 2005, 1:11pm

Guys, when it's the weekly cleaning time... do YOU clean the bathrooms?

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 11^th, 2005, 2:12pm

on 08/11/05 at 13:11:13, sandie99 wrote:

Guys, when it's the weekly cleaning time... do YOU clean the bathrooms?

They aren't self-cleaning? [smiley=huh.gif] Who knew?

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by sassy_lady on Aug 11^th, 2005, 2:33pm

Frank you are a card!!!! [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif]

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 11^th, 2005, 4:15pm

I have copies and pasted the "Flying Superman Position" information and e-mailed it to one or two very close friends (and a ton of other people!). Funniest thing I have read!

Thank you Frank - you made my day!

Sandy ;;D ;;D ;;D

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by redtaz on Aug 11^th, 2005, 4:38pm

[smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=bow.gif] [smiley=bow.gif] [smiley=bow.gif] [smiley=bow.gif]

Well said Frankw

Dape

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 12^th, 2005, 8:23am

*bowing* ;;D [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by giffy76 on Aug 12^th, 2005, 9:39am

Frank pees like a girl. That's funny! I cured this problem by simply peeing in the front yard. The only thing worse than peeing with morning wood is after-coital peeing, After-coital urination can be expelled in 3 seperate streems due to dried seminal fluid around the pee hole, this can be cured by peeing in the front yard or peeing in the shower. NEVER try to pee in the toilet with this condition, results will definately be bad.

Title: Re: The Stance
Post by Frank_W on Aug 12^th, 2005, 10:17am

Nawww.... I pee off of the deck. It's 12' above the driveway, so I really get good projection and velocity. LOL!

I agree: The post-coital piss is... freaky. LOL!