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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 Funnies and Jokes >> Employee Memo
        
(Message started by: Langa on Apr 1^st, 2005, 3:47pm)

Title: Employee Memo
Post by Langa on Apr 1^st, 2005, 3:47pm

Dear Staff,

SALARY
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Title: Re: Employee Memo
Post by Frank_W on Apr 1^st, 2005, 4:42pm

Let me guess: Walmart, right? :-X [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Employee Memo
Post by Langa on Apr 1^st, 2005, 4:45pm

on 04/01/05 at 16:42:41, Frank_W wrote:

Let me guess: Walmart, right? :-X [smiley=laugh.gif]

:-X

Title: Re: Employee Memo
Post by jokrs2 on Apr 2^nd, 2005, 2:57am

Hey! Ya get what ya pay fer ;;D Wish I was employable [smiley=huh.gif]

Title: Re: Employee Memo
Post by vietvet2tours on Apr 2^nd, 2005, 2:27pm

I couldn't pass the piss test at Wally's.

Title: Re: Employee Memo
Post by sandie99 on Apr 4^th, 2005, 3:19am

[smiley=laugh.gif]