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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 Cluster Headache Specific Posts >> Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
        
(Message started by: snook on Jan 4^th, 2005, 1:01pm)

Title: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by snook on Jan 4^th, 2005, 1:01pm

:'( Hey guys, Im in need of letting out some pent up emotion . The hubby had a killer ch last night, lasted 3 hours. Most of you know me by now and as the wife I get it, the one thing alot of supporters dont talk alot about is how it effects us the next day or even that night.Something as simple as reaching out for a hug this morning and I got the brush off. Now I understand really I do , but I cant tell ya how hard it can be, you can feel so lonely and its not his or anybodys fault except for the beast. He feels bad and I get it, but it really takes its toll on us . I guess I just wanted to let others to know your not alone and YES ITS HARD (or not) ha ha . Sometimes no I hate these chs soooo much. Not only for the chs but for others too. When they hit which has been so long now for us, it steals all desire understandablyso but it just sucks ya know. Im not being a baby, it just gets lonely I dont want to be I me mine, but when your use to a certain form of effection and lets face it SEX, these FFFFFFFF have changed our life. Im praying everyday they will go away so we can get our lives back on track. I think sometimes its good to talk about this situation Im sure Im not alone dealing with it, I just havent really seen anyone come right out and talk about this. ( may I missed it). Anyway thanks for letting me unload, it took alot for me to write in about this I dont know why Im not ashamed just horny and frustrated and pissed at these chs not at him Im not a prude it cant be easy for the ones getting the chs eitherI Im sure. So to all the chs that self med themselves for the time being Im self vibrating myself. Another thing we never really did before is have fights over the dumbest things , anyway I dont know thanks again SNOOK

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by vig on Jan 4^th, 2005, 1:08pm

Yes, I'm sorry Snook.
Be patient...

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by nani on Jan 4^th, 2005, 2:42pm

Oh snookie... I know it must be so hard for you. Is your husband episodic? If so, he should feel more affectionate after his cycle. I'm sure the waiting is the hardest. Hang in there, sweetie...this, too, shall pass. [smiley=hug.gif] I wish I was close enough to really hug you.

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by snook on Jan 4^th, 2005, 2:51pm

Oh Nani your always here!!!! and the rest of ya, just being able vent is such a biggy. I just think that this is something that must effect EVERYONE involved and to be able to have an outlet to express yourself is soooo helpful to me no matter what the subject matter is ya know, no jugements just friends. What a blessing that is .snook I and he are thinking he is episotic, if it means chs everyday same time same channel , not a day has passed for lets see 9months now. Im tring to talk him into seeing another doc he gets all his meds from the VA,.

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by nani on Jan 4^th, 2005, 3:00pm

We are all blessed to have each other. :-*

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by becky8 on Jan 4^th, 2005, 3:21pm

Vent and vent somemore, its the best!!! It's hard having CH or living with someone with it and thats why were here! [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif]

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Langa on Jan 4^th, 2005, 3:51pm

HI Snook:

Just wanted to say to continue to be patient and be strong. You're a wonderful supporter, so many of us wish we had supporters like you.

This cycle will end...it will pass, though it seems neverending right now and then you two will make up for lost time when the cycle is over... ;)

Langa

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Gator on Jan 4^th, 2005, 5:12pm

It sucks that so many suffer because one person is in pain. The spouse/significant other, the kids, friends other family, etc all get the short end of the attention span which causes feelings of frustration and rejection. The sufferer feels guilty because he or she sees what the ones he loves is going through because of his or her pain. While the frustration builds in the supporter, the guilt weighs heavier on the sufferer and a vicious cycle is born and perpetuated.

I hope your husband's cycle ends soon and your lives can get back to "normal." In the meantime, when you need an ear or a shoulder we will be here for you.

Gator

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by snook on Jan 4^th, 2005, 6:12pm

Gator, GATOR gATOR, Sounds to me you understand, this WAS NOT A PLEE FOR POOR ME. I know you know that, there must be so many of us out there supporters, and cluster heads that deal with this topic. Thats the wonderful thing about site no couch to have to sit on just our pcs an punch away and no payments to the doctor when you leave a session!!!!!! I just wish more would open up an share. I cant tell you how much better I felt unloading this , I know it will pass and god bless poor Bill when it does( get ready MOMMAS CUMMING) IM BAD OH WELL WHAT THE HELL I LET MY HAIR DOWN WHEN I STARTED THIS !!!!! Thanks for caringGATOR!!!!!! SNOOK

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by snook on Jan 4^th, 2005, 6:35pm

:-X Jonny, if your out there I know your a kidder and have that famous joker side of you, but I would really like your imput on this topic if you can . If you want, youve lived with chs for a long time and I really would be grateful for any imput. Even if you cant restrain from the wonderful humor we have all grown to love. I really wish this subject wasnt taboo, Im frustrated here and well ya know SNOOK

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Kevin_M on Jan 4^th, 2005, 8:44pm

on 01/04/05 at 14:51:09, snook wrote:

I and he are thinking he is episotic, if it means chs everyday same time same channel , not a day has passed for lets see 9months now

Quote:

Im tring to talk him into seeing another doc he gets all his meds from the VA,.

I'd work that angle a bit more. Getting hit regularly on a daily basis for nine months seems to be the problem to be worked on better.

It can be better.

Kevin M

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Kris_in_SJ on Jan 4^th, 2005, 9:06pm

I'm with Kevin on this one, Snook. We all love you and want to help, but 9 months with no improvement means maybe it's time for a change? The VA is great, but doesn't always mean the most cutting edge of treatment. Maybe a second opinion outside? Just a thought ....

Meanwhile, I once noticed that they sell some dynamite vibrator-thingies in Cosmo.

Sorry - don't mean to make light. We DO care. Hang in there!

Kris

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Wendy1 on Jan 4^th, 2005, 10:37pm

Snook,

As a sufferer, unfortunately I have to admit that I don't really think about what my husband is going through. I know it's tough watching me helpless to do anything... however, I guess in all honesty we are just so consumed in our minute to minute, day to day survival that we sometimes forget about the world around us and how our illness affects others.

Myself, I do not do so intentionally. I guess I just assume that my husband understands. On the other hand I know that as a woman, our emotions are softer, whereas my husband can really brush it off easier.

Hang in there and try not to take it personally. You too must tell yourself, it WILL stop. Good Luck.

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Chillrmn1 on Jan 5^th, 2005, 5:58am

[quote author=Wendy1 link=board=chspecific;num=1104861320;start=0#12 date=01/04/05 at 22:37:49]Snook,

I know it's tough watching me helpless to do anything... however, I guess in all honesty we are just so consumed in our minute to minute, day to day survival that we sometimes forget about the world around us and how our illness affects others.

Ditto to Wendy's statement.

As a sufferer, I really have to give my wife a thumbs up for sticking thru this with me. I'm sure it's really hard and frustrating for the better half without the CH problem.

Salute to all the great supporters!

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by E-Double on Jan 5^th, 2005, 7:42am

Hi Snook,

I on the other hand feel much more pain when I see or know that my wife is hurting because I am fighting....

It seems that she is hurting more lately because, well, my noggin is misbehaving more consistently again.

Last night we sat down and had a nice talk bringing us both to tears. It helps. She has guilt & I have guilt.....
We both feel helpless at times.... She can't help me and because I am in pain I know that she is hurting.

The one thing she demands (and I agree) is an open line of communication regardless how much it hurts.

This way resentment does not build up and guilt lessens a bit.

In fact, I just came across a post of her's from last night(on the supporters board).
The poor thing. My "lil-jo" as she calls herself here suffers as much as I do and you suffer as much as your hubby. It's just different yet the similarities are stunning if you guys really communicate about the situation.

As far as the "nookie" situation......Not to be a wisea$$ but I have to tell ya that despite my head hurting for 8 months.....I personally would never turn it down. That is one thing that works ok.....Then again I know that there have been times where she is afraid to come near me.....

That just means a breakdown in communication......

Talk to him!!!

Hugs to you,

Eric

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by Gator on Jan 6^th, 2005, 1:08am

Snook, hun, I do understand. I've been through it all with my wife, the feelings of frustration and rejection and even the lack of sexual fullfillment. Yeah, I admit it, my sex drive went down through the floor and stayed there at first. It still isn't where it once was. With me getting hit 5 times a day and her not being able to do anything to help she pretty much had a breakdown and we all but stopped talking or anything else. She would get mad and then get mad at herself for getting mad. Even when I did feel like getting intimate, she didn't - afraid of causing another attack. She ended up seeing a psychiatrist. He helped her realize she was mad at the CH and the situation and not at me and that it was okay to be mad at the headaches. She opened up and started talking with me about her feelings and things improved remarkably. We even have the occassional romp around the bedroom these days, but even when we can't for whatever reason, she now knows it's okay for her to take matters into her own hands if the tension gets that bad. She was afraid I woud be upset or think less of her, but I let her know different. Hell, there have been a time or two that knowing she was put me in a very accomodating frame of mind.

I must admit, parts of this reply are somewhat embarrassing to make public. You know how us guys have to be all macho and studly - ready to bounce at the drop of a hat and all. LOL I'm sure you are not the only one going through this and if it helps you and others, then it's worth it. I know that my situation is a little different than yours, but the answer to the problem is probably the same - communication. Make sure he knows you are frustrated at the situation and not with him. Let him know you understand the lack of drive and that he's not the only one that has that problem. Show him this post if you need to. Maybe you can get him to open up to you. Hopefully you two can get together and really discuss the situation and come up with some answers to all aspects of your relationship.

Hugs to you and good luck. Call me if you need to talk. I'll send you my phone number in a PM.

Mike

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by bobbio56 on Jan 7^th, 2005, 11:13pm

Good points above. I found a new girlfriend about a year ago. I've been chronic for the last 2 years. Actually, she kinda found me because in the middle of 4-8 hits/day, I really wasn't looking.
I tried to explain in the early going about CH. She witnessed a couple of nasty ones in the beginning.
Point.........I always try to get her to consider these bastards as an evil entity, separate from me and my body. They are to be fought with a ferocious vengance. As you all know, easier said than done. The separation of them from me seems to help her deal with them as a supporter. She's been magnificent through all this from day one. I don't know how I made through the first 7 yrs of these without her. Gee, starting to sound a little deeper than I know I am. Exit soapbox. PFD Bobbio

Title: Re: Rejection is hard, I know its not personnel
Post by CC2004 on Jan 8^th, 2005, 12:51am

on 01/07/05 at 23:13:50, bobbio56 wrote:

Bobbio - I cant bear to imagine how it must be to be chronic, I hope you find some relief
I think you've made an excellent point - these bastards attack us, they are not ours, we do not own them, they invade and attack - we are victims but damn strong ones, as strong as we can be, and as caring as we can be for those who suffer also because of our pain
Blessings to you both, and to you and yours Snook
take care & keep strong
CC [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=hug.gif]