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Title: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by survivor13 on Nov 15th, 2004, 9:01pm a co-worker recently read an insert from a print out about c/h's. to me and it said that there was a 20% suicide rate with chronic sufferers. i remember in 1996 after 72 hrs. of attacks. i had told myself i can't take this anymore. i actually had a gun to my head. that was also the first time i passed out while having an attack. people say that was GOD"S way of saying (no, were not doing this). after i woke 20 mins. later, the gun was laying beside me. i asked both my family and nuro. dr. about the passing out, both said that everyone has a threshhold of pain and when u go over it, the brain sometimes will say (nite, nite). this has only happened about 6 times in 13 years. i once passed out while sitting on the edge of my parents bathtub, fell and cut my head. has anyone expierenced this (passing out, not the gun). ALWAYS REMEMBER IT WILL GO AWAY! |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Ruth on Nov 15th, 2004, 9:05pm Have never had the passing out experience, just the gun experience. Ruth |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by survivor13 on Nov 15th, 2004, 9:09pm always tell my self now 20 more minutes, 15 more minutes etc.. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by don on Nov 15th, 2004, 9:18pm Been on this site for 3 years, have had CH for 28 years, and have never once known of anyone committing suicide solely due to CH. What was the insert from? |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by survivor13 on Nov 15th, 2004, 9:46pm something is wife got off the internet, while looking up my disorder. will try to find out what site. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by cschick on Nov 15th, 2004, 10:50pm considered suicide several times. couldn't find the guns - hubby hid them from me, Thank God! Never passed out other than going to the ER and they knocked me out for 24 hours with some good drugs. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by unsolved1 on Nov 15th, 2004, 11:11pm Coping With Pain (http://www.headachedrugs.com/archives/coping_with_pain.html) Before Suicide (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/) Unsolved |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Karla on Nov 15th, 2004, 11:15pm There have been many of times I have held a gun to my head but didn't have the balls to pull the trigger. I have had my husband lock up the guns and hid the key to keeep me safe. I would most definely be dead by now if it were not for an intervention plan! |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Magick on Nov 15th, 2004, 11:16pm I've passed out 2 times that I know of. (Found the o2 mask on the floor still on) I agree that the brain just says "fu*k this!" then goes to sleep. Happens to people with injuries all the time. (Without the loss of blood) I only wish it happen more often!! [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by nani on Nov 15th, 2004, 11:58pm I have never passed out from a CH, but kept passing out from a brain hemmorhage. Each time the morphine wore off (before the surgery) I was OUT. Have considered suicide during CH- both during an actual hit and during "down" time in a bad episode. I apparently have too great a sense of responsibility to the growing number of people (young and old) that I care for (literally- not as in care about - but I suppose I feel responsible about leaving people I care about too). Anyway - still here, probably not goin' anywhere soon. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by sandie99 on Nov 16th, 2004, 5:31am Survivor, There has been moments in my life when I have been thinking about killing myself, but I never got that far, you know, that I would have a gun in my hand. I just thought about it... And once the pain eventually ended, the suicital thoughts did, too. But I have told everyone in my life that these HAs I suffer from have a nasty nickname. I have never passed out. PFdays, sandie99 |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Magman on Nov 16th, 2004, 5:59am Been there, done that. Have passed out twice from CH attack. Once on the couch and once on the stair case. Jan 19th found me with the 357 pointed at the Beast. Thank gawd I looked to see where the trigger was, because I saw my wifes picture and said NO! I found this site on Jan 20th at 4AM...THANKS DJ Peace and life to all, -dan |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by pubgirl on Nov 16th, 2004, 6:23am Thank the Lord I have never got to that stage myself, and don't know anyone else who has, but Goadsby always says when asked that he not only knows of suicide, but gruesomely also knew of someone who took their own eye out! Yeeeeuccchhh! It didn't help the pain of course Wendy |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by MOMO3 on Nov 16th, 2004, 8:37am Boy this thread really scared me. My brother has the CH and has fought them for 10 years!! He is chronic and probably faces the beast 3 to 5 times a week. In 10 years the pain has got progressively worse and I can't even imagine how he does it. I always tell him to call me if he needs me (he rarely does!!) I know he wouldn't commit suicide, however I know the thought has crossed his mind, he tells me when you are having a CH and you are all alone late at night and your mental capacity isn't all there, your mind can really take you to some dark places. Anyway just thought I would chime in. I love this site, and I think you guys are great. Just another concerned supporter! Michelle :D |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by unsolved1 on Nov 16th, 2004, 9:03am on 11/16/04 at 08:37:56, MOMO3 wrote:
It could be worse. It could be 3 - 5 times a day ! (or more) :o Unsolved |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by MOMO3 on Nov 16th, 2004, 9:15am I know and I always tell myself that it could be worse, and there have been times in the past that it has been worse, alot worse. So I am thankful for where he is now. But I still worry about him :-/ |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by taraann on Nov 16th, 2004, 12:27pm I have come close to passing out, like a dark circle started spreading over my vision, had to hang on to something cause I got very dizzy. BUT I also get very nauseated and vomit sometimes. I know that is not common in CH but that is my body's response to all pain. Anytime I feel pain I feel naseaus (can't spell today!) So think MY dizzyness and near fainting is due to dehydration. So JIC that is a contributing factor for YOU just push those fluids on yourself constantly! Question.....anyone know of a link (however small) of anuerysm (once again can't spell) and CH? My grandfather (on my moms side) had CH (back then called Histamine headaches) and then later in his life (probably after about 10+ yrs of remission from CH) they found an anuerysm in his brain. Wanted to point out something I just said....he went into remission ..... He had CH for years and years and years and then one day they were gone, gone forever. There is hope. I keep telling myself that. THERE IS HOPE. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Testy1 on Nov 17th, 2004, 4:51am Yeah, been there and at least thought seriously about it. There is a gun beside the bed and four ounces of pressure on the trigger would make sure I never had another CH. Luckily or not, I have responsibilities to way too many people to do something like that. Unlucky me, I've never passed out during an attack. I've been dizzy many times but I don't know if that is the meds or the pain or lack of sleep or just what. After an attack I am just limp as a dishrag though, very nearly unconcious on my feet. Regards Jack |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by BobG on Nov 17th, 2004, 5:04am Suicide is not an option. It will only cause a headache for someone else. They will have to clean up your mess. They will have to pay for your funeral. Don't do that to yourself or your family. And besides that, put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, you'll probably miss and just blow off the side of your face. Then you'll have to live the rest of your life ugly as hell and still have clusters. And besides that, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is forever. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Chillrmn1 on Nov 17th, 2004, 5:26am BobG could not have said it better. These things are painful as hell, I know because mine have a tendency to reach Kip 9 - 10 very frequently if I can't abort with Imitrex injections in time. Mine escalate to the top side of the scale in about 10 minutes when I'm really goin. You've just got to tell yourself the pain will end soon. SUICIDE IS FOREVER AND THERE'S NO COMING BACK!! , |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Sisyphus on Nov 17th, 2004, 6:39am being a Londoner (English) there is not a ready availability of guns and I have no history with them. I do have to say my new American family that, whilst respecting your constitutional rights (oh that we were citizens and not subjects of the dark age form of government known as monarchy) I do have to say this has to be an argument for gun control, if not nationally at least in the vicinity of clusterheads! |
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Title: sisyphus Post by Testy1 on Nov 17th, 2004, 6:56am Nahh. I love the things. ;;D Had 'em around all my life and don't really consider them as anything other than a tool or contingency item, like a smoke detector or something. I'm American but notice my location now. There is or at least might be, a real need for self defense these days. >:( In all seriousness though, gun-control can be reasonably argued either way but it is like religion or politics, converts are few and far between. Best regards and nice to have someone to talk to at this time of day. Jack |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Opus on Nov 17th, 2004, 9:19am I'm sure that in the past suicide rates were high, I imagine meds of any kind, no one who understands you, and the whole town thinking that you are demon possessed. Add to that no safety net so if you didn't work you would probably starve to death, I'm sure a chronic sufferer would have to fight everyday to keep from suicide. Opus/Paul |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Testy1 on Nov 17th, 2004, 9:26am This board probably saved a few lives. I would bet that there are people who have seriously considered suicide but didn't because of this board. After all, there are other people dealing with the beast and living a decent life so they can too. I think this place is a lot more than just a clearinghouse or support network. I consider it a lifesaver as well. Regards Jack |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Mac_Muz on Nov 17th, 2004, 11:02am Bob said it all.... I to own guns from flinters to the M-4gery (civilian clone of the M-4) Sucide is just not an option. Gun controll is hitting that target and nothing more. Since the beast, demon to me is not that type of target no bullet can hit it... Bob appears to know about sucide from a point of view that I also know. That is cleaning of the mess. I remain armed to this day even while typing. Some wacko killed in cold blood, with cold steel, my elderly in laws and for what??? No one knows because this wacko who was shot by the cops in the act of stealing blades the very day before and was released by the so called System of Justice, comitted sucide after the murders... So those reading this get to see a darker side of me... Mac |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by thebbz on Nov 17th, 2004, 8:59pm Guns don't kill people, people do. As I have gotten older, I have noticed I cant tough it through anymore. When no abort is available, take all I can until the brain shuts down. Usually wake up with my wife loading me in the truck for the ER trip. Now she may shoot me!!LOL [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] BB |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by debco on Nov 17th, 2004, 9:10pm This is all so sad for everyone. I sware they really need to research the BS CH. Why can't they figure out what they are from and possibly find a cure. I sware nobody should have to go through that intense pain. And what really sucks is trying to explain it to people, they really think your wacko. At least give us a reason we have these, maybe then we could know some facts. That might help a bit. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by medic1852 on Nov 17th, 2004, 9:28pm Well, I am glad I am not alone in my dark corner. Imitrex does not help me at all. I have found not much to help me. I am just glad that I dont keep the guns at home loaded. I dont even keep ammunition here at the house. Even when I did and I was thinking that suicide was the solution my hands were trembleing so much and my vision was so poor that I could not load the gun. What helps me the most from the killing the beast that haunts me is my kiddos. :'( |
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Title: Mac_Muz Post by Testy1 on Nov 18th, 2004, 2:55am on 11/17/04 at 11:02:15, Mac_Muz wrote:
What's so dark about that? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Over here, being armed is almost a necessity. Regards Jack |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by BobG on Nov 18th, 2004, 3:14am on 11/17/04 at 21:10:55, debco wrote:
2 words......money.....profits |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by fullhead on Nov 18th, 2004, 10:07am on 11/17/04 at 05:04:04, BobG wrote:
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by survivor13 on Nov 18th, 2004, 11:14am medic u said imitrx injections don't work for u. have u found anything that does? i know what thats like. about three years before imitrx and i got introduced. HANG IN THERE! |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Mac_Muz on Nov 18th, 2004, 2:32pm Medic 1852, You sayin the imitrix pen does nothing for you? I can see pills and inhalers but not the pen. I have heard tales of some folks doing 3 6mg's doses at once for relief and that works.. That would kill me, but it works for them. Of course that must also hurt the wallet too.... What about 02? Does that also do nothing? ......................................................... Testy1, Thanks for sentiment. When out, no one knows I am armed and there is no point to make a big deal of it then. However when folks come to visit and see a .45 layin next to the computer they ask questions.. After cleaning and burying my wife's family over murders which appear to have come from far left field, and for nothing to answer for and too, which gives a lot to wonder about, with no closuer to date.... Well some folks take one look at a guy they can see is a tad rough around the edgers and wonder if they are in fact safe. It is a PC world these days where a swiss knife can land you behind bars... I have arrived at a place where I know I am the only one who can care about me and care about my wife when we are home.... All the friends in internet land might care, but I can't exactly type HELP and expect with in seconds anyone will be here.. My heart has a switch, and one way it is harsh and cold, the other way it cares and will help others as I can and as I find em. As you well know having clusters is both a blessing and a hell... The gun no matter the type is not the answer to a cluster. My defence gun is in plain sight when home, my wife knows how to use it. She has too, as what happens if I am down with a Ch or have been already attacked.. Why some low life live is way past my area of expertise, but so long as I have any power to stop one in my home, well then they will be... Ch's are not terminal and Bob said that.. What I do that might be different is I just don't care about being delicate. I will be delicate when discussing womens issues or not bother to post if I have nothing to add... On the other hand my wife had a hysterectomy and I was there to pluck the parts from the formaldrahyde at the total astonishment of the surgon. I worked a camera with in inches of the gases and when the surgon whom I had to fight with just to get the parts asked why I wanted to get these pics I said closure. The surgon said it was highly unusal for anyone to wish for such pics, and considered this extremely odd for a husband to want to handle these organs.. I told her if you think I am strange, just how strange are the lab techs that get paid for the very same thing???? ( that brought on a certain look!) When asked how I could bear the fumes, my answer was I have been straight to Hell and this ain't even close.... ......................................... Back to the gun: I would say anyone here with me and my gun is far safer than they might be anyplace else on Earth. At just almost 53 now I plan to waste a hell of a lot more O2 in and out of a bottle... Mac |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by hilbily on Nov 22nd, 2004, 5:05pm My Dad apparently suffered from these monsters until 1963, when he took the big dive. He had been a victim for years, docs giving him lots of morphine and such, but nothing helped. Now I know what he went thru, but we have better understanding and treatments now. They thought most of his was from a burst eardrum. The thoughts have crossed my mind during bad bouts, but I have a wife and son to consider, and God will get me thru. The good days are great! The firearms stay put (but well within reach) until needed for more constructive purposes! Jim |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by love2bamommy on Nov 24th, 2004, 12:33pm My father had CH, and so do i..He killed himself on Christmas Eve, when i was 18 (now 25) After suffering through them myself, I am sure that he did it to releive the pain. Sometimes i wonder if it's worth Killing myself just to take away the pain, and then i remeber my 2 year old son, and think better of it. I wish i would pass out!I have been in pain so bad, that i have dry heaved. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by thudpucker on Nov 24th, 2004, 4:23pm on 11/15/04 at 21:09:07, survivor13 wrote:
That's one of my tricks. I know that my ha's usually last about a half hour maximum, so I watch the clock. I talk to the SOB, and tell it that its time is about up and it's time to go away now. If it happens to be one of those l-o-n-g SOB's, I switch to endurance mode--and still watch the clock the next time. But: except for one K6 or so that sneaked through one night, melatonin is still keeping me pain-free, going on two months now. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by chris on Dec 15th, 2004, 4:10am Have passed out about 20 times during really bad attacks. Doc says it's way of body shutting down from so much pain. Kinda like knockout sensor on your car, it senses something is wrong so the brain shuts itself down. But you can't order this sensor. Good luck Chris |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Langa on Dec 15th, 2004, 9:12am Have only passed out once during my fist attack, 26 years ago at the age of 10. Was ready to pull the trigger 4 years ago during a 3.5 hour kip 10. A family member walked in just in time and proceeded to hold me down for the next hour. I guess you could say I lost it. Fainting then would've been really nice. This was before 02 which has been a life-saver for me. Langa |
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Title: ay Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by rbmb on Dec 15th, 2004, 8:03pm I do the exact same thing as others mentioned.....wake up when I feel it coming on, give myself a DHE shot (the syringe is already loaded, alcohol swab ready, then look at the clock and start pacing.......the pain should start going away in about 20 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins....sometimes it goes away faster, sometimes the shot doesn't seem to help at all and I just ride it out. I keep the guns locked up....don't want to go there. I have had to repair my bedroom walls a couple of times after punching holes in them, but that's as bad as it's gotten. Rich |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by bobbio56 on Dec 15th, 2004, 10:19pm Moved my guns to a trusted friend's house. Truth be told, my children kept me from doing it. Couldn't leave them with the pain. 8 yrs., 2 years chronic. Y'all hang in there! Life here is just a second of eternity. No rush to get there though. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Bill-G on Dec 15th, 2004, 11:08pm New to this and haven't passed out. Made a mess of the ch side of my head with my stubby fingernails tho. When the attacks were hitting 5ish times a day and lasting an average of 2 hours ( one WOPPER that went near 41/2 died getting ready for an er trip) I could understand that if there were no hope for relief that suicide, for some, might seem like a reasonable option. There is always hope. Meds are getting better and better every day. Suicide is not a healthy thing to brood about! I always kept the knowledge that this would pass and life has more joy than pain. Something so final would hurt to many loved ones...this is my problem and I would never make it thiers. Besides, I don't own a pistol. cutting a wrist just isn't me and if i jumped off the tallest building in town I'd probably just sprain my ankle. I vote for life [smiley=thumb.gif] Hope springs eternal Take care, Bill |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by high_commander on Dec 21st, 2004, 2:30am Thankfully i'm not a chronic sufferer Suicide can't be an option for me (pray this is always the case) I have passed out twice though. Before I was diagnosed I passed out in my living room, seven months pregnant with my 2 1/2 year old son in the room. When I came to, my boy was sitting in a semi circle of toys near the couch. He had stuffed a pillow under my head and put a blanket over me. When he saw my eyes open, he got up and hugged me and asked if my head didn't hurt anymore. He's seen more of these than anyone else in the family and is now getting illegal driving lessons from his grateful mother in the event I need to get to hospital when dad is away at work. (live 8 miles from town and hospital) The last time I went down was while I was shooting a wedding near my home. Thankfully, I was able to inch my way home on the country roads and make it in the door before things went dark. My boys were home to run for the ice, which was packed around my head when I woke up. If I didn't have my boys, or support from this site, i could see how lonely and hopeless one could get. Thankful despite the pain Danielle |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by eyhavhedaches on Dec 21st, 2004, 1:21pm I had my first episode of passing out just last week and was rushed to the hospital. I couldn't take the pain anymore. It was my sixth attack of that day and nothing was working, I had taken two injections of immitrex and they came right back!!! The pain was so intense my knees buckled and I fell and woke up about 3 minutes after still in severe pain from my cluster. The docters are now considering suggesting to the state that I might be a risk to people on the road while driving. They may take my drivers license. However, yes I experianced this once so far. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by heprat on Dec 22nd, 2004, 11:09am I find myself composing the suicide notes in my head during big hits. Not sure why...after the attack it never ever seems like an option...but during a big hit it is all I think about. Seeing my babies in the AM definately makes the bad thoughts go far far away. I still refer to the term "suicide headaches" when discussing them with people that have not heard of them before. It typically gets their attention. Seems like I've had to educate way to many insurance people regarding this. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by LeLimey on Dec 22nd, 2004, 7:24pm Hilbily I'm sorry for what you went through growing up but I'm really pleased you are finding the strength not to put your own family through it. :) |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by IndianaJohn on Dec 23rd, 2004, 12:33pm I had my rifle in my hand ready to take that long walk down to the river. This message board is why I am alive today. It was a very dark place to be. The reasons that BobG stated kept me strong for a long time. But when you a really worn down, someimes it isn't enough and you need support, compassion and a good swift kick in the ass. Thankfully I got all of that from my CH family here. God bless you all. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by unsolved1 on Dec 23rd, 2004, 9:26pm I'm Still alive Unsolved |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Dec 23rd, 2004, 9:32pm on 12/23/04 at 12:33:17, IndianaJohn wrote:
We'll be here to kick that butt of yours any time you seem to need it too! You're right, sometimes that's exactly what we need. Dead is forever - pain isn't! Carol |
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Title: ingRe: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by survivor13 on Dec 23rd, 2004, 10:55pm when i started this post, i could tell their were alot of people that were close to talking about this subject! i'm glad i shared my story, and that others that have been that close are sharing theirs. talking about it will help it from ever happening. hope you all have a PF x-mas and new year. pf for 2 weeks now! |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by mynm156 on Jan 8th, 2005, 6:02pm I have passed out before. I dont think it was for very long and as far as ending it all I have often said (Just let me die) but never really thought about going and doing it. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Renee on Jan 8th, 2005, 10:47pm Quote:
I keep telling this to myself. :'( |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Paula on Jan 8th, 2005, 10:57pm I have thought of suicide very often when in cycle. Less now that I have a husband who really cares for me. He gets the O2 portable and puts it in the car and pores me in the seat and off we go to the ER. If it gets where I am literaly screaming and nothing else is working or I've taken all the imitrex I can. I thank God I found him. He is the one who lead me to this site! He does hide the gun. Not sure if I ever really would or could kill myself but man I don't want to chance it. Life is to special. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Gator on Jan 9th, 2005, 1:06am I've never passed out with CH. As far as suicide, I've shared this before, but if it helps others: I was having upwards of 8 attacks per day. No preventatives, no abortives, nothing that worked at all. There were times I looked up from the floor and begged my wife to shoot me - to stop my pain. What a guilt trip to lay on her. What a weak and selfish thing to do. I look back to that and I am so incredibly sorry I did that to her. Severe depression set in and one night I got to the point where I made up my mind to kill myself. I couldn't take another minute of the pain. I had enough left over medications from failed treatments to kill an elephant. I had the pill bottles open on the desk and a glass of water ready to end it all. The pain was boring through my right eye like a drill bit on fire and I screamed at God to either cure me or kill me. Since He was inclined to do neither I was going to take care of it myself. In those brief seconds before taking the last step, my thoughts drifted to my family. My poor wife. The thought of her finding me and blaming herself for not being there (which she would do, possibly to the point of eventual suicide herself) was too much to bear. I could not put that guilt on her. I love her too much. The thought of one of my kids being the one to find me and being scarred for life was unacceptable. I love them too much. I thought of my oldest son in the Army ready to go into battle in a foreign country. How would my actions affect his ability to stay alive under fire? My next oldest son who was almost killed in a car accident, who at the time "would probably not live," then "probably not walk," then "definitely never play football again." With a rod in his femur and plates and screws in his ankles, he fought through all the pain and never listened to what he would "probably" never do. He was back on the football team, that following Spring Training. The thought of not seeing him on the field for the first time since the accident was unbearable. My youngest son, the sensitive artist. He has already been through bouts of depression at his young age. Would I be telling him it's okay to kill himself, even encouraging him to do so? What father would do that? I thought of my granddaughter. So cute. I would miss her first steps, her first words, everything that a grandpa looks forward to. In tears, I wandered through the house – looking in on them as they slept. I went back to the table and put everything away. I had come so close to never seeing them again. Shortly afterwards, a friend of my wife recommended a website: www.clusterheadaches.com. It was here I found salvation. I cried as I read the stories of other “clusterheads.” Just knowing there were others that suffered like I did and understood my pain seemed to lift a great weight off my soul. The members here are now a second family to me. I have no words to describe the love and support they provide. Just reading back through this and reliving it all again is tearing me up. There is definitely no good that can come from suicide. Neither for you nor for your family. No matter how bad the pain, it does end. Death is forever. PFDAN to all, Gator |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by CC2004 on Jan 9th, 2005, 2:27am beautiful Gator me too bless you and yours - bless all our families, at home and here PFDANs CC |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by JoeS on Jan 9th, 2005, 7:31am Great story, Gator. Thanks for sharing it. Joe |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Chillrmn1 on Jan 9th, 2005, 8:43am Gator, Yes, Great Story. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by unsolved1 on Jan 9th, 2005, 10:07pm Great story Gator ... thanks for sharing :) I want to leave this link again: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ PF wishes all around, Unsolved |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by JBC on Jan 9th, 2005, 10:54pm I keep 2 loaded guns in the house for home protection. I have never put a gun to my head in desperation, but I have considered it a few times. If I were not married, I possibly would have gone all the way with it, but now that I am married with a child on the way, this is not even a consideration. I know that the pain will eventually go away from the CH attack, but the pain of my death will never go away for my wife and child. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by BMoneeTheMoneeMan on Jan 11th, 2005, 2:29am I used to joke with my wife that i would eat a bullet. I havent joked about it in a while because it seems to be a better and better idea. Like this past Saturday night, (actually Sunday morning), it was about midnight when the beast came knocking at my head. I do the usual....take 4 to 5 advil and 2 excedrin as well as the Maxalt, and just try to bear it. When it gets real bad I can't be in the bedroom with my wife so I go to the bathroom and dance. I have noticed that putting warm to hot water over my eye and on my forehead seems to help the headache. So I just dance in the bathroom, hunched over the sick putting water on my head and massaging it very firmly. I always know that it shouldn't be more then 1 hour until the kip 9 goes down to a much more bearable kip 8 or 7, but this last Saturday night was different then most. I had a full kip 10 and it lasted for 2 full hours. This type of indescribable agony was just that....indescribable....pure torture. Just make it stop, just make it stop, just make it stop. I can't help but to think about putting an advil right down the gun chamber and shooting it directly into my brain to stop it once and for all. I know that is only a dream. I have a beautiful wife and a terrific 4 year old daughter and I couldn't die knowing I have betrayed them so badly. They have to stop. Just make them stop. BMoney |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by markeydsl on Jan 11th, 2005, 6:19am Hello, I have chronic clusters at the present time and have had episodic clusters for 27 years. I have been having these things since I was 13. I can honestly say that if I had a fast sure fire way to do myself in I would have already, but then after about an hour or so of crying, banging my head, The headache goes away and I realize that It was just the result of the head ache. Unfotunatly that does not help when I am having one. The passing out thing. I have a very high pain tolerance for almost anything, but the pain I have suffered over the years with these clusters has caused me to pass out, or as you put it shut down. I think it must be that pain threshold for me, sometimes they just kind of hit a high note beyond my ability to take it and opps there I go again, however in 27 years I have only experienced this a hand full of times. For the most part medication does not work for me right now and these things are so frequent and the duration is about 45 min to and hour and a half, that I have been sedating my self sometimes with half a pain killer that is smashed up or a couple of valium that My neuro doc gave me. Unfortunatly this would not work for most people since I understand that most clusters are not this long or frequent. Just hand in there and keep telling yourself that its just another 10 minutes, do a count down. kick your feet, bang your head. I have found that doing something to desensitize myself actually does help, wel sometimes anyway. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by River_Rat on Jan 19th, 2005, 9:47am I have three kids that's why I'm still here...nuff said PFDAN NORM |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by ami-manning on Jan 19th, 2005, 10:22am I have passed out twice and once had a seizure from the pain. My neurologist told me the same thing about the pain threshold and your brain shutting down. The first passing out was in a dr's office -- so that was good. The second I was at work -- which was horribly embarrassing -- and the seizure was also in the hospital under a doctor's care. So I was very lucky. But yes, it does happen. |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by sailpappy on Jan 19th, 2005, 10:44pm ;;DActually in the early days when Charlie and I started having these, they were refered to as the "Suicide Headaches" Strokes and suicides have been linked to ch's. I have a letter my Doctor sent to the VA National Review Board that says that I would either end up dieing of a stroke or killing myself if they could not find some help for me, have considered it many times, but that is not the legacy I want to leave my kids and wife with! I don't keep a gun at all, but I think the 150lb pull cross bow arrow would just bounce off this thick skull anyway! First manner of coping is to remember that as sure as it started it will end. Pappy |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by Turts on Jan 23rd, 2005, 8:00pm I have never passed out, however I have knocked myself out headbuting the tiles in the shower while being hit. Living in Oz guns are not readily available, however I have 'researched' other methods that would gaurantee "successs' even down to planning to do it someplace where family or friends would not be the ones to make the discovery. However this was before I found CH.com Turts |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by BarbaraD on Jan 24th, 2005, 5:41am We've had 2 suicides here in Gladewater TX because of ch. One a kid and the other a doctor. The kid's parents are still going thru a bad time because they didn't understand what she was going thru. When I heard about the doc, my one thought was, "Jerry is out of pain finally." We've all thought about it and most of us have a plan. CH.com has saved a lot of lives because here we can get help from people who actually understand. When I first came to ch.com, the suicide rate was much higher than it is now. We ARE making a difference. Thanks DJ.... Hugs BD |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by ClusterChuck on Jan 25th, 2005, 3:32am I had the method (not a gun) and time set to do it. Three days before the "date" I happened to google clusters, and found this site. This site stopped me. I think that part of the reason I was so down is that I had recently separated from my wife and family, and I was having 8 to 15 hits a day and nothing was working for me. But, the important thing is, THIS family stopped me from doing it. Thanks Deej!!! A far as passing out, when I first got them, I passed out everytime, and had total amnesia about them. That was part of the reason I was so hard to diagnose, I could not tell them what was happening. When I was properly diagnosed, the doctor said my body was shutting down to fight the pain, and my mind was trying to keep me from remembering them. Now, I still pass out sometimes, but unfortunately, I don't have the amnesia anymore, damnit! Chuck |
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Title: Re: SUICIDES DUE TO CLUSTERS Post by alleyoop on Jan 26th, 2005, 8:05pm on 01/19/05 at 22:44:18, sailpappy wrote:
I couldn't agree more Pappy. As bad as the pain can get, it's the thought of knowing it will end- and leave as fast as it came on that has always kept me from seriously considering suicide during a hit. But that doesn't mean that I haven't contemplated taking the "dirt nap." As a chronic, it's the day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year of enduring hits that has brought the thought to my mind. The slow but inescapable erosion of the quality of life is bound to lead one down a road of depression and desparation that could easily culminate in suicide. Yet when I looked at what I was contemplating objectively, I realized how purely selfish I was being. One does not have to look far to find someone else in a far worse situation. When you look at the hurt you would cause everyone else in your life, you can easily see what a selfish decision it is. As someone else said, I decided I didn't want to leave that legacy to the ones I love. Thank God! I kept trying different meds and treatments until I found one that worked for me. I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone here who was involved in helping me find an alternative treatment. You know who you are! I won't go so far as to say you saved my life, although I won't rule that out. One thing's for sure though- the difference in my quality of life is like the difference between night and day. ..................alley |
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