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Title: TGIF:Funnies!With Star Trek: The "Jackass" Picture Post by Carl_D on Sep 23rd, 2005, 4:52am THIS IS THE BIGGEST COCK I HAVE EVER SEEN! :o http://www.aplusjokes.com/gallery1/rooster.jpg Now THAT got your attention!!! ;;D I must explain my Star Trek hallucination for those who might not 'get it'. Everyone knows of all the Star Trek movies - II: The Wrath of Khan was by far the cheesiest. On the MTV show "Jackass" Steve-O and Bam Margera are among the idiots who do the most insane stuff ever on TV - like running around in a crocodile pile in their undies with steaks hanging down tempting the Gators. Steve-O was touring and doing an act onstage that got him in alot of trouble. Anyway, I sometimes think of twisted things during an attack (like you DON'T?)and that is how the following script was born. Yes - there WILL be a SEQUEL!!! STAR TREK: The "Jackass" Picture Scene fades in with Captain Kirk speaking into his logger. Capt. Kirk: Captains log, we have passed through the central OC nebula and are now heading... The ship is suddenly rocked with a blast. Spock falls to the ground unconscious Capt. Kirk: Bones! Check Spock - he's hurt! Bones: Dammit Jim, I'm a musician, Not a doctor! Capt Kirk: Scotty give me a report! Scotty: We've got Phallians coming up the rear Captain. I can't hold 'em off much longer! Sulu: Captain, you'd better get on the intercom. Khan is on there blowing a gasket. Capt. Kirk: Very well. Bring him up on screen. Suddenly, Khan appears onscreen, stuffing his face with Cheeto's Khan: Kirk, all I want is the Genesis Device. Give it to me and spare your crew. Bones whispers to Capt Kirk Bones: I think he's stoned Jim. He does have the munchies. Bam Margera: Speaking of who isn't stoned... Sulu, stop bogarting the fucking whiskey dried ants and pass the bong will ya? Kirk swats at Bones to shoo him out of the way Capt. Kirk: You can't be serious Khan. Khan: Very serious Kirk. I have micro-miniature cuban born chinese circus midgets I have already stuck into the helmets of two of your crew members. They will drive your crew to maddening torment. Kirk nods at Bones Capt. Kirk: It's the only way I can spare my crew. I must give him the Genesis Device. Bones: But what will happen to the universe if Khan gets his hands on it? You Don't mean...? Capt. Kirk: I'm afraid so Bones. Peter Gabriel will leave Genesis to pursue a solo career while Phil Collins replaces him and they begin making horrible horrible music. Steve-O: That will cause hell on earth! Bones: We can't let that happen Jim. It will infiltrate the airwaves with its muzak and turn everyones minds into mush. Capt Kirk: What makes you so sure? Steve-O: Dude, It is gonna happen. What is worse is he will launch a suck-cessful solo career against all odds I'm betting. Bam: That could kill Birdman, unless.... Capt Kirk: Unless what? Tell me! in a stupor, Spock pipes up as he arises from the floor Spock: 'Hiccup' There ish only one thing that will bring balance to the universe and shave 'hiccup' mankind Capt. Kirk: You mean...? Steve-O: Yes Captain, I will have to staple my nutsac to my leg live onstage in front of thousands of people until the live act is eventually banned and I risk Bubba-Time. Spock: Are you sure you can do this Steve-O? Steve-O: Yeah Man, I could staple my nutsac to my head if I needed to... neeeded to..... neeeeeeeedeeeed toooooooo.... Spock begins singing before passing back out... Spock: Everybody, loves shomebody sometime.... end scene Quickie With The Dentist A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." more funnies on the way... |
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Title: Re: TGIF:Funnies!With Star Trek: The "Jackass Post by Carl_D on Sep 23rd, 2005, 4:57am Choose Your Death! There was a German man, an Itailan man and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave the men a choice of three ways to die: To be shot, To be hanged, or to be injected with the AIDS virus. The German man said “Shoot me right in the head!” Bang! The German man was dead. The Italian man said “Just hang me and get it over with.” Snap! The Italian man was dead. The Irishman said “Give me the AIDS!” They gave him the shot and he fell down laughing. The guards just looked at each other wondering what was wrong with the guy. He said “Go ahead, Give me another shot.” And so they did. Then the man was in tears rolling on the floor and laughing. Finally the Warden asks “What is so funny?” The Irishman responded, “You guys are sooooo stupid…. ...I'm wearing a condom!" http://www.aplusjokes.com/gallery1/worstjob.jpg PROOF WEREWOLVES EXIST!!! http://www.top20fun.com/images/pictures/0317.jpg Dorm Rules On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?" Ask The Rabbi Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi. http://www.aplusjokes.com/gallery1/garage.jpg Still more on the way... |
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Title: Re: TGIF:Funnies!With Star Trek: The "Jackass Post by Carl_D on Sep 23rd, 2005, 5:03am You Might Have a Drinking Problem if: 1. You start losing arguments with inanimate objects 2. You have to hold on to the earth to keep from falling off of the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor 11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive 14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!! 15. Roseanne looks HOT! 16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. A Man and Wife… A man and his wife were driving through the beautiful Welsh countryside one day when they came across a roadsign which read ''Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch'' (The longest town- name in the world). The husband says the name and his wife laughs. ''That's not how you pronounce it'', she says and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband nearly crashes the car laughing and they start debating how to pronounce the name. Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to lunchtime they pull into a restaurant in the town whose name is the subject of the argument. As they're settling their bill, the wife says to the cashier, ''Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument between my huband and me? Could you possibly pronounce the name of where we are, only please do it very very slowly''. The cashier leans forward and says..................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ''Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg'' Micro-Miniature….NUNS? Two really, REALLY short guys walk into a nunery and one says to the chief nun, "Have you got any nuns in the nunery as short as me??" and the nun replied, "Er, no......". So he said, "Have you got any nuns in the whole world as short as me??" and the nun said, "Er, no......". His mate then said to him, "Sorry bro. I told you you did it with a penguin". And Speaking of NUNS! A taxi driver was driving along when a nun stuck her thumb out, so he pulled over. The nun got into the car, and the driver started driving along. As he was driving along, they got to chatting, and the driver said, "My names Patrick and I'm a Catholic". Then the nun said, "My name's Sister Mary, and I work in the local nunery". They carried on talking, and the driver suddenly said, "Forgive me, Sister. But I have always wondered what it's like to kiss a nun". The nun thought long and hard, and was thinking, well, he is a nice lad. So she said, "Alright then, Patrick". So he pulled over and they shared a long meaningful kiss. Then the driver started driving along again, and all of a sudden, he burst out crying. The nun said, "Whatever is the matter??" He replied, "I lied to you. My name is not Patrick, it's Samuel, and I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish". Then the nun started crying too, and she said, "I have a confession too. My names not Sister Mary and I don't work in the local nunery, my name's Ken, and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party". One for Jonny! http://www.aplusjokes.com/gallery1/boot.gif Two Plus Two A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" Even more coming.... |
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Title: Re: TGIF:Funnies!With Star Trek: The "Jackass Post by Carl_D on Sep 23rd, 2005, 5:24am Use The Camel? There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel..." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then." So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?" Finals! A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Is Your ‘Puter Male or Female? The gender of computers An inquisitive researcher, who enjoyed sailing, was aware that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed.. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. http://www.aplusjokes.com/gallery1/moses.jpg That's it for this edition. I am day 3 no sleep and not expecting any soon. Next attempt will be late tonight after the Franz Ferdinand concert at The Pageant. Now if I can just manage to stand up through the whole show....should be fun! Happy Weekend, 8) *Edited because my brain is on auto-pilot. ;;D |
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Title: Re: TGIF:Funnies!With Star Trek: The "Jackass Post by sandie99 on Sep 23rd, 2005, 8:05am [smiley=laugh.gif] Hava a happy weekend, too, Carl! :) Sanna :) |
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