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(Message started by: kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:24pm)
Title: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:24pm
What is it about mothers and guilt trips.....pisses me off.  And it seems that the older I get, and mind you I'm only 24, the more she pisses me off!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by nani on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:28pm
Guilt trips 101 is part of Mother training. It's the first lesson.  The best thing is to not let them work on you. Of course, I've spent years as a mother and sometimes had to remind my kids that "remorse" is good..."guilt" is bad.
Stay strong... ;)
hugs and pf wishes, nani
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:29pm

on 08/29/05 at 19:28:06, nani wrote:
Guilt trips 101 is part of Mother training. It's the first lesson.  The best thing is to not let them work on you. Of course, I've spent years as a mother and sometimes had to remind my kids that "remorse" is good..."guilt" is bad.
Stay strong... ;)
hugs and pf wishes, nani

Honey, I think my mom taught that class!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Jonny on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:29pm
My Mom adores me, but that could be because of all the money I give her.....LMAO ;;D
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Lizzie2 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:30pm
Well...just remind yourself that she's not there - and when you hang up the phone, you're back to your own way of doing things. :)

Unless of course...you live at home...which just presents quite a different sort of problem!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by nani on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:31pm

on 08/29/05 at 19:29:04, kimmiedawn81 wrote:
Honey, I think my mom taught that class!


LMAO!!  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:31pm
No, I live a little over an hour away from them.....Thank the Lord!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:44pm
Trust me when I tell you that one day you'll realize that your Mother was right! ;)  It won't be until you're a mother yourself and your own kids are teenagers or older.

Nani's right though - Guilt Trip 101 - works nearly everytime.  Wait until the day comes that your own kids accuse you of the very same thing.

In the meantime, Carrie's advise isn't half bad either - just nod your head and then do your own thing.  I'm pretty sure that's what my kids do. LOL!

Carol
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:46pm
Yeah, but my mom blows things out of proportion just to make me feel bad or blame me for something.  That's what makes me mad, so I just tell her that I will talk to her later, but now I want to call her up and set her straight on some things.  I'm really pissed right now.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:51pm
You sound pretty upset right now about your Mom - please try to remember that words said in anger can sometimes leave scars on a loving heart.  I know it's an overwheming feeling at times to just want to blast someone but you truly only get one Mother.  

Maybe one day you'll both look back on this time in your lives and actually share a laugh about it.

Hugs
Carol
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by broomhilda on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:54pm

on 08/29/05 at 19:51:17, Grandma_Sweet_Boy wrote:
please try to remember that words said in anger can sometimes leave scars on a loving heart.  I know it's an overwheming feeling at times to just want to blast someone but you truly only get one Mother.  

Carol


Thank you Carol, I have just called my mom to say sorry for calling her a bitch last night, even though she was ;;D

Good luck Kimmie, these are smart women posting some great feedback!

Hugs
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Sean_C on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:56pm
Kimmie the best advice I can give you is to let it go if you can.  :-/

Hows the head doing? Hopefully better ;)

PFDAN to you

Sean.................

Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 7:58pm
Well, my mother and I have a good relationship 99.9% of the time, but sometimes she really makes me upset.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:03pm
Oh honey - if you've got a good thing going for 99.9% of the time, you're one lucky little gal!

We don't always see eye to eye with our daughters, and I honestly think it's just part of the whole mother/daughter relationship.  As Moms, we're just not ever ready to completely let go and decide that you're all grown up now.

There's no doubt in my mind that I can still have my girls upset with something I've said or done to them and they've got several years on you.

Just sleep on it for tonight - it'll look a whole lot better tomorrow, I'll betcha! ;)
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Redd715 on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:24pm
The only advice I can give you is this...

One day there WILL come a time when you will long for your Mother's feedback and advice and she will no longer be able to give it.  You will desperately miss having her to call upon when you just need something as simple as cooking advice, or as complex as the wisdom in how to carry on when everything seems to be falling apart at your feet.

She pisses you off now... but remember this if nothing else...there will come a time when you will want her counsel and she will no longer be there to give it.

The choices you make today will determine the relationship you have with her tomorrow.

My Mother and I were best friends.  She is still alive and lives in a state of dementia and I desperately miss the days when she and I would call just to talk about my kids and what they were doing, what her neighbors were doing.  Her unconditional support and assiance when my head would would be raging and she would drive over to care for the babies for me, then she would talk about Grandma  having the same thing and the horror stories of how scared they all were.  

When my life was falling apart she would remind me of how she was widowed with 6 children to raise on a waitresses wages, and how she would have to rummage threw dresser drawers looking for pennies to make sure they had milk in the fridge.  She taught me how to be strong in the face of adversity, and after my father died she raised me on her own.

If you ever want to talk I'll gladly give you my ear....


to add...

She burried two husbands, one a brain anurism, and my father from suicide.  She was the strongest woman I ever knew...I'm glad I take after her.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:27pm
Definitely puts things in perspective Redd....thank you!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Jasmyn on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:31pm

on 08/29/05 at 20:03:03, Grandma_Sweet_Boy wrote:
Oh honey - if you've got a good thing going for 99.9% of the time, you're one lucky little gal!

We don't always see eye to eye with our daughters, and I honestly think it's just part of the whole mother/daughter relationship.  As Moms, we're just not ever ready to completely let go and decide that you're all grown up now.

There's no doubt in my mind that I can still have my girls upset with something I've said or done to them and they've got several years on you.

Just sleep on it for tonight - it'll look a whole lot better tomorrow, I'll betcha! ;)


Spot on Carol!

You know Kimmie, if a mother doesn't do this type of thing anymore, you must start to worry because it is our way to still care for and love our daughters because that is what you'll stay...  our daughters, our babies, our little girls and it wouldn't matter if you're 18 or 80.

A scary mother is a mother who ignores you or one that lost interest in you, you really don't want that right!

She loves you and she will always love you, no matter what, she knows that and you should also know that.  Just remember the harder she is with the 101 stuff the more scared she is to lose you.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:37pm
I'm definitely feeling less tense....however, it still bothers me when she blows things out of proportion just so she can blame me for something.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Melissa on Aug 29th, 2005, 8:42pm

on 08/29/05 at 19:54:24, broomhilda wrote:
Thank you Carol, I have just called my mom to say sorry for calling her a bitch last night, even though she was ;;D


omg, LMFAO!!!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Lizzie2 on Aug 29th, 2005, 9:04pm
My mom does the same thing.....  And I always fall prey to it and I always get upset.

That's why I have the advice I gave above - I couldn't begin to count how many times my best friend said that to me when I was at Penn State - she was at Penn State Erie and she had to do the same thing with her mom.

I always used to call back and try to 'fix' things....  Sometimes a little space is what's needed, though.

Good therapy doesn't hurt, either.  ;)
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by lionsound on Aug 29th, 2005, 9:17pm
Once, when I was so furious with my mom.  I wrote her a letter ...a letter that really let her have it. it was great to get it all out. A wonderful brain vomit.

I never sent it. I didn't need to. that was help enough to make me feel better at that moment and actually it helped when I talked to her about it later. I knew what was bugging me and could be more calm.

Be well,
lionsound
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by kimmiedawn81 on Aug 29th, 2005, 9:23pm
Good idea!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by cootie on Aug 29th, 2005, 11:06pm
I 'did' send that letter.......my mom was giveing advice in a touchy area and I was takeing it wrong and badly. Were both a bit more cautious how we word things or at least state what we are saying is just our opinion. So it sorta created a more RESPECT level for us and the letter was nothing terrible or anything. Of course most of our conversations were kid and money related. But writeing it all down and not sending it MITE be good advice. You'll miss her when she's gone Pam
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by mcf69 on Aug 29th, 2005, 11:23pm

on 08/29/05 at 20:24:21, Redd715 wrote:
The only advice I can give you is this...

One day there WILL come a time when you will long for your Mother's feedback and advice and she will no longer be able to give it.  You will desperately miss having her to call upon when you just need something as simple as cooking advice, or as complex as the wisdom in how to carry on when everything seems to be falling apart at your feet.

She pisses you off now... but remember this if nothing else...there will come a time when you will want her counsel and she will no longer be there to give it.

Boy Redd, you hit it on the spot there.  I lost my Mom back in May and miss her terribly, even the guilt trips she layed on me.  I still think that I'll be able to call her on the phone, or stop by and she'll be there, to give advice, comfort me, or just to let me vent so I feel better, but it suddenly dawns on me that I can't.  Kimmie, the biggest peice of advice I can give you is let it all roll off, remember that what she does and says is because she loves you, she doesn't say it to nesecarily inflict pain, but it just part of being a mother.  Cherish the moments you interact with her, good or bad, because she isn't going to be there someday..... :'(
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by sandie99 on Aug 30th, 2005, 4:14am
Kimmeesue,

I understand you problem very well.

My mum is a gemini (no defence to geminis) and it shows: she has two sides. One of them is sweet, caring and kind. The other is... well, you can imagine. I can never tell which on I'm dealing with when I see her. We do have a 3-hour drive in between us, but she can upset me over the phone if she wants to.

She has been supportive during some hard times with ch but on others she made it worse. I had lot of grudges from my childhood but I  decided to forgive her. I know she's not perfect, nobody is, and although she will never apologise for the mistakes she made, I know she knows about them. I think that she has done the best she could.

These days most of the negative things she says are lost on me. I don't let them get to me. Just because she has negative outlook on life, it doesn't mean that I should have one too. So when she starts to criticise me or her neigbours or siblings or ex-colleagues, I concentrade on her good sides and stop listening. That's how I cope with it. But I think that mums and daughters usually have  complicated relationships. i admire those who are friends with their mothers, I hope I can call mine that one day.

but if you want to talk about it, email me anytime! :)

Sanna
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by LadyElaine on Aug 30th, 2005, 7:36am
I am a Mother and a Daughter! I have had the same feelings as you. My kids have had the same feelings as you. I have told my Mother off a time or two in my life and my daughters have told me off a time or two. All that did was cause harsh feelings, it breaks hearts and can some times destroy relationships. Yesterday is gone, there is not one thing I can do to change yesterday but I can change today and tomorrow. I am sure my Moms heart has been broke by me as my heart has been broken by my children. A few weeks ago I had a disagreement with my Mom. I also had a disagreement with my daughter. Instead of writing them both a letter and telling them how much they hurt me. I sent both of them a letter and all I said in the letter was "I love you"!
When all is said and done Thats all that counts ! We love each other!
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Sandy_C on Aug 30th, 2005, 7:53am
I've raised two daughters who are less than two years apart in age.  During their teens, I really thought I was going to lose both of them.  They fought with each other like two feral cats, and they both fought with me.  Absolutely nothing I said or did suited either of them.  Once each one went off to college, things began to change.  They would call me with questions about "female problems", their boyfriends, their tears when they got dumped, their class schedules, their sex lives.  Now, my oldest (29) lives 6 hours away and my youngest (27) lives 4 hours away.  I talk to both of them at least twice a week, and like Redd said, they call me for cooking advice (how can you make meatloaf if you don't have an egg, Mom?  ;;D)

Yes, I can still piss them off now and then, and they can do the same to me.  But, we've worked it out and our relationships are wonderful now.

Hang in there.   Moms mean well, we just get foot in mouth disease now and then.

Sandy
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Frank_W on Aug 30th, 2005, 8:48am
Guilt trips... Oh god... My mother used to do that to me all the time, until I decided I wasn't going to play the game anymore. Her biggest weapon was to say, "Why don't you tell me that you hate me? I know you don't love me. Just say  it! Why don't you just say it?"

Of course, in the past, I would be reduced to tears and say, "No... That's not true! I love you!!!"

Finally, I got sick of the shit, so the next time she pulled that on me and asked me, "Why don't you tell me you don't love me?" I stared holes through her and said, "Because I don't want to hurt your feelings."

She opened her mouth, then closed it, and then turned on her heel and walked out of the room. She never pulled that shit again.  >:(

We have a good relationship now, and she knows I love her. :) There's nothing I hate worse than being manipulated. If someone is trying to drive you to the mat with power, (which guilt-trips are a part of), then that's not really love.
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by Langa on Aug 30th, 2005, 9:01am

Quote:
The only advice I can give you is this...

One day there WILL come a time when you will long for your Mother's feedback and advice and she will no longer be able to give it.  You will desperately miss having her to call upon when you just need something as simple as cooking advice, or as complex as the wisdom in how to carry on when everything seems to be falling apart at your feet.

She pisses you off now... but remember this if nothing else...there will come a time when you will want her counsel and she will no longer be there to give it.

The choices you make today will determine the relationship you have with her tomorrow.

My Mother and I were best friends.  She is still alive and lives in a state of dementia and I desperately miss the days when she and I would call just to talk about my kids and what they were doing, what her neighbors were doing.  Her unconditional support and assiance when my head would would be raging and how she would have to rummage threw dresser drawers looking for pennies to make sure they had milk in the fridge.  She taught me how to be strong in the face of adversity


Wow, Pegg...sounds a lot like my Mom.   My mom also suffers from dementia.   I miss the long talks and her counsel.  I just miss her...

Langa
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by ghost62 on Aug 30th, 2005, 10:59am
Ive been called a Mother a few times! [smiley=laugh.gif] 8) ;;D :o ::)
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by deltadarlin on Aug 30th, 2005, 3:40pm
My mama died when I was 18, that's been 29 years ago and I still miss her.....
Title: Re: Mothers....Ugh!
Post by maffumatt on Aug 30th, 2005, 3:55pm
My mother and I used to fight all the time. Now that I live 2500 miles away we get along just fine.........


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