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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 General Board Posts >> Children's Books You'll Never See 
        
(Message started by: nani on Aug 5^th, 2005, 1:08pm)

Title: Children's Books You'll Never See
Post by nani on Aug 5^th, 2005, 1:08pm

I'm sick of trolls and arguments. Have a laugh. Some are repeats, but they're still funny as hell. ;;D

Children's Books You'll Never See

* "You Were an Accident"
* "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
* "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
* "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
* "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
* "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
* "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
* "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of Western Eur- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
* "All Dogs Go to Hell"
* "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
* "You Are Different and That's Bad"
* "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
* "Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
* "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
* "The Hardy Boys, the Bobsy Twins, and the Vice Squad"
* "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
* "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
* "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
* "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
* "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
* "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
* "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
* "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
* "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
* "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
* "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
* "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
* "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
* "Bi-Curious George"
* "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
* "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

[smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Children's Books You'll Never See
Post by Frank_W on Aug 5^th, 2005, 1:15pm

When I was in 4th grade, I actually made a book that detailed children dying from eating vegetables. There was:

Asparagus Arnold, whose asparagus spears actually punctured his throat and came out his neck. With accompanying grotesque squirting blood drawings and crying parents, of course.

There was Brussel Sprouts Barney, who had brussel sprouts that became lodged in his throat, and the Heimlich Maneuver couldn't dislodge them. (In a later frame, it showed him projectile vomiting all over everyone, and his parents apologizing)

There was Spinach Stanley, whose mother forced him to eat his spinach, causing him to go blind and spend the rest of his life as a homeless beggar.

There were lots of others. The teacher took it from me, and then dragged me by my ear, to the principal's office, where my mother was phoned, and the principal used words like "subversive." When I got home that night, my mom spanked my ass. (But I didn't have to eat vegetables!) [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=bigtiny.gif]

True story.

Title: Re: Children's Books You'll Never See
Post by Frank_W on Aug 5^th, 2005, 1:23pm

Some more:

- The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

- Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?

- The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book

- The Frog Formerly Known as Prince

- The Legend of Three-Card Monte

- The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away

- Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland

- The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book

- Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick

- The Crack House at Pooh Corner

- The Dummy's Guide to Crying

- When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It

- The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book

- Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help

- Furious George Delivers the Mail

- Always Listen to the Voice In Your Head

- Jimmy, Your Retarded Classmate

- Why You Shouldn't Talk to Brown People

- Winnie the Pooh; Uncensored

-Jerry Springer presents Lil' Red Riding Hood

-Third Reich Toilet Training; A Step by Step Guide

-Where Hot Dogs Come From

Some Dr. Seuss Titles!

- The Cat in the Blender

- Fox in Detox

- The Flesh-Eating Lorax

- How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

- Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?

- Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

- Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F&%k Out

- Are You My Proctologist?

- Yentil the Lentil

- Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

Title: Re: Children's Books You'll Never See
Post by sandie99 on Aug 5^th, 2005, 2:34pm

;;D [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=spit.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif]