Clusterheadaches.com Message Board


    
      
        Clusterheadaches.com Message Board
        (http://www.clusterheadaches.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi)
      

        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 General Board Posts >> Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
        
(Message started by: Gator on May 27^th, 2005, 12:54pm)

Title: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by Gator on May 27^th, 2005, 12:54pm

Since Carl is having such a rough time, I thought I'd try and post the funnies for him. My apologies if some of this has been posted before. Hope you enjoy and huge vibes for you, Carl.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

* The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
* Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
* When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
* In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
* You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your mother has gotten into a fist fight at a high school sports event.
* If you ever mowed your front yard and found a vehicle.
* If you invite your friends to your new house to help you take the wheels off.
* If you have more appliances on the front porch than in the house.
* If you have so much junk in your front yard people stop by and ask you if you're having a yard sale.
* Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
* You walk your dog and you both use the same tree down on the corner.
* A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
* You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
* You have 5 cars that are not mobile and a house that is!
* The primary color of your car is "bondo."
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
* Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* If you ever put ammo on your Christmas list

Redneck Etiquette

In General:

* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard, before shooting them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the "Will," it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

On Dining-Out:

* When decanting wine, make certain you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

On Entertaining at Home:

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by the taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

On Personal Hygiene:

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using one's own truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
* Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

On Dating (outside the family):

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive! Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on-time.

On Theatre Etiquette:

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

On Weddings:

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

On Driving:

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles. Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right-of-way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Do NOT "lay rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by Gator on May 27^th, 2005, 12:55pm

Redneck Jokes

Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff?
He wanted to test out his new air brakes.

Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Georgia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Alabama. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush.

Big Jimbo sauntered into his local Post Office, and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Dang it!" he said, "...if only that job was in Texas, Ah'd be a takin it!"

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign ................ What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium ................. What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan ................ Searching for the cat.
Cauterize .......... Made eye contact with her.
Colic ............... A sheep dog.
Coma ............... A punctuation mark.
Dilate ............. To live longer than your kids do.
Enema ............. Not a friend.
Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula ............ A small lie.
Hangnail ........... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent ........... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain .......... Getting hurt at work.
Morbid .............. A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates ............ Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff ....... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node .................... I knew it.
Outpatient .............. A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.
Pelvis ................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative ........... A mailman.
Recovery Room .... Place to do upholstery.
Secretion ....... Hiding something.
Seizure .......... Roman dude.
Terminal Illness .... Sick at the train station.
Tumor ............... More than one.
Urine ............... Opposite of mine.
Varicose ............ close by.
Hospital ............ The biggest building in town, other than Buba's bait shop.

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by Jonny on May 27^th, 2005, 5:08pm

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4dd03b3127cce9fbec00fb15b00000016108AZM2bNk5bM6

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by KingOfPain on May 28^th, 2005, 2:21pm

Redneck Computer Terms!

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by KingOfPain on May 28^th, 2005, 2:22pm

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by KingOfPain on May 28^th, 2005, 2:24pm

Redneck Computer Terms! [Version 2]

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot.

LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire.

MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck.

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood.

FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin ta tote too much farwood.

RAM: That thar thing what splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time.

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it cold outside.

SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season.

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP: Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM: Whatcha do in the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife.

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD: Whar you hang dem dang truck keys.

SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knives.

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer whar the mouse lives.

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all."

CLICK: Whut ya hear when ya cock yer gun.

DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel.

REBOOT: Whut ya hafta do right before bedtime, when ya hafta go to the outhouse.

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by KingOfPain on May 28^th, 2005, 2:26pm

Relocation/Moving Da House

http://www.redneckproducts.com/images/pushing.jpg

;;D

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by Racer1_NC on May 28^th, 2005, 2:28pm

on 05/28/05 at 14:21:51, KingOfPain wrote:

Redneck Computer Terms!

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Actually it's more like this......
BACKUP - What your sheep do when you enter the barn yard.

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by Redneck on May 28^th, 2005, 5:51pm

Naow ya'll all know I'ma gonna have ta show dis to all my in-laws and out-laws, sum of dem may take it kinda persoanl lak.

:)

Title: Re: Friday Funnies - Redneck Round Up!
Post by sandie99 on May 29^th, 2005, 3:40pm

[smiley=laugh.gif]