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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 General Board Posts >> TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
        
(Message started by: Carl_D on May 20th, 2005, 3:01am)
Title: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by Carl_D on May 20th, 2005, 3:01am
In honor of the release of the sixth and final (uh huh) of the Star Wars episodes - I figured I would summon my other half - Anakin's secret twin Heineken, for this Fridays funnies.

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".
* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".
* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"
* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

Jedi Needed F/T!
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.
Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.
*****************************************************
Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.
Title: Re: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by Carl_D on May 20th, 2005, 3:05am
Star Wars Vs. Titanic
"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"
14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?
19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.
20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.
21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.
Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet.

Top Differences If Quentin Tarantino Had made STAR WARS

1. Luke now meets Yoda and Obi-Wan's ghost in a bar, Yoda (The Bar Keep) keeps telling Obi-Wan to get Luke some Soup.
2. On Dagobah, when Luke has his vision of Han & Leia in trouble on Cloud City, the screen goes red and the "IRONSIDE" theme plays.
3. Instead of choking him with the force, Vader slices off Ozzel's head and gives the speech: "As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, always in a respectful manner, to question my logic . . . ."
4. Instead of carbonite, Han is now placed in Hospital with Buck (PG Rating Dies a screaming death)
5. Stormtroopers now bleed........alot. (See comment above about PG Rating)
6. The scene where Anakin avenges his mother's death now done in anime!
7. Anakin calls Obi-Wan a "useless old Jedi", Obi-Wan snatches out Anakin's eye
8. Instead of letting him fall down the air shaft, Vader throws Luke into his trunk after cutting off his hand and takes him to a Japanese hospital
9. Stormtroopers now called "The Crazy 88,000,000"
10. Darth Maul to Obi-Wan: "That really was a Honzi Lightsaber."
11. The scene where Vader walks off shuttle craft is now accompanied by the Oshi theme.
12. Han now shoots Greedo though a cereal box.
13. Luke now wears a yellow jump suit.
14. A pregnant Amidala leaves Anakin to escape.......oh wait, that did happen!
15. Princess Leia's "Jabba's Palace" disguise replaced with a nurse outfit, complete with Red Cross eye patch.
16. A lightsaber fight on HOTH (in the snow!!!!!)
17. Darth Vader to the Emperor: "That boy deserves his revenge, and we deserve to die".
18. Lando says: "I should have been Black Mamba!"
19. Instead of mentally stacking rocks, Yoda teaches Luke how to put his fist through a wooden wall.
20. Vader to Luke: "I killed Obi-Wan now I'm gonna kill you, with your master's lightsaber!!
21. When the interrogation droid approaches leia "Stuck in The Middle with You" starts playing
22. There goes the PG rating!
23. In Return of the Jedi the film ends with The Emperor and Darth Vader shooting each other just before the Stormtroopers arrive.
24. Obi-Wan refuses to tip Dexter, and takes 10 minutes to explain why
25. Everyone dies. EVERYONE!!!

http://media1.funnyjunk.com/pics/toilet_trooper.jpg
Title: Re: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by Carl_D on May 20th, 2005, 3:06am
Star Wars Drinking Game

If you are not of the legal drinking age in your country, please remember to play this game with lemonade or your favorite non-alcoholic beverage. May the Force be with you!!!

To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:
1.The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game). The Special Edition is optional but not necessary.
2.An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
3.A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all around you. Kapow! (optional)
4. Plenty of cushions, bean bag chairs, etc. to collapse on afterwards.

Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten "Star Wars" videotape into the big slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen. Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events. Every time one of them occurs, everybody takes a sip of their drink.
Drink when:
1.Someone has a bad feeling about this.
2.It's their only hope.
3.An entire planet is described as having one climate.
4.Somebody gets choked.
5.a woman other than Leia is on screen
6.An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
7.Somebody's hand gets cut off.
8.A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
9.There is a tremor in the Force.
10.It's not someone's fault
11.One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing
12.A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks
13.Someone exclaims "No!"
14.Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea
15.Twice if it's not Han
16.Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end
17.Someone is mind-controlled using the Force
18.People kiss
19.A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black
20.Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts)
21.Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray
22.Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen
23.An elaborately made up alien has no lines
24.Someone or something tries to get money from Han
25.Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
26.Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber)
27.An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count'em.)
28.It is Luke's destiny.
29.Luke whines.
30.Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
31.Luke fights monsters or savages.
32.Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
33.Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
34.Luke is upside-down
35.Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time
36.Twice if they speak to each other
37.Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed
38.Luke refuses to take someone's advice
39.Luke yells "Artooooo!"
40.Leia insults somebody.
41.Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands
42.Twice if it covers her neck
43.Three times if she's almost totally nude
44.Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
45.Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.")
46.Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
47.Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
48.Something doesn't work on the Falcon
49.Twice if it's the hyperdrive
50.Yoda uses bad grammar.
51.Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
52.R2-D2 gets thrashed.
53.R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
54.C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.)
55.C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with
56.A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white
57.Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count)
58.A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
59.A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
60.Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
61.The Emperor cackles evilly.
62.The Emperor has foreseen something.
63.Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them
64.Twice if he tries to kill them
65.Boba Fett talks.
66.Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
67.Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
68.Any Imperial Ship is destroyed
69.A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
70. Luke loses a family member/close friend and acts remarkably composed.
71. Carrie forgets her lines and has to have someone mouth them to her.
72. Han uses a crisis to sneak a grope at Leia.
73. There are more cardboard figures than actors on screen.
The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you've been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible. If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.
Special!!!!
And especially for those non-drinkers, there is:
THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME FOR MORMONS
The rules are basically the same as the other game but the drinking cues are different.
Drink when:
1.Stormtroopers display intelligence, courage, or training in battle.
2.Multiple Ewoks are killed.
3.Fantastic technology is explained.
4.Somebody listens to C-3PO.
5.Somebody cares about the environment.
6.The Emperor acts like a charming politician.
7.A woman is on screen, and an Imperial.


Happy Weekend,
8)
Title: Re: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by nani on May 20th, 2005, 4:11pm
[smiley=laugh.gif]

Thanks, Carl. I have to say, if I see one more middle aged man standing in line at midnight, dressed in a Darth Vader costume...I'm gonna have to  [smiley=hurl.gif]
Title: Re: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by yikes-another-one on May 22nd, 2005, 1:00pm
YODA ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: TGIF: May The Forced Be Whipped Too!
Post by Charlie on May 22nd, 2005, 2:47pm
Guess I'll have to tune in these things. I've only seen the first one from the 70s, I think.

Good stuff Carl. Thanks

Charlie


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