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Title: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by nani on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:06pm 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by seasonalboomer on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:11pm "Ahhhh .... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. " That one's really usable -- I love it. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:18pm These are great Nani! [smiley=laugh.gif] Personal fave: #15...lmao! I like the “your momma is so fat, or your momma is so ugly” jokes…Someone I once knew was very good at these…always cracked me up! Langa |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by ghost62 on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:20pm I can use most of these ;;D |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Frank_W on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:20pm "Yo' momma' so fat, she got her own zip code!!" [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by LeLimey on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:22pm I love these!! Thanks Nani |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:47pm on 04/06/05 at 16:20:26, Frank_W wrote:
Your momma is so ugly when she was a kid, they had to tie a T-Bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her. Editted to add: 39 and 40 were two of my favorites. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Frank_W on Apr 6th, 2005, 4:51pm #25 and #27.... [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 6th, 2005, 5:02pm Your momma's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gena on Apr 6th, 2005, 5:06pm Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by echo on Apr 6th, 2005, 5:11pm Yo mamma's so fat I'd need to pack a lunch to walk around her. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by LeLimey on Apr 6th, 2005, 5:11pm Gator seeing as how you are another Emo fan here are some quotes especially for you! A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. Emo Philips How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. Emo Philips I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference." Emo Philips I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Emo Philips I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Emo Philips I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." Emo Philips I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" Emo Philips I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips I'm a great lover, I'll bet. Emo Philips In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. Emo Philips My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'. Emo Philips My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. Emo Philips People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi. Emo Philips People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" Emo Philips Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. Emo Philips When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Frank_W on Apr 6th, 2005, 5:32pm LMAO!! Helen, these are hilarious!! [smiley=laugh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Charlie on Apr 6th, 2005, 6:49pm These are damn funny. I agree with your choosing #25, Frank. I spit up on the keyboard. Charlie http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/cheesyrotfm.gif |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by nani on Apr 6th, 2005, 6:53pm My favorites: 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 6th, 2005, 7:38pm Those Your Momma is Fat and Ugly jokes cracked me up! LMAO!!! More, More!!!! Langa ;;D |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 6th, 2005, 8:06pm [smiley=crackup.gif] ROFLMAO, Helen!!! I'm wiping tears fro my eyes here. Thanks!!! Your momma's got more chins than the Chinese phonebook! |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by nani on Apr 6th, 2005, 8:08pm You know...as a "momma"...I'm highly offended. Your mommas didn't teach you to be sensitive enough. ::) ;;D |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 6th, 2005, 8:15pm Quote:
Want a donut? I'll throw in some sprinkles on this one...just for you lovey. :D Langa |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Frank_W on Apr 6th, 2005, 8:20pm "Yo' mamma so fat, if you broke her leg off, gravy would come out!" |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 6th, 2005, 8:21pm [smiley=crackup.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by AussieBrian on Apr 6th, 2005, 10:23pm So ugly she couldn't turn a vibrator on. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 6th, 2005, 10:57pm Your momma was so ugly as a child they would sit her up in a corner and feed her with a slingshot. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by sandie99 on Apr 6th, 2005, 11:29pm [smiley=laugh.gif] Thanks, Nani! :) |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 6th, 2005, 11:37pm on 04/06/05 at 22:57:40, Gator wrote:
[smiley=spit.gif] [smiley=crackup.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 7th, 2005, 12:58am Your momma was so ugly as a child the cat kept burying her when she played in the sand box. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by PrettyH8Machine on Apr 7th, 2005, 2:49am Some of my personal sayings. I'm sorry. It's not me, it's you. Don't go away mad, just go away. Talking to you is like clapping with one hand. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I am medicated enough to deal with you right now. And this is me with a concerned looking face as if I gave a shit. This is me not caring. Once again you've managed to turn this day into a total crapfest. I'm not sure what kind of torture the jews endured, but I'll bet it was alot like talking to you. Picturing you on fire is much more entertaining. You're so wonderful. Now go away and show someone who just might give a rats ass. The office of personality called. You're application for one has once again been denied. Your head must be pretty far up your ass for you to be talking shit like that. I'm not allowed to talk about this until after the trial. okay, all I can think of for now. Smartass, Carl D |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by LeLimey on Apr 7th, 2005, 3:28am Carl thank you!! [smiley=laugh.gif] My personal overused expression is "If I wanted to listen to an arsehole Id've farted" |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Opus on Apr 7th, 2005, 7:46am If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems: * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory * If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. * All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. * The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? * If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. * When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. * Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. * I intend to live forever - so far, so good. * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? *My Mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? * If first don't succeed,destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. *The sooner you fall behind,the more time you will have to catch up. * The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. We have a dupe from Emo, wonder who said it first? Opus/Paul |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by BobG on Apr 7th, 2005, 8:10am The chances of the bread landing butter-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Yo momma is so fat....... the other day she was standing on the corner. A cop said "Ok, Ya'll break it up." If nothing's got broken, you're not playing hard enough. Yo momma is so fat.......... they had install new train tracks through her belt loops. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 7th, 2005, 8:23am Quote:
[smiley=crackup.gif] I almost choked on my coffee with this one! lmao! Opus, CarlD, great stuff... [smiley=laugh.gif] Langa |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Frank_W on Apr 7th, 2005, 8:50am Yo' mama's so fat, when she bends over, we enter Daylight Savings Time!! Yo' mama's so fat, if she had to haul ass, she'd have to make two trips! |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 8th, 2005, 1:19am When yo momma was born, the doc said "what a treasure." Her dad said, "Quick! Let's go bury it." Yo momma's so ugly, when she has sex, her partner wears a bag on his head in case hers falls off. Yo momm's so fat, in order to have sex, her partner's gotta roll her in flour and screw the wet spot. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 8th, 2005, 8:54am [smiley=crackup.gif] |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by jimbo on Apr 8th, 2005, 9:31am Your momma is so fat, she can pinch an inch in her forehead. Your Momma is so fat, Jenny Craig is avoiding her calls. Your Momma is so ugly, she made Ray Charles flinch. Your Momma is so fat, when she stepped on a quarter she made change. I see you set very low standards for yourself, and consistently fail to achieve them! Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks your an not a very nice person. If not a very nice persons could fly, this place would be an airport. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Gator on Apr 8th, 2005, 1:43pm Yo momma is fat. She went to a cook out and when asked what she wanted on her hamburger, she said a hot dog. I used to like to go with her to McDonald's and watch her eat and watch the numbers change. Okay, I am dating myself. Years ago, Mickie D's sign out front kept track of the number of burgers sold. Seems to me, I can remember when it said XX million. Now because of yo momma, it just says billions and billions. Wait! Does it even say that any more? |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by ghost62 on Apr 8th, 2005, 2:08pm And dont forget that you are so ugly your mamma took you every where she went so she didnt have to kiss you goodbye. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by ghost62 on Apr 8th, 2005, 2:08pm wait that was me ;;D |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by BikerBob on Apr 8th, 2005, 2:14pm Yo momma's so ugly, 3 guys broke into her house and she hollered "Rape!", They hollered "NO". Yo momma's so fat, she fell into the grand canyon and got stuck. Yo momma's so fat, to have sex with her you have to slap her on the thigh and ride the wave in. Yo momma's so ugly, she has to tie a porkchop around her neck so the dog will play with her. Yo momma's so fat she could kick start a 747. |
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Title: Re: Snappy comebacks and words to live by Post by Langa on Apr 8th, 2005, 2:20pm Quote:
OMG…I almost fell off my chair with this one, I was laughing so hard!! [smiley=crackup.gif] You know I’m saving all these for when my friends start up with these, I have some good ones to say… Langa |
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