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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 General Board Posts >> I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
        
(Message started by: helpless23 on Mar 9^th, 2005, 1:13pm)

Title: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by helpless23 on Mar 9^th, 2005, 1:13pm

Hi,

So I'm here, home alone, ready to blow my top clear to the roof - because I'm pissed.

Most of you know that my step-son passed away in October, which left us in total shock and shambles, to say the least.

The ONLY thing I have tried to do for EVERYONE (even his mother, who I can't stand, but buried the hatchet for Christopher's sake because I knew how uncomfortable it made him -- too bad I couldn't realize it ((her too)) when he was still here) was help. I spent hours on thinking of making her a scrap book of Christopher, so when she was ready, she could just sit down, and remember him when she wanted to. I even bought her a Christmas present (expensive too, I'm such a jack ass) from Yankee Candle. They are expensive candles. I also bought her, not only the candle, but...a plate and HOOD to go with it. Set me back about 50 bucks. And I didn't have money really to buy for Christmas, but we did it mainly for some normalcy (because we all knew it was going to be a very hard time) and for the kids and family.

Come to find out (I can't say how, but I have proof), that the woman wishes me dead daily. She wishes and hopes SO HARD (you can quote that too) that I died instead of Christopher. Would Christopher have wished ill on anyone? NO! I mean, I would be wishing MYSELF dead instead of my son/daughter, but certainly not anyone else. I sit here, I bite my toungue, I watch things happen around here, I put up with more bullshit than any other person that I know, I sit back on the side lines, because EVERYONE here makes me and my kids feel like we don't have a right or a say or are a part of this family and just let "them" have their grieving time and their space.

Meanwhile, I'm losing my mind, getting so mad and hurt and upset (because I haven't been able to greive with the help of anyone, because in "her" words, I don't have a right to, and neither to my children) that I just sit here and cry. Alone. All day. I hate venting over the phone (Leesa, my angel), I'm so sick of it.

The house is going up for sale on Tuesday, and I have been doing nothing but working my ASS off to try and get all the crap done in the house and she's wishing me dead.

I have been labled such the big bitch in this family, that no one cares how _i_ AM FEELING. HOW MY KIDS ARE FEELING about Chris. No one. The only one who cares, and this is going to sound really wierd, but Christopher. He cares. How do I know? Because he does things in this house, and sends me signs all the time. He loves us.
I know this situation isn't easy -- especially for his "blood" family, but we are human too, and to just be expected to take a back seat, while they deal with things in their way, and be there for each other, in my eyes is just wrong. And I'm not that selfish to put myself first, when my family is hurting to say "What about me?". So I put myself in this situation I guess and have nobody else to blame but myself.

I'm trying really REALLY hard here to keep my cool - and so far, I have -- but it's getting harder by the day. And I know that it's just going to build up inside of me so much one day if I don't get it out SOMEWHERE, that I'm going to explode at the wrong people, and I don't want to do that. I feel like a walking time bomb. Everyone hates me in this family because I am opinionated and I don't hold anything back. I tell it like it is. And reality is, the truth hurts. It hurts me too when I hear it. But why sugar coat? It does nobody any good at all.

I'm just so sick of being the back burner around here, and especially now with so much going on, so many emotions and feelings and things -- it's just getting to me. I want things to change so badly, but I'll be damned if I'm going to conform to the way THEY WANT me to be, or the way THEY are used to living. I have gone through hell to get where I am today (loving husband and 2 wonderful children) to bow down to ANYONE, no matter how much they are hurting. WE HURT TOO! WE LOVED HIM TOO! Why isn't anyone seeing that here? Why is it walk on eggshells with them, but screw us? It's not fair, and it's CERTAINLY NOT a family.

I would give anything to have Christopher back, but I certainly wouldn't want to see ANYONE else die to do that. I think that's mean, and I think it's 2 faced, especially when your nice to my face and then you're following me around with a knife in your hand ready to stab me in the back every chance you get.

And just for the record, I'm getting the tattoo, with Christopher's name on it and the number "47" which meant something to me about Christopher (nick name that I used to call him all the time). I was worried about stepping on his mother's toes -- but he was my step-son too, and it is MY BODY, and I'll do whatever the hell I want to! Period!!!!!!!!!

UGgggg...I'm so upset and mad right now...I wish I could SCREAM!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent family.

Love,
Toni

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Frank_W on Mar 9^th, 2005, 1:41pm

[smiley=hug.gif] :'(

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Alien Space Babe on Mar 9^th, 2005, 1:57pm

I understand
but don't have any real words of wisdom

two-faced people really can hurt us - knowing she's two-faced will help you deal with her words and actions

Grieve in the manner that *you* need, despite what others say or seem to expect of you.
By blood, by adoption, or by marriage, a child is still your child.

Wish I knew something helpful to say.... Know that our thoughts are with you... [smiley=hug.gif] [smiley=nono.gif]

Lizzie

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Mar 9^th, 2005, 2:01pm

Toni...

I can't offer any advice for this kind of situation.

I do really feel bad for you though that you have to go through this kind of crap.

I had to go through a lot of the same stuff as a step dad with their real dad. My stuff don't even come close to what you have gone through though.

Get the tattoo if you want it and don't even think about what 'she' thinks about it. This is for you.

Also remember that when you do something nice for a jerk, it makes them look even more like a jerk.

I wish there was more I could say but I'm thinking of you anyway and sending my best.

Hang in there.

Pat

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by vig on Mar 9^th, 2005, 2:14pm

sometimes you can't fight evil.
Just do your best and stay away from her.

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by LeLimey on Mar 9^th, 2005, 2:38pm

Oh hon,
I remember you telling the 47c story a while back.. it really made me smile, you go get your tattoo.
Bugger what she or anyone else thinks. Chris knows you and how you feel and on this no one else matters.
I would probably want to lash out at everyone if a child of mine had died. I can understand that. I wouldn't do it though for two reasons. I wouldn't dishonour my sons memory and I wouldn't hurt someone he cared about.
You are a bigger person, you are strong and you are much loved.
Do what YOU need to do for YOU and YOUR family. You can grieve in your way and she doesn't need to be included in that.
I wish you peace
love
Helen

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by cootie on Mar 9^th, 2005, 3:54pm

I have a bad problem with people like that too.....I dwell on it so bad I about give myself a stroke or heartattack and can NOT let it ride. Course when I have someone feeding my fire tellin me stuff it KEEPS the flame burning. Got a situation with some X freinds rite now I feel similar about.....nothing there doin to us.....but something they are doin to anouther friend all in the sake of MONEY. I am so furious about it I am walking around in circles. So I'm not too good for advice on this one but one thing I do know......it's best to walk away and let it be. YOU know what YOU know......"screw them to hell and back" !! And be nice of people that throw more wood on the fire maybe keep it to themselves.....if possible. It's upsetting you and keeping the hurt too much ALIVE. Best to forget but not always forgive Pam

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Tiannia on Mar 9^th, 2005, 4:18pm

Toni -

Take your time to vent. Stop the walking on eggshells. You are right you all have the right to greive. It is not a blood thing. I wish I could help more, but take the time you and your kids need. That is the best thing that you could do for Christopher and yourselves. :'( :-*

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Mar 9^th, 2005, 4:45pm

Toni - check your emails hon.

Hugs
Carol

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Donna_D. on Mar 9^th, 2005, 9:18pm

Toni,

My heart goes out to you. I wish there were some magical words of wisdom that would help you through all this, but the simple fact is that it takes time.

It seems Christophers "biological" mother is somehow blaming you for all this...misplaced although it may be, it may be her way of coping. Don't get me wrong, I am not taking up for her, just trying to help make sense of it all....

One thing I do when faced with people who I cannot tolerate or am angry with....Anything they say, I just reply with "That's nice." (Remembering that "That's Nice" is what they teach young ladies in boarding school to say instead of "Fuck You" ;;D )

As far as Christopher showing you signs, I am sure he is! I get my signs in the form of ladybugs (no I'm not wierd, its true)....Ever since my Grandmother died, when I am under extreme stress or in worrysome situations, I see a ladybug. Happened just the other day when my son (3yrs old) had to have dental surgery. Christopher is with you and would not want to see you so upset and stressed. Knowing that even now he still chooses to be with you should be a comfort in itself. He still and always will love you!

Sounds like you need to take some time for you. A hot bath and a good cry (Our own Elaine's remedy), a night out away from the house shopping or seeing a movie, or just go get stinkin drunk..what ever makes you happy.

You deserve it.

DD

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Pinkfloyd on Mar 10^th, 2005, 2:35am

Choice 1)
Next time you see her, put your arm around her shoulder and whisper into her ear, "Sweetie....I know how much it must hurt to first have your ex love me more than you, and then your son. Have you considered yoga?"
Then next Christmas, give her a picture of you and Christopher smiling together, and tell her. "i thought you might like to a rememberance of him when he was happy"

or

2) Be content with your happy home and don't allow bitter people to tear down what you have, because they will if you let them.

I'd probably choose number one but not for the bad karma repercussions that would certainly follow.

Bobw

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by sandie99 on Mar 10^th, 2005, 2:36am

Toni,
I am so sorry... :( [smiley=hug.gif]

I wish there'd be a way I could get some sense into those people's heads... I'd do that. Losing a loved-one causes weird things... people want to blame someone believing that it would help! Hating you won't bring Christopher back. In the end, hate just destroys the person who hates, not the one they hate.
I wish you strength to bare with this difficult situation.
[smiley=hug.gif]

You're in my prayers...

Best wishes,
sandie

Title: Re: I need to vent - or I'm going to explode!
Post by Leesa on Mar 10^th, 2005, 10:23pm

Toni, you and I talk ALOT and baby from this devil child herself Ill tell ya this............Revenge is a dish better served cold as ice! I love BobW's idea though. HEHEHEE
Leesa, you know I got your back gal!!!