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Title: Need help fast ... please! Post by Dave_Emond on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:15pm Friends, I could sure use some quick advice, about to lose my sanity if I can't make a decision ... by later this afternoon! As most already know, my mother has been in SICU for just over 30 days now. Communication wasn't possible, we could only be there. Quite suddenly, thank God, she has made a major change almost overnight. She still has much ahead of her, but is aware and can speak now. While she was in the SICU, my brother Todd, who suffered from severe anxiety disorders, committed suicide back on Feb 1st. My older brother insists we don't tell her until she is out of the hospital and in an acute rehab hospital before she is told of Todd's death. I've been having trouble with that view. Last night, my brother sat in the back of her room, pretty much out of sight. In my wheelchair, I was in plain view. Of course, she asked minutes from the end of visiting hours, "How's Todd?" Per my brother's wishes and being caught off guard I answered, "He's fine." There was no time to hesitate with an answer and thank God Annette quickly jumped in and changed the conversation. (I had told my brother, if there were going to be lies, even with possibly good intentions, he would have to do it, I couldn't.) But now I did. If I'm not sick enough as it is right now, my mind is scattered and since last night, it's tearing me apart inside. My brother won't be there tonight as he's prepping for a colonoscopy tomorrow (So may not be there for two nights). I don't think I can possibly look straight into my Mom's eyes until the truth is told. I see the situation as she should know now while still in with trauma experts and counselers. Mark insists we wait until she is rehabing well. Mark loves his Mom as much as I do, please make no mistake there. So, I'm looking at two visits where she is sure to ask more questions and am scared to death on how to respond. Could the news set her back hard enough to endanger her or possibly make her fight to get better in her mind change and give up? That's a huge fear as she has taken care of Todd for about 27 years of his troubles. Never separated for more than maybe almost a year in which times I took care of Todd. Will there be a burden lifted from her or were they so attached she may have only held on through many of her own health and other problems for his sake? These questions are tearing me up. Mark may be right, I may be? But, I need some good advice fast on how to at least deal with tonight when I see her and the questions come. A lot of wisdom here among my friends here, if you have any to share ... I'm listening and grateful. I can't use the phones to take calls, will be talking to the hospital counselers and doctors throughout the afternoon and with Mark. I will keep my eye here as well though just in case someone can offer any advice ... my head is spinning with all this and the CH attacks inbetween. Thank you so much (Even prayers for wisdom are welcome if you don't have suggestions) I'm just about at a loss! God Bless, Dave |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by guesst on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:19pm I know it is a hard decision, but if ever there is a question, I always err on the side of honesty, myself. This is a heavy burden and you have dealt with so much already. I just wish you could have some peace for a change. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Frank_W on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:23pm on 02/22/05 at 14:19:11, guesst wrote:
Ditto. Dave, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, on top of so many other things you have been facing... My sincere condolences to you and your family, and I hope your mother continues to heal swiftly. YOU TOO!! [smiley=hug.gif] |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by ghost62 on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:23pm I dont mean to be a butt head but the best way I see it is to find a nice way to tell her he passed and wait till later to give the details. But I think she does deserve to know the truth. I am sorry for your loss. I can only see what I would want if it where me and one of my sons passed. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by maureen on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:24pm I am so sorry to hear about you and your poor family, I would suggest talking to her Dr and get his opinion. Maybe listen to your heart it will know what to do what feels right usually is. Sending you and your family all the prayers I can. God bless you and yours Maureen |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Langa on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:28pm HI Dave: Gosh I honestly feel so awful for you being in this situation. I would be honest upfront, but I also suggest speaking to her doctors first and see if they feel she is strong enough to handle the news or if they think you should wait. Either way, they should know – I think. That’s what I would do. I’ll pray for you for wisdom and peace when the time comes. I feel so bad, but we’re here for you. Langa |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by vig on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:35pm trust your instincts Dave... probably right on. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Dave_Emond on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:36pm Thank you all for such quick responses, they represent how I feel as well and maybe can be of use in talking my brother into these views. Not a "butt-head" ghost ... I've written up the following to maybe give her I'm hoping may help: Todd Lee Emond December 22, 1964 – February 1, 2005 Words for Todd and all that knew and loved him: Todd is now at peace, resting in God’s glory. We know that our present pains are far past our understanding but must wait for God’s glory for Todd that will someday be revealed to us. We also know that God helps us in our weakness. We don’t know exactly what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit of God Himself intercedes for us and speaks what words we cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for us and Todd in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, and those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified. So what then, do we say in response to this knowledge? We can rest and find peace in our minds from the Word of God, shared with us from the writings of Paul, believe and take them to heart. If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give Todd all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Christ Jesus, who died, more than that, who was raised to life, is at the right hand of God and is also interceding now for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall Todd’s troubles and hardships separate him? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For we must be convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. For with this hope we are saved, as is Todd. We will each grieve in our own ways as we will miss Todd, but find strength in knowing that Todd has finally found that peace he before could not find here on earth. Summertime has finally come to Todd and him to it. We can find resolve in letting Todd go back into the earth, floating in the breezes, flowing in the waters and nourishing in the ground all in the peace he sought all his life. Todd is now resting in God’s glory and we shall be together again someday in a new life and all will be well. Amen. Summertime now for Todd: “One of these mornings you’re gonna rise, rise up singing. You’re gonna spread your wings, Child, and take, take to the sky, Lord, the sky.” Todd had told me several times to spread his ashes in the mountains while Janis sang "Summertime." |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Margi on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:42pm Dave, is your Mom Christian (as you are)? If so, her faith and your wisdom (I see your wisdom prayer has already been answered, by your writing here ;) will guide her through the horrible news of losing a child. I tend to agree with you of telling her now, and Thomas' honesty-first policy. She does have you all around her now (as well as a medical team) if she needs any intervention. I would think telling her after she's gone miles into rehab would tend to set her back even further than it could now. If you think she's lucid enough to read what you've written, or maybe read it to her after you tell her, then I say it's her right to know. Put yourself in her shoes...wouldn't YOU want to know as soon as possible and wouldn't you be pretty upset if you weren't told for months? Be honest, Dave - you know it's the right thing to do. My prayers are with you, friend. Hugs Margi |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by sandie99 on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:42pm ((((((((((VIBES)))))))))) It's a difficoult decision you have to make there. I wondered what if I'd be your mother - would I like to know the truth right now? My answer is: I would. The longer you keep it from her, the harder it gets. Maybe you could tell it to her lightly, if possible... Anyway, I wish you & your family the best. You're in my prayers. [smiley=hug.gif] Best wishes, Sandie |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by LadyElaine on Feb 22nd, 2005, 2:59pm My heart goes out to you for Todd and your Mother and all you are going through. I think before I did any thing I would ask her doctors what they think. Then I would go from there. I don't like lies but if its in the best intrest of her health I would lie. Talk to her Doctors get their advice before you do anything if you have not already. God Bless your Family! Elaine |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by vig on Feb 22nd, 2005, 3:04pm read it to her. it'll have more in your own voice. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Langa on Feb 22nd, 2005, 3:08pm Dave, the letter is beautiful. Make sure you read it to her...your voice while reading it will also comfort her. Langa |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by rickyshot on Feb 22nd, 2005, 3:19pm :'( :'( :'( [smiley=hug.gif]Dave I am crying at work. Your letter from Romans moved me so much. Nothing like the Word of God to make things right. I am with the majority. Tell your mom and show her the letter. I just can't imagine your pain right now. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Redd715 on Feb 22nd, 2005, 3:33pm You knew what to do already. I know you tell her in the most gentle of ways. Thats all you can do and still be truthful. My Love to Dave and to your family. |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by lionsound on Feb 22nd, 2005, 3:34pm Hi Dave, What an awful postition for you to be in and I'm sorry you and your family are hurting right now. I think you already know in your heart what you need to do. Please remember that your Mom loves you and that mothers have special senses about their children. I wish you and you family strengh and comfort. Be well, lionsound |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Cerberus on Feb 22nd, 2005, 4:11pm Gotta tell the truth... Reality bites. Ramon :-/ |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Donna_D. on Feb 22nd, 2005, 4:38pm on 02/22/05 at 16:11:53, Cerberus wrote:
Gotta agree with the brat on this one. Your first instinct was to tell her the truth. I say go with that. DD |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by maureen on Feb 22nd, 2005, 4:53pm Your letter is beautiful, and I think you know already what you need to do. God bless you and your family, and send his angels to guide and comfort you and yours. Sending you my prayers Maureen |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Lizzie2 on Feb 22nd, 2005, 5:47pm I think you already know the answer for what to do, as well, and I'm praying for you that God gives you the strength to get through it. This is hardly comparable but about 2 years ago, my choir director from high school and 2nd father had a massive heart attack. His son found him blue on the floor. He was taken to the hospital and had 4 stents put in. He's alive and well today... I found out about 2 weeks after it all happened by my mom telling me. I got extremely angry that all my friends from high school knew and never told me. My one friend's mom told me that they didn't want to fill me in because they were afraid it would "make my headaches worse." I was infuriated. He was my 2nd father. He is everything to me. I deserved to know...and I never deserved to find out the way that I did. So....I know that can't compare...but I think this is how people tend to feel when they find something out later that was kept from them...especially something very important about their loved ones. Never an easy battle... Hugz, Carrie |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by juvy on Feb 22nd, 2005, 5:52pm Dave, hav e you talked to her Drs to see if she can handle the truth right now? Ask their advice. first i wouldn't tell her with out talking to Mark again as he may feel betrayed and upset if your mother does take a turn for the worse after hearing the news. Either way it's hard to judge and you have to do what you can live with. sorry not much help here. *huge hugs* wish i could help you more. April |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Dave_Emond on Feb 22nd, 2005, 6:41pm Thanks so much to each and everyone of you! I used all your advice to have the right words to talk to Mark and he is now agreeing that she should be told. You gave me the right things to say to sway his view ... thank you! So ... was only able to talk with a case manager at the hospital for now. She like 7 other counselers will not be in tomorrow, so will have to meet with another and explain the whole situation again. Mom has had several doctors working on her over the last month, but I do now know who her main doc is. The only way to make sure I can talk to him is by being there when he makes his rounds. So, Annette will drop me off at the hospital about 6:00 AM tomorrow and I'll catch him before he makes his rounds so he can know we expect to tell her that day and pay close attention during his exam and then meet with me afterward and let me know if he feels she is physically ready for the news and be aware of possible needs if she should fall into further complications. I'll then have time to talk further with a counseler and the hospital Chaplin, just in case we need more help from other sources. Mark will be sedated for his colonoscopy and we don't have a clue how long he'll sleep for, nor will he probably be able to drive. Annette can't drive at night and it will probably be snowing, so I guess it'll be up to me to get us back home around maybe 9:00 PM. So far, since I've been stuck back in the wheelchair, I haven't driven more than a couple blocks. This hospital is 15 miles away. But, I know every side street in this city and think I could manage it by staying off all main roads. Just will take a little longer and be a good test to see if I can stay behind a wheel long enough so I can get back to my doctors soon. (I'm long overdue on my visits.) Will skip a visit tonight as there's no way I could look my Mom in the eye and lie, she'd probably see right through me anyway. All your advice was very helpful and the vibes and prayers so much appreciated. I can always count on my friends! It's going to be another long night as I'll have nothing else on my mind but her and the barrage of CH attacks. A few cracks in the dam patched, tomorrow ... ? Love ya All! Dave |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Bob P on Feb 22nd, 2005, 6:55pm I'd lie like a sum na beech!!!!!! |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Jonny on Feb 22nd, 2005, 6:59pm on 02/22/05 at 18:55:58, Bob P wrote:
Same here. ....................................................jonny |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by juvy on Feb 22nd, 2005, 7:04pm Dave, I'm glad you and Mark came to an agreement. I wish you strength and vibes for your ordeal tomorrow. *huge hugs* just know that we're there with you in spirit. *hugs* April |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Tiannia on Feb 22nd, 2005, 7:18pm Dave I know it is hard but she deserves to be told and there is a lot of resentment that could end up in the situation if you wait and lie to her. You are going about it the right way to talk to her docs and counselors. Similar situation I had where one of my dearest friends int he world had been with this partner for 8 years. they where both HIV positive but only went into full blown AIDS in the last year. They where both in and out of the hospital many times and I as well as many others would come over to help them as mcuh as we could. In the end they where both in the hospital and Mark passed. His family refused to tell Steve (my friend). They did not want to upset him. I know that he would be at more peace knowing that he would want to know that Mark was at peace. It made me so angry that they never let him know. Thoughts are with you and she will that you truely want to do what is right. Blessed Be, my friend, -Tia |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Opus on Feb 22nd, 2005, 9:22pm Dave, The truth will set you free. Sounds like it is under control now. Opus/Paul |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Charlie on Feb 22nd, 2005, 11:24pm I certainly don't know your mother but sometimes really bad news can have a kind of positive effect...at least for a time. I've heard of it and to some degree seen it. It's iffy of course but sometimes our parents can be very tough. Wish I had more to tell you and good luck in any case. Charlie |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Mr. Happy on Feb 22nd, 2005, 11:37pm on 02/22/05 at 14:15:55, Dave_Emond wrote:
I hope you lubed the wheels on your port-o-chair before you took off for the day's festivities. Quit carrying the world on your shoulders, Dave. It's a heavy fucking planet, RJ |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Cerberus on Feb 22nd, 2005, 11:52pm Quote:
Jones has a point... and BTW Dave, How YOU dooin? Ramon |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by rumplestiltskin on Feb 23rd, 2005, 1:08am I noted the music in yer post. ...which reminded me of how much music has meant to me and those other friends who have been left behind. Music and death are somehow woven together...I guess it's because ...well...there are times when simple words fail us. That being said....with respect to your situation with yer mom.... I believe this to be one of those rare circumstances where a singing telegram would be appropriate. I hope this arrives in time. ...and what RJ said too...all those fancy words add up to..."you believe there is a God" PS: You ain't him. Walk in the sunshine den |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by nancyc on Feb 23rd, 2005, 12:22pm Know you are in my prayers, bro. God bless, smiles,nancyc |
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Title: Re: Need help fast ... please! Post by Edna on Feb 23rd, 2005, 2:52pm Dave, just remember, God does not deal us more than we can handle. And that holds true for your mother as well. As a mother, sister, daughter, friend............given her position, "I" would want to know. I was just chatting with a pal today about a somewhat similar situation.........my advice is the same.......honesty is the best policy. I'd send you a pm but not sure if you have the time to check them.....so sorry folks, but this one may be long. Dave, I was dealt a rather unusual family circumstance myself a few years ago.......because my father has a history of heart disease, our entire family walked on eggshells concerning an issue......one day I lost it and caused a confrontation........was blamed for "upsetting" dad........guess what.....HE LIVED. My actions made for a better situation, so guess what I'm saying is...........don't think I could have "caused" dad to fall ill (as with you and the situation with your mother). If tragedy befalls with her knowing, it was someone other than your will, I firmly believe that. My uncle that is 80 years old lost his wife while he himself was in the hospital.........he is still alive, very ill himself, and still a trooper. I totally agree with others here, in your heart you already know what is the thing to do. Godspeed friend, and may the good Lord keep you ever close. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. love, EDNA |
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