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        New Message Board Archives >> 2005 General Board Posts >> Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin 
        
(Message started by: medic1852 on Jan 14^th, 2005, 4:54pm)

Title: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin
Post by medic1852 on Jan 14^th, 2005, 4:54pm

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.
Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we
do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
Gore,
Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
are
not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy.
And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get
your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what
we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your
ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such
things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston.
Make
fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
and
you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by Jimi on Jan 14^th, 2005, 5:04pm

I had to tell them all that medic before they came down to Nashville and embarassed themselves. They acted pretty good although they DID try to talk like us after awhile. Since they were good people, I didn't kick their ass. ;;D

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by Jeepgun on Jan 14^th, 2005, 5:04pm

on 01/14/05 at 16:54:49, medic1852 wrote:

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.

When people complain about how hot it is, I give my stock reply:

"But it's a WET heat!" This just confuses the shit out of them. LOL! [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by E-Double on Jan 14^th, 2005, 5:50pm

on 01/14/05 at 17:04:21, Jimi wrote:

Since they were good people, I didn't kick their ass. ;;D

Did ya make them "Squeal like a pig" ?

Yankee ducking but not running lmao [smiley=laugh.gif]

Just running up my #'s

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by PrettyH8Machine on Jan 14^th, 2005, 6:39pm

Damnit, I read the title of this post wrong and so was surprised to read it, and kind of let down.

I thought it said "Fifteen Ways To Enjoy A Good Southern Ass Whup."

Got me all excited for nuthin'

;;D

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by forgetfulnot on Jan 14^th, 2005, 6:48pm

Did you see deliverence? [smiley=laugh.gif]

Lee

Title: Re: Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whup
Post by forgetfulnot on Jan 14^th, 2005, 7:13pm

Quote:

Waffle House

We call it Awfull House down here. ;;D

Lee