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Title: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by purpleydog on Nov 27th, 2004, 6:22pm Here is an article Svenn asked me to post on the board. It is an article by Richard W. Hanson PhD. Svenn's comment was that "this is the forgotten part of CH". I tend to agree. It's a good article, read it and see what you think. PD PAIN AND FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS Richard W. Hanson, Ph.D. Although you are the one who has the pain problem, it is highly likely that other members of your family have been affected in some way by your chronic pain condition. It is certainly possible that your family has been very supportive and understanding toward you and that you have all drawn closer together as a result of your physical problems. However, many families experience considerable stress and strain when one member has a chronic and disabling pain problem. Following are some common family or marital problems which may result when one person has a chronic pain condition: Withdrawal from normal family activities. Many persons would rather be by themselves when they are in pain and end up isolating themselves much of the time from the rest of the family. Others refuse to join in on various family activities and outings (e.g., "you go ahead without me, I'm in too much pain today"). As a result, you may eventually assume the role of an outsider within your own family. Alienating your family as a result of your irritability and short fuse. It is very common to take your frustrations out on those who are closest to you. If you feel frustrated and irritable because of your pain and disability, you may alienate your family through your crankiness or periodic temper outbursts. Compounding the problem is the fact that you may feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes family members feel that they have to be very careful and continually "walk on eggshells" to avoid upsetting the person in pain. Being babied or treated like an invalid. Sometimes family members respond to the person in pain as being much more helpless or disabled than he or she actually is. If this is true for you, your family may do things for you that you are capable of doing for yourself. They also may be overprotective toward you and continually remind you to take it easy and not overdo it. Although some persons with chronic pain may enjoy the attention, many others feel annoyed when they are being babied. The family just doesn't seem to understand what you are going through. Another common complaint is that the family expects more from you than you are capable of doing. Since they can't see your pain and perhaps can't understand why you haven't gotten better as a result of all the medical treatment, they may treat you as though you weren't as bad off as you actually feel. Even if they know that it is not your fault that you have the pain problem, it is normal for family members to feel some resentment toward you because of your disabling condition, especially if you are no longer the main bread winner or participating in family activities the way you used to. Finally, family members may experience a lot of frustration and a sense of helplessness since there is relatively little they can do to make your pain go away. Not feeling like a real man or woman anymore. Chronic and disabling pain can interfere with many activities that have previously supported your feelings of masculinity or femininity. For example, many men with chronic pain feel like they are less of a man if they are not working and bringing home a regular paycheck. Other men feel guilty if they can't rough house or play sports with their children. Some women with chronic pain feel like they are less of a woman if they are unable to do some of the activities traditionally associated with the female role such as cooking, cleaning, and child care. Sometimes families do a "role reversal" whereby the wife goes off to work while the husband stays home and does the housework or cares for the kids. Furthermore, when disabling pain interferes with your sex life, your feelings of masculinity or femininity may be undermined as well. continued... |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by purpleydog on Nov 27th, 2004, 6:25pm the rest... The Importance of Honest and Open Communication Most of the family problems associated with chronic pain develop gradually over a period of time. More often than not, families are reluctant to discuss these problems openly. The common fear is that bringing the problems out into the open will cause further conflict and bad feelings. However, the only way these problems can possibly be resolved, short of severing the family ties all together, is to discuss them openly and honestly. We recommend healthy two-way communication which involves active listening. This means that it is not enough to express your thoughts and try to get others in your family to see your point of view. You must also try to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Too many families engage in guess work, mind reading, and faulty assumptions when it comes to understanding one another. True communication requires active listening as well as honest expression of your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is very helpful to set aside certain times during the day or week in which the sole purpose is to sit down and openly discuss family or marital problems and issues of mutual concern. These special family or marital communication sessions can be used as an opportunity to air differences, attain mutual understanding, and hopefully arrive at a resolution to conflicts. However, when couples or families are unable to communicate very well on their own, it may be necessary to meet with a trained counselor or some mutually agreed upon neutral party who can facilitate healthy communication and conflict resolution. Family Members’ Response to Your Pain Normally when a family member is suffering from an acute illness, the ill person receives increased attention and is excused from normal responsibilities. When the medical condition becomes chronic, however, the attention often becomes less and responses to physical complaints become more problematic. Sometimes, family members grow tired of your pain complaints. At other times, they may feel frustrated and helpless because they don’t know how to respond to you. We distinguish three ways that family members or friends (significant others) may respond to your expressions of pain: Punishing. They either ignore you or make responses which indicate a lack of caring or concern, e.g., express irritation, frustration or anger. Solicitous. They offer to help you in some way such as getting your medication, giving you food or water, taking over your chores, asking how they can help. Distracting Responses. They try to get you talking about something other than pain or suggest or encourage you to do some diversionary activity (e.g., work on a hobby). Of these three responses, punishing responses are least desirable. Although solicitous responses are often preferred, they may be overdone and actually reinforce increased dependency and helplessness on your part. We encourage greater use of distracting responses. Following are some recommendations listed in Dr. Wells’ and Nown’s book (see recommended readings) that may be given to your significant others on how to respond to your chronic pain. 1.Encourage your relative to be as active as possible. Don’t talk about or dwell on the pain too much. Try not to overdo the sympathy. Don’t keep asking, for example, “How’s the pain today?” or “How are you feeling?” This only reminds your relative that he or she has pain and it will probably make things worse. 2.Encourage your relative to be as independent as possible. Try not to do too much for him or her. 3.If your relative dwells on pain and talks about it constantly, try to change the subject or distract him or her with something more interesting. Encourage your relative to exercise, to learn relaxation skills, to take up interests and to think about more positive aspects of life. Who can recognize themselves here? Thanks Svenn, for being who you are, my viking friend. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Kevin_M on Nov 27th, 2004, 6:42pm on 11/27/04 at 18:25:04, purpleydog wrote:
Thanks to Svenn, purpleydog Kevin M |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Carl_D on Nov 27th, 2004, 6:58pm Fantastic article, and so very true. One characteristisc I have always had is the ability to diffuse situations, and so to speak 'talk people down.' I'm one of the nicest guys you could meet, though can be eccentric, and have a twisted sense of humor. On here, I write alot (and yes whine) but resist talking about it alot to people around me. The dark side of me I take out in my art, music and writing. Though I tend to be a very outgoing person, once a CH hits, I have to bail to be by myself because I don't want anyone to see the ugly thing I can become during a roaring 1 1/2 hour long level 10. I consider that to be my weakest, most vulnerable moment to say something I'll regret. I run like a wounded wolf. In the last year though, with other physical problems, I become pretty withdrawn and want to be alone. At times where I become unable to walk, it is a forced necessity. Though I hate being single and going it alone, sometimes I think that is for the best so as not to become a burden to someone else. The toll that pain has on families and relationships can be emotionally devastating. What will draw some closer will tear others apart. Thanks for the article Svenn and sending vibes and prayers your way. And thanks for posting it Purpley. Peace & love, Carl D |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by kimh on Nov 27th, 2004, 7:01pm thank yu svenn...i'm positive we are can all find ourselves somewere amidst those portraits. better days ahead :-* |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Ronny on Nov 27th, 2004, 7:38pm Yep, very true. thank you Svenn, Chris. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Nov 27th, 2004, 7:52pm Thanks Svenn for sharing a very powerful message with all of us. Carol |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Redd715 on Nov 27th, 2004, 8:09pm Living....thats really the message I think... beyond the pain, and beyond the limits we impose upon ourselves... Thanks for that reminder Svenn...you are a very dear friend. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by nani on Nov 27th, 2004, 10:07pm Thanks, Svenn. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by LeLimey on Nov 28th, 2004, 6:47am Thank you, that is perfect |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by PerryGR on Nov 28th, 2004, 7:05am Great article.[smiley=thumb.gif] Thank you Svenn, Chris. PFDAN to all, Perry. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Svenn on Nov 28th, 2004, 1:42pm just thought the article was to importent to let go since its so much us clusterheads in it. Perhaps and hopefully someone can learn something from it or start think differently about their own situation Svenn |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by cootie on Nov 28th, 2004, 3:33pm Wow......alot of it is ringing EXTREMLY true and think it has alot to do with my attitude and ways this past few years......and how I FEEL about myself......cuz of the change. I don't have CH but.....pain is pain when it is consistant. I've went off on several people the past two years here at home......(they deserved it tho dam it) But this mite explainmy shorter fuse or tolerance of total CRAP. I can relate to alot you said also Carl with your other pain issues. People seem to think yer jus neurotic when ya mention pain alot and there is the NEED to talk about it......depends on who it is and if they have a clue what yer talkin bout but I am finding out it best to shut up about it.......but......I'm runnin along the "I'm better off left alone syndrone" now even tho I still do alot. I am more WIERD. Is it or sin't it jus me Pam Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by EBaby on Nov 28th, 2004, 7:28pm Very good and so very true! |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Jeepgun on Nov 29th, 2004, 12:43pm Great article. As I've said before: I am an ordinary person who sometimes deals with extraordinary pain. I refuse to allow that pain to control me or define who I am. The more I can marginalize it and the less impact it has on my family and quality of life, the better. Each day, I do my very best to put things into that frame of reference. Thank you, Svenn and Chris. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by nani on Nov 29th, 2004, 12:58pm I wish I could do the same, Frank. I try, but when you're getting hit day after day for days, weeks, months on end... you can't help but be different for it. I know that I don't get hit as hard, but I wonder if 362 days of numerous k-5's is better or worse than 30 days of numerous k 10's. Not too mention chronics who always get hit hard... :-/ I can't help the fact that I'm one of the people in the article, but I sure know I'm gonna try like hell not to make CH our "family" illness. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Jeepgun on Nov 29th, 2004, 1:03pm I understand, Nani. I really don't know how chronics deal with it. If I were chronic, that would certainly change my outlook on it. (I'd probably play hopscotch off the roof of a 42-story building, now that I think about it...) :'( Hugggggs & PFDAN's to you. |
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Title: Re: From Svenn... Pain and Family Relationships Post by Svenn on Dec 1st, 2004, 10:09am Bumping this because i really think this article is something we all can benefit from Svenn |
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