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        New Message Board Archives >> 2004 Posts >> The Beast Wins One
        
(Message started by: Gator on Sep 28^th, 2004, 9:10pm)

Title: The Beast Wins One
Post by Gator on Sep 28^th, 2004, 9:10pm

After reading Alley's post about his doc's friend committing suicide, it should be very clear just how real the term "Suicide Headache" is.

I was led to write this after reading what Alley wrote, but was hesitant about posting it. No, I'm not planning on checking out, but I would be lieing if I said I hadn't considered it very strongly in the last week. For those of you who hadn't noticed, last night was the first time I had posted since the 16th. I did lurk some, but I was too far gone to participate. It was really Sadwife's post that snapped me out of it. I just couldn't ignore her plea for help. I guess nothing can slap a clusterhead back to reality like another clusterhead's suffering.

I don't expect anyone to like this, but I post it just the same as a reminder of the frail thin line we walk every day.

Goodbye (The Beast Wins One)

Too many nights have come and gone
Since last I closed my eyes
And dreamed in peaceful slumber
Of easy days gone by

The people whom I love the most
Don't understand my plight
Though they hear me scream in misery
And watch me fight the fight

Life's too hard to carry on
The Beast my constant friend
I can no longer face the pain
The torment I must end

When you read this letter dear
Please know it wasn't you
Who made me choose the easy way
There was nothing else I could do

I hope you never feel this pain
Nor any of our kids
I pray they never choose the out
That their tired old father did

So tonight with gun in hand
I'll give into the voice
That tells me life's not mine to live
I just don't have a choice

God forgive me!

9-28-04

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Redd715 on Sep 28^th, 2004, 9:17pm

OMG

How many times I thought those same things

May I save this to disk please?

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by BlueMeanie on Sep 28^th, 2004, 9:19pm

Hey Gator,

You know as well as anyone here. THE BEAST NEVER WINS !!!!!!!

Hang tough my friend. :P

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by broomhilda on Sep 28^th, 2004, 9:22pm

Gator, I had noticed you had been absent :'(

[smiley=hug.gif]Welcome home, hope you always try to remember the people here care and understand and will always be there for you...

Glad you are here, hugs

Andrea

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by alleyoop on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:02pm

Gator, your post touched me more than words can relate. I too, have straddled that fence. At least to me, it's not the immediate pain(as bad as that can be) that gets me to that point. It's the day in day out, week after week, month after month, year after year that wears me down.

I too, have cried out to God or whatever higher power is out there, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" I really don't know what has kept me going. Maybe it's fear of pulling that trigger. Maybe it's wondering and worrying what my wife and kids will think and what it will do to them. I've always been extremely competitive. Maybe I just can't stand the thought of admitting defeat. I really think it's just plain stubborness. I just refuse to give in. Since finding this site and getting pro-active in my fight against this disease a couple of years ago, I have enjoyed more PF time than since I first started getting these HA's. I keep winning more and more battles. I am actually at the point now where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to win this war or go down trying!

Gator, don't for a minute think that you weren't missed. I, for one, missed your posting. I have always eagerly read your posts. You have a way of putting thoughts and feelings into words that is truely a joy to read. Hey man, I hope you will PM me so we can at least swap email addys and phone #'s. If you don't, I will. Hang tough! This too shall pass.

.........................alley

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by vig on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:04pm

and yet we're all still here.
Fight one more round...
DON'T GIVE IN!
welcome back Gator.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by don on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:08pm

I went "guest" here for awhile because I was tired of the drama and bullshit not even remotely connected to CH.

Quote:

I guess nothing can slap a clusterhead back to reality like another clusterhead's suffering.

I kept readin the Clusterhead specific and medications boards. I realized I had some potential solutions to some suffers' delemnas and had to log back in.

I'm still sick and tired of the drama and bullshit but thats better than denying a fellow suuferer some potential relief.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Sean_C on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:20pm

For any of us that have thought it, or attempted it, please reconsider for the rest of us. Suicide is not final by any means. The rest of us have to live with it over and over and over agian. It never ever goes away. I think of one friend who died some 20 years ago at least once a week, and the other who died a few years back daily, some times for long stretches of the day, I just can't shake it off. He left twin boys age six, and many others with many questions for life.

Gator if you ever, or anyonelse feels this way, you better tell me and I'll bring you back home. We never give up, we will never ever be defeated.

Sean..........................

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by OneEyeBlind on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:30pm

And hense ..... the support continues. It's why I guess, even though out of cycle, I still cling to this group. Yes, Don, there might be drama, but in the end ....... we all understand the suffering.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by don on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:33pm

Quote:

we all understand the suffering

Thats the common thread that can never be denied.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by E-Double on Sep 28^th, 2004, 10:35pm

on 09/28/04 at 22:20:03, Sean_C wrote:

Been there myself. I was one of a group to find one of our fraternity brothers dead in our living room...shotgun. enuff said.

I will forever be there for anyone who needs a shoulder or an ear.....

Love ya all!

Eric

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Gator on Sep 28^th, 2004, 11:20pm

on 09/28/04 at 21:19:43, BlueMeanie wrote:

Hey Gator,

You know as well as anyone here. THE BEAST NEVER WINS !!!!!!!

Hang tough my friend. :P

Tell that to Alley's doc. No matter what we say here, the ba$tard does win one now and then. That's why this website and OUCH is so important.

As for me. I've been on the ropes a few times, but I'm still standing. In the mean time, I'll do what I can to help others.

Hanging tough once again.

Gator

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by sadwife on Sep 28^th, 2004, 11:32pm

:-[
You obviously haven't had a chance to read my thank you, do you know how great you are in spite of your suffering? You were about the 3rd person who reached out to me in my time of need, and you helped me to help him and myself. If you were to every read the story of Job, you would see he suffered tremendously, but helped many along the way. I know now for sure you must be another angel that has been sent my way. Stay strong, never give up, and most importantly reach out to those you touch every day. I don't know if you have a wife and children but I can only imagine the blessing you are day to day. Stay strong Gator!

With you in my prayers,
Sadwife

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Bec on Sep 28^th, 2004, 11:56pm

((( Gator ))))

I am glad your back, you were missed.

About your poem :'( :'( :'( :'(
It said everything I think we have all felt one time or another.
Hugs
bec

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Kevin_M on Sep 29^th, 2004, 12:00am

Gator,

you were definitely missed,
welcome back.

Kevin M

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Charlie on Sep 29^th, 2004, 12:04am

Glad to have you to around too.

Like just about everyone, I thought of if but only once.

I still have some people I want to piss off.

Charlie

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Jimi on Sep 29^th, 2004, 12:10am

And Gator............one final thing.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.........GIVE UP.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by BlueMeanie on Sep 29^th, 2004, 12:39am

on 09/28/04 at 23:20:57, Gator wrote:

The Beast didn't win; those unfortunate people gave in. Your right though, that's why this site is so important to us all. Glad to see your back.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Jeepgun on Sep 29^th, 2004, 8:46am

I never thought I would share this, but WTF.. Here goes:

The last cycle I had before finding ch.com, my wife and daughter had gone shopping. I put my .357 on the passenger seat and a box of ammo in the glove compartment. I drove up to the top of a mountain that we have here. I looked out over the valley for a long time. I got hit. God, it was fucking awful!! One of the worst I've ever had... When the pain finally subsided, I got the gun, cocked the hammer back, put the barrel in my mouth, and pulled the trigger. I did this over and over again. At some point, I began thinking of what it would be like for people to find my body, and the faces of my wife and daughter... I broke down and started sobbing...

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by E-Double on Sep 29^th, 2004, 9:03am

on 09/29/04 at 08:46:54, Jeepgun wrote:

Everyone!!!

Always remember that we are some of the STRONGEST of people.

It took strength NOT to do it.
I recall getting slammed not too long ago while driving on the Long Island Expressway... Pulled over to the shoulder and ran around to my trunk to get my O2 tank and thought/flashed how easy it would be to step in front of the cars going 80mph that were speeding not 2ft. away. I then thought of my future or what is to be my future.... Fuck my own pain!!! Could not cause such pain to my bride to be.

Another selfish act.... I did not want to cause anyone else pain.

Brothers and sisters, the thing is that we are truly not in this alone despite how we feel. Unless a true hermit/reckloose living in a vacuum there are people whose lives we all touch.

Pain is relative and this thing we have is what it is!

Hurtin' but strong.

E.

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Ruth on Sep 29^th, 2004, 9:23am

Great post, we are all fragile and these headaches bring us down to a level where we would never want to be. God only knows what keeps us going and hanging on through these rotten times. I think he gives us strength through are fellowship.
God Bless you all and give us strength to endure.
Ruth

Title: Re: The Beast Wins One
Post by Jeepgun on Sep 29^th, 2004, 11:42am

Thank you, EE.

Damn.... I'm a real crybaby today. Must be some dust or pollen being blown around in the wind or something...

-Frank