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Title: Husband doesn't get it Post by EmpressJMB on Sep 26th, 2004, 8:40am I have only been on this board for 2 weeks. The only message board I've ever been on. It is addictive though. The first thing I do when I get up is come and read the messages. I was here early this a.m. My husband came in shortly after me this morning and asked me if I was trying to hook up with someone so we can go off and have headaches together. [smiley=huh.gif] This is not normal behavior for him. Jealous of a computer message board? We have been together 21 years. All of which I have had CH. In fact, I had a CH the first date we had. "I get these headaches you see..." Lo and behold he stuck with me. He is a great guy, really easygoing and supportive. When I have a CH he leaves me alone (the way I like it) and just checks on me every now and then. This attitude this morning really freaked me out. I finally found people who know and understand my pain and he gets upset. Not very supportive. I was reading the supporter's board this a.m. and think he could get something from it but he isn't computer saavy. I doubt he'll go there if I suggest it. What to do, what to do? Thanks for letting me purge. [smiley=hurl.gif] (I was dieing to use that one!) I was also wondering why alley thinks people didn't read all the way through "saddest cluster day's" string? I read it through again and didn't think I misunderstood. PFDAN to all! Janet |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by karma on Sep 26th, 2004, 9:16am Hi Janet, Think about it. You guys have been together for 21 years and in all those years your husband has helped you with CH by doing the only thing he knows how and that is to leave you alone. Now you have found others, that you may never meet, who suddenly seem to be replacing him as your main support. You have let this board become more important (in his eyes) than the love and support he has given you for the last 21 years. Its not jealousy, its love and a fear of becoming lees important to you. Talk to him, tell him you love him, show him you love him. This board and the people here are great but it does not replace the support that you have depended on for the last 21 years. You already know that but you need to explain it to your husband. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by yikes_another_one on Sep 26th, 2004, 10:23am ::) Does your hubby golf? Then enough said.... lol He does understand that you are not joined at the hip, instead, you are joined at the heart, right? As a human, we come into the world alone, and usually suffer alone, and we will exit the Earth alone.... SO why can't you read a book alone, watch a movie alone, or investigate a website. I'm sure he nevers goes out drinking with his bad boys alone, Never goes to the hardware store ALONE Never fixes or repair things ALONE God made us team-mates.... so we can support and cheer each other on He did not create Siamese Twins.... where we cannot have an individual thought or feeling...... (my mom's long time boyfriend never liked to talk or have conversations ....until she got to a good place in her novel. Then he wanted to have heart to hearts or tell jokes he remembered form work.... discuss politics.... She'd dive into a paragraph, and he'd start telling her important stuff, and she'd get a book mark to settle in for a talk...but as she closed the book, he'd run out of things to say and fall silent. So she'd open her book, and re-read the first line....then he'd remember more to share. AFter 5 or 10 minutes of trying to read the book, she'd sigh and set it on the coffee table. By then a new sport show would be on, and he'd get involved in it. She'd get up and clean or something.... and then sit back down to read. After the first line.........) She went through that for a few months, wondering why he was so oblivious to her intentions... why he only felt the need to talk when she had a book open.... She realized he didn't want her to watch him while he talked.... On one of their first dates, he had lettuce stuck in a tooth... and after all this time, he was still nervous about his teeth....... So she'd sit and pretend to watch the sports show, and he'd talk himself out....then she'd reach for her book, and he never disturb her after that. It was as if, he was too preoccupied to even realize he was doing that. Of course my mother in law had it worse. Her hubby changed the TV channels while she was watching programs. Because he wasn't interested in what she was watching. And they owned 3 different TV's. He'd settle in whatever room she was in, but get bored and change the channel in the middle of movies, or cooking shows....whatever. IT made her so made she started taping anythign she wanted to watch, and pretending to watch them half heartedly until he changed the channel. That way she could let it go, without a fight....and still see the rest of the show. ;;D TJ |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by floridian on Sep 26th, 2004, 11:35am Well I sure don't want to have headaches with you! I don't want to have headaches at all. But I spend time online to learn more about cluster headaches - doing research, learning about what helps others, giving moral support. Sometimes making small chat or talking politics. But generally here for a reason. Even if you have episodic cluster headaches, you have metabolic abnormalities year round. This disease is more than just a headache. Some people come here only around when they are having pain - that's their choice. But it makes sense to keep learning and stay active. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by nani on Sep 26th, 2004, 11:42am I find most people are suspicious of any internet boards and chat rooms. My husband teases me about the same thing. Invite him here- let him read our stuff and the supporters stuff. Once he sees it all - I'm pretty sure his doubts will disappear. [smiley=hug.gif] Hugs and PFDAN to you. |
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Title: Husband DOES get it Post by Mr. Happy on Sep 26th, 2004, 12:17pm Quote:
Karma put it a lot kinder and gentler than I could. Twenty plus years of unquestioning support being thrown out the window for an addiction to a message board (The Green One, as my future Ex calls it.) You're not the first one this has happened to. Hubby is NOT completely off his nut, tho. There's been more than one instance of someone joining this board and running off with a CHead to share their trex stash, for better or worse, blah blah blah. Don't be hard on him.........instead, question YOUR self. The whole idea of this place, of OUCH, of Clusterbusters, is to be a Resource center, a place to find the information you need to better control your clusters so you can dive back into your life.....with Gusto. Are you here for answers, or are you getting sucked into the black hole of CH24/7/365.com? Only you can answer that question. Me........I came here, got the info I needed, and went back to life with wife and kids. I don't need this place, I don't like this place, and most of the people that post here are a bunch of damned wackos. It took me a grand total of 7 days to find the info I needed for Coping with Clusters, after which there was absolutely no reason at all to come back here. None. That was two years ago. Make sure to visit the board daily, but don't live on it. Assure your husband that this place is perfectly safe. It's not a den of iniquity. It's here to make your lives better in the long AND the short run. The next time I'm in Buffalo, let's do lunch. If at all possible, bring your hubby along. I'll nail him, too......... RJ |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Jonny on Sep 26th, 2004, 12:25pm What to do? Tell him to get on the puter and meet your new suffering friends or STFU! .....................................jonny |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Opus on Sep 26th, 2004, 3:04pm Janet, Tell Him there is a place on this board just for him, i'ts full of woman and you approve, then set his home page to the supporters corner. Unfortunatly CH hurts everyone, He can either help or hurt, his choice. This is why I feel that it is ok for peaple to leave when in remission, and then come back when they are hurting. CHers need to make up for lost time from the cycle. Of course I am always in cycle and don't have a life outside of my CH friends so you will find me here. Opus/Paul |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Edna on Sep 26th, 2004, 5:39pm Janet, I have the solution for you. All you have to do is show your hubby a picture of "ole" Charlie, tell him he's the hunk of this place......and viola'.......problem solved. Hehehehehehehehehe (Charlie, I love you) Seriously though, I can understand where you're coming from. My husband too would never come here to find out what I love about this place. He couldn't even turn on a computer. He'd "hear" about my new friends. Then, when I met a few other cluster heads in person and invited him to tag along.....he was utterly AMAZED. Since then, he's found a new understanding of why I love this place. Many other supporters have experienced the same thing. It's not just you. If he's been your strong hold for all these years, PULEEZ, don't pull away from him now. Sit and talk to him, and give it time. Meanwhile, we're here for you if you need to vent. Wishing you pf moments, and success with your supporter in understanding what we do for you here. hugs, EDNA |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Charlie on Sep 26th, 2004, 6:43pm Ole Charlie here. Dying to post before his Alzheimers gets too much in the way. Your clusterhead friends would pay big money if they never had reason to meet you here. Sounds like a decent sort to me anyway. Old Charlie http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/hussein.png Charlie |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by thebbz on Sep 26th, 2004, 8:58pm OOP Gottta go, the woman is getting restless.LMOL :-* It can become addicting you know , relating to someone who understands. BB ;;D ;;D |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Sean_C on Sep 26th, 2004, 9:19pm We're all family here Janet, no need for him to be jealous. All that tells me is that you still have it ;;D PFDAN to you Sean...................... |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Ree on Sep 26th, 2004, 10:29pm and if he is a jerk... there actually have been a few relationships started here........... sooooooooooooo... Ree (hoping not to get the husband started again but lets be honest there are alot of lonely sufferers here) |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Sean_C on Sep 26th, 2004, 11:39pm Geez ree, that should help calm him down::) Sean.................... |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by fubar on Sep 27th, 2004, 1:49am I agree, let him check this place out. I can understand the attitude even if it's not the way I would react. He has been your support for over 20 years. It's something very intimate to share with a person. My girlfriend saw an attack for the first time last night and I can't even begin to describe the feelings I went through when forced to share that hour and a half of hell with her. Your husband is now (like it or not, from his point of view) sharing a piece of you that was a private and intimate part of your lives. You should encourage him to read here since he will soon find he has a lot of company. This board is for sufferers *and* supporters. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by RevDeFord on Sep 27th, 2004, 7:41am Couple of things............ First, we are not an exclusive club and he can come on and get to know us just like anyone else. 2nd, it would be very rare for someone to "hookup" over a message board, especially since we know you are married. 3rd, if he takes one look at our ugly mugs on the picture page, he will see that even finding someone who doesn't look like they got hit in the face with a base ball bat is difficult. Ok, that is a bit too far, but you get the point. Noone here is here to "hookup" with a love interest. We are here to be a support to each other for a type of headache that has been called a suicide headache. We are here when the doctors aren't. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by BarbaraD on Sep 27th, 2004, 7:43am E, Listen to Edna. Her Danny sat with his mouth opened the first time he actually MET some of us Clusterheads. Since then he's been "one of us" and a really neat guy (with nice buns I might add). You might try telling him stories about this one or that one (the funny ones and make him laugh at us), then what this one or that one is trying to help their headaches. That might get him interested in the site. You didn't say where you live, but there's probably a clusterhead close to you somewhere. Set up a dinner with them. Take him to meet another one of us. This usually breaks the ice once and for all. After they meet another clusterhead they're usually sold. good luck. Hugs BD |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Ree on Sep 27th, 2004, 7:51am How long have you been here Rev?????????? We could start a message board on relationship problems alone here. ! First... Ya start having problems because your spouse doesn't understand, then someone who can relate to your pain, starts saying "there there", it starts sounding good and BAM!!! There is alot of flirting and stuff going on here. OK I'll be quiet now................ Truly let your hubby come to the supporters section... there is alot of support there for him where he can vent his anguish about all of this. Frankly he isn' t the only person that feels threatened by the internet. It happens all over the world. Share with him the ideas and stories that you read here and make him feel part of it all. If you really love him he shouldnt have anything to worry about. Good luck to you... Ree |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by EmpressJMB on Sep 27th, 2004, 9:55am You guys are too funny! [smiley=laugh.gif] Thanks for all the responses! I think your right about him being my sole support for all these years, and feeling left out. We 're in it for the long haul...I was just SO surprised by his reaction that I didn't know what to think. He's not normally jealous. He KNOWS I'm a flirt and it's never bothered him. However, that's not why I'm here. First and foremost for info and next for support. I've NEVER met anyone else with CHA's and it's fascinating to me that we all suffer so similarily. Also, I think Nani was right, he is suspicous of internet boards and chat rooms. There so much bad stuff out there. I love people so all this is very interesting to me. However, I don't really have time to be "addicted" and spend as much time as I would like. I will continue to encourage him to check out the supporter's board. If he get's curious enough, he just might. Hey everyone, your personalities are shining through! ;;D I detect only a few "damned wackos" Mr. Happy. Just a collective of people with the same problem. Besides, CH is enough to keep anyone on the edge. I have to go to work now. Thanks Again! Janet |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by RevDeFord on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:20am Ree, I had no idea.......I am not that involved with the day to day, um, shall we say operations of the message board. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by TomM on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:21am Janet--Welcome to the madhouse. Many have said it before me...have your husband join in the jocularity. TomM |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Ree on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:23am on 09/27/04 at 10:20:26, RevDeFord wrote:
I'm just pickin on you Rev... lol... stick around, You won't have to watch tv anymore.......... Janet good luck to you here and welcome........ love to you and your family Ree |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by alleyoop on Sep 27th, 2004, 10:49am on 09/27/04 at 07:51:15, Ree wrote:
there there Ree........ ..........................alley ;;D edit: Check your PMs Janet. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Kirk on Sep 27th, 2004, 1:50pm If you figure out the ratio of people who got "hooked up" on this board as compared to how many are on it........... I'm not taking any of you guys fishing [smiley=smokin.gif] |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Ree on Sep 27th, 2004, 2:08pm on 09/27/04 at 10:49:52, alleyoop wrote:
BAM told ya............. ree |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by echo on Sep 27th, 2004, 2:35pm on 09/27/04 at 09:55:00, EmpressJMB wrote:
Well you called that one right. edited to correct quote. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by BlueMeanie on Sep 27th, 2004, 2:59pm Hi Janet. You should try to get him here as everyone else said. It took me awhile until finally I got my better half to read some posts in the guest book. When she read sooo many posts from people thinking of suicide and just downright sad stories of how this sight gave them a new prospective of having CH's, she gave in and doesn't worry about me being here. Just being able to finally find someone else out there in the world that lives this torment should be enough. Of course the med info is just as valuable and worth reading. You may just find something that helps. |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Sep 27th, 2004, 4:42pm on 09/26/04 at 11:42:17, nani wrote:
If my wife knew I read this message board regurlarly or posted/replied/I.Md/etc..., she would be convinced that I am having an on line affair and that I'm planning on leaving her. She thinks that I just visit and read occasionally. This is NOT an exaggeration. I've already been through countless episodes of this kind of stuff. So...Anyone here who asks for a home number or address or to meet up somewhere........please be a little understanding when I avoid that. I'm not trying to be rude or distant. Janet... I hope that you can get your husband to understand that the people here are a Godsend to CH sufferers. Pat |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Ree on Sep 27th, 2004, 6:48pm Hey Pat "What are you wearing" wink wink LOL I hear ya.......................tell her your checking the weather........... love to you buddy ree |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Kris_in_SJ on Sep 27th, 2004, 8:59pm Hi Janet, To my way of thinking, Karma truly has "karma" She probably said it best. The fact is, most of us women (though we all deny it) read those horrible "Dear .... " things in the paper, where wives want to know how to handle their husbands' sudden interest in the Internet and why there's suddenly porn saved in a special folder, inside the special folder, in his folder, under his login, on the hard drive. You're husband is just showing a natural jealousy for something that's become very important to you - as it has for many of us - the support of those who are exactly where you are. I've asked my hubby of 28 years to come here - to read the posts - not only on the support board - but the ones I've posted or responded to, also. I don't know if he has, but since I've started asking, he has not begrudged me one moment of time that I've been here. Of course, I also assure him daily that I couldn't live without him (which is entirely true). Kris |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Jimmy_B on Sep 27th, 2004, 9:23pm This isn't the Cluster-Headache sexual catch-&-release Board....My Bad.... ;) BTW---I know exactly how you feel empress...there...there. Jimmy |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Tiannia on Sep 27th, 2004, 11:17pm on 09/26/04 at 12:25:45, Jonny wrote:
This is really good advice. I've been here for almost a full year now and there have been plently of times that ubby has been jealous or upset cause I come here a lot. I have cut back on that time, work mainly was the reason, but still am not as obsessed with the boards as I used to be. Elains hubby explained it the best to me in a PM. I'll forward it to you as it really really helped to see it from his side. Shaun will not come here, no matter what. He does read over my shoulder when he is on the computer next to me. But he understand that this place give the the extra strength to get up everyday and fight the HA. And win that fight each time. I hae met great friends and that connection that I get by meeting another clusterhead, is amazing. But for a female cluster, there is added confusion on your marriage as your hubby cant fix it. No matter what that is what they want to do. They cant help each themselves, it is just part of thier nature. Let your husbad know that he is welcome here and just saying htat takes a lot of the mystery away from the boards. PF wishes Janet. -Tia |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by karma on Sep 28th, 2004, 7:23am Hmmmmmm. Maybe I should start wearing a dress. Naaaaaahhhh. The plumbings to hard to hide ;) |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by TomM on Sep 28th, 2004, 9:18am on 09/27/04 at 21:23:17, Jimmy_B wrote:
Since when?? |
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Title: Re: Husband doesn't get it Post by Jeepgun on Sep 28th, 2004, 9:35am I think it's tougher for men to be supporters. It's in our genetic makeup to be problem-solvers, especially where our families/loved ones are concerned. When our spouse or child is in pain and there's nothing that can be done about it, it's frustrating and frustration quickly turns to anger. Unfortunately, that frustration and anger gets vented on the closest, most convenient target sometimes, and the fact that you are coming here may be also causing your husband to be experiencing some feelings of inadequacy, and thus, jealousy. Just be sure to keep him "in the loop," and continue to let him know that he is your best, top, closest, most beloved, and most valued supporter, and I'll bet everything will work out just fine. My two centavos' worth..... -Frank |
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