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        New Message Board Archives >> 2004 Posts >> Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
        
(Message started by: Tiannia on Sep 17^th, 2004, 6:58pm)

Title: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Tiannia on Sep 17^th, 2004, 6:58pm

After all that has been going on the last couple of days, we all could use a good laugh... ENJOY!!!!!!!
-Tia

Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing, curiosity is not a wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes...............

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny li'l ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Tiannia on Sep 17^th, 2004, 6:58pm

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my b-lls? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Cerberus on Sep 17^th, 2004, 7:34pm

This tops only the one I heard from the guy who was searching for the short in his English mastiff's "invisible" fence...
Hey Jim...put this collar on and go find the break in the wire...true story, I know the idiot who did it.

hehe
Ramon

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by brain_cramps on Sep 17^th, 2004, 7:40pm

on 09/17/04 at 19:34:03, Cerberus wrote:

[smiley=JAW_DROP.gif]

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Ronny on Sep 17^th, 2004, 7:45pm

hey

Eehehe , thats was one the funniest storys i ever heard, wy wife just called " What are u laughing about "

Good one.

Ronny.

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by BarbaraD on Sep 17^th, 2004, 7:52pm

LMAO

What can I say --- Boys will be boys.....

You never did say... How did your lovely wife LIKE her anniversary present? :)

Hugs BD

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by alleyoop on Sep 17^th, 2004, 9:31pm

Did that guy, by any chance, drive a jeep? ;;D

.................................alley

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Tiannia on Sep 17^th, 2004, 11:57pm

on 09/17/04 at 21:31:54, alleyoop wrote:

Did that guy, by any chance, drive a jeep? ;;D

.................................alley

sitting back for when Frank reads this post.

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by echo on Sep 18^th, 2004, 12:01am

We were poor. My mother asked me one Christmas if I wanted clothes or a toy for a gift. Being young I chose the toy. Christmas moring I opened my gift to find a pair of blue jeans with the bottoms of the front pockets cut out. My mother gave me both presents. A toy to play with and clothes.

She is, and always will be, an amazing woman.

edit: spelling corrections.
1. because I'm an idiot
2. because I'm three sheets to the wind.

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Jonny on Sep 18^th, 2004, 12:08am

on 09/18/04 at 00:01:01, echo wrote:

2. because I'm three sheets to the wind.

ROCK-N-ROOOLLLLL!!!!! [smiley=headbanger.gif]

Title: Re: Men and thier Toys (we all need a laugh...)
Post by Jeepgun on Sep 18^th, 2004, 12:20am

LOL! Hilarious... [smiley=laugh.gif] Chances are, the poor fella drove a Jeep. (Damn, why does this sound like something I would do? LOL)

-Frank (Who doesn't own a pair of reading glasses, and who has no jeans with the pockets cut out of!) :o ;;D [smiley=laugh.gif]