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New Message Board Archives >> 2004 Posts >> A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
(Message started by: Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:27am)

Title: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:27am
If you are easily offeneded, please don't read anymore.

This is a true story and it happened to me about 4 years ago. I have only told a handfull of people the tale, but I thought we could all use a good laugh around here, so here goes.

This story comes in 2 parts.

Part 1

A few years ago I had read on the board that the use of Capsapian cream or the cream that sportsmen use for injuries, would help a clusterheadache. I read that if you applied the cream to the side of the headache it would help the pain.
I ran out and and bought a tube.
A couple of days later I had the chance to test it out. The beast awoke in my head. I opened up the tube and smeared some of the cream to my temple, forehead and jaw area. I got back into bed and waitied for the magic to happen.
Oh my god, it made it worse if that is possible. In my pain, I used my hand to get the excess cream off my face and I wiped it on the bed sheet on the side of my bed. I kept wiping and wiping.
I ran into the shower to rinse it off, then danced with the beast for the duration.
End of part one.

Side note. Sometimes in the throes of pain, I forget what I have done.

Part2

(5 days later)

I was getting ready for bed and I felt a little...errr.......tense shall we say.
Being a chronically single woman, I need help to eerrr....de-stress.
So I went to find my "big man in a drawer"
I found him. Got into bed. I looked closely at "him" and it had a little feather on the end of it. (My down comforter is a pain). Well I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed again, so I wiped the feather off on the side of my bed sheet.
So I began to ...errrrr...destress myself.
This unfamiliar sensation began to take over my nether regions. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
My Lucy was on FIRE!!!!!!!!
I jumped out of bed as fast as I could, clambered into the shower, turned the cold water, grabbed the shower head and tried to calm the raging flames that were taking over my woomanhood.
Later, I was in my living room trying to figure out what in the hell had just happened. I called my best friend and told her the story in a shakey voice.
"Karen, someone sabotaged my dildo...whaaaaaaaaaa"
"I think someone must have dipped it in hot sauce whaaaaaaa"
"I'm coming over" she said.
Karen arrived at my house 20 minutes later with a ziplock bag and some cold yogurt.
We figured it must have been the maintenance men.
"I'm calling the cops in the morning" said Karen
She ordered me to put the offending object into the ziplock bag. "They might be able to fingerprint it"
The next morning Karen called me and reported she had indeed called the cop shop and asked if  it was possible for a vibrator to be fingerprinted.
I think they thought it was a prank call.

Well a few days went by, I had already got a lock put on my bedroom door, and Karen still had my "man" in a bag.
I was relaxing watching TV when all of a sudden it dawned on me what I had done. "Oh Shit"
I called Karen and told her, and we laughed till we cried.
My Lucy has never really been the same ;;D


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jeepgun on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:33am
OMFG!! THAT is hilarious!!! I've got one to rival that story, Jayne!

I was being "destressed" by hand, and it felt wonderful. Just as I was "going critical," the PHYSOD (Purple-Headed Yogurt-Slinger Of Doom) felt like it was on FIRE!! I've never had anything hurt so bad and feel so good all at the same time. As I was catching my breath, the pain got worse and worse. Finally, I grabbed the container out of her hand and looked at the ingredients: "Active Ingredient: Capsciacin"

Holy mother of god... I washed as much of it off as I could, and promptly treated the PHYSOD with some nice cool Aloe gel...  [smiley=eek.gif]  [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ckelly181 on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:35am

on 07/28/04 at 11:27:42, Jayne wrote:
Karen arrived at my house 20 minutes later with a ziplock bag and some cold yogurt.


OMG that is so funny...as a single gal, I can relate to the
'bob the destresser" story...

...but WTF was the YOGURT for????

Chris

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by echo on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:37am
Great story.  I can well imagine that the cops thought it was a prank call.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:39am

on 07/28/04 at 11:35:57, ckelly181 wrote:
OMG that is so funny...as a single gal, I can relate to the
'bob the destresser" story...

...but WTF was the YOGURT for????

Chris


Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by echo on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:44am

on 07/28/04 at 11:39:24, Jayne wrote:
Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"


I'm going to buy a gallon and dump it over my wifes head.  Hopefully it will mellow her ass down alittle bit.  You did say works for calming your girl - right?

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Rock_Lobster on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:49am
Ahh Jayne... you always bring out the inner child in me.
My inner child is a furious masturbator.  [smiley=thumb.gif]

Jasus edwarsii

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Giovanni on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:55am
Jayne,

You're a riot!!

John

[smiley=JAW_DROP.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ckelly181 on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:56am

on 07/28/04 at 11:39:24, Jayne wrote:
Natural yogurt is very good for calming and cooling your "girl"


LOL - how do people learn about these things?

Uh, maybe I don't want to know... :o

Chris

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Melissa on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:58am
ok, i am going to have nightmares....

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by thomas on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:02pm

on 07/28/04 at 11:27:42, Jayne wrote:
This story comes in 2 parts.

hehehehe  [smiley=laugh.gif]  Sorry that happened to ya Jayne.  But, thanks for sharing.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Peppermint on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:11pm
[smiley=JAW_DROP.gif] >:(

"Ta whom it may kunsern..."









[smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Linda_Howell on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:12pm



This story proves 2 things to me:

1.  That Jayne can make me laugh uncontrollably.

2. That one should change their sheets more often than every 5 days.

Linda

     

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:15pm

on 07/28/04 at 12:12:23, Linda_Howell wrote:
2. That one should change their sheets more often than every 5 days.

Linda

     


Or change their Vibbey every 4 days  ;;D

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:24pm
Jayne...

Thanks for making me piss my pants at work!!! I guess I'll have to stay close to my desk now.

This is by far one of the funniest stories I have ever read.

I have some good embarrasing stories about myself that I will eventually share.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ShariRae on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:41pm
OMG... That is toooooo funny...I too just peed my pants at work..dang!! LOL
My Battery
    Operated
    Boyfriend is one of my most special friends as well :)
ummm that was prolly TMI.. sorry lol
Huggs and (dare I say it) VIBES
to all
Shari

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by BlueMeanie on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:49pm
LMAO. You are just too funny.  ::)

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Rock_Lobster on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:52pm

on 07/28/04 at 12:41:49, ShariRae wrote:
My Battery Operated
    Boyfriend is one of my most special friends as well :)


She never said it was battery operated.
http://www.bluedra.com/Images/GIF/ETC-gif/055.gif

Here is her boyfriend cleaning it off in some concrete.
http://www.unitra.mn/construction/1.jpg

/might not really be her boyfriend

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jeepgun on Jul 28th, 2004, 12:56pm
YIKES!!  [smiley=eek.gif] I've used one of those, doing concrete work... Using one of those in an uh... intimate manner... *shudder*  [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:19pm
errrrr....do they sell those things on ebay do ya know please?
It's not for me,I'm thinking as a gift for my friend Karen.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Luke63 on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:19pm
Hey Jayne...your "little man in the drawer" is referred to,up here as,  a "rubber husband" [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]  And by the way..when ya get around to it...how about that bathtub story some day too!!!!
  Lukey-Poo!!!

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Axel on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:31pm
...Just amazing!! I've not laughed that hard in a looong time!! keep the good work girl...!

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:36pm

on 07/28/04 at 13:19:15, Luke63 wrote:
... bathtub story ?????


It has to be good.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Luke63 on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:41pm
Oh......it is Pat   it is.... ;;D   OOps...it is Pat...right?

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jimmy_B on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:47pm
The pulsating showerhead comes in Three Speeds.
Gentle
Pulsating
& who needs a man. :-X

Jimmy

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Little Deb on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:48pm
Jayne you are too funny.  Did you share that story with Dawna??????????



Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Jul 28th, 2004, 1:52pm

on 07/28/04 at 13:41:48, Luke63 wrote:
Oh......it is Pat   it is.... ;;D   OOps...it is Pat...right?


Yes.. It's Pat

I gotta hear this one about the shower.

I already pissed my pants on the first story so I might as well do it again in the same pair of pants.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by john_d on Jul 28th, 2004, 2:59pm
great story, but it needs some theme music  ;)

http://www.seahaas.com/lucy/luvlucy.wav

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Leesa on Jul 28th, 2004, 2:59pm
ROTFLMMFAOPIMP Jayne thank you for my laugh of the day!!! OMG did I need that.   [smiley=smokin.gif]
Leesa  [smiley=crackup.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Ronny on Jul 28th, 2004, 3:59pm
LoL,

You are really quite something. [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Giovanni on Jul 28th, 2004, 4:17pm
I had tears of laughter coming from my eyes when the boss came in.  I told him he had to read this from my crazy dearest friend.

[smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Linda_Howell on Jul 28th, 2004, 4:52pm

I simply cannot control the laughter that keeps bubbling up inside whenever I think of this story Jayne.

And forever I shall always be known as "stick"

whilst you shall ne known as what?...uh, oh never mind.

Jayne, you contribute here,  as no other love.  You have given out endorphins to so many today.  

I feel another fit of laughing coming on...oh shit. ROTF

Do tell about the shower.  Linda

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Big Dan on Jul 28th, 2004, 5:14pm
http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/confused/1/confused67.gif







-Big Dan

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on Jul 28th, 2004, 5:49pm
Jayne - I wait for the opportunity to meet you!   You have such a descriptive way of telling stories!

I laughed until I choked at work today on this one - now how 'bout that bathtub tale!

Thanks for brightening an otherwise crappy day!

Carol

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by miCHel on Jul 28th, 2004, 5:52pm
I hadn't checked the MB in a while and this is the first post I opened (I wonder why  ;)).

God! This was a funny one!!!  Jayne, we all owe you one.  Maybe we should start a thread with our, excuse me, dumbest moment  :D.  I can only imagine the stories.  Who's first?

miCHel

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Cerberus on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:01pm
;;D...as wonderfully heartwarming as the outpouring of feelings are in this particular thread...somehow I am not behooved to share.... :-X :-X ;;D

Jayne's "Steely Dan" LMMFAOROTFL....[smiley=crackup.gif]

Ramon


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Linda_Howell on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:12pm

Carol, you have no idea.

If you ever have the honor (honour?) of meeting Jayne in person, you will not only laugh yourself silly,   you will be so totally impressed by her demeanor.

(should that be with an "OU" ?)    You will love her to death.  She is truly an inspiration for one to NOT  go to England.  

Pubs-R-us

Linda


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Tim_Z on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:12pm
Those two stories were too funny. I have one about bubblgum. Sorry I'm still laughing, maybe later

Tim

I'm so glad I found this slightly twisted board, I'm feeling quite normal now. [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Linda_Howell on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:18pm


If you are normal then step away from this board.

(hypothalmus gland not withstanding)  You are so welcome here.

As a matter of fact I am considered a Twisted sister by a few, so looks like you'll fit in here just fine.

Linda


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by vig on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:45pm
Rated R? This one's NC-17 all the way!
Hide the kids!

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by john_d on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:55pm

on 07/28/04 at 17:14:01, Big Dan wrote:
http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/confused/1/confused67.gif







-Big Dan


LOL big D

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Big Dan on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:57pm

on 07/28/04 at 18:01:10, Cerberus wrote:
Jayne's "Steely Dan" LMMFAOROTFL....[smiley=crackup.gif]

Ramon




HEY!... I had NOTHING to do with this....

... besides... if I did, I'd have said something sooner.



-Big Steely

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by CarrieBethRN on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:57pm
[smiley=crackup.gif]

....And there goes more of my innocent, naive self down the drain!!!  LMAO


Luv you Jayne!!

Carrie :)

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 6:59pm
well the bathtub story is not as funny as this one....but I will only tell it if I get permission to do so.
Lemme go ask. ;;D

Linda my love, if you are "stick" I am loooo hoooo hoooooooo ser. [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by john_d on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:11pm

on 07/28/04 at 18:59:38, Jayne wrote:
well the bathtub story is not as funny as this one....but I will only tell it if I get permission to do so.
Lemme go ask. ;;D

Linda my love, if you are "stick" I am loooo hoooo hoooooooo ser. [smiley=laugh.gif]


I hereby grant you permission to tell all the sordid details of the bathtub story  ;;D

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by alleyoop on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:20pm
OK, I guess I'll contribute too, though that's a hard act to follow. Needless to say, this too, is true.

This took place in '74 or '75, when I was living in Miami. At the time I was living with a hot little Puerto Rican gal, named Terri.

Well "Chinatown" was opening in a theatre near us, so we double dated with another couple and went to the opening. We stopped and had Italian and then went on to the movie. When we got to the theatre, we had to wait outside for a while before they would let us in. When they finally let us in the lobby, we had to wait there until the current showing was over and the theatre was emptied. Well, when they first let us into the lobby, I went and bought a large popcorn and coke.  There were so many people that we were literally packed in there like sardines. So there I am standing there talking to Terri and the couple we doubled with and all the while trying not to spill the coke or popcorn while being jostled from every direction. About this time I felt the lasagna I'd just eaten doing it's number. As I realized what was happening, I contemplated my choices. I finally decided that with that many people around, if I could be quiet enough, I'd probably get away with it. WRONG! I let out a SBD (silent but deadly). All of a sudden Terri looks at me and yells, "OOOOHHH, BOB FARTED!" The next thing I know, in this lobby so packed that you couldn't take a step, everyone has moved back away from me and left me all alone standing there holding my coke and popcorn! If I could have melted into the carpet, I would have!

Anyway, that's it. That's my little true confession. That is the most embarrased I've ever been and ever hope to be!

..................................................alley :-[

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:27pm
that's was a good one Alley...you had me belly laughing over here [smiley=laugh.gif]
;;D ;;D ;;D

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Donna_D. on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:30pm
Go ahead and tell them the story, Jayne!  

Lord knows, YOU EARNED IT!


DD who will be changing her name to ZZ after you post

;)

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by john_d on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:35pm
great story alleypoop, lol

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 28th, 2004, 7:59pm
I have one similar to that Alley.

This was years ago when I lived in London and was attending Drama College.
Well, there was a small annex attatched to the main building. The wonderful thing about this extension was, that it was made of glass. So on a cold day you could go sit in there and feel the warmth of the sun. The room was so small it warmed up lovely.The only thing in this room was a lone piano.
One day I decided to go and have a little practice. I walked in and closed the door behind me.
I sat in there enjoying the solitude and started to play.
My tummy started to rumble strangely. Yes, I needed to "exhale"
"well I'm by myself" I thought.
so....I exhaled.....fffftththth ppfffftththththth.

Lemme tell you, if Nasa could bottle gas to use as rocket fuel, I would have become a wealthy woman that day. It was pungent!!!
"Ohhhhh shit" I said to myself, and whafted my hand rapidly.
I went back to playing the piano, trying to ignore the fact that my nasal hairs were melting.
The next thing I heard the door knob start to turn. I sat bolt upright. "shit, shit, shit shit, oh, no, no, no"
I turned to see the Principle of the college walk in with five representatives of the London school board. (He was showing them around our facility)
I think I looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Ah Jayne Salters" said the principle. "I see your practising, good show"
They walked towards me and started to lean over me to see my music.
They instantly recoiled as if they had been smacked in the face.
"Well, there's a lot more of the school to see ladies and gentlemen" The principle said as he made a dignified bolt for the door. The representatives were hot on his tail.
They closed the door behind them and I sunk my head into my hands and said. " awwww shit"
The principle always looked at me sideways after that.


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by alleyoop on Jul 28th, 2004, 8:12pm
LMAO!!!! [smiley=laugh.gif] I can feel your pain, Jayne!!

............................................................alley [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Redd715 on Jul 28th, 2004, 8:31pm
...Note to self....









KY.....

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Kevin_M on Jul 28th, 2004, 9:11pm
Jayne,

That was a really good one.  
I could just see the look the suits they gave each other when they left the room.[smiley=wtf.gif]



Quote:
I looked like a deer caught in the headlights.[smiley=ops.gif]


[smiley=crackup.gif]   thank you!!    :-*

Kevin M


Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Cerberus on Jul 28th, 2004, 9:15pm
"exhale" [smiley=eek5.gif].......lol:D........LMAO [smiley=laugh.gif]............LMMFAOROTFL! [smiley=crackup.gif]

Ramon

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Charlie on Jul 28th, 2004, 10:48pm
http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/Mondeiu Smiley.gif

Glad you live here Jayne. Hilarious.  :D

http://www.netsync.net/users/charlies/gifs/POPCORN 2.gif

You too Alley  ;;D

This thread is made for our Georgia. "Hello Kitty" anybody?  :o  Some great posts on the old board.

Charlie

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by RevDeFord on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:04pm
I won't tell you about the time I had a concert in which I had a costume which had tights.  I am well endowed and panicked 20 minutes before the concert when I tried them on.  My choreographer suggested that at short notice, all I could do was duck tape it back and I would have to walk gingerly.

The walking was difficult.  The removal still leaves me with severe emotional scars.

Oops, I said I wasn't going to tell you.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Mr. Happy on Jul 28th, 2004, 11:55pm
Not only do you have nice tits, Jayne, but you tell a really good story.....even with that fake fucking English accent you do. And stop sneezing every 30 seconds.
The fart story is a tad mundane.....we've all crepitated in Church........usually with the Skid Mark to prove it.......but.......

the Peppered Prairie Squid Tale catches the judges attention.......you get at 9.9    ................just for being THAT DAMNED UNLUCKY AT LOVE.

Loose Lips Sink Ships,
RJ

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jeepgun on Jul 29th, 2004, 8:54am
ROFLMAO!!! During my wife's pregnancy, people had been saying things about "sympathetic labor," where the husband actually feels his wife's labor pains. I was a tad paranoid about this... Anyway, the appointed day arrived and Mari was esconced in the labor/delivery room. I had to go down the car to pick up something. When I returned and stepped into the elevator, it's fortunate that I was the only one in there, because I was doubled over with the WORST abdominal pain I've ever had in my entire life. I broke out in a cold sweat on my forehead and upper lip and groaned, "Oh sh*t!! Sympathetic labor!!" Just as the elevator crested the floor that the OB ward was on, I "gave birth" to the raunchiest, biggest fart in the history of the human race. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and stepped from the elevator. The doors closed and someone on the first floor punched the call button. I smiled to myself at the thought of the doors opening and that fart leaping out and punching them in the face.
[smiley=headbanger.gif] [smiley=bigtiny.gif] [smiley=finger.gif] [smiley=sgrin.gif]

Title: : A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Turts on Jul 29th, 2004, 9:11am
i dont get it!!!




lol



Turts

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Jul 29th, 2004, 9:38am
OK...Time for another true confession.

Since Jayne was so kind to give us all a good laugh at her expense, It's my turn. Thanks Jayne.

It kind of goes a step further than the fart stories.

Once upon a time......... In a campground far away......

I was in the mood to take a walk and my wife was tired so she decided to stay behind with the group of people we were camping with.

I put the leash on our mutt and took her for a long walk around the camp ground.

When we were about as far from my camp site as I could possibly get, my stomach started the old rumble. My thoughts were already on just letting a couple slip out and let people assume that my dog stinks.

During one of the many times that my dog stopped to sniff around, I decided it would be a good time to let one loose.

I tried to just let loose a little and relieve some of the pressure. Well..... When I let loose, it felt very wet and stunk worse than the pit toilets in the primitive camping area.

I thought to myself "This isn't good!!!". I determined right away that I had left a pretty noticable skid mark and decided that it was time to head back since I can't just leave my dog tied up outside while I visit the bathroom.

During the course of the walk back to my camp site, my dog insisted on stopping at every other blade of grass to sniff around. Mean while, I'm already starting to get a rash from my wet cheks rubbing together.

At long last, I finally make it back to my camp site. My wife asks "What took so long?". I told her I'm not feeling good and had her take the dog so I could go off to the bathroom. (It gets better....)

I finally get to the refuge of the bathroom without my dog and head for the nearest stall. I'm thinking that I'll wipe up real quick and then head back.

To my dismay I find that I not only let a wet fart, I actually shit my pants with the runniest smelliest shit ever to come out of my body. What do I do now??? My underwear are shitty, My pants stink.

So.......... I took the underwear off and left them in the garbage in the mens room. I then went into the shower area and rinsed my pants as good as I could.

The best part is that I went back to my camp site with wet pants and no underwear and minutes later I saw two female DNR employees go into the mens room to clean up. My wife didn't understand why I was laughing so hard when I saw them come out of there with the garbage bag and laughing so hard they were in tears

This is actually a true story that I didn't even tell to my wife for several years.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jeepgun on Jul 29th, 2004, 9:52am
Oh gawd... I'm laughing so hard, I'm cryin'! LOL! What a great story!

Two snowman stories: I was riding shotgun in a friend's Jeep with the top down. We passed this bank that was having a grand opening. Out in front was this guy dressed up like a huge snowman, holding a sign about interest rates or something. He had the big smiley face and everything. I stood up and gave him the ol' "double barrel," like this:  [smiley=finger.gif] He threw the sign down and gave me the "double barrel" back. Big fuckin snowman with a big smiley face, flipping us off. We were laughing so hard, we almost wrecked the Jeep!

Last year, on Mother's Day, I awoke early, extraordinarily inspired. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bag of those really big marshmallows. I went out to the driveway and lined several of them up, about 3' apart. Then I finished the trail with a pile of them. I took my daughter's sidewalk chalk and wrote beneath them, "Snowman Terds," and drew a big arrow to them. Then I went back into the house and pretended that I had just awakened. After breakfast, I strolled out to the driveway. My wife and daughter were out there. The sun had melted the marshmallows to shapeless white blobs. My wife was screaming, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?" My daughter was squatting down, poking one of them with a stick and saying, "Ewwwwwwwwww...."

;;D

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Margi on Jul 29th, 2004, 12:46pm
oh Jayne - I'm so sorry I missed this thread yesterday.

All I have to say is this:  any friend that will bring you yogurt in the middle of the night to cool off your Lucy - well that is a friend to treasure for all time.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Linda_Howell on Jul 29th, 2004, 7:27pm

My most embarrassing moment was at this yrs. convention when Dave Emond was introducing the officers and BoD and everyone stood up as their name was called.  
When my name was called, someone in the back of the room shouted out..."Stand up Linda"   and I had to say, "I AM STANDING UP!!!!!"
[smiley=bag.gif]


Short shit.

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jayne on Jul 29th, 2004, 10:35pm

on 07/28/04 at 23:55:42, Mr. Happy wrote:
Not only do you have nice tits, Jayne, but you tell a really good story.....even with that fake fucking English accent you do. And stop sneezing every 30 seconds.
The fart story is a tad mundane.....we've all crepitated in Church........usually with the Skid Mark to prove it.......but.......

the Peppered Prairie Squid Tale catches the judges attention.......you get at 9.9    ................just for being THAT DAMNED UNLUCKY AT LOVE.

Loose Lips Sink Ships,
RJ


You are dirty old codger!!!! You also need to stop pulling your socks up to your knees, you look like a twerp walking around like that. No one will take you seriously with that sort of dress code, so go push em down!!!! ;)

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ClusterChuck on Jul 30th, 2004, 4:39am
I am not even going to tell you the story of how I got "Oil of Wintergreen" (the stuff the gives the "heat" to muscle relaxant ointments) on my balls ...  Or the fart that I let off at a formal dinner party, that rattled the windows and pealed the wallpaper off the walls ... Nope ... Not telling those stories ...

But I could tell you about my 6 year old nephew at a nudist colony ... he went to the "boys room" to drop a load ...  He wiped himself ...  Just not too well ... the smear was VERY visible ... ALL UP HIS BACKSIDE!!!  (remember, we were at a nudist colony at the time)  Funny, he HATES when we tell that story ...

Chuck

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jimmy_B on Jul 30th, 2004, 10:20am

on 07/29/04 at 09:52:37, Jeepgun wrote:
I stood up and gave him the ol' "double barrel," like this:  [smiley=finger.gif] He threw the sign down and gave me the "double barrel" back. Big fuckin snowman with a big smiley face, flipping us off. We were laughing so hard, we almost wrecked the Jeep!

;;D



That's a normal drive to work, where I'm from. ;;D

Jimmy

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Carl_D on Jul 30th, 2004, 11:03am
[smiley=crackup.gif]

Similar terror can be evoked by mixing up the vasoline jar with the mentholatum jar.

Not that I'd admit to, er um...

nevermind.  :-X

Peaces,
Carl D - who only uses "Wet" now

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by Jeepgun on Jul 30th, 2004, 11:25am
Public Service Announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, Lava Soap is a really shitty lubricant.





Just so you know...   ;;D

  Frank
[O|||||O]
   JEEP

Title: Re: A funny thing happened to me. Rated R!!!!
Post by ExplodingEyeBall on Jul 30th, 2004, 11:55am

on 07/30/04 at 11:25:57, Jeepgun wrote:
Public Service Announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, Lava Soap is a really shitty lubricant.





Just so you know...   ;;D

  Frank
[O|||||O]
   JEEP


OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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