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Title: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Redd715 on May 18th, 2004, 6:10pm Well as of today it’s official, “Chronic cluster headache with unspecified episodic cycles.” Knowing deep inside that was going to be the case, and seeing it in writing in my chart were two different animals. Sort of brought it all home you know. The medication assistance program director Nicky, calls this morning to tell me that my application for the imitrex stat and 12 doses for 2 months has been approved and I can come and pick that up as well as my first “year” worth of Verapamil. Topamax is on the list but is on back order for the program. But the Imitrex will still cost me $20 every two months and that’s for a max of two doses a week. (yippy skippy) Hope I can get a job soon. But with this now, who the fuck is going to hire me? Been going threw my finances and by my math I have one more month worth of rent and about $200 left to my name to feed myself and two teenagers, plus pay all the other bills. Lucky for me I had my brother take my pistol last week. With all the shit I’ve been through in my life I’ve always been able to come through it. I almost think I’d have been better off not knowing what this was and kept lying to myself. Deluding myself that this will all be better soon. Reality really bites right now! Without a job, no money coming in I’m not going to be able to have the kids here for the summer. Hell I may not even have an apartment for myself if things don’t improve soon. My BF bails on me. I have no family close enough to be of any comfort. I know I have the family here but when you really need a real hug you need a real hug. It’s ironic. I worked in sales for a debt collection agency and now I’ll be the one having some 3 grand worth of bills headed in for collections from all this, at least maybe more. When the ass that tried to beat me to death a few years ago did all that, at least I knew what I was fighting. I was able to work with local police, the DA and DOJ. When he went fugitive status after posting bail, I called all the local TV stations to ensure he was on the areas “most wanted” community service announcements. I had a face and place to fight and he’s now in prison. The demon was tangible. THIS demon is not. And has taken more from me in the process. And I can’t get in to see Pam without pre paying, because of the unpaid bills that were ordered paid by restitution from that assault, and somehow in the transfer of prisons that paperwork got lost. So soon I won’t even be able to get in to see Pam. I don’t know if I’m able to reconcile that I’m going to have to live with this beast the rest of my life with little relief. I want the diagnosis to be wrong. I want my life back. I want to have someone to hold me while I cry. And what do I have? Myself sitting here typing to a cold lifeless computer screen, wanting everything I know I can’t have. Time will find me getting used to the idea, but for today and for some time to come I’ll be learning to cope I suppose. Crying alone. Z’s drawing hit home and I told her so. Now she can know why. Alone. Hell I have been going through this alone for how many years now right? What the hell are 40+ more? |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by vig on May 18th, 2004, 6:13pm You're not alone, stand strong sister. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by thomas on May 18th, 2004, 6:15pm on 05/18/04 at 18:10:50, Redd715 wrote:
I do not understand this terminology, please explain [smiley=huh.gif] |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Redd715 on May 18th, 2004, 6:23pm on 05/18/04 at 18:15:24, thomas wrote:
neither do I Thomas...thats just what it said in my chart. All I know for sure is that I'm stocked up on enough verap to last me daily till the end of next June. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Tiannia on May 18th, 2004, 6:24pm Redd It will work out and there are plenty of employeers that will hire you. That has been a topic on this site a lot. It might not be the easy job to get but it will work out. You are not alone. We are all here and we undersatnd. I know what you mean about a hug. But "knowing" that there are people there is sometimes better then having someone there that does not give a fuck. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by vig on May 18th, 2004, 6:25pm For me, even in chronicness, there are episodic subpatterns. plus, I make up words |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by john123 on May 18th, 2004, 6:30pm maybe Boy_Scout will come back and we can beat on him some more, that thread took my mind of all kinds of stuff ;;D I hear you, I see you, thanks for sharing that stuff :) vibes, vibes, and more vibes |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Redd715 on May 18th, 2004, 6:30pm on 05/18/04 at 18:25:22, vig wrote:
I'm assuming that is what she meant Vig. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by broomhilda on May 18th, 2004, 6:32pm Redd, I know how you feel nothing like a hug and a shoulder right now, wish I could be there for you, stay strong you can do it... ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Andrea ( the 19th, chain) |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Luke63 on May 18th, 2004, 6:33pm Vent go ahead. If there's something I can do..or at least try to do...if you wanna talk...whatever..I'll do my best. Drop me a line if you want. Luke |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by AlienSpaceBabe on May 18th, 2004, 6:36pm I'm sorry you're getting hit so hard in so many different ways... clusters, financial, teenagers, unemployment, bf bailing.... Life does get better.... I promise! Clusters - you have meds, though probably not enough imitrex.... Financial - you're an experienced salesperson! and, a benefit is that you have experience with debt collection (can't hurt, might help, right?) Many areas of Wisconsin have a rent-assistance program too. Teenagers - they'll understand.... and if they're old enough they can get part-time jobs to pay their expenses and help you out. BF - damn, I know that hurts.... remember that somebody worthy of you will stick by you through thick and thin, remaining honest and faithful by your side.... I do promise that life gets better! Life won't give up on you if you don't give up on it! hugs, Lizzie |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Grandma_Sweet_Boy on May 18th, 2004, 6:37pm You feel free to vent anytime. You also have my email address from a recipe you sent last week. My heart aches for you, trying to do this on your own without a supporter in your world. You know everyone here cares, but I understand it's not quite the same as a person right with you. Stay strong, and the others are right, there are employers out there who will be willing to hire you. Just you holler - there's always going to be someone around to hear you!!!!! Vibes and Hugs Carol |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Racer1_NC on May 18th, 2004, 6:58pm Redd.... I know it does seem like a tall mountain to climb right now......But you can get through it. I know you can.... Bill |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Charlie on May 18th, 2004, 7:33pm Rats. Sorry that all this is hitting you. It feels like you never get a break with this thing but you don't need all the other crapola on top. "Unspecified Epicsodic Cycles." Geeze. That's helpful to somebody? It's as bad as "Complex Partial Seizures" that bizarre neurologists like to call petit mal seizures. Nothing comes up to "battle fatigue" for "shell shock." It's the end of the world. Keep on ranting. I bet it helps. Charlie |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by ShariRae on May 18th, 2004, 7:42pm Redd, One step at a time....baby steps..just keep looking & moving forward..We are here to take your hand...just grab hold... Huggs Shari |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by mynm156 on May 18th, 2004, 7:52pm Dear Redd, I wont pretend that I know all that you are going through but I will promise this not just to you but to all my borthers and sisters here if you ever need someone and see me on go for it!! This site has given me hope when I thought there was non. I send you all the GOOD VIBES AND HUGS!!! Your Brother in PAIN MYNM156 |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Melissa on May 18th, 2004, 8:17pm Redd, I'm going to tell you right now, it's not what life throws at you that matters, it's how you react to it. I am very sorry you got that diagnosis, but you can either dwell in misery and self pity about it, or make sure the PF time you do have is well spent. I'm sorry if I am coming across harsh, but you were not given a death sentence, please try and remember that for it will get you through the hard times. I care about all clusterheads here. Chronic or not the pain is the same, only the duration is different. Try and stay strong. Take things day by day or hour to hour if need be. You can DO this! Hang in there, :)mel |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Sean_C on May 18th, 2004, 8:24pm [smiley=hug.gif] Hang in there kid, lotsa love coming your way Sean |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Cerberus on May 18th, 2004, 8:30pm Redd... I am sooooo feeling your pain right now, you have no idea how much of your trouble I/we have shared in common. Hang in there the first month or so is the worst part.....not knowing what is/will happen next. With ya .....fer real, Ramon |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by BlueMeanie on May 18th, 2004, 8:35pm Hi Redd. I know words don't mean alot, but I want to say things will get better for you. Sometimes when you're at your lowest it seams you just can't pull yourself back up, but it will work out over time. Try not to worry about everything at once. Take babysteps and slowly things will improve for you. You should have no problem getting a job with your experiences. I've never mentioned clusters when looking for a job. What they don't know won't hurt. You can always tell them later as a neccessity when you have no choice. Most people understand to a point anyway. Show them the printed paperwork found on this site when the time comes. Good luck to you Redd. Positive Vibes heading your way. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Redd715 on May 18th, 2004, 8:44pm on 05/18/04 at 20:35:07, BlueMeanie wrote:
I've spoken to a few prospects that ask why I'm no longer with the company I was before. I have to be honest and tell them that I was put on a medical leave of abcence, and that my position has been terminated since then. Were they to call for a reference thats what they would hear, so I certainly can't lie about it. It's not the what...it's simply the fact of a what From March 8th to May 11. Looks great for a resume. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Gator on May 18th, 2004, 10:10pm Redd, I feel for you babe. I was put on medical leave Feb 3. I got a phone call last week saying that I was getting the old pink slip. Jobs around here are scarce as hens teeth, too. I know my situation isn't as bad as yours, but I do understand some of what you are feeling. Hang tough, kid. You can always get ahold of me via e-mail or you can pm me and we can talk on the phone - my dime, whatever you need. Prayers and vibes for you. Mike |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Leesa on May 18th, 2004, 10:57pm Redd, we got your back sista!! IT WILL GET BETTER!! That is a sure bet!! Everyone eles has said it too. Just do what you have to do and rem. we care and you have my number so call ANYTIME!! Im here for ya!! It's always darkest before the light. Someone famous said that I just wish I could rem. who the hell it was. LOL But you know me and my insanity plea! LMAO ;) Love you lots, Leesa ;;D |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Kevin_M on May 18th, 2004, 11:12pm Redd, you got lots of sisters and brothers here now, stay with us no matter what happens. We'll support you and be here for you. Clusters, life, work, ups and downs, anything. Keep your spirits dear, keep your spirits. much luv Kevin M |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Aussie on May 19th, 2004, 6:33am When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Works for me. Steve |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Donna_D. on May 19th, 2004, 8:06am Redd, Hang in there...and we need to talk about the job sitch. See me in chat! DD Love ya Sis! |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Jeepgun on May 19th, 2004, 9:18am Hang in there, Redd. I agree with Melissa: It's not what happens to you but how you choose to perceive it and how you choose to respond to it. Venting is good... In the end, there's no cure for despair like being pro-active. The recipe for miracles is really a scientific formula: 1. Do all that you can do from where you are, at this moment. 2. Surrender it to Spirit, the Universe, God, the Higher Power, The All That Is... Whatever name you choose to assign IT. 3. Be on the lookout for the next step that you can take. 4. Repeat step 2 until the next step presents itself. Hang in there. Steel will never become a king's scimitar until it is thrust into the forge, beaten with hammers, tempered, ground, sharpened, and polished. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by ExplodingEyeBall on May 19th, 2004, 9:28am on 05/19/04 at 09:18:35, Jeepgun wrote:
Wow!! That's a good description there. I'm praying for you Redd. I can tell that your to tough to just give in that easy to a bastard like the beast. |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Redd715 on May 19th, 2004, 12:24pm Thanks everyone, I'm feeling better today. The ex just happened to call and IM me again late last night, and it was pretty much my last straw for the day. Sometimes you have to let it all in and feel it all so you can then let it all go. I literally cried myself to sleep last night, and feel suprisingly better today. I've been very frugal with what funds I have left, and I'm going to *try* to talk to my landlord about coming up with some sort of arrangement for rent if need be if it takes some time to find work. No saying he'll agree but I have to try. Other than that I'm going to have to dip into what I have left to get ink for the printer, and more resume paper, envelopes and stamps for the jobs I can't apply to online. I'm getting the feeling that Careerbuilder.com's email resume now feature doesn't work all too well, because I've only gotten one reciept email from the many I've sent that route. Again thank all of you for your words of encouragement. Getting down from time to time is a given with this. The beast will not get me. And I'll fight to get my life back till there is nothing left to fight for or with. thats all I can do for today. Tomorrow may prove even better. Luv to you all!!!!! And I mean it! Redd |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by Jeepgun on May 19th, 2004, 12:32pm Good! Keep fighting the good fight, Redd. Life can only victimize you if you let it. As for the ex and IM: Put Instant Messenger on, "Ignore anyone not on my 'Friends' list," in the privacy settings, then delete the ex's name from your 'Friends' list. Get caller ID, or better yet, get your number changed and unlisted. Refuse all phone calls or attempts by him to contact you. Good fortunes to you in your job search. What about hiring on at a temp agency until you can find a more permanent job? Often, companies that hire at temp agencies will give you a permanent position after an initial probationary period. -Frank |
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Title: Re: Just needed to vent it.... Post by ExplodingEyeBall on May 19th, 2004, 12:46pm on 05/19/04 at 12:24:16, Redd715 wrote:
Redd.. Try visiting your local Library. The one I work at has internet access and also has software specifically for doing job searches and resumes on line. The only cost you may run in to is a nickel a page for printing. If you turn on the puppy dog eyes, you may even get someone to put in your special resume paper if you need to print one up. I'm pretty sure that most Libraries have at least one computer set up for doing this kind of stuff. I wish there was more that I could do. Pat |
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