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(Message started by: UN_SOLVED on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:29am)

Title: Suicide
Post by UN_SOLVED on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:29am

I thought this topic would grab some attention !

Being CHRONIC, like alot of us here are, I was just wondering:

IS THERE REALLY ANYONE ELSE LIKE ME ?

I've been chronic for the last 4 years with NO BREAKS. Multiple attacks everyday / night. NO PREVENTATIVES WORK (except bout 400 mg Prednisone everyday. How long can I do that ? )

I know that alot of you 'chronics' have preventatives like Lithium, Topo, or even O² that is giving you great relief. I don't get this luxury. (Yes, that's right, luxury. If you have a preventative working for you ... it's a benefit i'm not getting)

I get an attack ... I shoot Imitrex. LOTS OF IT !! I don't believe there is ANYONE ... ANYWHERE ... that has done more Imitrex than I have.

I'm just getting tired. I need a break.

Unsolved (ranting)
PS ... WHEN TO SAY "WHEN" ???

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Big Dan on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:39am

Don't you even start talking shit like that, God damnit..

... I may not be chronic.. but I know it sucks... trust me man... it 'aint worth it...

Check you PM's... if you need me, I'll be here for ya...

-Big Hug

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Turts on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:54am

Quote:

PS ... WHEN TO SAY "WHEN" ???

Many of us, if not most would ask this question on a regular basis.

Think back, when was the first time you asked yourself this question, and what GOOD stuff have you done, seen since then!!

Having CH doesnt make us "special" from everyone else, surviving the pain does!!!

I have been asking myself the same question for a longtime now, and this is the only answer I can find..

I hope it helps you Un_Solved.

Turts

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Carl_D on May 2^nd, 2004, 7:33am

I feel your pain - more than you know.

Since turning chronic 5 years ago, I am the same way, except NO preventatives, including Prednisone work for me. It wasn't until fall of last year I found that Imitrex now works for me (before it didn't), but before that it was pure unbridled attacks. I'd just have to ride them out, anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half each, several times a day/night. I felt like living was futile and my plight hopeless, so in January of 2000, I attempted suicide bigtime - and still wonder to this day how I pulled out of the coma and made it. Looking back now, I realize it was a stupid, selfish, desperate move.

FIGHT THE PAIN! FUCK THE BEAST!
NEVER SAY DIE!!!

Hang in there man, you're not alone.
Peace,
Carl D

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by john123 on May 2^nd, 2004, 9:27am

By the power of all my vibes, I wish for you a break.

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Little Deb on May 2^nd, 2004, 9:31am

read your PMs,

NEVER is when is enough.

We are CLUSTERHEADS! And we are STRONG!

And when we are weak....we have our FAMILY!

Stay strong my brother.

Vibes comin' your way....Little Deb

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Woobie on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:03am

:'( :'( :'(

I never know what to say that's gonna make a difference. ....

all I know is that I'm sorry......... I dont know how you feel, I just wish I could do something.

Please check your PMs.

tina

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by stevegeebe on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:08am

"To the sick, while there is life there is hope." - Cicero

It's not all there is. Look around. Don't miss the day when you get the rest of your life back.

Praying for you.

Steve G

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by miapet on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:14am

My heart is breaking for you . . .and I know that's not enough.
Stay strong . . .you're a beautiful person . . .don't let the beast win.
*positive light and energy*
miapet and D

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by HypnoticFreddy on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:25am

I have had the pleasure of PM'ing Unsolved.

He certainly has had his share of CHs and a LOT MORE shit in his life that sucks!

Hang in there man!

-Scott

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by no-one on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:38am

UN-SOLVED,

You are not alone in how you feel, but suicide is not an option. I've been chronic for 5 years and so far nothing works, I can't even use imitrex., O2 will bring down the pain, but doesn't take it away for me. I use DHE inj that also will take the pain down but does not get rid of it, and with dhe you can only use it 2 days a week( I still haven't figured out what to do with the other 5 days). I haven't slept more that 4 hours in a night in I can't remember how long, at this point I would take 4 straight hours of sleep, and be a very happy camper. But I am not ready to give up yet there are too many things I want to do and I am sure you also have things that you want to see and do with your life.

SUICIDE IS NOT A OPTION, ITS THE CHICHENS WAY OUT.
WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU, PLEASE COME AND CRY ON OUR SHOULDERS ANYTIME YOU NEED TO. WE WILL TRY TO HELP THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW AND THAT IS TO BE THERE FOR YOU. WE ARE A FAMILY AND WE NEED YOU.

Lots of hugs being sent your way

Becky

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Patrick_A on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:40am

Reaching out for hope.

I guess everyone that has suffered from this excruciating pain has been there at one time or another.

I am not chronic, so therefore i cannot exactly know how you feel.

I will probably get flamed for this, but it is ok.
We put our animals to sleep because we don't want them to suffer needlessly. That is called being compassionate.
Hospice administered dialaudid in such a heavy amount to my cancer ridden Mother until it stopped her heart. This is called Euthanasia. Official cause of death--Cancer!
I suppose suicice can be a very selfish act at times. But in my opinion, Sometimes it is better than a lifetime of pain. How can i be a happy person if my whole life i am only dealing with the anxiety of my next attack, not to even mention the unbearable pain i am force to deal with on an everyday basis, 2 to 5 times daily. What am i accomplishing in life? An existence?
Suicide for the Heartbroken is a selfish act.
Suicide due to your finacial ruin is a selfish act.
Suicide due to depression, its a toss up!
Suicide due to unbearable pain.....How is that a selfish act?
If i was dealing with the unbearable pain that some people here deal with everyday. And i decided i couldnt deal with it anymore. I would gather my family around, and i would announce my intentions. I would tell them all that i loved them very much, but i cannot deal with this anymore. How is that a selfish act?

I figure out of 100 people who may have an opinion on this. 50 will quote me the scriptures about going to Hell.
30 will be adamently against it. 15 will just be sad, and the other 5 will agree with me.

I don't condone suicide, But, I do beleive in compassion, and i DON'T beleive it is always a selfish act.

OK, Flame away!

Patrick

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Karla on May 2^nd, 2004, 10:54am

After 4 years of being chronic getting hit 8x a day every day I understand completly where you are comming from because nothing worked to prevent for me. O2 quit working and I got the run around on using so much trex. I felt suicidal all the time for the first couple of years. Then I talked to my dr about it and got put on a great antidepressent. It did help alot. I urge you to be honest with your dr and let him know exactly how your quality of life is being effected and how you feel. It was also at this time my dr started considering pain management. My HMO sent me to another HMO to go to a HA /pain clinic. They confirmed I had tried everything out there and then resorted to pain management. They put me on methadone for a year 10mg am and 10 mg pm. A very low dose. It kept me pain free for a year. No high feeling. Just great because I had no pain. I thought the methadone was making me sleep so much so I swithched to the duragesic patch 50mcg. It also worked wonders for me and kept me pain free for the last year. I had no high from that also. It has given me a quality of life and a pain free life that I never thought would be possible. Please talk to your dr about these options before you do anything serious. There are other options out there. I will be praying for you. Pm me if you need me.

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Prense on May 2^nd, 2004, 11:06am

Chronic for the last 11 years now (and counting). I have had no preventative that works yet. I thought the lithium/verap combo was gonna nip this shit, but no luck yet. I am hoping like hell that an increase in the lith dosage will get things under control.

Hang in there man!

Trust me, you are not going through this crap alone.

Chris

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Sean_C on May 2^nd, 2004, 12:16pm

C'mon dude pick your ass up.

There is no solution to anything like that. I was chronic for ten years when they didn't even know what it was. I suffered like all the other old sufferers here. Some had ther teeth pulled ( I was almost one of them ) others got put in psych wards, it was nasty.

As for trex I too have taken alot without regard for my health. At the peak I think one day I took 10. I got shut off from the doc when I called him the next day to ask for another script. My BP was sky high.

Hang in there dude, they won't kill you even though it feels that way.

E-mail me if you need to talk

PFDAN to you

Sean

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by jonny on May 2^nd, 2004, 12:20pm

Before I found something that worked i went 14 years with just aspirin, hell, I was not even diagnosed.

Did I think about ending it back then, Yup....Did I, nope.

Imagine how much aspirin a chronic can consume :o

Hang the fuck in there dude.

..............................................jonny

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Sean_C on May 2^nd, 2004, 12:44pm

Me too jonny, Execedrin extra extra extra strenght, nasal spray, and toothe paste. I used to think if I brushed my teeth the poison in my gums would go away and would make the headache stop LOL. NOT

Then I thought it was a tumor, or the drugs, or I was just going mental and slowing going to die, or it was my subconscience getting me back for being a rotten kid LOL.
Mom used to tell me it was the devil etc.etc.etc. and if I stop being a fucking bastard they'll go away LOL.

I can remember mom screaming at me telling me telling me I was freaking sick, it was my own fault. "We've spent thousands of dollars on you and there's nothing wrong with you. " Your a bastard you here me" "Now get the fuck outa here" How bout some of that with a beamin kip 10 hmmmmmmmmm those were the days LOL. No wonder I drank at 13 and hung in the woods all night LOL. God I miss those days LOL

For the record I love my mom.........I really was a bad kid LOL, god I hope my kids arn't anything like I was LMAO

Keep the faith guys.....somebody loves you.

Sean

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by sean_horton on May 2^nd, 2004, 1:19pm

I've been with the devil for 19+ years, it goes chronic 90% of the time for 1 to 5 months.I've had 1-2 year break (talk about blessing) and I've been chronic for 2 years straight at one time. I average 8 to 9 attacks a day. Never never could you or anybody take your own life because of this speed bump it will it has to get better for you and us. On my time away from the devil I live to the fullest. You must to. I've banged my head till it blead [b][/b]YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by jonny on May 2^nd, 2004, 2:14pm

on 05/02/04 at 13:19:51, sean_horton wrote:

I've been with the devil for 19+ years, it goes chronic 90% of the time for 1 to 5 months.

Dude, chronic is one year without 14 straight days pain free.....no such thing as chronic for five months.

.........................................jonny

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Sean_C on May 2^nd, 2004, 2:42pm

Jonnys right bro, 15 straight days your on a different ship. I guess thats where they drew the line for some reason. Nevertheless both suck. But there is hope, I went episodic and I hope you guys do too. I wish I could tell you why but I have know idea. If I did I'd share it with you believe me.

Stay cool

Sean

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Roxy on May 2^nd, 2004, 2:49pm

I've been chronic for two and a half years. On a good day between 3-5 hits. On a bad day, anywhere from 8-12 hits. Yeah, it sucks. Haven't found a preventative that works yet, and I'm limited on my triptan use......I used so much trex that my heart finally said STOP. Every couple of months, I'll get a really good day with only one hit.

Yeah, it sucks. But is it worth suicide? FUCK NO. The pain is excrutiatingly bad.....but it ain't gonna kill me. And it will eventually pass. I like the rest of my life way too much to ever fall over into the "I can't live like this" mode.

02 never worked for me till I dosed. The dosing doesn't do much for my ch's, but it does make the 02 kick ass, most of the time.

If you're at the end of your rope, maybe it's time to explore alternate preventatives.

http://clusterbusters.com/

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by BarbaraD on May 2^nd, 2004, 2:49pm

Been there = thought about it - even worked out a plan, but never could get things in order (headaches kept interferring with my plans). Had surgery - didn't work -- then at my wits in (and yes, I was serious) I found topamax and got some relief.

Now after a few years of only breakthrus, I'm back to square one - the topamax quit working, so I'm back on my "quest" to find a preventative that will stop the pain - AGAIN!!!

I know it's a pain in the rear and works on your mind to be chronic and NEVER getting relief. You get tired of trying, but read posts from Carl D. and Jonny (and me). There is ALWAYS some hope....

Hang in there, keep trying to find a med that works - it's there - just trail and error (some are by accident).

Don't know what else to say, except I DO know what you're feeling -- I've been there too many times.

Hugs BD

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by cootie on May 2^nd, 2004, 2:52pm

This is always a 'heavy topic' ! Maybe you should 'think' about retryin somea the old mix's......maybe rearrange how when and how much workin with yer doc on the project. Dam......sounds like a foot in hell to me.........but keep that other foot out Pam :-*

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Svenn on May 2^nd, 2004, 3:43pm

Hi there amigo

Have you tried this combination ?

Verapamil Retard 120mgX5-7/daily during cycle
Oxygene alone at 10ltm for at least 15 minutes on a nonbreathermask or combined with imitrex-shots does miracles.The shots should start working in 6-9minutes.a few seconds after that you are almost painfree
Prednisolone in high doze for 10 days 80mg
then over a 3 weeks periode step down like 60-40-30-20-10-5mg every 3dh day
Tapering down the verap im on full dozage 7 days after my last hit,then over the next 5 weeks im down to 1/daily.
after 1 week on Verap retard 120mgX1 and still no hits i can quit that to

The very best from Svenn

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by UN_SOLVED on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:48pm

on 05/02/04 at 15:43:29, Svenn wrote:

Hi there amigo

Have you tried this combination ?

Verapamil Retard 120mgX5-7/daily during cycle > THIS WILL KILL ME
Oxygene alone at 10ltm for at least 15 minutes on a nonbreathermask > HAS NO EFFECT
or combined with imitrex-shots does miracles.The shots should start working in 6-9minutes.a few seconds after that you are almost painfree
Prednisolone in high doze for 10 days 80mg
then over a 3 weeks periode step down like 60-40-30-20-10-5mg every 3dh day > THIS DOSE IS WORTHLESS ON ME
Tapering down the verap im on full dozage 7 days after my last hit,then over the next 5 weeks im down to 1/daily.
after 1 week on Verap retard 120mgX1 and still no hits i can quit that to
The very best from Svenn

THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY...BUT YOU MUST NOT HAVE READ THE ORIGINAL POST.

UNSOLVED

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by cootie on May 2^nd, 2004, 4:58pm

I think he was jus givein you an example of 'HIS MIX' with dose amounts and all.....thinkin maybe you jus could try a new combo type deal or retry what didn't work before since that's worked for some also here or try other combo's of meds ? I'm jus a supporter and out on a limb here Pam

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by UN_SOLVED on May 2^nd, 2004, 5:02pm

I'm sure your right. I'm sure he had the best of intentions.

Unsolved

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Rock_Lobster on May 2^nd, 2004, 5:11pm

Hmmm... none of the CH preventatives work for you. Chances are you just have tension headaches. Try Tylenol. ;;D

When does the Trex patent expire? At that point Trex will be cheaper than bottled water. Your 'auto-trex-injector' will mayhaps become a reality. At the very least we will not hoard the stuff.

Did you try the CB's... the shroomage?

Good luck boss. Here's to ya.
Rock

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by mynm156 on May 2^nd, 2004, 5:35pm

WHen I cyle I feel like that almost everyday. So I KNOW how you feel. I bet we all do. I too have been suffering for many years with little or no luck with be it TRADITIONAL or NON- TRADITIONAL methods of treatment. I am ready to try SHROOMS if it helps! Remeber that you are not alone and someday someone will find out how to treat and stop these dances with the Devil once and for all.

GOOD LUCK! If you ever need someone chat with somone else who understands I come on almost daily IM me we can share wonderful experences together!

MYNM156

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Jeepgun on May 2^nd, 2004, 9:20pm

Having not walked in your moccasins, I will not tell you that suicide is wrong or selfish, or anything else. Sometimes, it is the last dignified method of ending unbearable suffering. At the same time, be sure to carefully examine your life and the lives you will affect by your choice, and the responsibilities you will leave to others in the event of your demise. At the very least, I would consult with my physician one last time, and tell him/her what this is doing to you mentally and emotionally.

I will say this: Nothing lasts forever, and as we age, the clusters do begin to taper off. What seems insurmountable now, may yet become easier.

My heart aches for you and I don't even know anything about you. I do know that you will make whatever decision you will make, and that little that is written here will sway that one way or the other, and perhaps, that is as it should be.

In any case, blessings and peace to you.

-Frank

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by TxBasslady on May 2^nd, 2004, 11:03pm

Guess you're asking a question that really only you can answer.

However, I've seen the pictures of you and that precious little boy. Now......what would that precious child do without you ???

You're a special person, Michael. I feel certain that you will stay with us, and fight for the cure.

Love and lots of pf vibes,

Jean

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by kolinshaw on May 2^nd, 2004, 11:22pm

I dont know you but if you have CH then I fully understand your dilemma as I have had them for over 15 years, EVERY day for the first 10 years and they have exacted a huge toll on my life with partners and work, however I have always said that "if" I truly believed in an afterlife, then I wouldn't be here now. But I believe that to be a very big IF, No I think this is our one and only shot at life, so don't give it up without a fight.!! All the best , Kol

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by UN_SOLVED on May 2^nd, 2004, 11:40pm

Thanks for all your replies.

Let's CLEAR the air. I'm NOT going anywhere right now. But I was interested in hearing how some of you felt about the subject.

Being chronic, and getting hammered all the time, is very tough. I've tried ALOT of stuff to tame the HA's. I'll keep on looking for something that helps. I will also volunteer to be the first person in the US to get the "Deep Brain Stimulation" surgery or any other med or treatment that the docs think may help. I do believe I have some of the best docs when it comes to CH too. (Dr. Seipel and Drs'. Rozen and Saper from MHNI (http://www.mhni.com).)

Until then, the 'personal torture sessions' will most likely continue.

Thanks for all your support

PF Wishes to all

Unsolved

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by 5-string on May 2^nd, 2004, 11:57pm

I'm sorry you're gettin' nailed Unsolved. I wish I could do something for ya. Hang in there,
...Mark..

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Charlie on May 3^rd, 2004, 12:50am

We've all been there but didn't stay. Several reasons:

Life is too much fun.

Suicide is selfish. You transfer all your pain to family and friends forever. It creates pain.

My clusters went away. What a crime it would have been and I'd have never learned so much about it either.

We need you here.

Try everything that makes sense and stay in there.

Charlie

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by OneEyeBlind on May 3^rd, 2004, 6:38am

Pain free vibes coming your way UnSolved, and prayers that you find something that provided some relief. Hang in there !

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Tiannia on May 3^rd, 2004, 7:56pm

on 05/02/04 at 04:29:22, UN_SOLVED wrote:

Unsolved, I really dont know what to say but I am sorry and I do understand. No I do not think that I am as badly hit as you are by the beast. I know that he is a part of every waking thought and even when I am not awoken by an attack there are many nights that I am woken by the mere thought of him. I understand the need to vent. That is why we are here. So that there is some one that can understand that scream into the dark. Please, if there is ever a time that this is more then a thought please call me. I do not care about the time. I do not care about anything but hearing your voice. I will PM you my numbers. I will listen. You have helped me to understand so much about what the doctors are talking about and doing. You have helped me to know that no matter how bad I feel I am getting hit and my life turning up side down, that I can stand up, brush off the dirt and sweat and know that I survived another one. The medications that seem to keep pilling up witht he doctors hoping that someone one will be the magic cactail that will make them disappear. Has that happened yet for me, no. You know what relif I got from the Nerve blocks and the RFG. little to none. I understand the frustration and the fear that I feel looking into the future. Feeling like I have failed in some way to have brought these on. Thinking that my kids are going to grow up with me crying and having to run to the bathroom with me in a grocery store so that I can be in a semi safe place for them until the attack stops. You have given my strength and hope. So if I can help you in any way, simply ask. I wish there was some way that I could help take your pain, but all I can do is offer and ear and a shoulder.

PF Wishes my friend
-Tia

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by bobkip on May 3^rd, 2004, 9:21pm

Unsolved,
Have I ever thought about suicide? HELL YES! I even came up with the perfect way, fast, no pain and final. Have I ever tried it? HELL NO! In September of 98 my best friend did it and I still think about him every day.The guilt is always there and the what ifs are many. Knowing how I feel, I could never lay that trip on my family and friends.
Kip

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by OneEyeBlind on May 3^rd, 2004, 10:05pm

Yea, gotta say the subject of suicide brings back painful memories. When my brother in law shot himself to death it was not pretty to live with the aftermath. Raising his daughter afterwards was a challenge as well. To this day his daughter struggles with the fact that her father killed himself. While she may love us, she wonders why he didn't love her enough to stick around. I have no answers for that.

Life is great on the other side as long as you get there the right way.

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Ree on May 4^th, 2004, 12:26am

I have to agree with Nancy here, before I say good night. Our family has had to deal with suicide twice. Once as a teen a cousin killed himself and more recently my daughters friends daddy killed himself a year ago this week. Its a selfish solution. Those that are left behind suffer so deeply. My daughters little friend has lost her sparkle that she once had. Their family has gone through several huge changes. The mom now has to watch her kids closely because statistics say that if a parent dies from suicide there is a greater risk of losing a child to suicide too...
Have I thought about suicide... when I was young and stupid...ya... my kids kept me here. I thought about those that I would leave behind.
Has Dave thought about suicide... yes I know he has. In the throes of an attack I don't think he cares if he lives or dies, when he is in that kind of pain... Will he kill himself.......No because he thinks about the people he will leave behind.......... his daughter.....me... God bless anyone that is having thoughts of suicide... pick up the phone and call someone........anyone...
and I believe too the "Other side" is an absolute reward to those deserving of such a place... suicide won't get you there............. God bless you all and good night Ree

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Callico_Kid on May 4^th, 2004, 2:56am

Un_solved,

I'm glad you brought the topic up again. I know it has been addressed on the board in the past, but I think it is well worth addressing again. Thank you also for clearing the air about your intentions. As others have posted, it is so important to have someone to talk to when facing the issue for yourself. That is why I am SO glad for this site.

Do I think about suicide? DAILY! Will I ? No. There is much to much to live for, and as Charlie mentioned, jus think what if he would have given in one day before the HAs quit! This will end, andI will be there to see the end come.

Jerry

Wishing you PF

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Gator on May 4^th, 2004, 3:29am

There are a lot opinions on the subject most of which say no. There are some who suggest that in the case of great unbearable and uncurable pain, it might be acceptable.

All other opinions aside, the only one that matters is yours. It's pretty much up to you, isn't it?

But since you are here asking others how they feel about it, here's my take on it. I have too much to live for. I've been to the point where I had the pill bottles in one hand and a glass of water in the other ready to do the deed. The pain boring through my head like a drill bit on fire and me screaming at God to either cure me or kill me. Since He was not inclined to do either I was going to take care of it myself. I couldn't take another minute.

In those brief seconds before taking the last step, my thoughts drifted to my family. My poor wife. The thought of her finding me and blaming herself for not being there (which she would do, possibly to the point of eventual suicide herself) was too much to bear. I could not put that guilt on her. I love her too much. The thought of one of my kids being the one to find me and being scarred for life was unacceptable. I love them too much. I thought of my oldest son in the Army ready to go into battle in a foreign country. How would my actions affect his ability to stay alive under fire? My next oldest son who was almost killed in a car accident just this past August, who at the time "would probably not live," then "probably not walk," then "definitely never play football again." He fought through all the pain and never listened to what he would "probably" never do. Today he is in Spring Training for next year's high school season. The thought of not seeing him on the field for the first time since the accident was unbearable. My youngest son, the sensitive artist. He has already been through bouts of depression at his young age. Would I be telling him it's okay to kill yourself, even encouraging him to do so? What father would do that? I thought of my granddaughter. So cute. I would miss her first steps, her first words, everything that a grandpa looks forward to.

Nope, I just couldn't skip out on everyone I loved like that. For me, I have way too much to live for to even consider it.

Since you said you were not going anywhere, you just wanted to know what everyone thought of the subject, I should say this.

Don't ever fuck with people's heads like that. As you have seen there are a lot of caring and concerned people around here, people that don't even know you personally, some that were literally in tears for you, begging you to reconsider. Some were forced to re-live the painful thoughts of their own friends and family members who did commit suicide. And all you were doing was taking a poll?

I know in your original post you never actually said you were going to do it, you said just used the title to get the attention and the opinions, but you also waited a long damned time to explain yourself for those who took it as a last desperate call for help.

Maybe I am being too harsh - maybe deep down, it was a cry for help, but if not, then you owe everyone here who pleaded with you to reconsider an apology. These people take the subject of suicide very serious, because some really do try and succeed. Saying the word suicide on this board is like saying bomb in an airport!

Gator

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Mac on May 4^th, 2004, 4:20am

I've been chronic since my first attack 4 years ago.I went through ungodly amounts of anti-histamines(thinking sinus infection) before being diagnosed with Ch a little over a year ago. I would be lying if I said I didn't have thoughts of dying when I was in the middle of an attack. Not really killing myself, just not caring if I died. Especially before I was diagnosed.It was very tough on relationships trying to explain what I was going through and nothing had been diagnosed to prove that I wasn't insane or faking it or whatever. Even after diagnosis there are lots of issues that can put a big strain on your life. I've been there.

I'll cut to the chase. I'm sure not the toughest guy around so I figure if I can put up with it day in and day out you can. We need everyone on board rowing if were going to get to the ultimate goal.PFDAN Glen

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by sandie99 on May 4^th, 2004, 7:46am

unsolved,
now you listen to me: I am not a chronic, but I know a thing and two about thinking about suicide. After all I have been doing that on/off since I was 9. Don't get too shocked, I'm 24 now. It's just me. It was around before CH, but CH made it worse.

BUT something weird happened lately. Since my MRI scan last week my CH has been worse than ever. I have had HAs for 12 hours, I have had days with at least 6 attacks, 8 yesterday. BUT something is different now. Topamax is supposed to help with CH, which is not, but it has taken that suicital edge away.

Right now I know very well what it must be like to be a chronic. It's Hell. But think about it: there MUST be a day just around the corner when things are different. There must be! I have lived 24 years waiting for that better day. Now I have that feeling that it'll be soon here. Okay, maybe this is the topamax's illusion (one side effect according to the list) talking here, but I really hope so.

Best wishes,
sandie99

Title: Re: Suicide
Post by Jeepgun on May 4^th, 2004, 8:44am

Well spoken, Gator. "Saying 'suicide' in here is like saying 'bomb' in an airport." Right on.

All of us have considered checking out at one time or another. Clusters make this option seem all the more attractive. The thing that has stayed my hand most often, is that my belief in reincarnation, and that whatever challenges we refuse to meet in this lifetime, will be carried over in some form, to the next. This lifetime, I have enjoyed remarkable health and a good, strong, and able body. Maybe next lifetime, if I were to kill myself, I wouldn't have cluster headaches, but who's to say that I wouldn't be born crippled or deformed? Certainly, there are worse things than cluster headaches. (Not to diminish the horrific pain and suffering in any way, but I really do think there are worse things.)

Lastly, don't let this shit get you down. Don't you dare give in and let it rob you of your joy and love. Examine it carefully: Take what positives you can from this. Look for the things that can benefit you. Find ways to turn this to your advantage.

Here are few things that I have come up with:

1. "This too shall pass." I've learned how to be patient and detached, rather than clenching up and resisting and fighting. This carries over to other areas of my life. If I can withstand cluster headaches, I can withstand damn near anything!

2. Mental toughness: My pain threshold is higher, my ability to remain relaxed and calm in the middle of pain is increased, and my compassion has grown.

3. Wisdom: Pain brings its own wisdom and discipline. There are gifts to be found in this, even though it feels like sifting through a coal mine to find the tiniest diamond. Cluster headaches hurt like hell, but the won't kill you. What's interesting is that when they drive us to our knees, we are most likely to call out to the Higher Power. (Whether you believe in God, the Force, the Goddess, etc.) Reaching out for that Higher Power can only benefit a person.

4. Beauty. This seems like an odd thing to say, especially when your eyeball is exploding out of your head and you're sobbing with pain. I've learned that when I get one in the middle of the night, to just get up, get dressed, and go out on the front porch and sit with it until it passes. When it passes, it's a feeling like Samhaddi or Satori, or some other great and unspeakable peace... And during those times, when I'm inhaling the cool, quiet night air, I see the stars, the moonlight bathing the garden, fireflies twinkling morse-coded love messages to the glittering stars, the moon swimming in a sea of clouds, or drifting through the branches of the trees, and the world around me is silent, silvery with dew, and full of an unspeakable peace... And when the storm of pain has passed, I am filled also with gratitude, which in turn opens my heart wide with love.

All of this may sound like overly sentimental crap, especially when you are looking at it through the tunnel-vision of depression. It becomes like looking at the world through the wrong end of a telescope. But it does work and it does make the clusters more bearable, and all of this suffering just has to be worth SOMETHING!! The challenge then, is to find it. For the sake of your life and for the sake of your sanity, find it. And in doing so, you are triumphant over the beast.