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        New Message Board Archives >> 2004 Posts >> UNSUPPORTAVE!
        
(Message started by: Mark C on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:22pm)

Title: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Mark C on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:22pm

I am at my wits end,
For reasons unknown to me my "wife" has continued a pattern of not only being unsupportive but downright defiant about my having anything to do with OUCH, CH.com or the convention. After 24 years one might figure I would understand her motivation but alas, I do not. Repeated attempts at communication about this situation have only resulted in a widening of the chasm. I have done all I know to do and now feel I am being forced to choose between using the resources available to me through the MB, OUCH and CH.com and just deleting my profile, resigning from OUCH and donating my convention registration.

One her favorite arguments is "it takes time from family". Bullshit....I have been pain free since October because of this MB. If anything this year alone I have gained 3 or 4 months of pain free time I never had.....I just don't understand.

OUCH meetings take a few hours a month...big deal....it has provided many with help and hope including me.

I am so jealous of you guys that have family that support them. It is very hard to not only fight the beast along with everything else life has to offer AND fight my wife for me seeking help with something she has experienced with me for 24 years! What the fuck is going on!?

At this time I am seriously considering just saying fuck it to the whole thing....I don’t know what to do. I am so tired of being upset about this.....it don’t make sense to me.

Why does my wife not support me? Does she like my pain?! WTF!

Thanks for letting me rant, I am sure I will calm down...in time.

Mark

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by thomas on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:27pm

I truly hate to see one of the good guys takin' it in the shorts like that. You are always one of the most supportive people here, it sux that it isn't reciprocated. Damn, don't know what to say, except I'm here for ya.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Roxy on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:34pm

Call me......I won't be on the road tonight....too many tornadoes all around.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by cootie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:36pm

She's jealous Mark.....even tho she mite not even know it to say so or won't.......but that's probly the answer......she probly resents you bein on the computer with your OTHER family and goin to meetings for your OTHER family. I've seen ALOT of this shit go on with different events or life styles with friends thru all these years. Best if you can work it to NOT discuss it.....closed subject......and go on doin what you do here and with her.....cuz all coversation probly leads to ARGUEMENTS. Don't argue back.....sounds strange and your proly are peggin me for a total NUTCASE rite now. But I really have seen this situation a MILLION times. It becomes a never ending battle until someone says something they shouldn't say in anger and steps it up a notch. Too bad she can't let you be yourself.........bow down to no one and stand your ground Pam

Seems to me your a pretty well liked guy on here......and important.........hopein you can keep both worlds

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Superpain on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:38pm

That sux...
I just recently got married, and my wife a while back was not very understanding or supportive either. She has since come around after I had a stearn talk with her, but I know how you feel.

I say fuck it... Stay here, go to the convention and tell her to get over it. What's she gonna do? Divorce you?

Obviously you've tried to make her understand to no avail. Maybe try some more? A different approach?

If she doesn't, she doesn't...
But I'm here to tell you even if you are married there's a good chance that you'll have the headaches longer than you'll have her, in one way or another... And the beast demands that he take precedence over all matters, family or not.

I don't understand some people... That is so fucked up that some significant others can't even try to understand this shit. If they only knew what it's like to have to deal with the pain, and then the life changing relief we recieve from the support of this board. I truly wish we had the power to touch someones head and give them the ch for a few seconds. Maybe then they'd get a fucking clue... >:(

Of course the military would snatch us up and use us as weapons if we could do that, so... :(

I hope it gets better for you.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Woobie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:52pm

mark

I cant see why she's being like that... maybe she's jealous....
Does she come to the board?? Get her ass to the supporter's section and maybe she can work out some of the "issues" she's having. I cant see that she doens't CARE.

Maybe she's just mad SHE cant help you.
I get that way sometimes..... wish I could help him. Feel useless - while everyone on HERE is so helpful. Maybe she just needs to get on here herself!

I hope you dont quit OUCH... and I hope you can come to the convention... I would love to meet you!

tina :-*

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Cathi04 on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:56pm

Mark.....This really saddens me....I soo enjoy your posts..and I think YOU get a lot out of this forum....
I hope your wife will open her heart to CH, and discover what so many here have...this is a GREAT PLACE....and there is room for her as well...

Hoping for a solution,
Cathi

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Redd715 on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 5:57pm

Well hun,

You know I feel your pain right now...you know I do in the worst possible way. And there is nothing I can say to help and that is the bite in the a$$ about it. I wasn't married to my non-supporter. He bailed. So be it. But you have to take care of you and your battle with the beast. Maybe the closed issue is an option maybe not. Only you can decide what path is going to work for you. But this is where we all are getting the information to become as PF as we can, and deal with what we can't alone.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTIVE!
Post by vig on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:00pm

A crappy supporter is worse than no supporter at all.

my $.02
-p

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTIVE!
Post by Woobie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:02pm

on 04/23/04 at 18:00:00, vig wrote:

A crappy supporter is worse than no supporter at all.

my $.02
-p

I dont know Vig - a crappy supporter can make things WORSE. If you had no supporter - it's better than having one in your face all the time being a bitch.

I wouldn't wish anyone not to have any support... but if it's just negative - you're better off.. I think

my [smiley=twocents.gif]
tina

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Karla on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:10pm

My husband felt the exact same way. He acted very possesive of my time and didn't like me in chat or on the message board. He said it took my time away from the family and they already had such little time with me. I comprimised. I stay out of chat and just post on the message board. But since then my husband has come to be a much better supporter since I was able to get him on the message board also. He learned alot and could finally see the value of it to me. I think it is key that you somehow get your wife involved. Good luck in working this all out.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Woobie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:14pm

Well Vig - I read what you said WRONG - sorry.

I agree - LOL - we agree... I am a moron.

tina [smiley=bag.gif]

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by jonny on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:18pm

on 04/23/04 at 17:22:38, Mark C wrote:

One her favorite arguments is "it takes time from family".

My reply to that would be "WELL IF I HAD SOME GOD DAMN FUCKING SUPPORT FROM YOUR ASS I MAY NOT NEED TO GO THERE SO OFTEN!!!!"

You hang the fuck in there bro, you have my cell.....use it if you want to talk.

.............................jonny

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Woobie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:22pm

on 04/23/04 at 18:18:12, jonny wrote:

WELL SAID Jonny.

Bravo....

[smiley=hug.gif] to you Mark!!

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Charlie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:22pm

Rats Mark.

You're one of the best posters and supporters here. All I can think of isn't fun for us. Maybe you need to take some time off but please don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Maybe all it takes is a little time.

Don't wanna lose ya.

Charlie

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Tiannia on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 6:56pm

Mark I understand completly. It is so very hard to explain that this family does not take preferance from them, but that this is a place that you dont have to explain it. I know that it does not help and does not make it any easier. If is very hard when it is someone that you are married to and committed to. The whole, kids house blah blah blah...

But to be honest, I think Cootie has the right idea. If she is picking the fight with you, she wants to to attack back because then she will feel justified in her opinion. If you dont givve her that option then she has to look at what she is attacking.

Hollar at us in chat. They were a god send to me the other night. Kept me sane and the next day, he backed off because I did not fight with him. He yelled and I just let him and asked "if he was done?" Took the wind out of his sails. About an hour later he appoligied and we talked.

Does it mean that it wont happen again? Probably not, but it at least gives me a better way to handle it then feel like i havee to be the loser to make him happy.

I am sorry and I do understand.
-Tia

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by BlueMeanie on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 7:10pm

Mark,

My supporter never gives me any problems when it comes to dealing with the actual CH's and with the cash it takes to abort them, but when things get a little hot around my house, she usually brings up the fact that I spend too much time on the computer reading what this family has to say.

I made her come here and read a little to understand why i'm here. In most cases, I think non-sufferers may never fully understand our situation. There a a few exceptions here such as Jackie, Woobie and others, but i think they are rare individuals to find when it comes to supporting CH's.

I know the beast is gonna be with me the rest of my life so if I need support by reading post from all you fellow clusterheads that's what i'm gonna do regardless of whatever anyone else says.

Try to at least get her to read some of the guest book postings. If she reads the sad stories from other sufferers, maybe she'll look back at your last 24 yrs with the beast and cut you a little slack.

Hope you can work it out. No reason you can't have 2 families with the situation you're in.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by kimh on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 7:22pm

Mark,

I read your post and had to respond! Marriage is tough. Brian (my husband) has had his moments too with not liking me coming here. It can be threatening to see your spouse so immersed outside the relationship. We had a few down right tense discussions about it. It has ironed out but it took some time and like i said - a few "arguments - imeandiscussions" LOL. ;;D

I hope you and your wife can work it out together and get past it together :) It will take patience on both your parts and a willingness from both of ya to 'bend' a lil.

I hated that Brian felt angry about my finding a support group. I felt angry and also could not understand why HE was angry about something i considered so positive.
We all have lives outside of our "cluster situation" lol. I know me and Brian have three kids and a mortgage, and we struggle all the time to be all things for our family. It is hard. Maybe your wife feels overwhelmed with stuff herself. Mebbe yas need a quiet dinner and some "tawk time" with one anuther :)

Well wishes Marc. Things work out. :)

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Ree on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 7:34pm

No problem Marc if Dave croaks your IN... I'd be lonely with out a headcase in my life..............ree

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Pinkfloyd on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 7:43pm

on 04/23/04 at 17:22:38, Mark C wrote:

she has experienced with me for 24 years! What the fuck is going on!?

Why does my wife not support me? Does she like my pain?! WTF!

Well Mark, not knowing ANYTHING about your relationship over the last 24 years, I can only venture a guess based upon assumptions that may or may not be correct. So, here I go, rambling again.....may not be popular rambling based upon some of the recent replies but it is my rambling and just my opinions. ;-)

If she's supported you and lived with you AND clusters for 24 years, I'd say this isn't about "clusters."

We all know, including our supporters, that clusters don't only affect the cluster "owner" but the entire family. When you broke the cycle, so did she, in essence. Just as some clusterers want to resume and enjoy a "normal" life as soon as the cycle breaks, so to do the supporters that have been suffering right along with them all those years.
Just as some of your dreams have probably been trampled upon, so too have everyone else's in the family. If she wasn't bitching and complaining about this for the last 24 years, then maybe all she would like is a little of that "normal" life that we ALL long for when we're in the middle of a cycle.

I'm sure she is as thankful as you are about the break. Many people (millions) can not understand how people can spend hours typng into a computer screen (like me lol) when there are "real" people sitting in the next room we could be interacting with. Its not something that can be explained. If they don't understand that connection, it doesn't mean they are wrong. It just means they were never affected by a "computer screen" the way some of us have. They see a screen and we see people. We see people that have helped us and people that we in turn can help. Your wife may just be asking "why doesn't he see me?"
Sort of like some people liking movies and others wanted to read the book instead.

Maybe she just feels as if she used to lose you to clusters and now she's losing you to a computer.

JMHO, but if she's stuck with you for 24 years (some people aren't that lucky, as you know) then she deserves some "cluster free" time too. One of (and probably the most important one in her mind) the things she lost during your cycles was.....you.

Maybe, as was suggested, a compromise is in order. Maybe lay off all the computer work for now, take her to the convention, and maybe she then can put some faces and living/breathing people into that computer like you (and all of us) have.

Since we are the ones that feel the pain, I think we are a little more prone to want to help others relieve that pain if at all possible, and to pay back the ones that helped us through it. We know how much it means to help someone unburden themselves and their family. Only we can understand the bonds that are made. No one else could understand or should be expected to understand. It's certainly what keeps me typing away regarding psilocybin.

Like people that fight a war together, the bonds that are formed on the front lines can never be fully understood by the civilians, so to speak. They're just happy to have them home, and proud of them. Who wouldn't want to spend some alone time with their own personal hero?

Hope all works out Mark, for everyone.
BobW

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Mark C on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 8:28pm

Thank all of you for your support...which has been overwhelming...[blush].

Many things suggested have been tried such as getting her involved etc.....some have not.

I have much to ruminate on and I am no longer on the "pity pot"....thanks guys, and gals!

Hell, it's not like I have anywhere else to go...this is the last house on the end of the street for this Clusterhead.

Things could be a lot worse....thank you all for support and some perspective...I love you guys!

Mark

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by 9erfan on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 8:32pm

Mark,

I hate to hear something like this. I know how frustrating it is. We can't explain the bonds of the "family" to those on the outside.
I really hope that you can help her understand your need to be here and desire to work with OUCH for the cause. You have been such a great support to others here, you deserve to have some support you can count on at home.
It would really be a great loss for us if you had to leave the board over this. I remember how excited you were when you found your "cure" and I for one would miss your posts.
Dont' give up, maybe just try to compromise.

If all else fails, KICK HER TO THE CURB. ;;D

V.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Cerberus on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 9:03pm

Woobie like to jump right on in....hehe she's exitable what can I say?

The Irony here for me is that, after reading your post I thought almost the exact same thing Pink said in his initial comments. I figure it had to be that or you missed/forgot or otherwise ignored something she deemed important.

either way, if that was the case the opportunity is lost and there is no point complaining about it now. chastitzation would have best be served as a reminder or afterthought to whatever it was that was overlooked.

If Pink and my original thoughts were the case...it should be noticed that paranoia of a sufferer, at least in my opinion, is natural. The nature of the beast is to make one trust nothing or be extremely wary in his own favor. In short, better safe than sorry.

Sorry to hear of your struggles to see eye to eye, this too shall pass.
Ramon

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by TxBasslady on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 9:43pm

Mark,

I hope things get worked out for you.

I am fortunate...my husband understands 100% my need for this site and this "extended family". He has met several other sufferers. He was able to attend the Dallas meet & greet.....and even though he was working in Ft. Worth at the time, and had an apartment, he wanted me to be able to spend time with my ch family. He insisted that instead of staying with him....I should stay at a hotel so Jackie, Elaine and I could have our time together.

He doesn't have the answers for this damned affliction, but he's perfectly willing for me to do whatever I feel I need to in order to deal with it. I am so very thankful that I have such a great supporter. I am even more thankful for you and my other brothers and sisters on this board.

Thank you for all you do. I hope you know how much you are appreciated here.

Sending you some "sisterly" love and lots of vibes...

Jean

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Linda_Howell on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 10:24pm

Mark,

Even though I haven't met you in person I feel like I know you fairly well. And one thing I think I know about you is that you can....MULTI-TASK.

Get my drift? You can give her the attention she needs as well as be here at ch.com and OUCH.

Linda

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Tim_w on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 10:38pm

Mark
Know were you are coming from
Wife was not a great supporter to say the least
Any one who meet her in NY knows that
And now divorce is in the works ;;D
Now I have a great supporter
Be praying thing work out for ya bro!
TimW Happy Pappy
Another Cluster marrige bites the dust

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Melissa on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 10:51pm

on 04/23/04 at 22:24:48, Linda_Howell wrote:

Mark, Linda is so right about multitasking. This is exactly what I do, so I don't leave my husband Jesse or my 2 kids on the sidelines. When Jesse is home, I will either go offline, or just get up and away from the computer and go talk to him until he goes and does something else. My kids really don't mind me being on here so much, but that's because 1 is at school during the day, and the other one is 10 months and not very vocal yet (although he likes to grab all my puter cords and slam his walker into my table!). Anyhow, Jesse used to be jealous of my spending so much time on here and chatting with my clusterbuds, but doesn't say much about it anymore, because I've learned to get away from the puter when he's home. (Which is VERY hard to do, as I am quite addicted to here.) My family here at home always comes first, but they know of mom's headaches, and that she needs to be with people who understand what she goes through. Although it's harder when I'm out of cycle to explain to them why I'm still here, I basically let them know it is to support those who've supported me and cheer people up when I can.

:)mel

P.S. I am hoping that she stops giving you grief about it, because clusterheads really do need each other for support, because NO ONE understands like we do and a choice shouldn't have to be made between your sanity or her appeasement.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by kimh on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 10:57pm

Marc,

Not one person here can tell you SHIT about your own marriage...
Only you and your spouse can talk these things out. This MB is always here, decades of a committment we know nothing about is your own private bizzness. I for one would like you BOTH to know that I know how hard it is to spend your life with a partner. It takes so much more than friends from cyberspace. Marc i want you and your wife to know that i am thining of you both.....and sendin ya heart felt healing vibes***

kim

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Opus on Apr 23^rd, 2004, 11:51pm

Mark,
I too have an unsupportive wife, she gets more upset with my Ch, than me being online. Middle of the night CH's are best for me, becouse there is no one to complain and no to ask me to do things, and cry when I don't. She wouldn't dare try to keep me off CH.com, or I would stop fixing her outlook and IE ;;D I know where you are at, I would have to leave her to go to the convention. Either way it would be bad.

Opus/Paul [smiley=smokin.gif]

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Edna on Apr 24^th, 2004, 12:46am

Mark, my heart goes out to you. Being fortunate enough to have 4 understanding supporters in my house with me, it hurts like hell to know you have to endure this in addition to your pain.

I wish I had some kind of advice to offer that I knew would help, but I really don't know how to help with this one.

My FIRST inclination would be to bitch slap her myself and knock some durn sense into her.

But that isn't nice.
SOOOOoooooooooo...............I'm hoping that perhaps your wife will open her eyes soon.

If she does come here, I'd have these words for her:

"Dear, if you truly love your husband, show it. The pain he endures is hell in itself. We suffer the pain from hell, but even beyond this, we suffer with the knowledge of the hell we put our loved ones through.

This site has room for you, and other supporters that may be of help to you.
Hope you can join other supporters here, and come around to the side of where Mark needs you to be."

Mark dude, hang in there, we'll ALWAYS be there for you,

hugs from a fellow cluster sufferer,
EDNA

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Callico_Kid on Apr 24^th, 2004, 12:46am

Mark,

I have to agree with Cootie and PinkFloyd. Your wife has stood with you for 24 years, which is no mean feat these days, even without clusters. You made your vows to her, not to us. She has to have your first loyalty and has to know it. For a while my wife had a bit of a problem with all of the time I spent on here, thinking I might develope a relationship online that I would take offline and leave her. She knew better, but yet the fear was there after having that happen to a good friend of ours. We develope such a close bond on here that for a non-sufferer or a supporter that is not involved with CH.com or OUCH I can understand how it could be threatening. Davcon 04 did a lot to help alleviate some of her fears, and I have tried to be careful to spend more quality (?) time with her whenever I can, and spend most of my time on here at night when I don't dare try to sleep anyway.

Could I suggest that you take a week, weekend, or whatever time you can spare and take her away so that it is just you and her w/o the computer or the beast. I know for my wife just one day of my undivided attention when PF goes a long long way.

Hope you can get her away to the convention to meet us. We don;t want to seperate you two and make you choose between us. We would like her to join us. If she has been with you for 24 yrs with these things I KNOW she has a lot she could teach some of us if she would.

Jerry

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by pubgirl on Apr 24^th, 2004, 1:37am

Mark

I think Jerry, Bob and Cootie may have a point.

It is very dangerous to assume ANYTHING about someone else's relationship, but I can tell you about how it went wrong in our house, which might help.
My husband is very supportive when I'm in cycle and tries to take weight off me by doing stuff around the house and with the kid so I can rest but........

He gets very angry about my time spent here and OUCH UK, and recently was less than kind about the time I spend on the Helpline.
The top and bottom of it is that our marriage is good, but not in the first flush of young love. It's easy to spend days not truly talking unless it is to say "What are we having for dinner" and he was simply feeling left out and isolated. And he was right.
He would go to bed and I would be on the computer or on the 'phone. He would finish work and want to be together with me and the kid and I would say "Great, I can get my messages done/call that person back" and leave immediately.

He would get angry, and Yes, you guessed, I would then retreat and spend MORE time on the computer and on the phone!

I think it would be the same if I had joined ANY club he wasn't part of, for us it was nothing to do with CH.
It was pretty simply me forgetting that I must make time for our relationship too.

He doesn't want to be included, or join in anything, or come to conventions, he just doesn't want to lose too much important family/marriage/cuddle/talking time.
And he is right

Wendy

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Carl_D on Apr 24^th, 2004, 1:57am

Very sorry to hear this. Hope she either comes around, or somehow the situation resolves without you having to leave us. That would be a crime.

Peace,
Carl D

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by ClusterChuck on Apr 24^th, 2004, 2:11am

Mark, I have to agree with some of the other comments. Your first commitment is to your wife and family THERE, and then to your family HERE.

I was married for 28 years before my wife said she wanted out. It was mainly due to me not spending enough time at home with her and the kids. You don't know how much I regret that. I kept my head up my ass for too many years, thinking I was doing the right thing, WORKING. How wrong I was. It is only now, since my youngest daughter moved in with me, that she is getting to know her Dad. How could I have been so stupid?

We don't want to loose you here, or in OUCH. You are a valued member. Hopefully the two of you can work out a compromise, so that you can give her the quality she needs and deserves, and also get and give the support that you need and are so good at here.

Marraige takes work, and it IS worth it! Good luck! I am pulling for you two!

Chuck

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by suzy617 on Apr 24^th, 2004, 7:04am

Quote:

I'd be lonely with out a headcase in my life..............ree

Ree honey, you will never be lonely then as long as you stay here. ;;D

Mark, I sympathize with your problem and hope it all works out for you. Please dont leave us.

Suzy

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Luke63 on Apr 24^th, 2004, 8:36am

Mark...in the midst of going through stuff now...and going to counseling for it as well..I have found the fine art of Negotiation. You have needs...your wife has needs..your children...so how do you come to a happy solution? It's not easy...but I can tell you talking is the key..and I mean talking..not yelling or arguing. If you can sit with your wife and simply talk.....you have a good base to stand on. If she wants to get into the argumentative state immediately...then perhaps she doesn't know the art of talking. Are you willing to negotiate with everyones needs involved? If so..then you say you want to and use the term Negotiate. I'm learning to do it myself now....I like it..it helps..and it can help you.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by ZAIRA on Apr 24^th, 2004, 9:03am

:'(

If I can say... a person who loves you deeply, leaves with you, with the same suitcase, in 2, showing everything forever..... :-/

Sometimes there is nothing we can do for avoiding to the person you love to express his/her pain towards the beast which enables us to become even more unbearable.... >:(

BUT...... Important to remind is that we have no fault of this, and, if it is true, the love of 2 persons is the best help against pain and unluckiness of life...

The person who lives with you must live with your pain.... grow up with you and the problems of life....

If she doesn't, she doesn't love you...

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Ree on Apr 24^th, 2004, 1:46pm

Zazi... that was so beautifully put... Hope you are better today Marc........ God bless you all on this sunny day here in Mass..........ree

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by miapet on Apr 24^th, 2004, 2:20pm

Mark,
I'm sorry to hear about the pain in your family, but I'm also glad that your last post sounded better *smiles*. When I came here, you were kind and shared your wisdom.

Our situation is a bit different . . D is the clusterhead, and I'm the puter addict seeking help and support (which I have been lucky enough to find, those of you who are my life line *smooches*) . . .

ANYWAY, I have to say, from the supporter side, that there are times that I have wished we could have just one day (shoot, sometimes one hour) where the beast wasn't the center of attention (either in person or in conversation). I wasn't mad at D, I didn't blame him for his ch . . .and, he wasn't mad at me and my time spent on line. *L* sometimes he did look at me really funny, like when we went to the neuro and I had my lists, and when I came home from the health food store with TONS of stuff . . .and when I said I was planting a garden . . . .Well, I'm sure y'all get the drift *smiles*
We all lose time to the beast . . .but we still love each other.
As a supporter, and a ch on-line-resource-junkie, I would be happy to let your wife talk to me . . . .not to convince her that she is wrong or you or right . .. but to just share how we feel . . .
*positive light and energy*
miapet

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by purpleydog on Apr 24^th, 2004, 7:48pm

My husband is non-supportive of me and my HA, whether it's CH or migraine or both. He will take me to the ER when I ask, but always acts like he's making a big sacrifice to do it, asking me "When did THIS start?" He is perfectly aware of how my HA affect me! When we're at the ER, he complains the whole time we're there, which really does me good :( So, I suffer in silence, so he isn't bothered.

purpleydog

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by bobkip on Apr 24^th, 2004, 10:39pm

Mark,
I hate to sound like "Dear Abby" but... Get counseling, if she won'y go, go yourself. Hope things work out.
Kip

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Pegase on Apr 25^th, 2004, 12:05am

I really hope everything will turn out good for you... Life is often surprising... sometimes we have downs, something we have good moments...

You gotta talk for sure... even if it's not easy to do.... the right way...;)

Good vibes for you....

Pegase

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by manana on Apr 25^th, 2004, 2:52am

Here's my 2 cents worth: It's all a matter of balance. Try to balance your time & energy in such a way that the boat still floats...if it does capsize, reach for a life preserver be it from home or from your family here. Then, back to the balancing act again.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by fubar on Apr 25^th, 2004, 7:08am

Sometimes they get it, someytimes they don't. I stuck with my wife through 15 years of her alcohol and prescription addiction, 3 rehabs, endless years of painful and mind-blowing turmoil. All the while, I had the occasional 3 month bout with CH, and she *tried* to be supportive, but alas it just wasn't in her constitution. She had her own demons. In the end, it was my 3 year chronic bout with CH that made her decide I wasn't worth the trouble. What a nice thing to realize after all I had dealt with on her end. Oh well. 'Till death do us part, my ass.

The last laugh is mine though. I got the house and the kids, she got our addiction machine (we own a bar). I'm now pain free and she will always be a pathetic loser.

-Fu (who isn't bitter at all)

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Woobie on Apr 25^th, 2004, 9:07am

WTF?? I had NO idea there were so many people here with UNSUPPORTIVE spouses. I knew there were people with no significant other - but to HAVE spouses and still get no support........ This pisses me SMOOTH the fuck off... Hear me?

Call me old fashioned... but WHY do people get married?? When the goin gets tough - you just GIVE UP? OMG - If you love each other enough to get married, you should step up when they need you.

It's hard sometimes.. being a supporter - but you love your man and DO whatcha gotta do.

Anyhow - before I got off into a 10 page rant.....

To all those who dont have support from their spouses. .... my heart bleeds for you. I just CANNOT understand it. Bring their asses to the convention and lemme at em.

UGH

and FU - Good for you!

tina :-*

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by BobG on Apr 25^th, 2004, 2:06pm

Mark, I don't have an answer for you but sure hope you can get this straightened out soon. Good luck.

IMHO, this is a great string. The subject has come up many times and it will again in the future. This string needs to be saved, bookmakered or something for the newbies as they come aboard.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Helpless on Apr 25^th, 2004, 5:14pm

As a supporter myself, I can not understand why your wife would react this way..... I know the limits of how much I can or cannot help (Eeyore) my sufferer..... If he can find the help and support that I can not give him here I am very happy to see him on here as often as he needs...... When we are together and he gets on the board I just sit back and let him do his thing..... I would never try to make him stop visiting here.... It would be wronge of me not to metion that you were all here for him way befor I was..... I am very thankful to everyone on this site ..... Sufferers and supporters alike that you can all help eachother the way that you do..... I am very sorry that your supporter is not as supportive as you diserve.... Hopefully things will be batter for you someday.... Wishing you many painfree days and nights......

Helpless :)

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by stevegeebe on Apr 25^th, 2004, 5:46pm

I have little to add to what has been said.

I can try to imagine what you are going through but I really don't know what it must be like. Maybe something else and it's just temporary.

You are a good man Mark C. Don't forget this fact.

Steve G

Oh...and...thank you Dianne.

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by Big Dan on Apr 26^th, 2004, 2:58am

Mark, I wish there was something I could say or do to give you some support, other than wishing you well. :-/

I don't have any experience in marrige, and can't really give any advice...

Things will work out, one way or another... just know I'll be in your corner pulling for ya...

-Big Dan

Title: Re: UNSUPPORTAVE!
Post by ozzman on Apr 26^th, 2004, 10:49am

Not much to add, but agree with lots others before me. Your commitment is to your wife and family. Family comes first, before work, before ch.com, before OUCH, before the lawn. It's easy to fall in the trap of thinking, I'm in pain therefore I'm right. If you can talk to her, like someone said before, calmly you will realize what you're missing, what weight you may not be pulling, what need you may not be fullfilling. If you go with an open mind and an open heart into a conversation, even if you hear things you don't like, you'll be able to understand her point.

You love her, she loves you, go from there.

Ozzy.

PS You have my number if you need.